Fuck Helvetica

Welcome Back to Middle School

2011-09-28T19:43:00.000-04:00

The thing I disliked most about middle school were the tattlers. Pansy-ass mama's boys who couldn't leave well enough alone and alerted the teacher to every little thing I did. Not that I generally did anything that was 'wrong' by standard definitions, just things that may have been against arbitrary rules or thought of as unusual for someone of my age. Even when I was doing something that was arguably wrong, I'd like to think that there was usually a reason or I knew relatively well what I was doing.

Enter: Little Baby Bitch. Everyone knows the kid who thought he was special because his parents had a small amount of money saved up. He was sheltered so far beyond socially acceptable levels that I honestly wonder if he could function as an adult today. Hell, the kid's parents would even dress him so he wouldn't get any ideas. He probably though that his good scores on standardized tests meant something more than that because for all intents and purposes, the kid was a bumbling idiot.

This kid would always walk up while I was doing something or discover something that I had done and immediately tell the all powerful teacher. I'm not sure what he though he had accomplished by wasting all of our time, but I would always end up receiving a stern talking to in the principle's office. For some reason, it would never go beyond that. I guess there's something about my personality that let's me get away with murder. All I have to do is smile.

Unfortunately, some days I feel like I'm living in middle school all over again. It starts with the figures of authority who think they have it all figured out despite their ignorance of the bigger picture. From there we progress to people who think they're better than everyone for X idiotic reason. Of course a number of people believe the same thing for Y or Z reason and none of them are willing to cohabitate. Then there are those who would rather read the gossip in tabloids and other illegitimate news sources instead of something with actual substance or news. And of course there are the tattlers who waste everyone's time stirring the pot while the world moves on.

Surprise Realization of Our Engagement

2011-07-08T00:14:00.000-04:00

I think the title and photo explain everything here.

Frustration

2011-06-06T01:30:00.000-04:00

I think the thing that frustrates me most about my life if my relationship with the people I live with. It's hard relating to an elderly conservative Christian when you're a 25 year old, gay, atheist. And that's just my mom. I don't know where my dad stands on any issues because he barely talks to anyone.

Whenever I try to tell my mom something she goes out of her way to make me feel bad. The good news of one of my best friends getting married becomes a lecture about when I marry a beautiful woman. My friend having a child turns into a rant about how my mom will never be a grandmother. Obviously, reading a book about the influence of disease on human evolution is to prepare myself for when I get AIDS.

And those are just the things I've told her. I haven't mentioned that I plan on moving in with Jason (preferably in Ann Arbor) sometime this year. Or the fact that Jason and I plan on spending the rest of our lives together. Or the inevitability that Jason and I will one day in the future get married and have a reception. Or that I don't believe in the same invisible hand in the sky that sue does.

There is just no common ground for us to start a conversation. She's dead set that I chose to be gay to cause some sort of drama for her. Her little burgundy book told her so. She'll never understand the relationship that I have with Jason and that kills me. She'll never be happy about any of the major events in my life. Moving in together and getting married are major events in my life that she will either write off as dramatic fantasy or simply not be notified of. And I feel that there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm just stuck in a rut, suffocating in my house, and I need to get out.

'Twas a Busy Afternoon

2011-06-01T17:24:00.002-04:00

YOU HAVE CLEARED THE PUTRESCENT WOODS
You have gained a level.
+12 STR
+ ATTRIBUTE Farmer's Tan

YOU HAVE CLEARED THE SULTRY WETLANDS
You have gained a level.
+8 END
+4 WATER RESIST

YOU HAVE CLEARED THE EVIL FOOTHILLS
-75 GOLD

YOU HAVE CLEARED THE LAIR OF THE SNAKE KING
You have gained a level.
+10 COURAGE
+ATTRIBUTE Battle Scar

YOU HAVE CLEARED THE JUNGLY PLAINS
You have gained a level.
+6 VIT
+24 MAX HEALTH

YOU HAVE MADE THE HALF ACRE KINGDOM SAFE AGAIN
The king offers the hand of his beautiful daughter.
You graciously decline and say your goodbyes.
You return home to your loving boyfriend
In a time of peace and quiet, you rest.

I Can't do This Anymore

2011-05-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

I am so frustrated with my life I can't even conceive the words to describe one hundredth of what I feel. I don't have any of the things I need to succeed as a person. I was suffocating in this room, in this remote corner of the house when I started my blog five years ago and I'm still sitting here in the same room in the same remote corner of the house today.

I need a place to call my own. Somewhere I can be at peace and do the things I need to do. Instead, I'm stuck living in the house of people who are practically strangers to me. I can't sit down at my desk without constantly being badgered or worrying someone is going to walk in and criticize whatever I happen to be doing. But I have no money to get out.

I need a decent, predictable paycheck every week. Something I can rely on and budget around. Instead, I get between fifteen and forty hours. The boss doesn't think I'm excited enough about my job to promote me to full time, and it's next to impossible to get excited about a job when you hate your boss. But if I get a second job, the assistant boss is going to cut my hours further.

I need a way to spend time with the people I want to have in my life. I can't spend any quality time with Jason because these people are always around and never leave their house. I don't have any friends in my city who I haven't repeatedly alienated. The friends I do have live mostly out past my work, which would be fine if I didn't already spend $250 a month on fuel.

I Think There's A Problem Here

2011-05-29T00:04:00.000-04:00

I really need to get out of this house. When there's a woman trolling outside my bedroom when Jason and I are trying to have some alone time, there's a fucking problem. All I want to do are some of the things normal couples do in the privacy of my own bedroom. There's nothing unusual or interesting going on in here, honestly.

When there's a woman who can't walk ten feet to get something from the refrigerator interrupting me every five minutes, there's a fucking problem. All I hear all day is what other people need. I don't care anymore. There are things I need as well, but I don't demand people help me while I sit on my ass. I need to do these scholarship essays and finish my library book. And I need some uninterrupted time in which to do it.

When there's a woman purposefully insinuating things about me every time we interact, there's a fucking problem. If I go out with my boyfriend, it doesn't mean we go to the local gay bar and have an orgy. When people laugh at a stupid joke you make, it doesn't mean they're on to my horrible secret. I'm not going to marry any of the women I spent time with. And If I'm reading a book about how sickness influenced the evolution of our species, it doesn't mean I plan on getting AIDS. Thanks for making that connection, though.

Yes. There's a fucking problem here.

Procrastination

2011-05-21T17:27:00.000-04:00

In a highly successful attempt at procrastination, I spent a lot of time outside today.

Our shed (a.k.a. our local dump) was in desperate need of cleaning. It started out fairly uneventfully; I discovered that the number of both rakes and shovels exceeds the number of people in the house, and that we have an unusually large number of hand rakes and shovels. As I was condensing my mom's junk into boxes and moving them to the back of the shed I discovered the Mushroom Kingdom, complete with a grumpy cactus and a guy running around in red suspenders. True to it's 2D form, the Kingdom was entirely contained in the space between a row of boxes and the shed wall.

When I was finished, I proceeded to mow the front lawn. To my dismay I found that a colony of ants had taken up residence between the motor cover and the engine. Perhaps it was to their dismay, because the mower started right away and I mowed the lawn. Since it's been raining for the last few days the grass was longer than usual and left a lot of clippings. I decided to rake them up and toss them on the compost pile I made last year. Sometime between late last year and early this year all the crap I had been throwing in there decomposed and I had a nice big pile of compost. Which is nice because I was about to give up on it.

275 Words, Just for You

2011-05-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

All I wanted to do when I got home was write a 700 word essay about how $500 would help me achieve my dreams for a meager chance to win the said $500. That's how desperate I am for money. Instead I'm going to blog about how much I hate my life, because it seems that that's all I'm really good at.

All I ever hear is what people need from me. Whether it's idiot customers, my idiot bosses, or my idiot family, they all want something from me all the time. No one ever stops to ask me if I need anything. No one bothers to take my needs into account. Instead of "Hey, are you okay today," or "Is there anything I can do to make your situation better," it's always "Smile Rich," and "I don't want you to be so moody (presumably because it makes my mother look bad to other people)."

Do you know what I want? I want to move on with my life. I want to get the fuck out of my parents house. I want to tell my boss (take your pick) to fuck himself over the PA on a busy day. I want people to start respecting my time. I want people to start respecting me, as a person, and stop talking to me condescendingly. I want to go to college completely free like many of the people I know who didn't work for it. I want a cushy job, getting paid $11 an hour for data entry. I want something completely different.

I'm tired and I'm annoyed at the crappy job I'm stuck at and I can't take it anymore.

Raiding Tombs for a Living

2011-02-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

I've been playing a lot of computer games lately, partly because it's a cheap form of entertainment and partly because it's something I'm really passionate about. I buy most of my newer games on sale from the Steam Store. Recently I picked up the 3 Hitman games, a few Half-Life 2 Mods, both Deus Ex games, and Tomb Raider Anniversary and Legend. I've been enjoying them all, but something about the Tomb Raider Series completely threw me off.

I've always been a fan of the series. Lara Croft is one of the first playable characters I remember and I've always felt close with the character. I played the Hell out of the first three games and am intimately familiar with the storyline up to that point. I rented and quickly played through The Last Revelation and Chronicles, which I feel added nothing to the storyline or the series as a whole. I haven't played the games at all since then until I downloaded Anniversary last week.

Tomb Raider: Anniversary is an expanded remake of the original game. Some of the locations are the same with a few minor tweaks, some are re-imagined with better gameplay, some are entirely new and add continuity to the game. As soon as I saw Lara's tour guide get eaten by wolves at the beginning of the game, I was drawn back into the world. I would flinch every time she got hit by an angry bear and cringe at every jump I wasn't absolutely sure of. I felt her anguish in the last area where we had to kill her first human enemy.

Enamored with the experience, I downloaded Tomb Raider:Legend. Even though Legend was released a year before Anniversary, it takes place almost 10 years after the events of the original game. Although Lara's James Bondish personal style threw me off a bit, the deep storyline and brilliant locations kept me in. I had to Gamefaqs almost every boss and the interactive cutscenes drove me crazy, but I was hooked. That is, until the end.

The opening scene of the game shows Lara and her mother at a archeological site in the jungle. Lara stumbles upon an artifact which reacts to her presence. Her mother tries to save her, and in turn dies. The rest of the game is spent finding parts of this particular artifact and carrying it back to this location. When that is accomplished and the final Boss, let's call her Amanda, is defeated things turn for the worst. Lara activates the artifact and a portal opens in time and allows for communication between Lara and her mother.

Lara begins speaking to her mother, who is concerned for her daughter, standing behind her. Adult Lara tells her mother not to touch the sword, while Amanda yells to remove the sword or the contraption will explode. Lara's mother follows the advice and dies, while Lara ignores the advice and flees the exploding device. Essentially, Amanda killed Lara's mother. And that's that.

Lara doesn't kill Amanda. She simply mutters something and walks away. She contacts her right hand man and lays the beginnings of a plot to possibly find another location where the artifact will work (it had been established that there were a number of them), but that's it. Credits and a black screen. There is no closure and I'm really fucking pissed off about that.

Aging Hardware

2011-02-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

Some days I want to punch my computer right in the motherboard. Not just because it sounds like a jet engine. Nor because it's getting pretty old and can't run many of the games I'd like to play. I want to punch it because of all the stupid things it does.

I have Firefox set to remember my usernames and passwords so I can log into my sites quickly and easily. It stopped remembering about half of them. On some it remembers either the password OR the username, not both. Some sites it doesn't remember either. Some sites it remembers failed login attempts, but not the good password or username. Also, when I download a file (any file) I have to manually open the download manager and click 'retry' before the download will begin, despite using a third party plugin that is supposed to (and used to) fix that.

All of my USB ports function at 1.1 speeds, even though Jason swears they're all 2.0 ports. It's possible that the ports in the back are because they're on a PCI card. Maybe I'm using an extremely outdated driver that doesn't recognize them. All I know is that none of the USB ports on this computer work worth shit.

When I bought my dad his computer, I removed the video card from his old computer and put it in mine. There was a decent performance boost in some of my games and the ones that required pixel shader and vertex shaders work now. On the downside, the computer freezes a lot more than it used to and I haven't determined if it's a driver, heat, or power supply issue. But there's always tomorrow.

Frustration

2011-01-20T23:29:00.000-05:00

I hate my new boss so much that I'm seriously considering quitting my job so that I don't have to hear his voice. He is such an ungrateful, inconsiderate, moron that every time we interact I have to resist the urge to punch him in the face.

He's always going on about how the store has good teamwork. Almost everyone in the store is register trained and he expects everyone to jump on the register, whether they're busy or not. When I'm helping customers with their pet needs or in the back room disassembling the pump system so I can perform maintenance tasks it's not my job to jump on register. If I wasn't busy and I was in the vicinity, I would. But never am, so I don't know why he expects me to.

I can't call a cashier to aquatics when I get overwhelmed with customers. A good portion of the time I'm the only person in the store who can work my department anyway because very few people are trained for my department. Even some of the people who are trained for my department avoid it by all means possible. Great fucking team work there. If you want there to be enough cashiers to cover two or three lanes at a time, schedule more fucking cashiers. It's really that simple.

The new manager also complains that we don't get things done in a timely fashion. New fish need to go from an open box to being poured into tanks in no more than twenty minutes. Any longer than that and ammonia will build up in the bags and quickly kill the fish. He gets pissy when I don't get done in that timeframe, but won't hesitate to pull me up front to help a customer with dog treats. On the other side of the store. When there are four fucking people working customer service. On that side of the store.

