You want to meet my girlfriend?

I have a friend coming up from Arizona next month on vacation who wants to hang out. She asked me in an email today if she was going to meet my girlfriend at that time. (my myspace profile declares I'm in a relationship, but not that I'm gay) My first thought was: oh shit, what am I going to do. I contemplated lying, saying my girlfriend skipped out on us to go to a funeral of some relative or another that I doubt the exitance of and making a big deal out of how she makes me hang out with her friends, but never hangs out with mine. I could have been pretty convincing.

But I decided not to lie. This isn't as simple as it sounds because my friend shares and apartment with my ex-girlfriend, and I don't want to hurt her. I did email her today coming out and apologizing. I reassured her I wasn't jerking her around and that I really enjoyed being with her. I feel really bad and I never planned on telling her, but if my friend is going to find out, my ex will know anyway. So I thought it would be best for her to ear it from me first. I mean, she wants to move to LA and I want to move to LA, and if she ever bumped into Jason and me it would be really weird.

So why do I feel so strange right now? I've been waiting for my ex to send me a message for a while just so I can stop worrying about if she hates me or not and I'm stick to my stomach. I don't know why. I've come out to people I know before. Okay, I came out to one person I know before and I'm not sure if he even remembers. I added him to my myspace friends, but I don't know what he thinks about me and I don't want to ask because it would be really weird. Maybe I just don't really want to come out.

But I don't feel like hiding anymore. Why should I be ashamed of myself for something that's not my fault? Are all redheads ashamed of themselves? This is stupid. I'm afraid of my friends, who have never been there for me in my life, won't accept me for who I am. If they don't like me, they can go fuck themselves. It's that simple. No, it's not. If all my friends hate me, I'll have no volunteers for my movies. And it'll be just Jason, his friends, and me.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I think I'll just take a nap and sort things out when I get up.


UPDATE:

Amanda (my ex) doesn't hate me, I feel better, my nap went well, I like myself more, and the world can continue!