I Have Seen the Light and it is my Mind

the State has decided: who I am to love, to hate
what I'm to do in be, with what and to whom

the State has made a military coup in bed
stop screaming: the world is a better place

we are now going to sing the virtues of mass murder
we will follow our religious leaders

our feelings are stamped: State Property
pornography is practiced by God
who has raped more souls than you can shake a prick at

Jesus Christ is a funny name
for an hallucinogenic drug

all those addicts like Billy Graham and the Pope
will have to account for their expensive habit

from his last words on the cross
I gather Jesus was begging for the ultimate fix

-Harold Norse

So I still don't have the Internet, there are no places in marine City to get good free Internet acces (other than Big Boy, but I don't have the money for coffee), and no one has an open access point. So I'm pretty much cut off from everyone I know. I can't colaborate with peple, I can't share my thoughts and feelings, I can't even recieve a local phone call because we don't have Caller ID and no one bothers taking down a phone number.

I fucking hate my family too. All in all, I'm having a really shtty month. Or have I been saying that since January? I don't even remember now.

Oops

Stephanie thought it would be a good idea to mention that my dad didn't pay the phone bill this month, so I don't really have access to the Internet anymore. It's not like I do anything important on the Internet or anythign though, so it's all okay. But when they threaten to disconnect our cable, all Hell breaks loose.

Gone

Here I am. Overjoyed with my life and all the wonderful things that encompass it. Waking up each morning with a smile on my face knowing that today will be more marvelous than I can even imagine. Glad to be behind these high walls that I’ve spent a lifetime building to block out all the malice that is in the day-to-day life of this cruel world. I let them down a few times before to let people in, but then felt the immense ripping pain of the knife through my heart as they each left and I vow to never feel that pain again, no matter what it takes. There is only spot where it is safe to be without getting cut by the barbed wire, spikes, and sharp thorns that line both sides of all four walls and the roof. The reinforced concrete and thick steel plates that compose my fortress, my castle, my home to insure that I will never have to worry about someone getting in.

There is a camera in the very top corner that points down at me, to allow those I trust to see me. A screen in front of where I eternally sit, allows me to see the world. I have been staring at my toes for a while trying to move each one individually, but unable to do so. I look up at the screen and my breath is taken aback. His beautiful face appears, and happiness pours into my body like a warm rushing river. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him that I love him and that he means the world to me, I still have to tell him more. It’s as if nothing is ever enough, because he can’t even fathom all the pain and misery that he makes me forget by just being near me, the ecstasy I feel every time I hear even the faintest whisper of his name. He has my soul, the very fiber of my being and I am nothing… nothing but a person behind a wall without him. The times in between our meetings are the cloudy nights that long for the moon and stars that otherwise fill it creating a portrait so beautiful and awe-inspiring words simply fail to describe.

It is raining outside; it’s been raining for days. It is so heavy that it’s hard to see more than a few inches in any direction. I like to watch it from the safety of my dwelling as it cleanses the Earth from the build up of dirt and filth that piles up during the dry cycles. I feel myself smile just seeing it shoot down from the sky as waterfall and I am reminded of happy times. My mind drifts from memory to memory, as I listen to the steady stream hit the ground and I make a wish that the world could always be as joyful as my memories.

Without warning, a roaring sound comes rushing towards me. I open my eyes to see that the massive amount of rain has caused the ground to lift from its bed and dance about. People scream and run for cover, but I am protected, out of harm's way inside these walls that I built. I monitor to make sure that everyone I care about has made it to shelter, and I am pleasantly rewarded with their smiling faces saying ‘hello’ to me by merely looking in my direction and I feel the warm from their love for me as if someone has just turned on a radiator to full blast.

Something cold and moist touches the top of my head and rolls down my ear. It takes me a few seconds to figure out what it is. Several feet above me, there is a crack that the foul smelling ooze from this mudslide is creeping into from. I am upset, but I am unharmed. I can handle getting a little dirty while the storm passes I suppose; besides there is no way I can fix it now. It is far above my head and there is no way to get there without injury because of all the roughness on the walls. For now, I try my best to ignore it. There is no use fretting over something that cannot be changed.

