What a Wonderful Month

I've been having a lousy December so far.

I'm experiencing horrible writer's block and I promised to write some articles for GBLNetwork. I don't even write anything for my magazine or my blog anymore. Now I feel like an ass because the owner of the site was really hurting for some content and I failed to deliver any. There were about 6 articles, which was okay, but I still would have liked to write something for launch.

I'm also completely out of money and really bummed out about it. If I could get to Target in Port Huron I could get an extra $20 because the DVD player I bought went on sale, but I can't get there and I don't want to ask Jason because he already took me up there to do my shopping. I don't want to ask too much. I had all these ideas about what to get him, but now I can't afford any of them and it kind of makes me feel like a failure. This is just one of the many reasons I hate Christmas.

It's not Jason's fault I feel like a failure though. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and even though she got a lot of nice stuff, she still found something to yell at my dad about. I feel like that's kind of my fault too, because she used to yell at me all the time when I was a kid, but I don't put up with it anymore and I yell back. So now she yells at my dad about everything because he won't fight back and it's my fault.

I also need to move out and I feel like I can't. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I'd feel really guilty leaving and my mom would tell my aunt it's her fault and it's not. I really don't want to put her through it. And if I leave before Christmas my mom would never let me forget about it.

But the main reason I'm depressed is because I want to be with Jason. I want Jason and I to just be happy together, but we can't because my mom makes me feel bad and I don't know how to deal with it. I blame this stupid country I live in that's run by a bunch of idiot religious red necks with antiquated ideals. Everyone wants this country to be something that it's not and I'm the one suffering. (How's that for self- centered?) I just want to be able to give Jason all my love without constantly worrying about what other people think. It's not fair.

Oh, and I have a cold and my uncle died last Sunday. Don't even get me started about my mom's completely inappropriate behavior at the showing and funeral.