A Brief Guide to Prank Calls

I have what I would like to think of as a good sense of humor. It may be a little dry or twisted at times, I do enjoy a good joke. Unfortunately, many of the people I come into contact with are unable to make or even recognize a good joke. Working at a fairly well known retail establishment with an easily available phone number I occasionally find my phone ringing with an anonymous number, which almost certainly means that I'm about to pick up on a prank call. Many of them are downright awful.

The first step to making a successful prank call is to have some sort of plan. It doesn't matter if it's a detailed script, a list of possible responses to things I may say, or a general idea of where you'd like to go with the prank. Bonus points if you can remember it without writing anything down. The point is that you should know what you're trying to accomplish with the call well in advance of picking up the phone. Please don't have people in the same room feed you lines, either. It's really annoying when I have to hear the same lousy joke twice.

Next, don't make the call anonymous. Like I said, an anonymous call is almost always a prank and Caller ID is a standard option on both wireless and desk phones. Spoofcard.com (also available as apps on your smartphone) will let you make completely anonymous calls and present any name and number you give it, for a nominal fee. You could also use Skype to make outbound phone calls for 2.3 cents a minute. While it's not necessarily anonymous, the call won't be tied to your phone number, and simply closing the application will prevent me from calling or texting you back.

Save your punchline for the middle of the conversation. Don't start by asking me if we sell crackers because your parrot is hungry or nervously asking me about the largest fish we sell. Start by asking me to repeat my name, as this will put me on edge. I will assume that you're going to be difficult and will be more likely to respond in the way that you want. Ask a related question or two, but don't give the joke away immediately. The point is to get me interested in the conversation and shock me, not to say something random and hang up.

On the other hand, don't take more than 30 seconds to make some sort of point. That's roughly how long it takes me to get bored of the call. There's no need to tell me a contrived life story, unless that is pivotal to the joke. Again, the point is to shock me, not to bore me to tears. If you beat around the bush for more than the allotted time and I know that it is a joke, I will hang up. It's that simple.

Make the joke obvious. Unless you want me to assume that you're simply a mentally handicapped individual, make the punchline of the joke clear and concise. Don't suddenly start to mumble, giggle, or yell into your phone when you get to the good part. A lot of prank calls start out well but are ruined by failure of the caller to deliver a half decent punchline. If no one is laughing at the end of the call then the joke was bad and you should feel bad.

Don't be surprised if I play along. I know I'm a mere retail employee, but that doesn't meat that I'm not quick witted. If you ask me if we sell Orca whales and I say yes and offer you detailed pricing information, don't hang up. If you ask me if we sell crackers for your pet Polly and I say no, but tell you that there is a great cracker plant just south of Springfield, don't hang up. If you ask me if we have any animals that would be suitable to be placed into your anus and I say no but direct you to Tractor Supply where they sell cocks during this time of year, don't call me a faggot, and don't hang up. I get just as much entertainment out of the call as you do so try not to disappoint me.

I hope that by following this guide, you too, can not suck at prank calling.