The rain has not slowed down and everyone has sought out for higher ground. They are all still in good health and their only concern is my well-being. The trickle of mud has now from a small pool on the ground below me, but beyond that, I am well. I reassure them that I will be right here waiting for them, when this weather has past. I wonder just how long that will be, while the storm rages on.

The few drips that were coming through have now become a gentle flow into my abode. Only my knees and my chest stick out from the viscous solution of all things outdoors. I know if it continues I’ll have to encounter cuts from the walls as I stand up to keep my head above the swirling bits of twigs, grass, and various other matter that should be outside on the ground not in here parading about as if celebrating their new found freedom.

The valley is filled with this brown muck. Whole houses, trees, and hills have been drown by its massive volume. I built my walls higher than conceivable, and yet somehow it has surpassed the top. The pressure has made the gentle flow become a steady stream and my hands sting from having to press them against the briery sides in order to keep my head such that I can breathe. I feel the iciness chilling me to the core of my body as my waist is slowing being overtaken by this malicious entity.

I struggle to stay afloat as liquid pours in at an alarming rate. It has started pulling at the supports of my siding causing bits of barbed wire and thorns to fly down at me like bombs falling from planes in the sky during another pointless war and I am one of the innocent civilians running for my life, having to zigzag back and forth to avoid being hit. Swimming is a struggle because the mud is so thick, but I know I can endure this, I just need to keep hanging on. I’m about half way up and the crack is still several arms spans above me. Why did I make these walls so high? How did a crack get through all that cement and steel? Questions that I don’t have time to answer right now.

The flow has slowed down now that I have risen above the crack. I no longer have to worry about being struck by falling debris. I’m only a few feet from the top and I pray to whomever it is up there (if there is someone up there) to make this abomination stop once and for all. My muscles ache, as they have never endured such an intense regiment before. Hope that the levels will not rise much more, for I’ll be trapped by the ceiling, is all I think about now.

I know the camera is still on, I wish it wasn’t, but it is. Watching my every move with its unblinking eye, displaying it to the world my epic battle for survival. Who is watching me now, I can only imagine. I don’t want to be shown like this. I don’t want people to pay attention only because I’m dying. If they wanted to get to know or even see me, there was plenty of time before this wrath of the Earth was unleashed upon us. So badly, I want to turn it off or at least turn it away but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, it’s determined to keep monitoring every little thing I do, every breath I take.

My head is scraped and scratched by the prickly ceiling and I begin wondering why I built these walls of damnation in the first place, but I needed them. I needed them to protect me from her, that vile monstrosity that I could not escape despite my best efforts. Why did she have to hurt me so? why couldn’t she just except me for what I am? I could be happy if I wasn’t in this self-made prison that she forced me to build. I could be happy if it wasn’t for her and her damn ‘values’. WHY?!?!!?

My hands and face are bleeding and tears are rolling down my face. My wounds sting from all the dirt and debris that is filling them. This however is one of the last things on my mind. I just want to be left alone. Desperately I try to point the camera away, “DON’T LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M LIKE THIS!!!! JUST LET ME BE!!!” I scream out. It only attracts more people to watch as I fight with every ounce left in me to stay above what is becoming my emanate death. My friends cry out for me, they love me. I know that, but love cannot save me now. Why can’t they just leave me alone? I want them to remember the happy times we had together, not to remember me like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!

There is but a few inches of air left. I turn my head to get a quick breath of air before I return to my watery tomb. I don’t know why I’m still hanging on; I won’t be saved. I go to get another breath of air only to find that the air is gone. I fall and my lungs begin to swell with this relentless curse. In my final moments of consciousness, I hear the roof being torn off. Someone has come to save me, but it is too late, I am gone.


By Julie Sunshine Emerick

Strange Species

I, Richard G. Moore, a national of the United States, solemnly swear that I was born at Flat Plains AFB, Oklahoma, United States of America, Planet Earth on February 13, 1986; that I formerly resided in the United States at 765 Broadway, Marine City, Michigan, United States of America, Planet Earth, That I had resided in the United States from February 13, 1986 to July 7, 2007; That I am a national of the United States by virtue of birth;

That I desire to make a formal renunciation of my Earthian Planetarity and Humanship, as provided by section 349(a)(5) of the Immigration and Planetarity Act, and pursuant thereto I hereby absolutely and entirely renounce my Earthian Planetarity and Humanship together with all rights and privileges and all duties of allegiance and fidelity thereunto pertaining.






