What a Weekend

I've recently noticed that my blog has turned into the "For breakfast I had toast and then I went out to walk the dog and found a nickel and put it in my change jar" kind of blog. That's what happens when I'm happy. I can't help it, I just don't say interesting things when I'm happy. But on the other hand, when I'm depressed my posts are whiny, self centered, and pointless. Like this one.

There's a old saying (Murphy's Law) "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." What I've discovered that when things that can go wrong decide to do so, they stand around and wait for some of their buddies so that they can all go wrong at the same time. It could just be me, I don't know. But it seems like when something goes (more) wrong in my life everything else has to immediately follow suit.

My earbuds are shorting out from wearing them from cutting the lawn. The mower is getting worn faster than normal too because I occasionally hit rocks and steel fragments hidden in the tall grass. I ripped one of my two good pairs of pants by putting myself in a position that strains the knees. I broke my power adapter by moving my computer around too much. I can't replace any of these things myself even though I caused the problems myself and I always feel bad having other people give me things (especially my parents) because I'm 21 and I should be able to provide all of these for myself.

I had a lot of plans for this weekend too. Friday I was going to spend some time with Jason, Saturday spend the evening with Jason and Steph brainstorming for that slasher I told myself I'd write a year ago, and Sunday hanging out with Mike and Joe. But that all got canceled. Mike got called into work and Joe canceled because he's Joe and that's what he does. It's happened to me at least 20 times and I still don't expect it. There goes Sunday. Steph got reminded of another party after the one she was getting off early from. That's fine, she had a prior commitment. But Jason got sick.

I've had a cold for a week and I made Jason come over Saturday and Tuesday. So it's my fault he's sick so it's my fault my weekend is shot and I'm not going to be seeing anyone. I was so excited about actually doing something this weekend instead of sitting alone in my room waiting for someone to IM me, call me, or even just talk to me. And I ruined it completely by telling Jason I felt better Tuesday so I could see him. If I didn't get to see Steph, Joe, or Mike it would have been okay because at least Jason would be here to comfort me after a really bad day. So my punishment for being selfish Tuesday is having a miserable weekend.

It's weird how I can be surrounded (kinda) by people and still feel the suffocating blanket of loneliness. I know Jason is there to comfort me. I know I can talk to Steph any time. I know there are other people who would consider having a serious conversation with me. But I still can't help feeling alone sometimes.

It also makes me feel like a big loser. I complain about living at home with my mom when I'm 21 but I don't go out and get a job. None of my friends care enough about me (Jason and Steph aside) to keep a commitment, and I rarely talk to any of my friends except Jason and Steph. Of course there's Matt and all my Internet friends, but they don't count because I never see them. Sometimes I just feel like I'm really not worthy of anyone or anything and I get what I deserve.

I had a point but it got lost somewhere in sorrow and self pity.