The Source?

I think I've figured out where the source pf my writer's block is coming from. I always to tend to write only about things I'm passionate about. I also tend not to write a lot of screenplays that I can't produce with my current resources. Those two concepts aren't necessarily related, but in this case they seem to be mutually exclusive.

There's one thing in my life that I'm passionate about more than anything else. That something is Jason. He's the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I never knew I could miss someone so much until Jason went to New York. I really didn't realize how deep my feelings were because right now I'd give anything just to spend one night in his arms. I miss the way he smells and the grin he gets on his face when I whisper sweet nothings into his ear. I miss the way he makes me feel when he looks into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me. But most of all, I miss being able to hold him after he's had a rough day.

Jason is literally on my mind all day and it's hard to be passionate about anything else when I miss him so. So I should just write about my feelings for Jason, right? It can't be that hard since I just did it. But I can't. This blog is my only venue for this particular subject. It's hard to write and display a love poem on my myspace without telling people who it's about or giving away any revealing details. I want to be able to say "I love the way your goatee is reflected in the moonlight" and "I love the way you hold me in your big strong arms," but that would arouse some suspicion.

I can't really make a screenplay about the love Jason and I share either, because I'm still terrified of anyone finding about that I'm gay. I don't know why and it keeps me from doing something as simple as hanging out with my friends, let alone making a film with them. I'd really like to make a screenplay with Jason and I as main characters, but I don't have the resources to film it right now. All of my friends who I'm out to and would feel comfortable making this film live out of state (or way the Hell upstate).

You have no idea how frustrating it is to not be able to convey something as big as the way I feel about Jason. I want to tell people that I'm madly in love with the most wonderful man who ever lived, but I can't. I wish I could just be myself and openly love who I want, but I can't and it's not fair. I don't know why I still complain about it, because there's nothing anyone can do. Maybe in fifty or sixty years I'll be able to live a normal life like everyone else. When did this turn into a 'poor me' post?

Back to the problem! I need to learn how to channel my passion about Jason into writing about some other subject. The only problem is that I don't know how. Any ideas?