Some days I wake up with an overwhelming sense that my life has absolutely no meaning.
All the extra effort I put in at my dead end job is completely unappreciated. I work my ass off cleaning every surface in my department when I'm scheduled to do nothing for 6 hours and they cup my hours by 30% this week. I'm already using the majority of my money to repay old debts, but now I have to scrimp and save and still create new debts just to pay rent.
Even though I have a few talents and abilities, I don't really enjoy any of them. I'm good with computers. Point me in the direction of a broken computer and I can usually fix it in a matter of minutes, if I'm forced to. The truth is I really hate doing technical work. That rules out an entire field of careers I'd be terrific at and leaves me with no alternative options.
Most of my extended family hates me for one reason or another and even my parents don't really accept me for who I am. I'm never going to have any kind of family of my own. That's pretty depressing. My friends treat me as part of their family and include me in their family stuff, and even though I really appreciate it, it's just not the same. Sometimes I just feel like an intruder, even in our apartment.
On top of all that, I ultimately feel trapped. I'm not the person I want to be and even though I could easily become that person, I'm scared to do so. I've seen how terrified of change people can be, especially those close to me. People are fickle and I don't want to alienate my friends and Jason, especially when they're all I have. On the other hand, I want to grow as a person requires change, but who am I to say if any particular change is good or bad?
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Moving in any direction will take you somewhere. Any change is enough, even if just to gain the momentum you need to circle back and go where you want to go.
ReplyDeleteI doubt very much that there is any change that will make Jason or anyone else stop loving you if they really, truly do.
And who says you'll never have family? Maybe Jason can be convinced some day to give some cute little orphan a chance.
What you need is a push to get you out of inertia. You better decide what will provide that push, before the universe chooses for you. The universe is a bully, you know.
Oh Rich,
ReplyDeleteYou have come so far from where you were in life a year ago. I am so proud of you.
Your job is just a starter job, no huge loss if you leave. But don't leave until you get another job.
Fortunately, it sounds like they are providing you with additional job hunting time.
Yeah, debt sucks! Have you applied for a bridge card. If your hours are being cut, you may be eligible. That would cover buying food, then you could use your cash to pay the rent and pay down your debt.
Oh Rich.
ReplyDeleteYou know what, even though all the extra effort is completely unappreciated, you still do it. And that says volumes about you as a person.
Talents do not need to correlate to enjoyment. And yes, while that rules out certain career paths, it does NOT leave you with "no options". I mean, I am fairly good at piano, and I hear I'm excellent at theater...... and I'm going to college to be in funeral services. It may end up being the same sort of situation for you; just don't force yourself into the "I'm never going to do anything" position.
As unfortunate as it is, we can not control what other people think or feel. If your extended family hates you as you say, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is be yourself: if they don't accept you, then they are undeserving of getting to know you. Contrary to popular belief, it's okay to say "fuck you" to certain families. And no, it's never "the same", but just because it's different does make it lesser.
And, despite what you may think, you ARE capable of making decisions and taking risks. Yeah, you're scared of them, but that's something you just need a little help with. Remember: you moved out. I can recall conversations we had before you moved out, and you were definitely scared of making that decision..... but you did. Sure, there may have been reasons for you making the decision you did..... but uh.... that's what most intelligent people do.... they make decisions based on at least SOME amount of reason. ^_^
You will NOT alienate your friends if you choose to do something. Remember the whole "you can't control other people" thing? Only THEY can alienate themselves. Like you, they have decisions to make, and if they choose to stop being your friend, that's no fault of yours, and no fault of theirs; it is a decision that has to be made, and that's it. And, from what I know of you and Jason, he would just suddenly dislike you for some reason.
Everything is not suddenly going to become clear, and there is going to be a LOT of stumbling in the dark, making choices based on limited knowledge. All you can do is be yourself, and rely on your friends and Jason to help you through the bad times.
Isn't it annoying that the wisdom we can impart on other people is never so easy to apply to ourselves?
ReplyDeleteCompletely...
ReplyDelete