I think it's about time I got mental help. Let's review the things that are wrong:
I have the hardest time concentrating on my training books. It's not just that I find it boring, because I don't. When I sit in the conference room I can hear all the animals and people on the sales floor and the lousy music they pipe throughout the store. When I'm walking through the aisles, trying to find products, I can't read on label and move on to the next without my mind wandering. I can barely sit down to write a blog post without getting distracted and taking an hour. Where I'm from we call that ADD.
I have the most horrendously rapid mood swings. I'll wake up in the morning either ecstatic or depressed and can't keep a constant mood throughout the day. I'll go from one extreme to the other with no warning and I don't know why. That could be bi-polar disorder, or it could just be me trying to convince myself I'm not depressed.
And I am depressed. Everyone assumed it would end when I moved out of my mom's house, but it hasn't. If anything, I'm more depressed than ever. I try to do things that make me happy; playing games, writing, creating, but nothing helps. I haven't been able to write anything in a while and the only thing I actually made was a new template for my blog. It doesn't help that I'm sensitive to other peoples' emotions and the people around me are almost always in a bad mood.
I'm terrified to be around people. Any time I have to do anything with someone other than my 3 best friends, I get extremely anxious and can barely function. If I were to go out with Mike and Joe I would be nervous. If I went to a small get together I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Now that I work at PetSmart my anxiety gets in the way of my work. I can't even ask my manager a question because I find him intimidating. He's my age and we have similar interests, but he likes to make conversation, and for some reason I can't do that very well. Social anxiety disorder?
I'm tired all the time, even when I get 8+ hours of sleep. There's nothing quite as annoying as waking up at 1 PM feeling more tired than when you went to sleep. This is probably nothing more than caffeine addiction, though.
I know a trip to the doctor could very well clear up all my issues. The problem is that I can't afford consultation and medication without insurance, and I can't afford insurance working part time. If I get insurance I'd be able to get help for my problems and I'd feel so much better, but I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. If I skip the insurance I'll be able to pay bills, but I'll be miserable until I get more hours, find free help, or get a better job. The same applies to car insurance. If I get a car I'll be happier getting up later (I need to get up at 4:30 to be to work at 6), but the cost of insurance is so high I won't be able to pay other bills.
There's one more thing that bothers me. As a blogger I'm incredibly vulnerable. Most of the time I don't know what I can and can't say without stepping on anyone's toes. That's probably why I've slowed way down on my blogging. I don't want to hurt anyone so I hold everything in. Is that bad?
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Rich, I'm so sorry that moving didn't help with your depression. I really wish it did. :( Know that I love you more than anything else in the world, though.
ReplyDeleteOh, and on a lighter note: Despite what you just said as I type this, I do not look like a funny little hermit, hunched over the keyboard.
You're a lot of things. Stressed is one of them.
ReplyDeleteI'd still recommend that you see a counselor, just because it's easier, but what you have is nothing a little self confidence couldn't fix.
I'm sorry that you are still struggling with depression. Many counseling office offer a sliding scale fee that would be based on your income.
ReplyDeleteRich,
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I know exactly what you are going through because every person is different, but I was really depressed last semester and I have been depressed in the past. It sucks, A LOT, I know that. The fact that you are willing to seek outside help is a big step though, I'm proud of you for that =) I don't know if this will help any, but we have a free mental health 'clinic' here at tech and I found this on their website:
https://www.mentalhealthscreening.org/screening/welcome.asp
I tried finding a 1-800 number that you could call, but the only one I found was for a sexual assault victims group... I hope you don't need that.
I hope that you begin to feel better, I worry about you. Until next time =)
Julie
Don't worry about me, everyone. I'm really fine. I just had a rough day or two. I'm better now. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link Julie, but it's asking me for a password.
it didn't do that when I first got the link...
ReplyDeletethis one might work:
https://www.mentalhealthscreening.org/screening/select_screening.asp
or you can type a keyword into the first one like 'depression' or 'bipolar'
Hey guess what. I hope your feeling better today. Just to make you remember. Heather right now is puking off the belcony... ewww
ReplyDeleteI came to the blog (like I do, ALL the time) and I said to myself "YES SOMEBODY ELSE COMMENTED"
ReplyDeleteIt really made my night=).... and the ring I got today too, I'll send a pic later
The pic is on facebook =)
ReplyDeleteCute ring. I am so happy for your happiness.
ReplyDeleteTell us the story.
Is this like Crumbs, where Jane Curtin married herself?
ReplyDeleteha ha, I didn't know you could marry yourself, that seems weirder than marrying a dead person.
ReplyDeleteThe ring is real. Byron gave it to me.
Have you been 'annexed?'
ReplyDeleteIs that a polite way of asking if she had her "territory" incorporated into an existing political "body"?
ReplyDeleteScandalous!
ReplyDeletelol
ReplyDeleteno, I have not been annexed. Not either of the rooms I had in HLH or my apartment. I will however, be the queen of Byronia... someday, and I'm about that! You may be a citzen =)
Yay! I can't wait!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
ReplyDeleteI don't know you at all, and I basically stumbled across this because I've applied to PetSmart and was looking for something that might give me a hint of what to expect.. but this post reminds me of myself very much.
ReplyDeleteYou should look up something called "Avoidant Personality Disorder" and see if it fits you.