So fuck him, and PetSmart, and fuck corporations, and fuck capitalism.

Anything

2011-01-19T16:39:00.000-05:00

My life bores me to tears. It really does. I clean up after animals all day at work just to come home and play ten year old computer games because that's all that will run on my six year old computer. I rarely go out and when I do it's to do something I don't enjoy in the first place. I don't really do anything for myself and most of my money goes into paying off old debt.

I wish I could just get out of here and do something - anything.

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-01T13:16:00.000-05:00

A quick post before I'm off to Connie's house. My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

To become a Weekday Vegetarian.

To pay my debt in it's entirety. (Currently: $3585)

To spend time with the friends I've neglected over the last year.

To purchase fewer items and make use of the ones I do.

Good Year

2010-12-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a good enough year. I have significantly less debt than I did last year, but I've made and spent more money. I've grown farther from my family but closer to my friends. I've found out who my real friends are. I found a way to organize the things I need to do, but realized how little I actually accomplish. I've come to a number of realizations that affect my everyday life. I've eaten a lot of new places, tried lots of foods I really enjoy, and found a number of good meat alternatives.

Christmas was nice this year. I got my dad a new computer (Asus referb, really good deal), my mom a new monitor, and the animals a variety of animal related stuff. Jason got me a much needed pair of work shoes, a few nice books and a shirt (a very interesting set of shirts). I got Jason a few shirts, Kirby's Epic Yarn (very fun game), and a book about video games. Not quite what I wanted to get him, but he liked them. My parents got me a Braun 550cc electric shaver (so now I can shave daily again), a nice pair of cuff links to match my tie tack (that I wore to Rose's wedding), and a case of Jone's Soda (always good).

That's all I have for now. I just didn't want to go a month without blogging.

Call Me Crazy

2010-11-29T20:24:00.000-05:00

But I usually try to avoid spending time with people who wouldn't like me for who I am. Weird, how that works. My mom is apparently not the same way. She invited my aunt over to spend the night four days ago and she still hasn't left. During this time I can't have Jason over or do any of the things I enjoy or need to do. I also can't really go anywhere because I can't get my car towed and looked at until my dad gets paid on Wednesday, if he has enough to cover it, otherwise I have to wait until Friday and I don't even know when the mechanic would have time to look at it.

The only thing I can really rely on are my friends, all of whom I am grateful for.

Fighting Sleep

2010-11-27T23:32:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of disappointed with life right now. I've learned not to sweat the small stuff, which becomes apparent when you look at the frequency of my posts over the past years. I usually don't blog when I'm in a good mood because I'm busy being happy. Funny how that works.

My car broke down last week and has been sitting at Phelp's because he couldn't fix a car if his life depended on it so I have to get it towed across town on Monday to a place that can look at my head gasket. Even though the head gasket is a cheap part, they'll have to disassemble the top part of my block, so I'm looking at a total of up to $1500. It could also be a plastic plume which would cost me more along the lines of $450, but I don't know. It's unclear to me what is wrong with the car because it's showing a few symptoms from multiple problems and then it wouldn't start, which is uncommon for a blown head gasket.

Jason and I have been running this forum for a while (mostly Jason because I don't know what I'm going), but it's been really slow and I hate to see it stagnate. There are a million things I'd like to do with it, if it only had a larger user base. All I can do for now is make Jason make a favicon and I'm going to make some sig bars because that's the only think I really know how to do. Right now I'm taking suggestions and hoping for the best.

I'm still satisfied with my holiday shopping. During the evening on Thanksgiving I bought my mom a Canon SD 1400 at $80 off. Target and Sears were running the same deal, but I try to avoid going out on Black Friday unless I work. I do have to finish buying Jason's gift though. Time is running out and I need to juggle my money this month, but I don't have an insurance payment due, so I think everything will be okay.

Q4

2010-11-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

The whole minimalism thing is working well for me so far. I've been weeding out the things I don't really need, it's just going to take a while. That's mostly because I have a number of people trying to convince me to hold on to all these material possessions. It would probably help if I could explain what I'm trying to accmplish a little better, but all I can do is link to the Minimalist Blog.

The weddings went fairly well for me. Both of my friends' weddings were very nice. I'm glad Steph chose me to be in her wedding, as it was a very positive experience. I already talked some about Rose's wedding. The family weddings weren't entirely horrible and none of them lasted long, which was a plus.

Christmas is coming up and I've already done the bulk of my shopping. It's never too early to start, especially when you have to wait for the merchandise to be shipped to you. I got my mom the same ViewSonic monitor that my dad and I have because her current monitor produces a very poor picture. I got my dad a refurbished Asus computer, which is in perfect condition with the exception of a small scratch on one of the metal plates. I bought various other things for various other people, but this isn't the place.

Science Fiction Double Feature

2010-10-28T23:28:00.000-04:00

Jason, Connie, and I saw the Rocky Horror Show in Port Huron this evening. We all had a pretty good time. The performance went well and everyone did a very good job. The audience participation was fun and we all did the time warp...again.

I have an eventful weekend coming up. Steph is getting married Saturday and I'm going to help her decorate the hall tomorrow before the rehearsal dinner. I picked up the tux today. It's very pink, not in a bad way, just pink. It looks nice, though. My plans for Halloween are still up in the air. That's all.

The Good Wedding

2010-10-12T14:10:00.002-04:00

I've seen a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons. Peer pressure, money, tax benefits. They popped kids out, they had kids on the way, they thought they had kids on the way. I've seen people get divorced less than a year later. I've seen the bride cheat with the groom's brother at the reception. I've seen all the fighting and hatred. Only twice have I seen two people get married for the right reason.

Rose and Sean's wedding was really nice. Picturesque. The chapel was beautiful and everyone was dressed so nice. I enjoyed hanging out with all the people from work at the reception. Even Anne, out token old lady got dressed up and made an appearance. The groomers were their usual selves and everyone had a good time. All in all, it was a really positive experience for me.

Also, I'm going to blog about my budget occasionally.

Roots

2010-10-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

Now I remember why I blog. Whenever I'm under a lot of stress I always feel better after writing about it, even when no one comments or people react negatively. And I've been under a lot of stress lately.

I got a ticket for going 84 on the expressway the other day, which greatly annoyed me for a number of reasons. I had worked late that night and stupidly agreed to come in early the next day to work the truck, so I was trying to get home in time to get five hours of sleep before I had to get up again. Normally I would have taken Gratiot to 26 and avoided I-94 altogether, but there was a lot of traffic that night and I couldn't make a left turn. Also, two people passed me in the three miles I was on the expressway.

Not thinking much of it, I updated my Facebook status and went to sleep. A number of people recommended that I fight the ticket, which I know I should. Recently I've been having minor panic attacks in normal social situations (seeing friends, helping customers, talking to the cashier at the gas station). Even more recently, since I decided to fight the ticket I've been having a major panic attack every morning and night. I can't sleep and I don't have good days at work. I think I have social anxiety disorder and should go to the clinic or something, but I can't go on being completely miserable every day for a month, so I'll just going to pay the fine, take the points, and be angry at myself for a few months.

I've already gone to one of the 4 weddings I'm invited to this month. It was a family wedding and it didn't go particularly well, but my parents and I didn't stay long. Sean and Rose's wedding is Sunday, and I'm looking forward to it. I helped Jason pick out a sportcoat and I still need to pick up a pair of black slacks. I do wish I had gotten them a little more as a gift though. Steph's wedding is coming up at the end of the month, which I'm also looking forward to, but I'm nervous about being in the wedding party because that's something I've definitely never done before and I don't know Mike's family or friends at all. I'm really excited about their Halloween themed reception and I already have costumes in mind for Jason and myself. I'm making them both myself, which will be cheap but shouldn't look it.

My mom made cards for both of the weddings, which was really nice of her. They're very nice and I really appreciated it. I'm only worried that she's going to say something about me going to these weddings with Jason. I know how she is and I know I shouldn't let her ruin my day, but sometimes she still does. I feel awkward having Jason come here to pick me up in his suit, but feel horrible about asking him to meet me somewhere else.

After that comes Christmas, which I don't even want to think about yet.

Labor Day 2010

2010-09-06T20:17:00.000-04:00

I wasn't even supposed to be there today, at least not the entire day. The new girl called in sick this afternoon. Under normal conditions it wouldn't be a problem to find someone to cover for her, but it's labor day and everyone who wasn't at work was out enjoying themselves. Of course I stayed to cover her shift. It was only a few extra hours and I do make $15 an hour on holidays. The rude cunts who gave me attitude all day weren't worth it.

It all started when I went to Arby's this morning and found them seriously understaffed. I didn't complain because it didn't really bother me. I just wanted to get some food. Roughly an hour later a guy was complaining because we were understaffed (It was just me, the cashier, and the store manager) and told me that he called in at work because he "didn't feel like dealing with that shit." Where did he work? Arby's.

The middle parts are a blur. I remember not finishing my tanks and not selling particularly much.

It ended with the two cheap-asses who came the minute the store closed and couldn't decide what fish to buy. Not only did they ignore two closing announcements, but they argued for 5 minutes about which fish would be better to restart their tank. After I handpicked all 16 of their fish I realized they were all on our stupid dollar special. We wasted 15 minutes after the store closed for their measly $16. They could have just come in tomorrow after the sale ends, but before we take down the tags like all the other people do.

Any of these stories could be in my head and any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

School Can Suck It.

2010-08-23T17:15:00.001-04:00

Today is the first day of the fall 2010 semester at Macomb Community College. I won't be going. Not because I couldn't get government aid, because I did. Not because I couldn't get into the classes I needed, because I did. Not because I didn't jump through all of the pointless hoops the college requires, because I did. But apparently, I turned in my financial aid papers 8 days too late.

I had originally filled out my FAFSA during the second week of January so I would be ahead of the game. Unfortunately, I put in the wrong school code and Rochester College received my paperwork. I didn't realize it until April but I fixed it immediately at that time. Not having been to school for six years, I didn't realize the deadline was four months before classes start. I also didn't realize the people in the financial aid office were so useless.

During the second week of July I made a few trips to the college. Both of them were after work, so I didn't have time to finish everything at once. The first day I talked to an academic adviser and did an online orientation. The second day I lined up some classes with an academic counselor and waited in a hallway for three hours to talk to someone in the financial aid office. I asked the woman if there was anything else I needed to do and she told me to go ahead and register for classes and my aid would cover it.

The following day I registered for classes (after making another trip to the college to update my address so I could do so) and everything worked out fine. I watched my statement online and waited for my grants to be applied. There was a note toward the bottom of the statement that states that the Financial Aid Paid entry reflects aid paid on classes that start within ten days of the statement. I was a little worried that the payment was due 3 days before that time, but the lady in the financial aid office assured me it would be fine.

On the thirteenth (10 days before class started) my tuition still hadn't been paid and I still had a balance so I called the financial aid office but couldn't get through. I made another trip to the college the next day and waited in the hall for another three hours. The lady then told me that my FAFSA was late and hadn't been processed despite having been sent three months prior. Her solution: "pay cash and we'll reimburse you IF your aid goes through before the next semester." Okay, just let me hop in my Mercedes and draw $2200 from my bank.

Needless to say I'm very annoyed with Macomb Community College.

For Anyone Who Has Declined to Bowl With Me:

2010-08-19T18:29:00.001-04:00

You guys are missing out. Just saying.

This Post is Poorly Written

2010-08-18T21:32:00.000-04:00

I ended up finding the contacts I needed for my wipers through the local GM dealership, even though they had told me that they couldn't find any. They charged me three times the market value ($10, up from $3), but I picked them up the next day and was ready to go. The last time I fixed my own wipers I thought broke them because they worked a little worse than they had been, but worked. This time was a completely different story.

I called the local mechanic who is always too busy working on cop cars to do anything else. He blew me off and told me to call another mechanic to do it. It was getting kind of late and I needed to have wipers the next day, so I decided to fix it myself. Once I gathered the right tools and disassembled the wiper assembly, I learned a few things:

After installing the contacts and motor cover, I tried my wipers and the motor was doing the same thing. It turns out that the Autozone wiper motor I had installed last year already broken. One of the metal arms broke free and got lodged into a small piece of plastic. This is what caused the motor cover (including the motor controller circuits) to crack, which is what I thought caused the wipers to stop working last month.

I proceeded to reinstall the old wiper motor, which I lazily left in my trunk for the last year. Despite being a little rusty, it works beautifully. I reassembled the wiper assembly, reapplied the cover strip, and reattached the wiper arms. My wipers now work on all of the speeds, including the intermittent ones. The washer pump also works so I don't have to put up with my dirty windshield any longer. Now I just have to change my oil and rotate my tires and I'll be set for a while.

This Isn't the Best Time

2010-08-12T17:11:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to say all the things I'd like to say. Give me a few days to regroup and I'll try again.

The Art of Stress

2010-07-26T23:46:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to go back to school next month. Last week I went through enrollment and placement testing process and registered for classes. Even though most of the classes I planned on taking were full, I ended up finding some that would fulfill some requirements. All my classes are on Monday and Wednesday (with an additional one online) so I can still work as much as I have been. I even sat in a hallway for two hours to talk to the lady in the financial aid office to make sure there was nothing else I needed to do in order for it to go through. Still, I don't trust it.

