Again With The Mood Swings

So my mom started taking cheap shots at me again. She'll do the same things: telling me to stay away from people like that, telling me how horrible it is, suggesting I date every female friend I have, even the little comments too. But it's different now. Even thought I thought she was trying to be mean before, there was always a part of me that thought maybe she didn't mean anything by it. But now the mask of innocence is gone and it really hurts.

How can someone who claims to care about me be so cruel all the time? It's not like I have anyone else I can turn to (except Jason, but that's different). I've been treated this way for as long as I can remember, but I didn't really notice because I thought it was normal. Sometimes I feel so unwanted and so unloved that I go to bed early just so I can crawl under the covers and cry without being disturbed.

I lay in bed for an hour in the morning trying desperately to go back to sleep because I just don't want to wake up. The only time I actually look forward to anything is when Jason is coming over because he makes me feel like I have the right to live. Nothing else really matters to me, not even filmmaking, because I'm always told it's a waste of time. It's hard to stay excited about something for very long when there's someone just trying to bring you down.

I really should take Sarah up on her offer and move out. But I can't. My mom is going through rough times and her best friend and her sister just moved away. She just lost her job too. If I just leave, she'll think I'm running out on her because that's just the way she is. No matter how important something is to me, she has to make it about herself. I don't know what to do. I really do need to get a job and leave, but I'm scared. It's just another opportunity I'm going to let pass me by.

The story of my life, I guess. I just don't feel like I'm going anywhere, and I don't feel like I can go anywhere. It's kind of shitty.

P.S. I might still work on the Ubuntu blog. I don't know. If I move out I'm not going to have access to the Internet or even a computer capable of running Ubuntu, so it looks like another dead end.