FML

I haven't really felt like blogging in a long time, partly because I've been overall more depressed than normal and partly because the times I'm not depressed I'm usually doing work of some kind. Just today I cut down the steel pegs sticking up from the patio, fixed the workbench that's out there, mowed the lawn, and burned a bunch of the wood lying around from when the garage was torn down.

Jason and my four year anniversary was on the fifth. I bought him some coffee and he bought me some chocolate covered coffee beans and a mug. I guess we both like coffee that much. We then spent the day in Midland, which was really nice. We hit up the mall and had a nice dinner at a place called Shirlene's. It was a great day and I'm really glad I have Jason to share my life with.

I'm not so glad about sharing my life with my mom. She keeps trying to convince me that I'm not gay and asking intrusive questions. That would be fine if we had any common ground or if I knew how to talk to her, but I don't. I just kind of ignore it, but I can only do that for so long. When she asks me about my relationship with Jason or if I've ever had sex with a guy I have to lie because she would just yell at me anyway. I feel guilty for lying, but I feel depressed that I'm in a position where I have to lie in the first place. I don't know what to do.

My mom also spends all my money. This month, I was going to use my spare money to pay off my Meijer card, so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Then my mom bitched at me until I bought her a wheelbarrow so she could clean up the back yard. When I finally bought it this morning, she didn't even use the damn thing and sat around talking on the phone all day. She also insisted that we need a new hose and sprayer, so I ended up getting that too. I don't even want to know what I'm going to end up paying for next week.

Having said that, I've been making more financially sound decisions that I have in the past few months. I paid $50 on all three of my credit cards and haven't made any new purchases. I also only ate out twice this month (to my recollection). I refrained from using my free money to buy a TV I need to play many of my games (although Jason bought a completely superfluous one). There is a list of things I want and need on the side of my monitor and I've stuck to just the things I need.

It does annoy me that whenever I want or need something, be it a television or a computer, someone goes out and buys a new one. For once I would like to be able to support myself and just get the things I need. I can go without a TV or a MacBook, but I really need a pair of work shoes but I can't get them because I'm buying everything for everyone else. It also annoys me that everyone gets to go to school but me. Some of them go just to say they did, and some of them refuse to go, despite getting a full ride. I don't understand why my friends can get financial aid from the government, but I can't even though my parents and I pull in a combined $20,000 a year. WTF?

Another reason I haven't blogged in a while and the main reason I think I don't write is that no matter how much effort I put into something I never get anything back. No matter how hard I work at PetSmart, they don't care. All I want is someone to tell me I did a good job, but all I get is a free pop. No matter how hard I work at a blog or myspace design, someone else has a better one. No matter how hard I try to pay off my debt, something comes up and I get deeper. No matter how much effort I put into something I write, I'm never satisfied with it.

I've been in an all around bad mood recently, but I'm going to try really hard to get back out of it. Thanks for your time.