I don't trust financial institutions to get my money where it needs to be when it needs to be there. My bank fucks me. Hard. So do my credit card companies. Even Baker College of Port Huron mishandled my money. Why would now be any different? I have too much credit card debt right not to be screwing around.

I'm also having a Hell of a time finding a set of windshield wiper motor park switch contacts of my car. My wiper motor cover somehow cracked in half (WTF?) and I bought a replacement, but I'm missing a few of the contacts that are used to connect it to the motor itself. The contacts were discontinued by AC Delco and none of the local stores or online shops have them. Even the reseller on eBay was out of stock, after getting my hopes up with multiple confirmation emails. So now I have no wipers. Again.

A lot of my friends are getting married and having kids right now, which is great. I'm really happy for all of them. I'm not so happy that every time someone in my life has good news she takes her anger out on me. I'd really like to tell her to fuck off, but I don't have anywhere to go. After 6 years, I'm still stuck here.

And Don't Get Me Started on Their Retarded Fucking Children

2010-07-12T22:39:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of selling animals to people who just kill them. And they don't even care. They don't give a fuck that their goldfish produce a substance that is toxic to the fish they're buying. They don't give a fuck that birds have sensitive respiratory systems and a lot of the chemicals we inhale will kill them. They don't give a fuck that guinea pigs don't have the ability to produce vitamin C, so without a constant supply they'll die. And they especially don't give a fuck that they have to pay attention to their fucking animals and keep buying more that they fucking neglect.

Then they don't want to interact with me. Like dealing with a physical person is a burden and their animals should just appear in their hands. On the other hand, they don't have any problem wasting all my time with their common sense questions and stupid ideas. Yes, those big fish with the teeth will eat those tiny fish. Yes, you can mix blue and yellow guppies. No you can't mix salt water fish with fresh water fish. Yes, I do work in the fish department, that's why I'm standing in front of the enormous fucking wall of fish.

Now I'm off to build my moon base.

Priorities

2010-06-23T15:40:00.000-04:00

Despite all the things in my life that are going well, I'd like to take the opportunity to remind everyone how much I hate the fucking bitch I live with. Today I rented a tuxedo for Stephanie and Mike's wedding. I also got promoted. But that's not nearly as important as Stepahnie being unavailable to be the miracle that makes me normal again. She can go fuck herself because I'm done playing her bullshit games. That is all.

On Work

2010-05-19T22:59:00.000-04:00

The position I had originally applied for at PetSmart three years ago was cashier. I was applying online and didn't know what to put in the box, so that was my default. It turned out that they didn't need a cashier at the time but Emma called to inform me of an opening available as a dog trainer. Even though I didn't (and still don't) know anything about training dogs I went to the interview. I think Emma and Amy mutually concluded that I was too shy to be a trainer so they stuck me in pet care, cleaning fish tanks and bird cages.

It's good that things worked out like that because I register trained over the last few weeks and I hate it a lot more than I though. I can handle rude people. I can handle people who act like I'm mentally challenged because I work part time at a pet store. I can handle people who take their bad days out on me and throw tantrums when they don't get their way. I can even handle people who launch personal attacks on me for no particular reason. What I can't handle are stupid people.

"Why is my total $95?" Did you see all the shit in your cart? Apparently not.

"Why did my total go from $40 to $185?" The $40 was your that bag of dog food I scanned. That's why it said PURNIA DOG FOOD. Now it says TOTAL. That's your total. Learn math.

"Why does the shelf say $4 if this is really $8?" It's on sale with your store card. You declined a card application and refused to give me your phone number. Learn to read.

"Why does the shelf say $20 if this is really $75?" Someone put it in the wrong spot. Did you honestly expect to get that price?

"Why does everything here cost so much?" Because the corporation takes advantage of stupid people.

Antisocial

2010-04-22T22:32:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling kind of antisocial this evening. Exactly why this results in a desire to blog is unclear, especially considering I don't really have much to blog about.

I've been pushing to update the electronics in our house not only to have better equipment available when I need it, but also to be a little more eco friendly. In February I replaced my aging CRT monitor with a new LED backlit LCD and my old hard drive with a Western Digital Caviar Green drive. For Mother's day my dad and I are going to pick up a 65 watt MSI Wind Nettop to replace my mom's ancient 250 watt 233. For Father's day the following month, my mom and I are going to get my dad a new monitor similar or identical to mine. On a side note, I was going to plant a tree today for Earth Day/Hank Green's birthday, but don't get paid until tomorrow.

A lot has been going on at work, much of which isn't really my business to talk about. A few people are leaving for better jobs, which is good because they're getting away from situations that don't work for them and will likely get better pay. On the other hand, it sucks because they were both genuinely nice and knowledgeable people. We've had some people come to my department from other areas of the store, which is good because I really enjoy teaching people things and it's nice to see people on a more regular basis.

I'm looking for a new hobby. Something cheap and preferably something I can use to make a little money on the side. I've considered picking up a small tank (I'd love a Fluval Edge, but it's $99 on sale where I work and up to $150 online) and doing some aquascaping. No fish. Just rocks, dirt, and plants. It's not the cheapest hobby, of course, but with a little effort I could make something really nice. Any thoughts on productive hobbies would be nice.

Tired

2010-04-17T23:32:00.000-04:00

Can't type long.
Work all day.
Read all night.
Eat healthy lunch.
Spend money on animals.
Be with friends Sundays.
Pay bills.
George wheezes.
Make more vids.
See Jason sleep.
I sleep now.

Script Frenzy

2010-03-27T21:54:00.001-04:00

Instead of making a post about how politics is a stupid topic to discuss because the Internet has brought the fluidity of communication to an extreme level and everyone assumes they're an expert in every subject because they have minimal experience in a small subset of that subject, I'd rather post this:

I'm ready to participate this year.

Untitled

2010-03-15T18:47:00.000-04:00

I miss the days when my blog was just my blog. The days when only three people had the URL. When I could talk about whatever I wanted and didn't have to take other people into account. When I could just be honest and not sugar coat every sentence. It's kind of the same feeling one gets of missing the innocent days of his/her childhood. I guess I'll begrudgingly keep at it until I find that I have relevant things to say once again. Until then expect plenty of drivel.

Look at Me Still Talking While there's Science to Do

2010-03-06T10:58:00.000-05:00

Jason wants to buy a house sometime in the near future so I've been trying to save money to pay off my debt to save money. That hasn't been working too well because I'm at a point where I barely make enough money to pay all my bills and buy the things I need. People tell me I should find another job, but the market isn't so good out there right now and I'm not going to sacrifice my stable job for one where I'd make more money but might be out of a job in six months. That's just irresponsible. Foreclosed homes are super cheap right now and a lot of them are in an area I'd like to live. I'm also interested in home repair and gardening and think I could really make something out of a crappy little house.

Jason and I went to see Alice in Wonderland last night and I really enjoyed it. It was a lot more interesting than I though it would be and the story was a nice change from a lot of the shit movies that are coming out right now.

Not much else has been going on here. I've been reading The Art of Happiness by Howard Cutler and the Dalai Lama. It's pretty interesting and got me thinking about a lot of things. I've also been practicing proper Zen minimalism and meditating more than I used to. I also started yoga, but am not sure if I like it yet.

This Week's Random Virus

2010-02-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

First: I don't know why my header is purple. It looked black on my old monitor and I don't really feel like fixing it right now.

I've have the last 5 days off, but I've been sick for the last 5 days. What a lovely surprise. On Thursday I felt better during the afternoon, but it didn't last long. Needless to say, I didn't get much done this week. I did get caught up on all my podcasts, though. Now, I have to clean.

My Birthday, with no Photos

2010-02-15T16:53:00.000-05:00

I had a really good birthday. About a week ago, half way between Jason's birthday and my own, we went to dinner at Leong's with Rose, Sean, Jason, Jennifer, and Sarah. I forgot what I ordered and the waitress made fun of me. Then I had to remind her to bring me chopsticks. Again. Then we hung around Walmart for a while, but ran into one of my managers which was a little awkward.

Jason and I hung out with Steph and her family on my birthday. Steph made me a cake and everyone signed a card for me. It was nice. Then we went bowling at Colony, which was more fun than I thought it would be. Since I ended up on a lane with all the kids, I got a relatively high score. Relatively. Heather won me a stuffed dog from their quarter eater, which we tried to give to Jose because he wanted her to win him something, but the machine wasn't giving another prize. I couldn't stay out too late because I had to work the next morning.

My parents gave me a new 19" widescreen monitor, Jason gave me 2GB of RAM and I used the money my mom gave me to buy a 500GB 7200RPM hard drive. The image from the monitor is beautiful, especially when it's using proper sRGB color. The computer is so much more responsive with the extra RAM, so much that I'm able to do the things I always do without the least amount of slowdown. I'm expecting the hard drive to arrive by Thursday so I reinstall Windows and set everything up before the long hours I'm working over the weekend.

On Valentine's day, Jason took me The Little Bar behind CVS in Marine City. I got Southwestern Tapalia, which was really good. I tasted Jason's long island iced tea, which was also really good. I got Jason a box of chocolates but despite the price, it only came with 6 pieces. He couldn't stay late because he had to work early the next morning. It's a running theme that annoys some of my unemployed friends.

The Future of Lies

2010-02-08T23:37:00.000-05:00

We've been trying to orally communicate with our machines for a number of years. We haven't had a terrible amount of success until the last few years. The Google Nexus One will let you perform a number of complex actions with simple voice commands (the fact that the phone transmits the sound of your voice to Google where it is decoded and data sent back to the phone is irrelevant). Microsoft Sync is a similar system, optional in any Ford/Linclon/Mercury vehicle which also works exceedingly well. How long will it take for systems like these to be standard on devices, large and small?

Intel Chief Technology Officer, Justin Rattner, theorizes that as computers become faster, we'll begin programming them to think in the same way we do. This makes sense, seeing as our brains seem to be the most efficient computers in existence. When these computers begin to think like us, voice recognition and synthesis will be completely natural. At this point, the most convenient and efficient way to interface with a computer will be by speech. It becomes not entirely unlikely then, that text and writing will eventually fade and our culture will be orally based, like those that existed thousands of years ago.

The difference is that instead of bards passing down and retelling stories through the generations, we'll have computers recording everything we do with 100% accuracy and perfectly communicating the situation to anyone within reason (Ignore the issues with this right now). Since these computers have all the accuracy of written word, will be easier to interface with, and will be in the hands of everyone, society will still be able to advance in much the same way it does now only much faster.

A great deal of information can be conveyed through speech. Tone, pitch, inflection, loudness, and rhythm together convey the true intent of a message behind words. Our brains interrupt these cues and do their best to determine meaning. We then reply, automatically adding these elements into our speech.

The problem I see is this:

These same elements of speech can also be used to hide the intent of a message. What's to keep someone from creating a nice, sweet, mild mannered program with a pretty little voice to deceive and manipulate us in all kinds of creative ways? And the lies get a hell of a lot more convincing if we add holographic body language to the mix. Human psychology is a bitch like that.

Is it any wonder I used to write science fiction?

That's What She Said

2010-02-01T22:47:00.000-05:00

And I concur.

Rennovation

2010-01-28T13:01:00.000-05:00

My new blog template didn't quite turn out how I wanted it. I'm fairly happy with my flickr badge (to the far left), but wanted it to align to the left side of the window with now space between the images. I'm also still looking for a grungy image to use for the body background (to the right of the black line). I came across a lot of images I liked, but wouldn't work for one reason or another. Not sure what I'm going to do with the design from here. Any suggestions?

That's Like Something from Science Fiction

2010-01-22T01:40:00.000-05:00

I've decided that instead of living on a planet it the Goldilocks zone of a nearby solar system (which has been a desire of mine for some time), I would be content living on a space ship. With a little training I could be an amazing medic or mechanic. It doesn't matter if we ever actually went anywhere because I'd be away from here. As long as I could convince Jason to go along with it, it would be an ideal situation for all.

[THIS PARAGRAPH IS NOT ABOUT PUPPIES OR KITTENS AND HAS BEEN REMOVED]

I've been really bored with my job lately. It's a nice job and all, but it's never interesting. Every week I clean the same tanks, feed the same animals, and talk to the same customers about the same problems. The only time anything interesting happens is when something breaks and I get a chance to fix it. Unless it's something big like the main sump. That just gets in the way of my work.

My bank account and I are currently having a minor scuff, which is normal for the Christmas and birthday rush season. I also need to get glasses that aren't partially opaque with scratches and tags for my license plate which aren't expired. What joy.

Happy Happy Fun Haiku

2010-01-16T14:59:00.000-05:00

Life is wonderful.
Rainbows and puppies abound.
Earth is beautiful.

Marriage

2010-01-13T16:38:00.004-05:00

If people continue treating marriage as a privilege for people who fit a small set of preconditions, then I propose the following additional conditions:

a)The sum of the IQ of the two individuals must be more than or equal to 280.

b)The two individuals must have a combined annual income of at least $40,000 plus an additional $10,000 for child that is expected.

c)The two individuals must carry no dominant or recessive genes linked to any illness or disability.

d)The two individuals must undergo an extensive background check and have no recorded felonies and no more than one misdemeanor each.

e)The two individuals must undergo psychometric profiling and posses only the traits conducive to raising a family.

f)The two individuals must be virgins.

