Bombs Bursting Outside My Window

What exactly is it about me that makes me so easy to ignore? I've written to almost everyone I know today and I didn't get a single response. I understand if some people are busy, but I refuse to believe that people who never leave their computers have more important things to do than reply to a single message. When I saw Jake at the fireworks the other day, he didn't say anything (I'm not sure if he saw me though). Sometimes I really get the feeling that no one cares. Some of the messages were just casual conversation, but most of them were business.

It's always been like this. Like when Joe decided not to show up, he didn't bother getting in touch with me. Jake never got back to me when I sent him the script. Whenever I leave someone a voicemail message they never call back. Whenever I want to hang out with one of my friends, they're too busy. When I make a post on a forum, everyone ignores it. Sometimes I wonder if I completely stopped talking to people, would anyone really notice? I really do feel this way.

I guess I'm just used to having someone to talk to all day. Steph went to Tennessee and is having a great time, but she doesn't have constant Internet access, so she's never on AIM. None of my other friends are ever on AIM anymore either, so I'm stuck here all by myself. Yesterday was different. I talked to everyone I knew yesterday. So what the Hell is different today?

Maybe it's because I'm already in a bad mood. I've have this horrible pain in my arm and my back for about a week. I told my mom I'd cut the lawn, so I did. But then she started yelling at me because there was all this stuff she didn't tell me about. That's the only time she says anything anymore. When she's yelling. She really makes me want to die sometimes and I'm getting sick of living here.

I may be getting a job at CVS in a few days and if I do I want to move out after I pay off all my bills. But everyone is giving me advice and I don't know what to do. Jason always complains about how no one ever follows his advice and I don't want to ignore it. But I really don't want to follow it because he thinks I should stay here until after I get a car and graduate and this and that. I can't wait that long because if I stay in this house any longer I'm going to feel a lot worse than I have been.

Not that I've been feeling bad in the last few months. I've been getting all sorts of things done and hanging out with all my friends. Just last night I hung out with Julie, who I hadn't seen in years. We just hung around her mom's house in Port Huron and took a quick trip to the mall. We had some ice cream too. It was good. Her mom makes the best pork tenderloin and mashed potatoes. Mmmm. Then, almost out of nowhere, Julie asks my girlfriend's name.

This again. Her sister was in the room, so I didn't want to say anything. I just told her I couldn't say. Repeatedly. Then I felt like a jerk and I sent her an e-mail when I got home and explained the situation. She still hasn't gotten back, but it's okay because she's probably still getting settled back into her apartment. I was going to tell her the other day, but it just never came up even though I really pushed the conversation that way more than a few times.

I started writing a script recently that I'll probably never produce. It's about Jason, me, and my problems being who I am. My life really isn't that interesting in case you couldn't tell, so I had to step it up a little. I made my friends complete assholes (seemingly), Jason and I live together, and I have a Xanex problem. Sometime writing this makes me feel worse because I have to think about my friends and family and how much I really do need them.

But I do have some good news. (I just saved 15% on my car insurance by calling Geico) A lot of people are getting interested in Orange Ninja Films. Stephanie is working on a really cool horror story right now that I'm hoping to film about 9 months from now. One of Mike's friends is writing a zombie movie, which sounds like it would be really fun to make. Even Mike himself is excited about acting in the next movie I make. Oh, and I learned how to do moving aerial photography really cheap. So I'm excited about it, I just need to start (yes, start) editing the movie we just filmed.