Lately I've really felt like a failure. Not as a filmmaker, although that has a lot to do with it, but as a human being. I'm 20 and I'm in the exact situation that I told myself I'd never be in. I rely on two people who hate me and who I hate for everything I have. I'm also more socially confused than I have been in a long time. I just don't know what I want. And on top of that, all my friends have bigger problems than I do, so I can't really talk to anyone.
I've been talking to a lot of people who have had employment problems, but they all solved them. Either by moving, or just waiting until they finally did get a job, they all got jobs. I'm the only one of my friends who is still unemployed. To know how that makes me feel you'd have to know exactly how big of losers a lot of my friends are. It's not their fault though. I don't have the personality to hold the kind of job I'm qualified for. I guess it's my fault.
The other night I remembered that when I was a kid my parents would argue over who had to spend time with me. I don't remember exactly why I remembered this, I just know that it made me feel even worse than I already did. It's not exactly a good feeling to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on for anything would rather you not be there. It would have been so much better if they just both ignored me because then I'd have nothing to complain about right now.
I also have reason to believe that I'm a very unprofessional filmmaker. I was talking recently to someone (I'm sorry for this) about a project he wanted to do. We were talking about cameras and he said it was too unprofessional to shoot high-def digital on a $15,000 camera. I shoot standard definition, compressed video on a $500 (current price) consumer grade camera with no extra equipment, other than my tripod. I also couldn't get people to do what I, as a director, asked and people even laughed at me. The same person also told me I was very professional and I don't know what to think anymore.
I have so much more to say, I just can't say anything because I don't know how. There is just so much crap going on right now that I don't know where to begin or even what to write about. So I'm going to just wait for another day when I actually feel like going into it or something.
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We were talking about pipe dreams (my sitdotcom) and I meant, as long as we're discussing something that's not going to happen (in the way I imagine it - being aired on network TV), I might as well go for the best of the best. I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression or imply that you're unprofessional. :(
ReplyDeleteI feel so bad for you. I just want you to know, Rich, you are not the only one in your boat. You will pull through things eventually, but it is very hard.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is to never doubt yourself as a person. You are a great guy, Rich. If I could, I would give you a twix bar right now. o_o
Hey, i'll be on tomorrow, drop me a line so we can talk, I'm worried about you Rich. Sounds like you need a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk to. I'm here if you want to talk. Ya got me all worried now... (hell..prolly gonna dream about you and you're movies t'night....)
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. I feel fine now. A lot better than I have been. I've been writing too, so expect something good to come out of my head any time.
ReplyDeleteHey! [smirk] I did pretty well with my films on my friend's old Sony. Granted, I blasted the shit with special effects and purposely rendered everything in monochrome, but still.
ReplyDeleteAnd anyway, what's the point of filming in HD right now when most people are still watching cable on NTSC?
And about the loserness, I doubt very much that you have the monopoly. I'm only two years younger than you and I'm pretty much on the same track.
Everyone starts off unprofessional, gohs. I want you to know that I believe in you, and when you become big and famous it's oh kay if you don't have time for me, but I will tell VH1 that we were prom dates.:P
ReplyDelete