The Past Few Days

I've been feeling pretty bad lately and despite numerous cries for help ("I need a hug" in big friendly letters on my myspace page, a bulletin on myspace saying I have everyone, a giant picture of me pointing tinted slightly blue. etc.), no one really seems to notice. A few people asked me if I was okay, but that it. And Jade just hugged me which was really nice, but I've just been feeling really alone lately. I really don't have anyone I can count on. I know I can count on Jason, but there's nothing he can do about my situation.

The day I posted that picture my mom and I had another fight. Obviously my attitude sucks or something (because I told her she has to speak English rather than Gibberish if she wants me to help her) and threatened to kick me out. For the third day in a row. It's no surprise though, I know I'm not wanted in this house. I feel it every day. Yet, she finds it necessary to constantly remind me. And I'm getting sick of it.

So I called Sarah, the girl who offered to let me live with her all those weeks ago. She never called me back, but Jason ended up talking to her and seeing what's going on. After promising many times to let me live with her, her 35 year old, married boyfriend didn't react too well to the idea. If she talked to him before she made all these offers and promises I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Moving in with her was really a last resort. I didn't want to go, and I still don't, but I have to do something. And now there are no options left.

That really hurts, knowing you're not wanted anywhere and you have no one to turn to. For the first time in my life I'm ready to leave this horrid place and no one wants me. These two months I've been worrying about whether it was a mistake to stay here, and now it doesn't matter anyway. Even if I agreed to move in with Sarah, I couldn't have. And now I'm stuck somewhere I'm extremely unwanted. And I can't do anything about it because I can't find a job because I live in a shithole of a town.

I've been depressed since then. I really hate myself. I've lost motivation to do pretty much anything and I'm in the hole I was in a year ago. I really want to feel better, but I can't because every day I'm reminded of how unloved I am. And that makes it hard to love myself.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and worn out. There's so much I want to say, but don't know how to. That's probably the most frustrating thing of all.