Sometimes I'm ashamed to be associated with the vile, unintelligent, hate filled inhabitants of this little blue lump of matter hurling through the vacuum of the universe. So I adapted this from an official document, thanks to the U.S government posting everything on the Internet. I really do wish this was a real document and I could get as far away from here as modern propulsion would allow because every day I encounter (not always physically) dozens of people who go through their lives trying to convince everyone around them that their way of living is the one and only right way. People just can't handle anyone who doesn't fit into their nice little definitions of what people should be and continue fighting for what they think is right.

The worst is when people quote the Holy Bible. I'm not disputing the Bible's validity. Even though I don't think it represents what God would want, it might actually be his exact words. No one really knows. What gets me is when people misuse passages in the Bible that could be interpreted a million different ways, but they insist that their way is right because their favorite televangelist said so. These people then continue to throw out passages (especially in Leviticus) that don't work for them, but still insist that if someone violates the very next passage they're going straight to Hell.

People also insist on intruding on others' civil rights, claiming that their rights are violated. A law student fails the BAR exam because he refuses to answer a question about gay marriage. He wasn't asked to agree with the law or homosexuality in general, just to answer a simple question. But it somehow violated his rights, making the words "gay marriage" (and thus the concept) arguably unconstitutional. The parent of a fifth grader sits in on a PTA meeting and insists that a black school teacher should be let go because he makes the daughter of a man she doesn't even know uncomfortable. The kids have a right to learn in a healthy environment, but God forbid the man be able to work in one.

With all the hate that's constantly going around it's hard to believe people ever get anything done. Or do they? What does all the bickering, fighting, and name calling accomplish? Humans are so caught up in their beliefs that they never stop to think if they're right. They just insist. And that leads to a whole lot of hate, violence, war, and death.

I'm proud to no longer be a part of that.

Happy Lousy Holiday

I'm working on a zombie film. No, I don't know why. I just kind of feel like it. I just felt like making a serious movie. Err, well a movie. I really do like where it's going right now, but the more I look at the budget (just over $100) and the number of actors and extras I need the more it just seems like work. Where did all the fun go? I know it takes a lot of effort to get something out of filmmaking, but effort is one thing I just can't do right now. I'll post a script or synopsis here as soon as I get something done though.

[this holiday rant has been removed due to excessive whininness]

Starting Saturday my mom voluenteered me to dog sit for her friend out in the country. They don't have the Internet, but that doesn't really matter because I don't have my power adapter yet. I'm fairly confident it'll come before Friday though, and if it doesn't I'll just have to go a week without a computer at all. Or the phone because can never hear with their lousy connection and people don't talk loud enough. I could use my mom's roll over minutes (that expire every month now since we haven't used them in a year), but she won't let me. She's like that.

Two Careers Overnight!

I realized something today. Technically, I have a paying job. Today was the first day of shooting for that film I'm PAing on, and things went pretty smoothly. I got the hang of things pretty quick and I was moderately helpful. I learned a lot of things about the actual filming process and equipment (because I've never used anything beyond a consumer grade digital camcorder). Despite a sore back, all in all it was a great day for me.

It feels kind of good to have this job because it's exactly that. It may only be on Sundays and I'll probably never see any money from it (I get 2% after the film grosses $400, which is unlikely and even if it does it'll barely be anything), but it's still a job. It really gives me a sense of satisfaction that I'm actually doing something, and it's something I really want to do with my life. I'm really glad I'm doing it.

If you want to be really technical I'm also in "landscaping " as Julie calls it. But I do that mostly to get a tan.

The Same Old Rant, Reworded

Why does it seem like everything is against me all the time? Like, I have to work so hard to be happy, but then someone makes a mean or hurtful comment and all my hard work goes to waste, which makes me feel even worse. I'd blame it on karma or something to that effect, but a lot of times it seems that something horrible happens immediately after I do something good.

I gave my mom that shelf because I know she needs the money and I lost Internet access for 2 days. That normally would have been bearable, but I needed to send out some important emails regarding costumes today. Then I let myself get so worked up over it that I seriously thought I failed at the entire job because of it. Then the Internet came back up and I felt really stupid for worrying so much about it.

