Today's Cry for Attention

Until just a few hours ago I was incredibly excited about going to Jason's friend's New Year's Eve party. That was before I told my mom about it. She was okay with me going to a party until I told her I was going with Jason. Then she immediately said this is why she wanted me to get my permit and said something about morals or morality. I can't remember because I was too busy being hurt by her sudden change in attitude. And people think I hate the holidays for no reason.

She also has an issue with my door being closed. But this only applies when people are staying here overnight, which seems to be happening an awful lot lately. She would rather make my life completely miserable than have someone discover that she raised a dirty faggot. I know that's what she thinks because I've been around my granfather enough to know how she was raised. It really sucks being white trash, and I'm stuck here in the middle of this shit, which isn't fair. It wasn't my choice to be white trash, just like it's not my choice to be gay.

But she acts like it is. There was this event about a month ago that I didn't blog about because I was hurt too much. My mom and I were arguing about something stupid (I think it was cookie cutters) and I must have made her really mad because she followed me into my room, slammed the door and started yelling about how one day she'll be my only friend. First off, that's complete bullshit because she's not even close to being a friend now and second, I have lots of people I can turn to (kind of). But when I asked her why she was trying to make me feel bad and she turned right around and claimed that I made myself feel that way because of the choices I made. That hurt me so bad that I didn't come out of my room or even talk to anyone for two days and then she got mad at me for being hurt. That is fucking bullshit no matter how you look at it.

It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I was the only one affected. But every time she does something to me it hurts Jason just as much. That's what really gets me. I really hate telling him things that happen, but he insists it's better to be honest and I don't want to leave him out of my life, but I don't want to tell him just for him to get hurt. It's even gotten to the point where he feels unwelcome at my house (he even told me so), and to be perfectly honest, so do I. And even though I'm not the one hurting Jason and myself, I am mostly to blame.

I had every chance to get out of here. Jason (and everyone else in my life) has been pushing me so hard to leave, but I don't think I can. One thing I just thought about today is my student loan bill. I still owe them $800 and unless I get a job in the first week after moving, I'm going to have to skip a few payments. I really don't want to do that. And I know I can't rely on my dad to pay it every week because I practically have to kiss his ass to get him to pay it on time now. It may seem like a stupid reason to stay here to most people, but remember: I'm terrified about not having enough money to cover my bills.

I don't know how to tell my mom I'm leaving either. She's going to get mad and make it all about her. She'll probably even say some mean things about Jason and me that'll make me feel horrible and I'll sit alone in my dark room and not want to do anything, let alone move. Even if she doesn't say anything about me I'm pretty sure she thinks she's doing the right thing when she says mean things. That means when I move out she'll be hurt and I'll feel even worse than I do now.

And once I move out, there's no real reason for me to feel better. The things she's said and done to me are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I still think about the time she accused me of plagiarism because I got an A on my English paper, and that was 7 years ago. I still remember the time she and my dad yelled at each other about me in the car, on the way to the sport store, on my birthday. She denies all these things, but I remember them like they were this morning. And they all still hurt just as much as they did all those years ago. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt very deep.

And now I'm pretty much out of time to move out. Jason leaves for New York in 6 days and I can't think of anyone else who would help me move 40 miles at the drop of a hat. And even if I did, I don't have anywhere to put all my extra stuff. Sarah doesn't really have that much space in her apartment and I don't actually want to take up any of it. I'll feel like an inconvenience even if I do only take up a little space. I just don't want to intrude on her private space.

I know I can make excuses all day, but I really don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get out of here more than I want anything else. But....That's as far as I got. I know I want to leave, but I can't and I don't know why. You have no idea how frustrating that is. Maybe you do, I don't know. Some of you probably do.

On top of all that, Jason is leaving. I'm not going to see him for 4 whole months, and I don't want to do that. As much as I want him to go, I want him to stay here with me twice as much. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want to live without seeing his beautiful smile, hearing him laugh when I tickle him, and just being able to lay there next to his warm body. I really regret all the times he wanted to cuddle and I didn't feel like it because now I'm not going to get the chance for a third of a year.

But I truly am excited for Jason's opportunity. People would kill for a chance like this, and Jason is lucky enough to get it. In this business it really is all about who you know and this is Jason's foot in the door. The connections he builds while he's in New York will last the rest of his life. I'm really happy that Jason gets to go do this because he really deserves it. I just hope he still feels the same way about me when he gets home.

The past few weeks haven't been all bad. I got to see Amanda and Sean the other day. It was my first time meeting Sean and the first thing he said was "Hey, it's that famous guy!" At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but it turns out he has a copy of The Rich Show, and I guess he liked it. We all hung out at the Raven coffee shop in Port Huron and we didn't talk about much, but it was fun.

I also got to hang out with Steph yesterday. We were going to work on her movie, but none of us really felt like it, so we went to Taco Bell and saw Black Christmas instead. It was an average, run of the mill slasher flick, but I really liked it because it summed up my feelings about Christmas rather nicely.

That's all I have to say today. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad or anything. I just wanted to get some things off my chest.