Rich Says: Chill Out Everyone

After watching the Simpsons for a couple hours, eating a sandwich (onions and cheese, yum) I feel a lot better. I don't know why I always do this to myself. I've just been trying to do so many things recently and I haven't ended up doing anything. Like that side project I'm considering doing. I've had every chance to do it, but I just don't.

The truth is, I'm afraid. But I don't know of what. Yes I do. I'm afraid of people knowing who I am. I'm afraid of letting people get too close. The only reason I feel comfortable enough to write in this blog is because I'm pretty sure only 2 people read it. I'm not complaining. That's the way I like it.

But Youtube works drastically different. The system is designed to get the content out there. It forces new videos on people, and I don't know if I want that. Do I really want to talk to the 12 million whatever people watch Youtube everyday? No. Well, yes. Maybe. I'm confused.

I don't know what I want. I think the idea of my family getting a hold of something of mine has been scaring me away. I'm already worried about my two cousins that are my friends on Myspace. I don't want either of my parents to see anything either. That's why I like this blog. My name's not attached to it. Yes, it has my picture off to the side, but you can't search using a picture...yet. I'm terrified of my friends getting closer to me only to disassociate themselves with me later.

But at the same time I need this. I want the social interaction. Look at all my personal links. It was my idea to join Myspace, Flickr, Youtube, and DeviantArt. It was my idea to start this blog. I want to communicate with people. I'm just not sure who. I hate having to keep things from people, but right now I need to do it and it's tearing me apart inside.

You have no idea how confused I am right now. Not even about being gay. That's not an issue anymore. It's being afraid to talk to people because they might find out and tell my parents. People keep telling me I need to tell everyone, but you don't know the situation. Are you gay 20 year old men with an entire extended family consisting of bigots and assholes? Wow, I never knew we had so much in common.

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm just frustrated with myself at the moment. I was really looking forward to seeing Jason because he always makes me feel better, so I allowed myself to get worked up just enough to still be in control. But Jason's sick so he's at home in bed. I'm not complaining and I'm not mad. I hope Jason gets over his food poisoning (it sounds like the Flu to me). I really hope he feels better soon.

Also, people have been taking my blog way too seriously. I'm not trying to make anyone mad or feel guilty or anything like that. Relax. If you do something that offends me, pisses me off, or hurts my feelings, I'll let you know personally. So quit reading so much into everything I say. Please? Or else I'm going to have to start another blog or something, but what kind of weirdo would do that? (I don't think you're weird "Mrs. W" I just don't want to have to do that.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm so tired right now, but I'm too strung out to sleep. I think I'll cruise around Youtube for a little bit.