I try to do everything right. I try to do things for people as much as I can because I know I'm not really worth anything, but it always seems to turn out wrong. No matter what I do it seems that no one is ever really satisfied. Or maybe I'm not satisfied with myself. I know I could do so much better if I just tried, but something always stops me. Sometimes it's bad luck or karma, but sometimes it's just me being lazy.

Everything is just going wrong right now. This week, this month, this year. I need to get a job, get out of here, go back to college, and start making some films. I don't know why I don't. I could make a film right now if I wanted. but there's always something that stops me. I could probably get a job if I tried harder, and I could convince someone to let me move in with them. But I don't. And I don't know why.

But there is one thing I do have. I have someone to comfort me when I'm down and encourage me to do what I really want. That's enough to make me feel decent about myself. And that's what I need right now.

Also John, Paul, Ringo, and George help.

How Not to Handle Money

This may or may not come as a surprise to some of you, but my family is having some serious money issues. All four people living in this house are unemployed, we keep spending money like there's no tomorrow, and yet money keeps materializing from nowhere. Or at least, it did before this morning. To give you a quick background, our monthly budget looks something like this:

-80 Digital Cable
-60 Phone/Internet/(unused) Cell Phone
-70 Gas (not gasoline)
-50 Water
-90 Electric
-150 Gasoline (frequent trips to Port Huron)
-300 Fast Food (almost every day)
-150 Actual food (we have access to a Bridge card too)
-200 Various Purchases
-----
1130 Total Expenditure


+450 Dad's Pension
+623 My Aunt's SSI
----
1073 Total Income


See a problem there? I failed to factor in medical expenses from my dad's recent heart attack and my mom's car accident, and I probably misjudged some of the bills, but the you can clearly see the situation.

If my mom would stop running people to Port Huron (up to) three times a week and cut back on her spending a little bit, we could probably save $300 right there. We also leave the TV, multiple fans, my mom's computer, and the computer in the kitchen running all day, regardless of whether they're being used or not. We could save on gas by doing larger loads (someone washes three or four items at a time on the largest load setting) of laundry and actually allowing food to thaw before we begin cooking it. We could save some money on the phone bill by canceling service to the cell phone we don't use. We could completely cancel the cable too, because there's never anything on.

But we won't because it's obviously better to spend all the bill money and complain than to manage money responsibly. I hope Jason is better at handling money than I am or we have a serious problem.

ADDENDUM: My mom randomly decided that she needs a new shelf for her DVD collection and prepared to go to Kmart to buy one. I know she doesn't have any money and I really don't want her to cancel the our Internet service, so I gave her the shelf I used for DVD's, which she gave me when we first moved in. Now she's mad about it.

Bleed Like Me

What a Weekend

I've recently noticed that my blog has turned into the "For breakfast I had toast and then I went out to walk the dog and found a nickel and put it in my change jar" kind of blog. That's what happens when I'm happy. I can't help it, I just don't say interesting things when I'm happy. But on the other hand, when I'm depressed my posts are whiny, self centered, and pointless. Like this one.

There's a old saying (Murphy's Law) "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." What I've discovered that when things that can go wrong decide to do so, they stand around and wait for some of their buddies so that they can all go wrong at the same time. It could just be me, I don't know. But it seems like when something goes (more) wrong in my life everything else has to immediately follow suit.

My earbuds are shorting out from wearing them from cutting the lawn. The mower is getting worn faster than normal too because I occasionally hit rocks and steel fragments hidden in the tall grass. I ripped one of my two good pairs of pants by putting myself in a position that strains the knees. I broke my power adapter by moving my computer around too much. I can't replace any of these things myself even though I caused the problems myself and I always feel bad having other people give me things (especially my parents) because I'm 21 and I should be able to provide all of these for myself.

I had a lot of plans for this weekend too. Friday I was going to spend some time with Jason, Saturday spend the evening with Jason and Steph brainstorming for that slasher I told myself I'd write a year ago, and Sunday hanging out with Mike and Joe. But that all got canceled. Mike got called into work and Joe canceled because he's Joe and that's what he does. It's happened to me at least 20 times and I still don't expect it. There goes Sunday. Steph got reminded of another party after the one she was getting off early from. That's fine, she had a prior commitment. But Jason got sick.

