I'm Not Bitter, I'm Just Anxious

I'm all done with Christmas shopping. Well, I still need to buy my aunt a word search book (Walden's didn't have one and Barnes and Noble closed right before we pulled in) and I want to get Jason something nice. But the bulk of it is bought,wrapped, and tucked neatly under my bed. I really owe Jason for taking me shopping. He really should have been doing his homework, but he came over an hour early just to help me because he knows how much I've been worrying about this. And even though I'm almost done I don't really feel any less stressed. I guess that's just Christmas time in my house.

I made a real ass of myself in the car. While we were in the mall Jason took me to Sears to buy me a pair of jeans. I knew about it on the way, but as we passed a thrift store I said "I could buy gifts at the thrift store, but then I'd have to buy people clothes. And no one likes getting clothes." I totally didn't mean it. I didn't even know why I said it, but I feel like a total jerk. I was excited about getting the jeans and a nice sweater because I normally buy crappy clothes that have to last at least a few years. And I really do like what we picked out, even though Jason insisted that I get a second sweater because he thought I would be unsatisfied with only one.....but I'm not supposed to know about it and I'm going to act surprised, so no one say anything.

On a side note, Jason also wants to get me a book. It's funny because when we go into a bookstore he has to ask me the name of the book because he keeps forgetting. I completely understand that because it has a somewhat unusual title. Then after I tell him the title he immediately heads toward the Science Fiction section. That always gives me a giggle because the book is in the Physics section. I don't know why i find the situation funny. I think it's the fact that Jason runs all over trying to find what I want when I'd really be satisfied just being with him for Christmas. In case anyone is wondering, the book is A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking......but I don't know about that either.

I actually don't know why I'm still up. I've been having a lot of insomniatic episodes recently, and it's kind of annoying. I can't sleep until about 5 or 6 AM and then I'll on;y be able to sleep until about 10. Other days I'll be able to fall asleep at about two, but I won't be able to drag myself out of bed until 2. It's really bizarre. I think it would be better if I didn't have to worry about making noise and using the computer in the other room to do something creative.

Which reminds me, I want to make a short documentary. I was thinking something about Christmas or insomnia. Maybe even both if I can find a way to work it in. I'm thinking of documenting my Holiday experience and seeing what turns up. Well, I've already done everything I need, so I guess I'll need to find a volunteer.

And of course, I'm still worried about moving out. I feel a lot of pressure on both sides and I don't what to do. Jason's afraid to bring it up because he thinks it makes me depressed, which it does because I'm running out of time. But it's the holiday season so if I leave now I'd feel tremendously guilty. And Jason's leaving for NY in early January and won't be back until late March or something. I think that's adding a lot to my anxiety right there. I just don't know what to do. (I'm in a nice, good, calm mood right now though...I love Jason so much)