Furthermore, once two individuals are married, the government is to keep a close eye on them to make sure the following conditions are being met:

a)The two individuals must maintain their annual income.

b)The two individuals must produce children within one year of marriage.

c)The two individuals must not perform any acts of infidelity.

d)The two individuals must not be committed of of any crimes.

e)The two individuals must continue to produce the optimal number of children for the first five years of the marriage.

f)The two individuals must provide proper education for every child produced by the marriage.

Let's send that shit to court and see what happens.

Same Old Thing

2010-01-12T01:05:00.002-05:00

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I don't know if it's because I've been sitting around too much, drinking too much coffee, or worrying too much. Even though it's a new year and I've made a lot of changes, I think my financial situation may take a little longer to fix up than I originally though.

I just need to get back out of here. Much like the dilemma I was in a few years ago, everyone I know is moving ahead in life, but I'm stuck here. Now, instead of simply moving out of their parents' homes, everyone is getting married this year. It's a step I'm emotionally ready to take, but once again, I'm stuck here with no money and no way to get away from the people who hold me back.

Blah. I'm going to bed.

Does My Gerbil Really Need Water?

2010-01-07T16:32:00.002-05:00

I really wish people would stop buying pets for their children. Kids have no desire to take care of something, and neither do most adults. Over the holiday season I sold a number of pets and fish tanks. I also had a number of questions such as "Are you really sure I need a filter for my fish tank," "Can't I just feed my hamster old vegetables," and "If it dies can't I just come back and get a new one?" If you don't want to take care of a living animal don't buy one, you miserable people. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I've been transferring the data from my 120g hard drive to my new terabyte drive and I realized that I've been downloading music faster than I can properly tag it. It's a lengthy process, but when it's done my music will be much more organized and I'll start using Winamp's music library again. I originally started weeding out the collection, removing music I don't listen to or no longer like, but I ended up almost doubling what I've gotten through so far. Not my intention.

That's all I have. It's been a boring few days, but I don't want to stop blogging again.

2010

2010-01-05T00:07:00.001-05:00

I suppose it's time for me to return to reality. For a moment I contemplated extending my vacation until the end of the decade (at the end of this year, not the beginning), but I think I've had enough time to myself. It's really helped me clear my mind and concentrate on what is really important to me.

I haven't been doing much other than playing games, reading a few Carl Sagan books, and been trolling around the religion and LGBT sections of Yahoo! Answers. I've been listening to a lot of good podcasts, including Are We Alone, This Week in Science, Astronomy Cast, and all of the new content on TWiT.tv.

Connie needed some help pulling up her carpet and refinishing her hardwood floor, so Jason and I helped her with that. I really enjoyed that because I enjoy doing productive projects and it ended up looking very good. She also cooked quite a bit of real food for us and let Jason and I record a few episodes of "Ask a Gay Couple". We all had fun with that.

For the last few weeks I've been having good times just hanging out with my friends. Rose and I have been hanging out a lot since she started working at PetSmart. Last week her fiance, Sean, took us all out for dinner at Outback Steakhouse in Chesterfield, which was tasty, but all too expensive. I plan to return the favor next week with a gift card I'll be winning from our annual sales contest at work. Steph had a New Year's Eve party, which I enjoyed a lot. Jason and I even danced briefly this year.

I've been reading a blog called Zen Habits and am going to start simplifying my life and doing some of the other things on there. There's so much clutter in my life that the tings that I find important aren't really accessible to me. I allow people's negative attitudes get to me, which is getting cumbersome and needs to stop. I'm going to start spending more time enjoying the few things I have instead of working to get things I don't need.

I plan to pay off my credit card debt by June. After that I can finally repay the people I owe money to and concentrate on paying off my auto loan. That should help me get to the point where I can get out on my own again, maybe even put a down payment on a house at some time in the near future. I could then fix it up and sell if for a profit, depending on when the housing market picks back up. I'm optimistic about the economy.

That's all I want to say right now. How is everyone else doing? Does anyone bother checking back here anymore? Please, let me know.

Radio.SETI.org

2009-12-12T18:46:00.003-05:00

Since June, I've been taking a nice break from reality. I stopped keeping up with my blog and myspace and have been playing a lot of games. Old ones mostly, because a I'm super broke and can barely afford to keep my car running. But that's not really important to this post. I'll be back next year and will resume my normal online behavior. Until then, check out the emo posts in the archive.

Your Finger is Turning Purple

2009-09-10T23:14:00.002-04:00

I was bitten by a ball python today. They're normally friendly snakes and we handle them all the time without hassle. He had just eaten and I had just washed my hands really well so I really don't know why he did it. I stuck my hand in his feeding container to put him back in his normal cage, and he just latched on to my middle finger.

Most pythons are constrictors, so their bite isn't terribly painful, but they have very strong muscles in their bodies to suffocate their prey. I asked Mary what to do and she asked the vet. They told us to put something in his mouth and pry his jaws off my finger, but we couldn't get it to work, so I ended up walking to them, half way across the store, with this snake attached to my finger. The vet had no trouble removing it and I went to lunch.

When I came back from lunch, I wasted 40 minutes on the phone filing an incident report. The bitchy nurse I ended up talking to asked me when my last tetanus booster shot was. I told her it was when I was a child, to which she replied "Was it in the last five years," to which I replied "No, it was when I was a child." Eventually, she demanded I go to Mt. Clemens General ER for the shot. Not only did I was all that time, but they made me leave an hour and a half early for a very minor wound. I still feel bad for not finishing all my work before I left.

The hospital was easy enough to find, and the nurse I spoke with had already sent the paperwork over so everyone was waiting for me. Everyone was really interested in my story and I guess they don't see too many snake bites down that way. I only had to wait a few minutes before the doctor came in with the booster. The shot itself felt roughly the same as the bite, but I didn't react so well to it. I was fine until the lady left the room. Then my arm started hurting really bad, I became nauseous, and passed out. I was awake again when she came back and they let me go right away.

That is my story of the day. Not as fun as going to dinner and the zoo, but much more dramatic.

My Long Weekend

2009-08-21T18:16:00.002-04:00

Now that we have our usual number of managers and employes at work, they're cutting my hours, which I half way expected, but I'm not going to be able to spend much money anymore. No more late night deserts and excessive dinners. That's okay because I've been taking in too many calories recently anyway.

I'm also realy wanting to start modding computer cases and selling them online. There's probably not an extreme market for it right now, so I might take a hit on it at first, but I think it could eventually be profitable. That would be really cool because that's one of the things I'm really interested in.

I've also been writing again and might get back into filmmaking. Fun stuff. :)

I Think I'll Start Blogging Again

2009-08-12T18:30:00.003-04:00

I just needed some time off from everything. Here's a list of things that have happened since I last posted:

Switched to Google Chrome, good browser.

Paid off my Meijer Card, but still have 2 more cards.

Spammed YouTube on Twitter, with no results.

Went to the Detroit Zoo, wasn't impressed.

Searched for a shotgun mic and wide angle lens, i'm broke.

Made good food, ate most of it.

Started watching Film Riot, good show.

Made a budget, no intention of sticking to it.

That's about it.

Dear Mom,

2009-06-18T00:07:00.003-04:00

Thank you for being there for me these past ten years since I became depressed. And the two years out of that I was suicidal. And the three years I smoked pot three times a week so I wouldn't have to deal with my life. Thanks for caring more about my feelings than what your family thinks about you. Thanks for always blaming my problems on other people so you can blame yours on me. I appreciate it greatly. I know I haven't done the same for you, all those times you blow up and break down for trivial reasons. I guess I didn't learn enough from your example.

I'm sorry your first husband left you. That one was clearly my fault. I'm sorry Dave Soboleski says mean things to you, again totally my fault. I wish your parents weren't such dicks to you when you were growing up. A bit out of my way, but I should have done something to fix that. I'm just negligent. Sorry you feel inadequate compared to your siblings. Obviously, if I was better than any of my thieving, alcoholic, drug dealing, trailer trash cousins things would be much better for you. I'm also truly sorry I didn't die as an infant. We would have both been better off that way.

You're right. I chose to move back in here. Despite all the credit card debt I amassed trying to get away from you, I could have moved into any one of the apartments in the Chesterfield area. They're just so cheap out there these days. I really don't do anything around here. With the private lawn service and fleet of electricians around here to fix all the problems in the house, I don't have to do anything but sit on my ass and watch television and spread rumors on the phone. I don't even go to work anymore, which is obviously why I don't buy the things we desperately need like a shed or grill.

It really sucks that my relatives hang out with other people who are my age because that means they talk about me behind my back all day. That's a given. What else would they be talking about? No one should know anything about me because it's all so horrible. Everything I've ever done it just atrocious.

/sarcasm

The only reason I don't say any of this to your face is because when I hurt people I feel remorse. Given your behavior, I obviously don't get that from you. If you had helped me one fucking time in my life things could be so much better. Instead, you focus on avoiding your problems and making me feel guilty for every little thing anyone has ever done to you. I want to thank you for that. It's thanks to you that I can deflect everyone Else's hatred and negative comments without flinching. And that will probably be the only thing I thank you for.

So I'll go on keeping my feelings to myself even though you would never extend the courtesy to me. I'll let you call me lazy and worthless even though that's clearly a description of you. I won't burst your little distorted reality bubble. All I ask is that you don't drag Jason and me into it. Also, if you would stop starting fights at midnight, that would be great.

Sincerely,

Your lazy, stupid,

ignorant, good for

nothing, gay, loser

of a son, Rich

FML

2009-05-21T22:38:00.004-04:00

I haven't really felt like blogging in a long time, partly because I've been overall more depressed than normal and partly because the times I'm not depressed I'm usually doing work of some kind. Just today I cut down the steel pegs sticking up from the patio, fixed the workbench that's out there, mowed the lawn, and burned a bunch of the wood lying around from when the garage was torn down.

Jason and my four year anniversary was on the fifth. I bought him some coffee and he bought me some chocolate covered coffee beans and a mug. I guess we both like coffee that much. We then spent the day in Midland, which was really nice. We hit up the mall and had a nice dinner at a place called Shirlene's. It was a great day and I'm really glad I have Jason to share my life with.

I'm not so glad about sharing my life with my mom. She keeps trying to convince me that I'm not gay and asking intrusive questions. That would be fine if we had any common ground or if I knew how to talk to her, but I don't. I just kind of ignore it, but I can only do that for so long. When she asks me about my relationship with Jason or if I've ever had sex with a guy I have to lie because she would just yell at me anyway. I feel guilty for lying, but I feel depressed that I'm in a position where I have to lie in the first place. I don't know what to do.

My mom also spends all my money. This month, I was going to use my spare money to pay off my Meijer card, so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Then my mom bitched at me until I bought her a wheelbarrow so she could clean up the back yard. When I finally bought it this morning, she didn't even use the damn thing and sat around talking on the phone all day. She also insisted that we need a new hose and sprayer, so I ended up getting that too. I don't even want to know what I'm going to end up paying for next week.

Having said that, I've been making more financially sound decisions that I have in the past few months. I paid $50 on all three of my credit cards and haven't made any new purchases. I also only ate out twice this month (to my recollection). I refrained from using my free money to buy a TV I need to play many of my games (although Jason bought a completely superfluous one). There is a list of things I want and need on the side of my monitor and I've stuck to just the things I need.

It does annoy me that whenever I want or need something, be it a television or a computer, someone goes out and buys a new one. For once I would like to be able to support myself and just get the things I need. I can go without a TV or a MacBook, but I really need a pair of work shoes but I can't get them because I'm buying everything for everyone else. It also annoys me that everyone gets to go to school but me. Some of them go just to say they did, and some of them refuse to go, despite getting a full ride. I don't understand why my friends can get financial aid from the government, but I can't even though my parents and I pull in a combined $20,000 a year. WTF?

Another reason I haven't blogged in a while and the main reason I think I don't write is that no matter how much effort I put into something I never get anything back. No matter how hard I work at PetSmart, they don't care. All I want is someone to tell me I did a good job, but all I get is a free pop. No matter how hard I work at a blog or myspace design, someone else has a better one. No matter how hard I try to pay off my debt, something comes up and I get deeper. No matter how much effort I put into something I write, I'm never satisfied with it.

I've been in an all around bad mood recently, but I'm going to try really hard to get back out of it. Thanks for your time.

Easter '09

2009-04-12T17:06:00.003-04:00

I'm not blogging on holidays anymore. It's not fair to everyone who enjoys them. If you want to know how I'm feeling, just look back to a previous holiday. Like Christmas 2006. I will continue bitching on Twitter and Myspace, though. Sorry about that.

Hooray for Monday

2009-04-06T21:35:00.003-04:00

I've been working a lot of hours since I last blogged. We've got ridiculous new policies at work, and some of them are really starting to be cumbersome. I've also been doing a lot for other people, especially on my days off, which has really been wearing me down. By the time I do everything for everyone else and relax a little, I don't have time to do any of the things I need to do, like start writing for Script Frenzy.

I replaced all the light bulbs in our house with CFLs. That cost a lot with them being $3.50 a bulb, needing to buy 2 toggle switches (to replace dimmers), and a faceplate, but it was something I just wanted to do. I also had to buy a hooded litter box for my cat, food and bedding for my rats, and a waste rake for my mom's dog, who shits all over our driveway. That was realy annoying, considering I've been paying $400 a month on my credit cards since I moved back in, but am still less than $100 from my limit. Gotta love living with cheap motherfuckers.