I've had a cold for a week and I made Jason come over Saturday and Tuesday. So it's my fault he's sick so it's my fault my weekend is shot and I'm not going to be seeing anyone. I was so excited about actually doing something this weekend instead of sitting alone in my room waiting for someone to IM me, call me, or even just talk to me. And I ruined it completely by telling Jason I felt better Tuesday so I could see him. If I didn't get to see Steph, Joe, or Mike it would have been okay because at least Jason would be here to comfort me after a really bad day. So my punishment for being selfish Tuesday is having a miserable weekend.

It's weird how I can be surrounded (kinda) by people and still feel the suffocating blanket of loneliness. I know Jason is there to comfort me. I know I can talk to Steph any time. I know there are other people who would consider having a serious conversation with me. But I still can't help feeling alone sometimes.

It also makes me feel like a big loser. I complain about living at home with my mom when I'm 21 but I don't go out and get a job. None of my friends care enough about me (Jason and Steph aside) to keep a commitment, and I rarely talk to any of my friends except Jason and Steph. Of course there's Matt and all my Internet friends, but they don't count because I never see them. Sometimes I just feel like I'm really not worthy of anyone or anything and I get what I deserve.

I had a point but it got lost somewhere in sorrow and self pity.

Sleepytime!

I've been meaning to blog for a few days, but I have a wicked cold and I haven't really been doing a whole lot of anything. My cold started Sunday, which is also the day Jason and I happened to go to Port Huron. I made him really; I paid for gas and even offered to drive, and if ever offer to drive you know something's wrong (but I won't get into that right now).

We visited our friend Sarah, the girl who repeatedly insisted on me living with her in Port Huron and then changed her mind when I really needed her. Now she has not just one, but two unemployed, homeless people sleeping on her couch. That made me feel pretty bad because I could have had a decent job and been out of there by now.

I'm out of steam. I had more to say, but I think I could use a nap right now.

Also, Jason gets grumpy sometimes!

I Hate You, Dell.

I've been having some problems with my Dell Latitude lately. The power adapter that first came with it had a short just before the piece that plugs into the computer. It slowly died for about a month, working on and off the whole time. That kind of sucked because I really need a computer to do the things I do. That's just how I roll.

Luckily, Jason had a spare adapter from his old Dell. It was a slightly different adapter, but it was the same wattage and it fit my Dell. Kind of. The adapter was designed for a different computer and every time I plugged it into mine, it pushed back the protective plastic sheath just a little bit. At first I didn't notice it, but when the hard plastic plug started coming out of the sheath, it became apparent that there was a problem. I thought if I was just careful with it I could use it for a few more months until I could afford a new one. I was wrong, so now I'm using the 333 until I have the chance to buy a new adapter.

I do have a check for $50 sitting on my TV, but I have no clue how to cash a persona check. I guess I can just go into the bank and find out, but I don't really feel like it today. They close at 5 anyway, and I don't really have a way to get there. I don't know if my ID will be adequate either, because the picture is pretty worn (to the point that it could be a picture of pretty much anyone) and it's a Baker College ID card rather than a state ID or driver's license. I did start both of my accounts with it though, and so far I don't think there have been any problems, not that I actually make any withdrawals or deposits.

I was going to go to Tennessee with Steph, but the van she was going to use broke down, so she left in a different vehicle this morning. It wasn't the short notice that bothered me, but I needed more time to come up with the money to eat on because I used most of it to pay my student loan bill. I would have used the check money to go instead of getting a new adapter because she needed help, but I would have had to cash it this morning. I'll do it eventually, I just don't know when.

Frustration

The overwhelming sense of some unidentified,
Unidentifiable, feeling of general and utterly
Unavoidable wrongness that creeps it's way into
Life at the every inappropriate, inopportune time
Causes a kind of mass panic to happen in my head.
Do I really deserve the possessions
Meager, but absolutely adequate
That have been handed to me without reason?
Is this block in my regular thought process
The result of years of regular self abuse,
Rather than just a short creative doubt?
How much longer can I afford to be
Unfortunately unemployed when
I couldn't even feed myself for
Three days from the Dollar Menu?
Is the four year lack of employment
The result of subconscious sabotage
Or the forced lack of any social experience,
Rather than a lousy job market
In a devastated state?
Where would I be right now if I hadn't made such
Disastrously wrong choices in years past?
And where the Hell am I
Supposed to go from here?

