Aspiration for Normality

I try so hard to be happy. That's all I want is to be a happy, normal (in the sense that I don't hate myself) person and do normal people things. But I can't because I believe I can't. Sometimes when I wake up I have to convince myself that I deserve to be here before I can get out of bed. Then all day I try to be happy. I try to enjoy things that other people enjoy, but by midnight I'm so burned out that I feel worse than I did when I woke up. And I don't know why.

I don't know why I feel this way today. No one did anything to me. Nothing bad happened. I had a pretty good day. But I still feel horrible. I applied at CVS again (getting a job - something all my normal friends have done) because it was raining and I could do it over the Internet. I even drove today (another one of the normal things I want to do) and had a good experience. I tried writing and got some pretty good ideas written down, and am thinking of filming something when Steph and Jason come home. All in all I had a great day.

Can trying so hard to be happy really be counterproductive? I do feel like more of a failure when I can't even succeed at smiling once in a while. I don't know what's wrong with me and if there's even any reason to feel this way. I don't even know if I feel this way of if it's some kind of delusion or something I use as an excuse not to do those normal things. I really don't know anything anymore.