:(

I haven't posted anything in a while because I've been feeling really lousy. CVS still hasn't called, and I don't think they're going to. I really, really needed that job. I need to get out of this house, away from that stupid bitch I live with, and move on with my life, but it just isn't happening. I never really wanted anything other than to just be out on my own where no one can tell me what to do. I don't need a lot of money because even though I have expensive tastes, I know I don't need all that shit. I just need to pay off what I already owe and then maybe invest whatever little bit would be left over from my checks after the bills get paid. That would be more than enough for me.

But no. I know I'd be disappointing everyone in my life. Not just my mom her retarded fucking family, but all my friends who expect so much out of me. Everyone seems to think I should just go back to Baker and get a job in computers, sitting at a desk all day answering tech support calls and reinstalling Windows five times a day. What people don't realize is that I do that every day. I don't like it, but I should do it anyway. It's the 'right' thing to do.

No one cares what I want to do. Everyone thinks I should go marry some bimbo (no disrespect to women) and get some shitty job that I'm never going to be happy in. I'd be sure to make lots of money, and that's all that matters to most people. And why shouldn't it? I mean, with everything cool being so expensive nowadays, why shouldn't money make me happy? I guess I'm just kind of sick hearing people tell me I should go back to college and that filmmaking is a waste of time.

But the thing is, they're probably right. I can't make a coherent short that lasts more than 15 minutes, let alone a feature film worth being paid for. I mean, even if I did get good enough to be a freelance director or an indie filmmaker, I'll never have enough confidence to actually go out and do it. Hell, I can't even deal with a small group of my friends. How the Hell am I supposed to actually make something that anyone would ever pay to watch?

And I'm sick of hearing about my cousin's stupid wedding. So he fucked some girl and now they have no choice but to get married. Good for him. I don't fucking care. I swear, my mom just uses it as an excuse to make me feel bad for being the way I am. She always does this right when I'm starting to feel good about myself. She just kicks me in the balls and shoves me in the road to be knocked around by whatever comes along. It makes me hate her and myself so fucking much.

I used to always blame me being this way for my depression, but I've seen pictures of people like me being happy. Now I don't have anything to blame and I'm all out of excuses. I'm just sick of being me. I don't know how to explain it very well because I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that it's not good because between the tears I have urges to break everything around me. But I do feel somewhat better since I sat down here, so I guess it's all okay.

Also, Jason had a bad day today too. I feel really bad because he's been having a rough time at work and he's all stressed out. I really hope things start to work out better for him because I hate to see him like this. It makes me really sad because he feels bad for feeling bad and then he just gets worse and worse.

So Jason, have a really good night and try to relax. I love you more than words can even begin to describe. Have a good day tomorrow and try not to let work get to you.