Career Options Ahoy!

Jason and I have been considering a career as Calvin Klein posterboys. What do you guys think?



P.S. Since Eggdisk is down and my Flick profile is public, I hosted this image with Google's Picasa service. It really, really sucks.

Oh, and the image was done by my friend Jacen.

The System is Down

Eggdisk, the file host I use for many of my images and misc. files is down! I don't know what happened, but it's completely dead. I can't connect to the server and all of my links are dead. I tried to contact the owner about it, but his email address is hosted at eggdisk.com, so that didn't go too well. He hasn't logged into any of the social networks under the eggdisk profile since January, and the forums are down. I think I need a new host.

I've also noticed that a lot of people around me are having relationship problems. I've seen 3 different couples break up within 4 days of each other. That really got me thinking about my relationship with Jason. I know he loves me and he'd never do anything to hurt me, but I really need to start treating better. He's coming over today, but my family is here, so we have to leave. That's not fair to Jason because it makes him feel like I'm hiding him, which I am, but I really don't want to. It makes me feel so bad, but there's nothing I can do until I get the Hell out of this house.

I applied at AutoZone the other day and I'm kind of excited about that. I'm also nervous because I don't really know that much about cars and yet, I'm look for a job at an automotive store. I don't even drive and people are going to ask me all kinds of questions about cars and whatnot, and I'm going to have no idea what I'm talking about. But I can do it with a smile.

On a similar note, my cousin (the one who's Geo Metro I kind of broke) just got a Chrysler Seabring convertible for free. It's not a bad car and has leather seats and all that too. My only complaint is that the seatbelts are connected to the seats, which seem awfully flimsy. That and the speakers make the entire door panel vibrate, creating an horrible noise. But that can probably be solved by turning the bass down, but that's not my call.

The first rehearsal for After the Beep is in 2 days and I haven't really fufilled my duties as the costume guy. I emailed people and about half of them got back to me, but a lot of them don't have the full costume they need and it's kind of my job to find it. So now I need to figure out where to get a red hat for the pizza guy (an easy one) and a camouflage shirt (probably at the army surplus store or something). But I think I have it all under control for now. I'll talk to all of the actors when I get there and see where we stand. Also, I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but I'm going to bring my PDA to keep organized. I guess I just forgot I had it since I usually use it as an ebook reader.

INT - RICH'S ROOM - NIGHT

So I didn't drink at the bonfire and I still had a good time. I was in charge of dragging broken tree limbs from the back woods and manning the fire, which was fun. I'd really like to do it more often, but I have few friends I actually hang out with anymore. I really need to fix that or something. But I probably won't and I'll just sit in my room on my computer all day and be miserable. I'm stubborn like that sometimes.

I tried going to sleep hours ago, but that didn't really go so well. I just have a lot of nervous energy tonight even though I'm pretty tired. I had all sorts of ideas that would go great on film (or tape, or disc) and I started writing and wrote INT - DEBBY'S HOUSE - MORNING which quickly changed to EXT - FREEWAY - NIGHT then to EXT- HOUSE - DAWN and back. That's really as far as I got because every time I start writing I can't think of what I want to say, let alone how to say it.

I was going to start my Ubuntu blog again because I kind of want to reinstall Ubuntu and reconfigure my partitions because my current configuration isn't really working that well. As I install everything I can take screenshots as I go and I'll remember a lot of things I need to say. But instead I procrastinated and played Postal 2. Great game, but it's not really helping me get my work done. I don't know what happened; I was doing really well for months, but now I'm back in a spot where I'm just not motivated to do anything. It really hurts because I know I should be out doing stuff, but I'm just not and I don't know why.

What is Family?

There's a white trash family reunion coming up here in a few months. I don't really think I should go if the entire family talks about me behind my back like my mom claims. I don't feel comfortable there and I don't belong. I have nothing in common with any of those people, but still I'm expected to go. They're always awkward and I always worry that the family hates me, but now I know they do.