I really want to pay off my balance before I go back to school this year. I've already applied for financial aid, but I'm going to need to submit the correction form because my dad apparently didn't do his taxes yet this year. If they don't give me anything again his year, I'm going to take out a loan at Chase. I heard they have low requirements, and I'm pretty sure I'll qualify on my own merits. I'm going to use a small portion of the money to buy a computer and put the rest of it in a student checking account at my bank, where I won't be tempted to spend any more of it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Nothing New

2009-03-23T20:27:00.002-04:00

I really have nothing new to say. I feel like I did 2 years ago at this time: trapped in a place with people who I can't get close to. That's not a pleasant experience. I'm perfectly comfortable with myself now, but none of the people around me are (with the exception of a few close friends). My mom still makes mean spirited comments and I keep pretending everything is okay. The only difference is now I don't blog about it as much because it's not what people want to hear.

I'll blog again as soon as I think of something to say.

On Eating Healthy

2009-03-13T15:27:00.004-04:00

Since I moved back into my mom's house I've been eating healthier. I stopped eating fast food and started buying more fruits, vegetables, and chicken. I stopped eating pizza rolls on my lunch break, in favor of fruit and yogurt. Ever since then I've felt like shit. I'm tired all the time and I keep getting sick. Who would have figured?

February

2009-02-21T17:13:00.002-05:00

I've been working a lot of hours at work, so I really haven't had a whole lot of time to blog. I still wish I was getting about 10 more hours, just so I could finally pay off my bills, but I think 30 is good enough for now. I also think the new manager quit. I didn't like her, but I feel bad that she quit/got fired/whatever.

I'm getting behind in my reading. I still haven't finished The Tipping Point or The Ultimate Guide to Video Game Writing and Design, both of which I got last year. For my birthday Jason gave me The Black Hole war (quantum physics), and The Drunkard's Walk (mathematics). They're both really interesting books that I had considered purchasing, but never had the money. Then my parents gave me a gift certificate and membership card at Barnes and Noble, so I picked up four more books: The Zombie Survival Guide, Book of Lies, The Web Designer's Idea Book, and a nice coffee table book about graffiti. I think I'll be set on reading materials for a while.

I still haven't fixed the wipers in my car. I bought a wiper motor and thought it would be a pretty straightforward installation, but I was wrong. It looks like I'm going to have to remove the mounting bracket along with the motor (because it bolts in from the side that's inaccessible), but I'm not really sure how to do it. I've been trying to get it in to the local mechanic for two weeks, but he keeps telling me to come back the next day. That's kind of bullshit when I work every day and can't otherwise get there. I'm not paying another $80 for him to install it when he can't do it when I need it, so I ordered the repair manual for my car from the Port Huron library so I can do it myself.

I've been playing a lot of new games, namely Age of Empires 3. For the time being I'm stuck with PC games because I don't have a TV to use with my PS2 (which is on it's last legs anyway). The problem with playing a lot of PC games is that they take up a lot of hard drive space, and 70 gigs runs out pretty quickly, especially when I need to download a lot of other files and play multiple neighborhoods in The Sims. I'd really like to get a 500 gig IDE drive, which are pretty cheap, but I don't really have the money available.

There was a point (just after my tax return came in) that I did have the money and planned on buying the drive, but Fred and George were quickly outgrowing their cage, so I bought them a new one. It's 30" tall, has 3 platforms with ramps between them, a built in water bowl (so they don't spill it and don't have to drink from the bottle), and a hammock. I also picked up some new treats, but like the rest of their treats, they don't like them. They do like dog toys, though.

Home Again

2009-02-01T23:15:00.002-05:00

Maybe if my mom didn't fuck me every chance she got I'd trust her enough to tell her I'm in a committed relationship with Jason. Maybe if she cared more about how I feel than what her family says behind MY back I'd respect her enough to be honest. But, no. It's the same old shit. I've moved back in yesterday and things are already back to the way they were before.

Fuck this shit. I'm going to look for a full time job so I can afford to rent some shitty apartment in a shady area somewhere. I'll be worn out, overworked, and miserable, but at least I won't have to deal with as many personal attacks all the time. Fucking wonderful.

Something in 2009

2009-01-27T22:25:00.001-05:00

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me!

My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

* What I create will be with you in mind.

* It'll be done sometime this year (2009)

* You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be something written, some physical thing made, could be anything at all, but I will make it myself. It's entirely my choice what it is. No quibbles, no refunds.

* I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch?

Oh, the catch is that you put this in your blog as well. If you don't.. You don't get anything.

Will Someone Please Fucking Shoot Me Already?

2009-01-23T19:51:00.003-05:00

We have a new operations manager (second in command) at work. I don't think she likes me much. On Monday she announced that some of the oscar tanks were dirty, which apparently means 'clean them now.' I would have cleaned them if I wasn't already swamped doing stuff like, I don't know, my fucking job. It's bad enough that I was opening birds, with extra instructions because of mites, but I was also working with Anne who doesn't get her shit done on Mondays because she takes fucking forever filling out paperwork.

On Wednesday, she asked me if I was going to clean them before our DM came in. I told her it was the next thing on my list, which it was, after I finished what I was working on (again, my fucking job). It's exactly what I did when I finished opening that morning - spot clean the first 142 tanks. Apparently, she didn't believe me.

She didn't say anything to me, though. She told Jonathan something to the effect that I have an attitude problem. That really pisses me off because I've worked there for a year longer than she has, and she has the balls to come in and badmouth me. I work my ass off at this job fixing shit other people fuck up and doing everyone else's work so they can slack off. I work up to 12 hour shifts because everyone in my department calls in sick. I take on extra days whenever people need me to. I do work that's not even on the list because I know it won't get done otherwise. I don't need some new bitch to come in and tell me I'm not doing my mother fucking job.

I spent the last 3 days at my mom's house trying to build her shed. The one that I put on a credit card. The one that she's going to put her shit in so I can have a fucking place to sleep when I move back in. She promised she'd have it cleared out by the time I needed to move stuff, but I guess she still doesn't keep her promises. Sheds generally need to be built somewhere flat and level. Our shed is built on neither, and it's no longer square. That makes the holes in the roof panels not line up. Awesome, now I have to go back again this week to fix the fucker and try to finish it before I move out next week.

I also still haven't told her about Jason and me. I don't know how to bring it up, and she stopped asking. I feel really horrible about lying and don't want to fucking hide it all the time. I want to be able to put up the picture of us he gave me for out anniversary. I want to not have to minimize my email when someone walks in the room. I want to just be happy as myself, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to.

2009-01-19T13:57:00.002-05:00

So I bought an 1998 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It's a nice roomy car, which I really like, but I've been having some problems with it.

First, the ABS is a little hyperactive. Every time I drive in the snow (every day since the day after I bought the car) the brakes make the most obnoxious clanking noise when I brake. Apparently, that's normal anti-lock brake behavior, to an extent. I don't have money to get them checked out, but I've been reading a lot on the Internet. It wasn't the noise that made me nervous, as much as the inability to stop. The solution: Pull the ABS fuse. Now I can control my speed in the snow without the brakes going retarded.

My wipers work on and off. Sometimes they seem to work fine unless it's snowing or raining. That's fine for really short trips, like home to work and back, but I'm about to move 18 miles from my job. That's not so fine. I replaced the fuse when I pulled the other one, and they seem to work again, but I'm not sure if it will last or not since it was an intermittent problem to begin with. The fuse I pulled didn't look blown, but it had some weird burn marks on it, which may be indicative of a much bigger problem.

The last thing is that my interior lights don't work. The door lights, the overheads, the gauge cluster back light, even the radio and gear selector/odometer light (when the headlights are on). I think the gauge cluster faintly glows, but it could just be my eyes. Either way it's kind of annoying. Also, I don't know how to fix that one.

It's also costing me more money than I really have, even though I got a pretty good deal and didn't have to pay sales tax (because the dealership was desperate to make a sale). My insurance only comes up to $147, which is a Hell of a lot less than I was expecting. Gas is another concern. Since it's such a big car, it doesn't really handle fuel very well, people also weren't really worried about fuel economy in the 90's either. I wonder how much it would cost to convert to biodesiel.

2009-01-05T14:20:00.002-05:00

I decided I don't need to purchase a particularly nice car. I've been looking at an '04 Impala for about $6,500 in Port Huron. I really want it because it's reliable, powerful, comfortable, and comes with some nice features. It's all around a great car. But it's not the car I'm going to get.

A lot in Marine City has a '95 Cavalier for about $1600. It's not as powerful or comfortable, and it's got 170,000 miles. But at $160 a month I could have it paid off in a year and still afford my insurance and credit card payments. That's what I need right now, so that's what I'm leaning toward. That is, of course, if they give me financing with no money down.

2009

2009-01-02T21:23:00.001-05:00

So, my resolutions are as follows:

To be more proactive to my happiness.
To eat less junk food.
To exercise more.

That's it. Happy New Years everyone.

On Second Thoguht

2008-12-23T16:05:00.002-05:00

I totally changed my mind about what I want for Christmas this year.

What I'd really like is to finally be done with the transition of being completely comfortable with myself. All this time I was hoping for the people around me to get over it, but I realized something: I'm always going to be around new people, and I can't spend my entire life wishing for everyone else to be okay with who I am. I think if I was comfortable with who I am, I would care a lot less what other people think of me.

So I don't need my mom to accept me, Jason's parents to like me, any of my friends or family to accept me. I just need to accept myself and everything will start getting better.

That is the only thing I really want to come out of this year.

I Need to Start Getting More Sleep

2008-12-17T23:25:00.002-05:00

I just applied for a small car loan at my bank which I would rather have done in person than online, but I'm running out of time and don't know how long it will take to process. I've been putting it off for a while because I'm afraid I won't get it. Without it, I won't have a vehicle and I'm moving 22 miles away from PetSmart in a little over a month. I know it's going to cost a lot to insure, fuel, and pay for, but I don't really have many viable alternatives right now.

I could try to find a super cheap apartment that's withing walking distance from my job, but that's not really likely. The cheapest I recall seeing was $600 a month, which is way too much. That doesn't include utilities and Internet access, either. Of course, I might be able to find something cheaper more toward the Mt. Clemens area, but there are two problems with that: I don't want to live in an area that's any less safe than where I live now, and I'd have to find a job that will pay me enough to live on right away.

I'm just in kind of a shitty situation right now and I don't know what to do so I stay up most of the night worrying about it. That makes it hard to work 6 to noon without feeling run down by the time I leave. And that makes it hard to create the illusion that everything is okay. And that makes me feel bad for making everyone else feel worse.

Just Another Average Post

2008-12-16T15:00:00.002-05:00

I feel like I always let everyone down. My mom needs me to help her move all the shit from her garage by Friday (which we had been doing before her car broke down), but I don't really have a way to get there. I feel like it's sort of my fault because I've been putting off some of the bigger things and now that it needs to get done, I still don't have a car. I don't even know if I'll be able to make it there for Christmas because work might be retarded and schedule me at 6AM the day after.

That's just one of the ways the holidays have me run down. Of course, I've been working extra hours at work, taking on peoples' hours when I can, and getting a lot less sleep (which is really something considering how little sleep I normally get). But, all that doesn't really matter. I've spent all the money I have available to me. That keeps me up at night, worrying about how big of a dent my week in Tennessee is going to make on January's rent and my Mastercard. On top of that, I still don't know if I'm going to be able to get a loan for a car or find a really crappy one for the amount of money I still have in my savings.

But Christmas is wonderful, so I'm not supposed to be unhappy.

Christmas 2008

2008-11-28T11:01:00.002-05:00

Since Black Friday marks the first day of Christmas I thought I'd share what I would really like this year. Some of them are pretty selfish, I know. My list is as follows:

1. To be free of debt

2. To be appreciated

3. To be surrounded by fewer idiots

4. To be loved for who I really am

5. For all my friends to get along together

6. Some kind of purpose for life

7. A little confidence

8. The ability to focus

9. For my parents to accept me

10. To live in a world with less conflict

I Think I Need a Vacation from Life

2008-11-24T20:10:00.002-05:00

I paid Connie a visit yesterday. There was a network problem with her husband's computer (which Jason and I couldn't figure out), and she needed to copy a large amount of data between two USB hard drives. 375 gigs is a lot of data to move between two drives on the same interface, so I think it'll take a few days. She gave me a printer though, which I've been needing for some time. Of course, now that I have it I don't remember what I needed to print.

I saw Julie too, but she didn't really say much. Luke asked me to build some space ships out of Lego's for him, which was really fun. I don't really get to build much stuff anymore. Which reminds me, I've been working on a new theme for my blog and myspace, but I'm kind of rusty at Photoshop, so it's been taking a while.

I've also been doing some (possibly the bulk) Christmas and birthday shopping. It was mostly books, but I got my mom some nice candles at Meijer. There's not much else I can say there. I checked out the Biggby Coffee chain, which was kind of pricey, but so much better than Starbucks. I just wish there was a location a little closer than Garfield and Hall.

Coming Out Part 42

2008-11-07T18:59:00.003-05:00

When Heather (my manager) pestered me about my personal life a week ago, I realized just how tired I really am of lying to everyone. When I added her to myspace, I also sent a request to some of the people I work with who weren't already on my list. Doug, Jonathan, Rebecca. The people I see all the time and would consider friends (I don't dislike Jonathan like I did when I started working there). Myspace probably isn't the best way to come out, but I couldn't think of a better plan.

I'm glad that everyone took it well, even though it's really sad that the phrase 'took it well' is needed in the first place. Heather obviously didn't care and we still have conversations about Jason. Looking further into it, Rebecca hasn't logged into her myspace in a few months, but that's fine. It turns out Jonathan is gay too, so it's all good. Apparently he never would have guessed because I don't 'act gay.' That made me smile.

