What is Family?

There's a white trash family reunion coming up here in a few months. I don't really think I should go if the entire family talks about me behind my back like my mom claims. I don't feel comfortable there and I don't belong. I have nothing in common with any of those people, but still I'm expected to go. They're always awkward and I always worry that the family hates me, but now I know they do.

Did I mention my mom is the one planning it (read: insisting on having it)? She hates everyone in the family for one silly reason or another, but she still wants them to get together. I don't know if she's doing it just to make me uncomfortable or if she actually thinks it's a good idea for some reason. What I do know is that I don't want to have to be around those people, but I can't tell her that because we're all family and she claims that means something.

But it doesn't. If any one of them knew I was gay the entire family would be completely against me, not that they're really on my side now or anything. Even my mom turned on me when she found out, although she won't kick me out because it would make a bad impression on the family. I honestly wish she would just tell me to leave and not take it back because then at least I'd have something to complain about. All this time she claims she's a wonderful parent because I have a roof over my head, but what I really need is someone to tell me I'm not a (failure, monster, horrible person, pervert, waste of space).

On the plus side, I'm going to a bonfire/21st birthday party tonight! On another down side, there's going to be alcohol there and I'd like to have a few drinks (probably not too many) but I don't want Jason to get mad. I know he said it's okay and I know he's trying to help, but it makes me feel weird. Also, if my mom found out even though I'm 21 she'd be pissed off (not that that would actually stop me from doing it). That's kind of ironic because she just yelled at me for not doing "normal stuff" but when I do she yells at me.

I'm going to enjoy myself tonight though. I think I deserve it, although most people probably wouldn't agree with me. I've had a stressful month so far and I think getting out would be good for me.