It's My Damn Life!

I don't have loving parents. My mom hates everything I do and my dad lets her get away with anything she wants. Occasionally my mom asks if I'm gay. She doesn't do it in a nice 'it's okay if you are and I love you anyway' way. She'll say something like 'you DO like girls, right?' I don't know why, but I always let it get to me. I know she's never going to accept who I am anyway, but I just can't tell her. But I can't keep up this stupid charade anymore either. I don't know what to do.

It's not only that that makes me feel unloved. Today I spilled some coffee in her car. The first thing out of her mouth was 'now I'm going to have to clean the seat.' It's okay that I have a burn on my hand that hurts like Hell, but what will people think when they see the stain? What will god think when he sees it? We all know that people with a coffee stain the size of a dime go to Hell immediately, and it's all my fault. How will I ever live with myself?

Another time when I was in elementary school (I think second grade) there was a bomb threat and we had to evacuate the building. I left my coat inside because we were all in a hurry to stand in the field. My mom drove by on the way to get me and pulled me into the car without even telling the teacher and started yelling at me about leaving my coat inside. I got in trouble with the teacher the next day too.

I've always let the things she says and does get to me, but not any more. I now realize that I have friends who care about me. What the fuck do I need her for? As soon as I get a job I'm getting the Hell out of here and never turning back. Right now I'm going to start living my life the way without worrying about what that mean hateful bitch thinks. I don't care what anyone else thinks either. Why should I try to please her or other people by being everything I hate?

And no, I'm not coming out to her. Some of my friends, yes. But not to her.