I went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno yesterday. The entire movie made me laugh. I would defiantly recommend it to anyone who laughs at dirty jokes. I've also been playing Spore. Even though I have a legitimate purchased copy (not necessarily by me) that had presumably been installed on less than 5 computers, I couldn't use it and had to acquire the game by other means. Nevertheless, it's still a very fun game worth picking up.

That's it for today on my hapy, happy, blog.

A Smashing Good Time

2008-11-04T22:15:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I got to vote for the first time. That went well, except I had to get up at 7 am to do so. That wasn't so fun. Proposal 8, (rebanning gay marriage in California) went through, which is really retarded. @.@

While we were driving to Connie's house Jason turned down Rattle Run instead of Wadhams, which didn't really make that big of a difference because we would have gotten to our destination eventually. But then Jason made a right onto Palms (by my request) and turned around as soon as it turned into a dirt road. After that, Wadahms was closed, but Jason insisted that the sign was a lie. It wasn't, so we turned around again. Good times.

I spent this afternoon at Connie's, eating a nice dinner, fixing a few computers, and breaking some shit. She had a really old computer that she wanted to get rid of, but was worried about someone getting the information from her hard drive. The solution: a crowbar and an axe. Fun stuff. Dinner was really good, too. Dinosaur. Like Thanksgiving, only more pleasant.

Familiar Faces

2008-11-03T16:51:00.002-05:00

Halloween was good. I stayed home with Steph and Jason and watched Halloween H20. I picked up some cheap vodka and some sort of cherry rum that didn't mix well with the Dr. Pepper. There were also 2 large party subs involved. The evening before I helped Steph's little cousin carve a pumpkin in exchange for some seeds. They were pretty good.

One of my managers has started asking me questions about my 'girlfriend' the other day. She first asked me how long I had a girlfriend a few weeks ago, after a particular event. Jonathan was standing directly behind me, so I didn't really say anything about it. The other day she asked me a number of questions that caught me off guard and again, I didn't correct her. I felt really awful about not saying anything, so I added her to my myspace. This morning she asked me about my boyfriend and we had a nice little conversation. Happy ending.

That's all that's really been going on. :)

I've Got a Funny Feeling We're All Born to Lose

2008-10-17T16:08:00.004-04:00

I haven't done anything constructive since the last time I posted, hence there was no need to blog. I've been suffering severe bouts of on and off depression for the last few weeks. That's always fantastic. Last week I injured my arm in a horrific skateboarding accident. It still hurts when I rotate my lower arm, but it feels so much better than a week ago.

Sometimes I just want to be someone else. I don't care who, just anyone. I'm really dissatisfied with myself and my life. Maybe if I got out more and tried to do more constructive things I'd feel better. I don't know where to start, though.

There is nowhere I can apply myself, or I haven't found a place to. I want to do all these things with my life, but I have nowhere to start. I want to be a chef (not a short order cook), but I have neither the money to buy ingredients nor anyone to really cook for. I want to be a graphic designer, working on posters and similar media, but I don't have a subject. I want to be a filmmaker, but I have nowhere to just gather some people, pick up a camera and start shooting. I want to be a game designer, but I don't have a platform on which I could create something halfway decent without starting from scratch.

Economic Bullshit

2008-10-02T13:30:00.003-04:00

I'm getting really sick of having to worry about small amounts of money.

15 cents. The amount I went overlimit on my MasterCard, pulling out money for an emergency. The bank then proceeded to charge me $40 for it, days after I sent in a payment, putting me back under my limit. Then they charged me a $20 fee for charging me the $40. All because I miscalculated how much the cash advance fee would be.

14 Cents. The amount I overdrafted by when Heather forgot her money for a movie ticket. Even though I put money back in the bank that night, they still transfered $50 from my credit card as "overdraft protection." They charged me $9 for that, but it put me over my credit limit again so I expect to get another $60 in charges. Thank God I transfered $165 to keep myself from going over a third time after the newest charges.

36 cents. The amount of money the $200 I once had in my Max Saver account accrued in the 3 years it was sitting there. Good thing I saved it, huh?

$100. The amount of money that magically appeared in my bank account the other day, with no trace in my statement. Too bad I already spent it on food, some pajamas, and a movie (which I probably shouldn't have gone to). I hope they don't want to take it back in a few days.

How the Hell am I supposed to be able to save for a car or education, or even a decent computer if 5/3 Bank keeps stealing all my money? It doesn't help that I live in a state where all the governor sends all our jobs overseas, forcing skilled auto workers to take the shitty jobs, and unskilled and unexperienced workers to be remain unemployed for years. Even if I had a car, gas prices are so artificially inflated that I couldn't afford to commute everyday.

Now I'm at the limit on both of my credit cards, my credit score is going down, and I have to get a student loan and financing on a car. I won't be eligible for a decent rate so I'll get something like 26.5% and end up paying about $8,000 extra that I won't have. It's no wonder so many people default on their loans and the banks are losing so much money.

And now Nelnet sent me an email telling me that my address and phone number aren't up to date and it's imperative that I change them so that I can continue making payments, even though I paid it off 2 months ago. If they fuck me now I'm not going to pay them another penny. They lent me money, I repaid it, I paid the interest, they made their money. End of story.

What the fuck are we all supposed to do?

it's All About the Games

2008-09-16T18:08:00.005-04:00

I've revised the list of companies I'd like to work for. Here are my tops picks (in no particular order):

Insomniac Games, the developers of the Ratchet & Clank series. The reason I like Insomniac is that their games generally have strong storylines with well fleshed out characters. I've always been a fan of platformers and sometimes it's fun to forget about realistic graphics and just play. The benefits are good; 100% employer paid medical/dental/vision insurance, paid vacation, post production vacations, health insurance plans, and some really nice facilities. The catch is that the only office that's hiring much right now is in North Carolina, not my state of choice.

Rockstar games, the developers of Grand Theft Auto, among many other great games. It would be nice to get a chance to work on the next few GTA games. They have positions in many areas I'd be interested, but I'm having trouble deciding on one. The office I'd like to work at (San Diego) is a 3 hour drive from where Jason wants to go (Los Angeles), and there's also an office in NYC, in case Jason decides to go there instead.

Valve Software, creators of Half-Life and it's many branches. Unfortunately, also the creators of the Steam content delivery system. Valve has really been pushing graphics and physics forward for years with their Goldsource and Source engines. Their games are also heavily based in real science, which makes them unusually interesting. Unfortunatly, their head office is in Bellevue, WA.

Square Enix, who has produced innumerable RPGs, including Final Fantasy VII (along with the lesser Final Fantasy games). I really like RPGs and it might be fun to work on them, especially in the sci-fi genre. The US office is in El Segundo, part of Los Angeles. There really isn't much information available on Square's career page, but since the main office is in Tokyo, I'm going to assume bilingualism is a preferred skill, and I' not taking up Japanese any time soon.

I'm still left to decide which specific aspect of game design I want to go into. Right now I'm leaving it at the two main branches that interest me: programming and design.

While Perched Upon a Ladder, Cleaning Tanks

2008-09-04T10:09:00.003-04:00

I planned exactly what I'm going to do for the next five months:

Starting now I'm going to start paying down my credit card debt. The more I can pay off before December, the better off I'll be. I also want to put as much in my savings account as I can. That means I'm really going to have to start watching what I spend and maybe get a little money somewhere on the side.

In December I'll apply for two loans: a vehicle finance loan to buy a used car from craigslist and a student loan so i can go back to school in January. I'll get a big enough vehicle loan from Fifth Third so I can get a $3500-$4500 car and pay a few months of insurance. My student loan is going to be a little different. Being a computer guy and not having a completely functional laptop poses a little bit of a problem. I could get a great PC laptop for $1500, but I'm not. I want to get a Macbook Pro because it's chic (Hypocritical, I know). It's all part of the new image I want to create for myself, but I'll talk about that another time.

January I'll start going back to school at Macomb Community College. Since I'll probably have to take basic classes for my first semester I can continue figuring out what I want my major to be. I'm going into the IT field one way or another, but I don't know specifically what I want to do yet. I want to get involved in a lot of extra curricular stuff too, but I'll figure that out when the time comes.

February is the month our lease expires, so I'll move back into my parents house. It's not the best arrangement and it'll be a pain to drive 22 miles to work and 30 to school, but I'll be able to save a lot of money not paying as much rent and utilities. That will allow me to finish paying off my credit cards, start paying insurance with actual money, save a lot more money, and hopefully make some hefty payments toward my vehicle loan.

At that point I'll try to narrow down the list of jobs I'd like to get at various companies. Rockstar, Revision3, GRC, Square Enix, and Capcom are definitely among them, but that's a new post entirely.

A Game You Can't Win

2008-08-20T23:25:00.003-04:00

Recently I've been playing a nice browser based MMO called Travian. In the game you start out with a randomly located village. You upgrade your resource fields, construct buildings and infrastructure, create armies, band together in alliances, and so on. It's quite fun, albeit a little slow paced at times.

There's this guy in my 7X7 grid who's been raiding my village every day to get resources. At first I panicked, but then I came up with a plan and started slowly rebuilding my defensive buildings. I had founded another village a few weeks before, which I then converted into a nice little military base. I trained about 570 troops there, and about 400 in my main village, shipping them there. When I had an army, I sent all the troops to defend the main village. They held up for about 6 hours.

He sent a few of his normal attacks, consisting of 300 or so troops that I could easily wipe out. Someone from my alliance sent me some reinforcements to make the army extra strong and I thought I was all set. I replaced the few troops he managed to take out and went to work. When I got home all of my troops were dead, my wall had been destroyed, and the guy stole about 20,000 of my resources. All the strategy and effort I put into making sure my village didn't remain a farm was for nothing.

It's kind of a parallel of my life.

Two months ago, I though I was in a really good financial situation so I completely paid off my student loan and made large payments on my credit cards. Immediately, my hours at work got cut by 30%. This month I got a 50 cent raise, which I certainly wasn't expecting. Even though it's not a huge raise it does make a significant difference and I thought I could take advantage of that to quickly pay the remaining balance on my credit cards. But life happens.

I thought going to Baker college would help me get a great (paying) job within a few years. I put an enormous amount of effort into everything I did there and quickly won the recognition of my instructors, but then I ran out of money and dropped out (not really in that order). In reality, it put me in a hole that I just now, four years later, got out of. I thought moving to Chesterfield would give me a chance to save some money to go back to college. I put enormous amounts of effort into my work and trying to make living here as pleasant as possible for everyone, but I'm just digging myself into a new hole that will take another four years to climb out of.

Some days it just seems like no matter what I do and no matter how much effort I put into everything I do, the world just keeps pounding on me and nothing changes. Nothing gets better. Things only stay the same or get worse. Maybe I'm making all the wrong choices. Or maybe I'm making the right choices, but taking the wrong actions. Either way I'm doing something wrong. All I know is that there's no point playing a game you can't win unless you have fun doing so.

A Partly Interesting Day After an Entirely Boring Week

2008-08-13T21:33:00.003-04:00

I discovered how to tell the sex of parakeets.

Teenage girls made me give them a high five while stuck in traffic.

I discussed goldfish with a mysterious, beautiful, German woman.

I used Tabasco sauce as a salad dressing.

A hermit crab pinched me and refused to let go.

I created a virus that destroyed all life on Earth.

I watched two brothers discuss The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

How I Feel

2008-08-04T19:10:00.003-04:00

Shit, Nothing Makes Sense

2008-07-29T22:12:00.002-04:00

Some days I wake up with an overwhelming sense that my life has absolutely no meaning.

All the extra effort I put in at my dead end job is completely unappreciated. I work my ass off cleaning every surface in my department when I'm scheduled to do nothing for 6 hours and they cup my hours by 30% this week. I'm already using the majority of my money to repay old debts, but now I have to scrimp and save and still create new debts just to pay rent.

Even though I have a few talents and abilities, I don't really enjoy any of them. I'm good with computers. Point me in the direction of a broken computer and I can usually fix it in a matter of minutes, if I'm forced to. The truth is I really hate doing technical work. That rules out an entire field of careers I'd be terrific at and leaves me with no alternative options.

Most of my extended family hates me for one reason or another and even my parents don't really accept me for who I am. I'm never going to have any kind of family of my own. That's pretty depressing. My friends treat me as part of their family and include me in their family stuff, and even though I really appreciate it, it's just not the same. Sometimes I just feel like an intruder, even in our apartment.

On top of all that, I ultimately feel trapped. I'm not the person I want to be and even though I could easily become that person, I'm scared to do so. I've seen how terrified of change people can be, especially those close to me. People are fickle and I don't want to alienate my friends and Jason, especially when they're all I have. On the other hand, I want to grow as a person requires change, but who am I to say if any particular change is good or bad?

To Do List

2008-07-18T19:44:00.002-04:00

I will eat healthier.

I will spend wisely.

I will exercise more.

I will be more organized.

I will start writing and stop procrastinating.

I will finish the things I start.

I will repay my debts.

I will stop hiding who I am for the benefit of others.

I will spend less time on Youtube and more time outside.

I will start acting my age.

I will stop moping so much.

I will stop being so self conscious.

I will start doing more with my life.

I will start trusting people.

I will cut caffeine out of my diet.

I will start living in the real world.

I will sleep better hours.

I will start being myself.

