Yes, I Realize You're Tired of Hearing Me Bitch

I still don't feel any better. Jason has been really supportive and so have some of my friends, but it's not really helping much. Jason and have been playing this great MMORPG called Conquerer, and it's really taken my mind off things, but it's only temporary. I'm so incredibly tired right now, but I just can't sleep because there's sop much going on inside my head.

I went to a meeting for the movie that a friend is filming. I felt really out of place because everyone else was either going to film school, graduated from Specs Howard, been doing it for years, or at least knew what they were doing. I don't fall into any of those categories. Then when I was introducing myself I got done and the director said (although I'm pretty sure it was to be funny) "And he's our PA?" That really made me feel like an ass. I also don't know what they expect of me and what they want me to do. So, all in all it was a pretty lousy experience, but that's not much of a surprise considering my filmmaking track record.

I've also had one of my mom's friends pestering me over Yahoo Messenger. She'd ask me things like why I don't have a job and a car, if I have a girlfriend, if I have a lot of friends, and things of that nature. It was really annoying because I get enough of that from people who live here and I come into my room just to get away from it, and then I get assaulted online. I think my mom probably coaxed her into bugging me about a job, but I don;t know why she asked me if I have a lot of friends. I guess my mom could have told her I never leave the house, which is mostly true.

It's not my fault my only friends live out of state (I consider the UP out of state because you might as well live in Wisconsin, Julie). I can't help that I'd rather read stuff on the Internet all day and be somewhat social at a select handful of forums than go hang out at Mike's apartment and do nothing. I wish I had more of a life, but I don't. And that's that.

I also spread myself too thin. I'm trying to maintain this blog, Rich Magazine, and that Ubuntu blog I never even ended up starting as well as write a Draia fanfilm, an assload of dramas, a comedy or two, a couple science fiction flicks that I don't have a budget to film, and some skits to put up on youtube. And I've been trying to learn to play guitar for ages, I still haven't gotten HTML down, and I completely forgot about learning C++. But I got all the skill points in Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando. I play mostly when I'm depressed. I'm surprised I'm not playing right now.

I'm also worried that I have no talent, because I really don't. It takes me a year to write anything decent, and it just makes it's way to the round file anyway. I can't motivate people worth shit(I have an experience to prove it), so I'll be a lousy filmmaker. Despite what people think, I'm pretty lousy with computers and have little knowledge apart from tiny tidbits that I gathered in the 3 years I went to school for it. I'm intolerably shy, so I can't really work that well with people. The only thing I can really do is complain. Maybe I should go to school to be a politician.

If I could afford to go back to school. But then I'd have to choose a major and I don't think scapegoat is on the list. I was thinking of a better word, I just can't think of it because I'm terribly tired, but I can't sleep because there are so many things bugging me. None of my friends are online, and I already tried to call Jason. I just want someone to talk to, but this entire half of this stupid rock we inhabit is asleep. But here I am, wide awake and desperate for attention. You can tell I'm desperate because I just tried to IM Joe. And Justin, who I only know from the forum and I doubt really wants to hare about it, but he is really supportive at times. And everyone else who was supposedly online on myspace.

I guess I'll just have to go watch Bart and Homer for a while.

EDIT: And I think I just made Steph feel bad by talking to her about my problems when she has her own. Sorry.