Sony is Ruining my Life

So, CVS hasn't called back yet. People keep telling me not to worry because it takes time, but Debby (the woman who interviewed me) said she'd call in a couple days. This is exactly why I never told anyone about my interview. Now if I don't get the job everyone is going to be disappointed. But I don't think anyone can be as disappointed as me. I really needed this job and somehow I fucked it up. Story of my life.

I got an email from Julie yesterday telling me how it's adorable being the way I am. I wake up every morning hating myself for that brief moment before I remember all the good things in my life. Every time I see my family they ask about my life and I can't tell them anything about it. Every day I hear at least one horrible thing about 'people like me' and it makes me doubt the value of my life. But apparently that's pretty damn cute.

It also seems that everyone I know is doing a Hell of a lot better than me. All my friends have jobs, some of them even have really good jobs. They're graduating from their colleges and going on to nice universities. (Neither of these things are directed toward you Jason) They're moving here and there. They're getting married and starting families. They're buying cars, and doing this, and joining that. And the only little piece of my life that I actually enjoy and am proud of, I have to keep hidden from everyone. That makes me feel like even more of a failure that I already did.

None of the above paragraphs reflect how I really feel, only my current mind set. I just tried to edit the beginning of my film. Let's just say it didn't go so great. I can't make a continuous stream of video out of the footage I have. No one is in remotely the same position consistently, no one gets their lines right, I don't have any of the shots I wanted (including close-ups), and the constant sound of the camcorder drives me crazy. I guess it's kind of my fault for not being a good actor. But if Joe would have just shown up and not been such an asshole, he could have done it himself. Oh, and it was his birthday. I wished him well because I would have felt bad if I didn't, though he probably never would have noticed.

And on top of that Sony Vegas is so slow! I switched from Adobe Premier because I thought it'd be a lot faster, but it takes forever to load a saved project. No kidding, it takes like five minutes. I really need either a 64-bit processor or a Mac. I'm hoping for a Mac, but at this point I'm lucky to have my AMD 2800+. Bummer, huh? Joe did offer to help with the editing, but I don't really trust him to do it, not that he'd ever get around to it. And I can't use his computer, but he has all these security measures (like a BIOS password and Windows and Ubuntu passwords) that I'm too lazy to circumvent.

But on the plus side....I bought a book yesterday. It cost the remainder of the little bit of cash I had, but it's about filmmaking.