What the Fuck Have You Done Lately?

2008-07-10T22:16:00.005-04:00

It seems like the more things I try to do the less I actually accomplish. I got home around three hours ago and decided that I was going to do something constructive. I put down the controller and sat down at my computer, guitar in hand. I wanted to learn to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC, but got bored after only a few minuter. I tried to work on one of the many scripts I've started, but have no direction for any of them. The only thing I managed to do was find my favorite songs from my music collection and dump them in Winamp. And I might just have the patience to finish this post.

I went to the Pickerel Tournament (a local carnival) on the 4th of July. I was pretty excited walking there from Jason's house because it had been a few years since I went to a carnival just to have fun, but my excitement was quickly drowned by the lameness I encountered. There weren't any rides worth buying tickets for. The best one would be the 1/60 scale version of the Power Tower that only worked in drop mode (opposed to launch mode). The Elephant Ears were $5.50 and greasy, the lemonade was $3 for a small and full of ice, the band royally sucked, I kept tripping over poorly placed cords, the show monkey wasn't really doing very much, the other people were assholes, and I didn't get to watch the fireworks because they were the next day and I had to work. All in all, it was a complete flop. I did, however get my hands on 10 boxes of snappers for $3. That was good.

It's amazing how much money the carnival must rake in. There was as stand where you could throw rings around old fashioned bottles to win goldfish. It cost $3 to play, and assuming you have a 33.3% chance of winning (which I think is a fair assessment assuming you must get all 3 rings around a bottle), in a best case scenario the carnival could make $9. That's a 750% return, considering a comet goldfish costs 12 cents. If they unloaded all 150 of their fish, that's $1272 a day, after paying the attendant. Add in the severely overpriced sundries, the various games, and tickets and you've got yourself quite a racket going.

The Umbrella Does Nothing

2008-07-02T22:51:00.004-04:00

We're had a wicked storm this evening. The lightning is so bright I could see clearly for a mile and the thunder was so loud I could hear it over the hum of the various heating and cooling machines at work. It wasn't so wicked on the way home, though. It was raining so hard it felt like little bullets falling from the sky and puncturing my skin. Even though I was carrying an umbrella, I still got completely drenched, even before I slipped down from the shoulderless road into a sewage ditch.

Funny story, actually. They've been doing construction on my road for about a month and a half now, so all the traffic is jammed into two lanes on the close side of the road. There was no room for a shoulder, so they just got rid of it. Seeing as there's no sidewalk for most of my journey either, and the opposite side of the road is mangled beyond recognition, I'm forced to walk on a little hill between the road and a nice little ditch. Normally it's no big deal, but tonight it was pretty slippery and cars kept splashing me and I lost my footing and tumbled down. My groceries survived. My $3.54 Mocha didn't.

There was a group of people walking a little ways behind me. When I took my fall the girl had a nice, hardy laugh and they continued walking. I gathered my belongings and continued walking. When I got home, I met the group of people again. It turns out they either live or frequently visit the apartment downstairs and across the hall. I immediately let our guard dog out, hoping she'd at least maim one of them, but she only ran down the stairs, took a step in the rain, and ran back into the apartment. Now she'd just staring at me and moaning, waiting for me to make the rain stop.

Ah, my groceries. Two of my favorite things, especially together. Hazelnut coffee and the original Oreos. Whenever I go into a store in my Petsmart shirt, people always think I'm an employee and ask me questions, despite my shirt being the color of the sky and most places' shirts being the color of fire. Apparently it's the nametag. One lady wanted to know what to do when an item doesn't show up on the U-scan as being on sale, when it's clearly marked as such. A guy wanted to know where the flag holders were. A little old lady needed help getting a box of pasta from an upper shelf. Another lady wanted to know the difference between two espresso drinks. I took my nametag off at that point.

Since Meijer was having a sale, I picked up 2 packs of Oreos and 4 cans of coffee. I had to hold the bottom can of coffee and rest my chin on the top can because the Oreos took all the attention of my other hand. I must have been a sight because the greeter asked me twice if I needed a cart. I would have taken it had I not already been almost to the checkout. I passed the lady who was having trouble with the U-scan (who had also suggested I take off my nametag), who I don't think had been helped yet. I checked out and left. I really do prefer using the U-Scan because it's generally faster than having a trained cashier scan your items, people don't use them much so there's almost always a free one open, and after smiling at people all day sometimes I want to deal with a machine.

And I just used my Liberty City Team Deathmatch time (formerly my Building a kickass downtown area for my Sims time, but there was a horrible accident involving Service pack 3 and an ancient USB driver from a company that apparently no longer makes USB chipsets) blogging and doing laundry. Awesome.

The Enzo is Mine

2008-06-29T20:29:00.002-04:00

The neighbors woke me up at 3:45 having some sort of a party down stairs. Those assholes randomly started playing crappy music so I couldn't get back to sleep before my alarm went off at 4:45. On my way to work some guy thought I was drunk, wandering the street and asked if I was okay. It figures that the only time I pass someone on the way to work I look like a bum and decided to wear my Every Avenue shirt over my work shirt. Then, when I got over the I-94 overpass I suddenly realized it's Sunday and the store opens an hour later, so my shift starts an hour later. Nice.

I don't work again until Wednesday afternoon, which means I have 3 entire days off, if you include today, which I completely squandered. I don't plan to do much; just catch up on some gaming I haven't been able to do in a while. I installed all my favorite PC games today, including The Sims 23 and all it's expansions (which generally takes between 3 and 6 hours to accomplish), so I plan on building a lot in the next few days. I also played enough Test Drive Unlimited to buy an Enzo Ferrari and get enough achievement points to advance to the next career level, opening up more missions.

That's all I did today. I went to see Wall-E the other day. Good movie. It was well animated and has a really great story, but apparently a lot of people are bitching about the political message being shoved down their throat. First, it wasn't really that bad. Second, sometimes politics needs to be shoved down peoples' throats so they'll pay attention. Now I'm off to build. Or race. Or both. I haven't decided.

Tonight We Dine on Pizza Rolls

2008-06-23T11:33:00.002-04:00

I had to go to a meeting about safety at work last time. It was the biggest waste of time imaginable. Not only did I not get any free Skittles like last time, the only thing I learned was that now I have to wear a silly gown and protective goggles when I clean cages and tanks. Awesome.

I was severely depressed last week, so I didn't blog. Sorry about that. This week doesn't look like it's going to be much better. I close tonight, getting off at 10, and open tomorrow morning, having to get there at 6. When you factor in the half hour it takes me to walk each way, the half hour early I have to get up to get a cup of coffee, and the half hour (or more) it will take me to fall asleep, that only leaves me 6 hours for sleep. But I only work 4 hours tomorrow, so I think I'll be okay.

Wednesday I have to clean the apartment and my room because I kind of put it off while I was depressed. Thursday my mom is going to Target, so she's going to drag me to Marine City to fix stuff and clean her house. I work the entire weekend, and I don't have the money to do anything fun.

I did beat GTAIV, though. I didn't complete all the side missions, get 100%, or unlock all the achievements, so at least I'll have something to do. I'm also trying to get all the achievements in Test Drive Unlimited. After that I have 3 new PS2 games I can play, so I won't get bored for a while. I'm also in the process of installing Windows XP the desktop Jason is letting me use, but it's not coming along so well. I can't upgrade directly from 2000 Pro to XP home because of some retarded licensing, so I have to install 95, then 98, then change the size of my partition using Linux (because I need a 40 gig partition, but the most Windows 95 can see is 2 gigs), upgrade to XP, set up the OS the way I like it, ghost the partition so I won't have to go through all the trouble in the future, and install all my applications. Then I'll be able to play The Sims 2 and Sim City 4 (along with a number of other games) at my leisure.

Don't Let Me Get Me

2008-06-14T18:42:00.003-04:00

I put so much work into everything I do, but it seems like I never get a single thing back. I work really hard at my job. I do all my work on time, usually end up doing other stuff that hasn't been done in a year, and take on more hours whenever someone needs me to. But it doesn't matter how hard I work or how many hours I have because no matter how big my check is at the end of the week I'm always paying for things I bought last month. I can't just stop buying the things I need, either (though I could stop buying all the things I want and can justify spending the money on).

I feel like a failure because I can't afford all the things I need. Not small stuff like deodorant or sunscreen, but big stuff. A car, a desk (I broke down and bought one), a computer, etc. The only way I ever have anything is if someone (usually Jason) gives it to me or lets me borrow it. Now that I look around, I realized I bought literally 3 things in my room (2 of them being $10 books).

I try to be creative and just sit down and write every day, but after coming home from work, trying to please everyone, not getting nearly enough sleep, worrying all the time, and always trying to be someone else, I'm completely burned out. I can barely write a blog post once a week, let alone anything requiring any effort. I guess I'm just kind of sick of seeing all my dreams fail, one at a time. Maybe I set my goals too high or don't work hard enough or something?

I Have Nothing to Say this Week

2008-06-08T21:19:00.003-04:00

A few random things you should all be aware of:

I tend to buy things I want instead of things I need. Whole bean coffee instead of sunscreen. A few books instead of a desk. Video games instead of food. Stuff like that.

There's nothing I like to eat more than ice cream, but a medium sized serving makes me feel like I'm going to die. Still, it's totally worth it.

I have one of the easiest jobs possible, although it involves a lot of physical work (i.e. exercise). Also, I usually work a shift where I encounter virtually no customers, even on Saturdays.

When I go for a week or more without blogging, it's not because I have nothing to say. I don't post when I'm depressed because people either complain or get depressed themselves.

I often get muscle cramps for no apparent reason. It's really annoying and happens without warning at the most inopportune times. I think I have some sort of mineral deficiency.

That's all I really had to say. I know I don't post enough. I also know this is a shitty post and doesn't really count.

2008-05-29T14:28:00.002-04:00

The new girl closed last night. As a result I had to do most of her work this morning because people were so busy showing her how to do stuff they left the department a mess. I had to do all the dishes before I fed any of the animals, in addition to doing them after I pull the last of the veggie dishes. It took forever to clean up the mess in the bird habitat, the back room was disorganized, and the turtle still had his lettuce from yesterday morning. It was kind of shitty, but at least it gave me something to do.

I decided that instead of buying a rat (that no one would have been particularly happy with) with my 30% off coupon at work I'm going to pick up a vacuum cleaner. After that I'm going to try to get a new LCD panel for my laptop because the steel snapped a while back and I've been just dealing with it since then, hoping I'd be able to get a new computer soon. I'll probably need a new pair of khakis too, but I'm going to need to draw some cash from the bank the next time I eventually go for that. I'm tired of writing Nelnet a check every month too, so I'm just going to pay it off next month. I know it's just transferring debt, but the funny thing is that both of my credit cards have a lower interest rate than my loan.

I've been thinking of starting up Rich Magazine again, but I don't know where to start. Also, I know once I do start there will be a point when I get bored and just quit.

That's all.

Fuck Generic Carbon Based Life Units

2008-05-21T11:20:00.002-04:00

I've been watching a lot of videos on Youtube about California's decision to overturn the ban on gay marriage. I don't watch so much for the video, but mostly to read the idiotic comments. Here are a few of the things I ran into (paraphrased to make them coherent sentences):

"You're ignorant if you think having freedom means having freedom to do what you want." Even after I added "as long as it doesn't infringe on others' rights," the guy insisted I was the ignorant one. So what is freedom? Freedom to do what God wants...in this nontheistic country (at least until George W. bought his way into office)? Doesn't that equate to what the guy wants, since so many people seem to think God is talking directly to them or through them or something? We argued in circles about that one.

"I don't care if you're gay, just leave the country." First, why should I leave the country opposed to you? Second, what's so great about the country anyway? Sure, land and gas is cheap (relative to the rest of the world's countries) and we have so called freedom, but this isn't the only free country. Canada, Spain, England, Scotland, Mexico, Italy, Ireland, Sweden, Australia, and many other countries give their citizens similar rights as America does. I could go up north and get free health care, down south for better food and longer days, or across the ocean for a number of different benefits and still have no fewer rights and freedoms than I currently do.

"It's great that gay people can't give blood, but it's a shame they can receive it." I always found that one interesting because I've given examples of HIV can spread through a population of straight people, and get into the blood banks unnoticed and no one would say a thing. Actually, this is similar to the "die" argument, which is popular in almost all debates. If I listed all the people I thought deserved to die, not only would I be exhausted, but I'd bore everyone to death, and unfortunately none of the people on the list would likely be reading it.

Our district manager came for another little visit today, which meant we had to do all our work and then some before he got there. Of course, I was opening my department alone (Jon was there, he was just doing manager stuff). On top of that we clean reptile cages on Wednesday. That meant I had to cram 7 manhours of work into just over 3.5 hours. If that isn't a challenge, I don't know what is.

In case no one noticed, I've been blogging a lot more in the last few days because I've been feeling better. I stopped taking Welbutrin and started taking vitamin C and these horrible yogurt shots my mom bought me. I've also been eating less fast and frozen food more regularly. Still not getting much sleep, but that only bothers me for the first few hours I'm awake.

Fuck Goldfish

2008-05-20T17:11:00.004-04:00

As soon as I walked into work, someone proceeded to buy $67 worth of goldfish. I don't know how much you know about goldfish, but our mos expensive one is $4. Not only is that a lot of fish, but they chose in waves. First she wanted 3 fish, then 5, then the lady with her wanted 4, then they got 6 more for the one lady's daughter. So I have 14 bags of fish sitting in front of me when Jonathan starts hovering around me, which makes me extremely nervous. Before I knew it I lost my composure and couldn't remember what the last two fish I bagged were. The problem was that I vividly remembered pulling a fish from tank 10, but none of the tanks in front of me said 10. I only sorted it out after Jonathan left.