Did I mention my mom is the one planning it (read: insisting on having it)? She hates everyone in the family for one silly reason or another, but she still wants them to get together. I don't know if she's doing it just to make me uncomfortable or if she actually thinks it's a good idea for some reason. What I do know is that I don't want to have to be around those people, but I can't tell her that because we're all family and she claims that means something.

But it doesn't. If any one of them knew I was gay the entire family would be completely against me, not that they're really on my side now or anything. Even my mom turned on me when she found out, although she won't kick me out because it would make a bad impression on the family. I honestly wish she would just tell me to leave and not take it back because then at least I'd have something to complain about. All this time she claims she's a wonderful parent because I have a roof over my head, but what I really need is someone to tell me I'm not a (failure, monster, horrible person, pervert, waste of space).

On the plus side, I'm going to a bonfire/21st birthday party tonight! On another down side, there's going to be alcohol there and I'd like to have a few drinks (probably not too many) but I don't want Jason to get mad. I know he said it's okay and I know he's trying to help, but it makes me feel weird. Also, if my mom found out even though I'm 21 she'd be pissed off (not that that would actually stop me from doing it). That's kind of ironic because she just yelled at me for not doing "normal stuff" but when I do she yells at me.

I'm going to enjoy myself tonight though. I think I deserve it, although most people probably wouldn't agree with me. I've had a stressful month so far and I think getting out would be good for me.

All My Titles Suck

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I've just been feeling kind of lousy. I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want people to get bored of me or up and leave, so I usually just pretend everything is all fine. But it's not. I struggle every day not to hate myself and every time I make any amount of progress someone comes and knocks me back down. I'm drowning and there's no one here to save me. Jason is going through a similar struggle and it's unfair to ask him to keep us both up.

Apparently my mom's family talks about me behind my back, which is fine. I don't really care what a bunch of white trash pricks say. But my mom does care and she's sick of defending me when "other people are right." She started screaming at me the other day, I'm still not sure why, and it always seems to come back to my relationship with Jason. She said something like "You can move far away and then no one will ever have to know," which made me feel pretty bad. Like I should hide myself from the world because I live around a bunch of assholes.

I haven't felt like doing anything since the last time I blogged, so I let a lot of things slide. I haven't written anything in the 2 weeks and I haven't done what I need to do. I did go to a production meeting for that movie and somehow I got promoted from a PA to costumes, which was kind of discouraging. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't know if I can do it because I have to deal with people that I don't know. But I guess now I have to.

I missed blogging about Jason and my 2nd year anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. We couldn't afford to get each other anything, so I kind of relaxed about that, but Jason got me a card (actually it was a birthday card with birthday crossed out, but the theme did center around 'it made sense when i bought it'). I felt bad because I didn't even think to get him one. We went up to Cheap Charlie's and Jason got the most disgusting, vile, raw steak ever and I got (cooked) steak and ribs. I can't really say that I enjoyed the ribs that much, but the steak was pretty good.

Yesterday I was walking around town and there's a guy I always see riding around town in a wheelchair. I smiled and said hi and he extended his hand and so did I. I should have just kept walking and acted like I couldn't hear him because it turns out he was a Jehovah's Witness and gave me a pamphlet. That was okay though because I didn't have to sit and talk to him or anything.

There was something big at the beginning of the 2 weeks that made me not want to do anything, but I don't remember what it was. It couldn't have been that important or I would have remembered. Either that or my fight the other day really screwed things up.

Home Again

Jason got home on Sunday. I've been meaning to post a picture of us since then, but I've been too excited and busy. It's really great having Jason around again. He's such a sweet guy and makes me so happy. I feel so much better when I can sit down with him and just talk and give him a hug when he needs it.

He's has been really down recently because of events I can't really go into here. He feels like a monster even though he did nothing wrong and is one of the most kind people I know. He's also doubting his screenwriting career, which I completely relate with, but Jason is a great writer! His script is rock solid and hilarious, but some people think it's mean and hateful, so he's abandoning the entire idea. I wish I knew what to say to make him feel better, but I'm bad at the whole boyfriend thing.

I have a meeting on Sunday for that film crew I'm volunteering for. The one where everyone has a ton of experience, but me. They just got a sound guy with a Golden Globe or something. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what they're going to expect of me, but I know I'm not going to be able to meet their expectations. Sometimes I wish I had more reasonable career goals.