Before he left he gave me a nice little middle schoolish test to complete. The kind where each question answers the question before it. Such as "Why do you give a basket to people carrying more than 2 fish," following "What do you offer to someone for whom you just bagged 4 fish?" I didn't know what the fuck sodium thiosulfate is, but I think it's the aquarium salt we dump in every morning, which lead to another question about what aquarium salt does. Then there were two almost identical questions about what paper we write the results of a customer's water test on, which I didn't even know we were supposed to do, so I think it's safe to say I got those 4 completely wrong.

I've been meaning to blog more. I have like 4 blogs, but I never really do anything with them. I've been thinking of making another one, but I don't really keep up with the ones I have and I don't think a standard blog would really suite the needs of my ambitious ideas. I want to do so many things, but I never really feel like putting any effort into any of it.

Mmm, Yogurt

2008-05-17T16:51:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling really down lately. The details and cause aren't really that important and they'd just get muddled between the way I write them and the way you read them, so I'm just going to leave it at that.

Five good things that happened to me today: I discovered we still have a copy of Assassin's Creed and Bully in the apartment, I went to Save-a-Lot and picked up enough food to feasibly last a month for just $48, I found the hot pepper rings I forgot I had in the fridge, I deposited enough in the bank to pay my student loan and the cable bill (but not my credit card bills), and I remembered to recharge my batteries before I needed them.

I got off this morning at 10, got a haircut and was home by noon. I don't have to work again until 1PM Tuesday, so it's almost like having a 3 day weekend.

That's all I have today. I'll try again tomorrow, but no promises.

Don't get me Started about Saturdays

2008-05-10T16:30:00.003-04:00

With my 10 cent raise I make about $10 a week. If Jason would eat Ramen, I could feed us both on $2 a week. But of course, no one around me actually eats cheap foods. I made some Sweet and Sour chicken last night, which turned out pretty good. It cost about $8, which isn't bad considering I bought all the stuff needed to make Tuesday's meal (vegetarian stir-fry).

I got Vice City Stories and Ratchet & Clank in recently. I played about 12 hours of Ratchet & Clank, but I only played Vice City Stories for a few minutes because I wanted to wait for a time I can concentrate on the story a little better. I don't have any more games coming in right now because none of the games I'm offering are popular, so no one wants them. But I guess I have all I can play right now.

I bought a book called How to Make an Action Movie for $99 recently. The more I read the more I want to get back into filmmaking (not that I did anything to earn me the title in the first place), but the more apprehension I have about it. I don't want to get to the point where I finally realize I'm bad at it and shouldn't have wasted so much money and time. I still don't know what to do about that one.

I still haven't gotten anything for my mom for Mother's Day yet. Seeing as she'll be the first person (other than my coworkers) I'll see tomorrow, I have to get her something tonight. I saw a flower at Home Depot that she might like, but I don't know if that's what I want to get her. I can't think of anything else she'd like and/or be satisfied with. I still need to get her a card, too. I'll do all that as soon as I can, but right now I'm going to have some dinner.

3 Years and Counting

2008-05-06T17:58:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Jason and my third anniversary. I wanted to make it really special, so I did three things. First I took him to Louis' Chophouse on Gratiot just off 23. He got some sort of bright red steak and I got a nice piece of salmon and some rice. We also got a side of coconut shrimp, but I didn't like it at all. The second thing was getting Jason a digital photo frame and putting some pictures of us together (among others) on it. The last thing I did was make some tiramisu and buy a bottle of sweet wine.

The tiramisu didn't turn out well. First, I used too big of a casserole dish, so I ran out of cream cheese half way through. I couldn't find ladyfingers or spongecake, so I ended up getting angel food cake, which didn't absorb the coffee at all, making the bottom layer soggy and the top layer dry. Then I put way too much cocoa powder on it so I had to scrape a bunch off. I didn't really like the wine so much, but Jason did, so it's okay.

I also got some flowers for Steph's birthday. I never bought anything in the garden department before, so it was an interesting experience. I ended up getting two small rectangular planters for the corners of the balcony, a lot of flowers I can't identify and some petunias or something.

That's all I've really been doing since I last blogged. Have a nice day/week/month, everyone.

I Wish I Was Too Dead to Care

2008-04-28T18:47:00.003-04:00

Meijer fucked me this month. First they didn't send me a credit card bill, then they failed to notify me that I was late (which they claim to), their website only works half the time, I can only pay with an online check through some chintzy looking service that takes 3 days, and to top that all off I have to pay 21% interest on $200. That really fucking brightened my day. Once the check goes through I'm canceling the card, which means I won't be able to buy anything for a month since I started using the card before I started making money, shifting my outgoing money by a month. Nice.

I went to my grandpa's wedding yesterday, which was nice. I don't want to get into details, but weddings depress me and my mom always acts up when her family is around. I even got someone to cover my shift on Sunday (which would have given me 25 hours, and I really need the money) because my mom wanted me to go to her house on Saturday. Then she mad me run all her stupid errands and drive everywhere. By the end of the 2 days I just wanted to sleep for a few weeks. But Jason came over and I started feeling significantly better.

That's all that's been going on in my life. I haven't done anything interesting. I haven't done anything worth noting. I haven't gone out and had a life. I did get Test Drive Unlimited and put in to trade a few other games, though. I guess that's good.

Also, I'm sorry I don't get excited about things anymore. I wish I could.

And I Don't Know Why

2008-04-11T15:29:00.001-04:00

I seriously have nothing to blog about. I haven't really done much in the last few weeks. I've been depressed on and off a lot recently, but that's really nothing new.

I've been playing a lot of Test Drive: Unlimited, which is a lot of fun. I've been having fun just collecting cars. I picked up a Lamborghini Mercielago (which cost $42,000 to repaint a decent color), a Lotus Elise, a Ford Mustang convertable, a Ferrari Barchetta, a new model Viper (I like the 90's era model better) a nice Corvette Z06 (coupe), a classic Comaro, and a Classic Stingray. That's all I've actually accomplished since I last blogged. I've been playing an online game called Travian too. It's pretty cool and I'm getting the hang of it now.

I haven't written anything for Script Frenzy, and I probably won't. I just can't seem to pull myself to do it and I don't know why.

That's it. That's all I have to say.

A Post That's Not Depressing, but Not Really Interesting

2008-04-01T00:09:00.004-04:00

I recently started using a service called Goozex to trade games online. The thing that sets it apart from other trading sites is that you don't have to trade one on one. That means you don't have to find someone who's willing to give you what you want for what you have. On Goozex you trade a game to someone for points that can be used to trade for any game from any user. I've already sent out Chrono Cross and Timesplitters (neither of which I really liked), and once the other users get their games and give me feedback I'll have enough points to get the first two games I want to request: Metal Gear Solid 3 and Ratchet and Clank.

I also want to get DDR Extreme (with the originally enclosed dance pad so people can play with me), Frequency, a new copy of FFVIII, Rez, GTA:London 1969 and Vice City Stories, the new Stuntman game, and Resident Evil Outbreak File #2. That's fewer than half of the games I'm offering, almost all of which are requested. After that I haven't decided yet. I want to get some fun group games.

April is the month of Script Frenzy, a screenwriting competition that I planned on participating in, but now that it's time, I just don't have anything to write about. I wanted to do a film adaptation of Catcher ion the Rye and I've been meaning to reread the book, but I didn't get around to it. I don't really have any ideas for new stories either. Bleh.

Some Days I Feel Like Jumping off the Overpass Onto I-94

2008-03-25T17:06:00.003-04:00

This is one of those days.

I think I might to better on mood stabilizers (used to treat some types of bipolar disorder) than antidepressants. I don't know if the pills stopped working because I went off them for 3 days, I got used to them, or I stopped having faith that they would magically work. I'm not even sure if they stopped working at all. I might just be having an off day or two.

Or maybe I could just use some good therapy. I'm willing to try it now, but of course, now I don't know if there's a local mental health clinic with a sliding scale. I want to avoid talking to people I'm close to because it's just awkward. I find it hard to express my feelings to people that know me because I try hard not to offend anyone or step on anyone's toes. I know sometimes it doesn't work, but I do try.

Some days I wake up seriously doubting my worth as a human being to the point where I feel like jumping off the overpass onto I-94. I can't help it. There's no reason or warning. I just do. On days like this it really doesn't help to be reminded how much of a douchebag I am because I already know. Some days all I can think about is how bad of a person I am and how little I'm actually worth. Thanks, but I don't need constant reminders.

On other days I don't really care. I have a sense of humor and can take a joke. You may have seen the image on my myspace. It makes me laugh, most of the time. The same goes for gay jokes. Most of the time they make me laugh, but on off days they really get to me. After a while, on a bad day they'll start to add up and I'll start feeling worse about myself. I try not to say anything because I don't want people to feel like they can't talk to me. A few days later I'll feel better and it won't bother me.

I don't let people know when I feel like shit. Everyone thinks they can tell, but you'd be surprised how good of a front I can put up. I probably should just show how I feel though, because when I already feel bad and people keep picking at the few things I let bother me I tend to lash out at people, whether or not they did anything to me. I know I'm a monster. I'm sorry.

Community Driven Programs

2008-03-21T15:35:00.003-04:00

I had to call in sick yesterday because I had the flu/severe cold + food poisoning. I was really looking forward to getting some extra money from the extra hours I worked this week, but even without working yesterday I got a few extra hours, so it's okay. Next week I work Sunday, which I'm really not looking forward to, we don't come in until 7, so it's okay.

I went to Starbucks after work for a Venti Chai Latte and ended up spending $15. In the few minutes it took me to order the drink, the kind folks at DARE set up a little booth outside Target (where Starbbucks is located). I don't want to be one of those people who walk by a charity carrying a $5 cup of coffee and not donate anything, so I ended up buying a shirt that I'm never going to wear. But I feel better about buying the drink.

I got a ride home from some random lady who waved me over from across 23. Apparently I look just like her son, take the same route, and have the same jacket. At first I thought it was Steph's aunt because they drive the same van, but once I was all the way across the street I realized I had no idea who it was. Then she was like "Do you want a ride anyway?" I accepted. Now everyone is like "You took a ride from a stranger!?" It's really weird.

That's all I had to say today. Nothing terribly interesting.

Week 11 Recap

2008-03-12T21:07:00.003-04:00

A quick runthrough of my week so far:

Roommates went on vacation, took dog with them.
Started using Twitter again, blogged about it.
Watched a Saw marathon, ended up ordering Saw IV On Demand.
Walked a mile to work in a blizzard, then home again.
Watched Rent, I liked it.
Jason came over, played racquetball and went swimming.
Bought frozen fish and bread on sale, cooked immediately.
Jason and I vlogged, watching it now.
Watched Short Circuit, still enjoy it.
Got Chai Tea at Starbucks in Target, tasted like pumpkin.
Took pictures of Jason and me, turned out decent.
Watched A Walk to Remember, it was decent.
Alarm clock broke, my watch woke me 10 minutes later.
Bought candles at different dollar store, they smell nice.
Cashed check and payed cable bill.
Got new debit card pin, it finally worked.
Decided to move money from savings account to CD.
Did laundry at my mom's house, came home super late.
Made the first blog post this week, nothing special.

My New Widget

2008-03-06T19:16:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged since Saturday because I haven't had anything interesting to say. I finally got the hang of bagging fish at work. I'm still not used to going to bed at 10 to get up at 4:30 after staying up so late for so many years. It completely throws off my day. Jason came over yesterday and I had a lot of fun hanging out around the house with him. That's about all I did this week (as far as I remember).

Since I don't write blog posts when I don't have a whole lot to say, I added a Twitter badge to my sidebar in case anyone is interested in little updates throughout the day. I'll try hard to remember to keep it up. If you want to see more you can go to my Twitter profile. If you want SMS or IM updates, or want to start using Twitter yourself, go to twitter.com and create an account. It's kind of fun.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

2008-03-01T12:13:00.002-05:00

This was the first time I worked Saturday since I started. This is also the first time in a while I worked with new people, which was really awkward because Mary didn't even talk to me this morning and I didn't really get a chance to meet any of the people in other departments. Christina did introduce herself right before the morning huddle, which was nice.

They haven't really been giving me much to do at work recently. I've been getting my work done with 2 hours left and nothing to do. Today all I had to do was clean the guinea pig cage (apparently this is done twice a week) and feed the small animals, birds, and reptiles. That took almost exactly 2 hours. I ended up helping Mary put the new pets on the floor, which I'd never done before but is really easy. Then I did dishes for a while. Then I pulled veggie dishes and did more dishes. Fun stuff.

I'm sick of trying to be someone different for everyone I'm around. I don't want to do it anymore, but don't know if I have much of a choice. I can't just say "Just kidding everyone, this is who I really am," and stop pretending. I really don't know what do to. That's it.

I Hate My Blog

2008-02-28T21:36:00.002-05:00

I never realized what a boring life I have until I promised to start blogging more regularly. I'm lucky if something noteworthy happens once a week, let alone every day. I spend most of my time sitting around the house doing nothing until I have to go to bed early to go to work early to get home early to do nothing all day. It's really annoying. That's all I have to say. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say.