A Post That's Not Depressing, but Not Really Interesting

I recently started using a service called Goozex to trade games online. The thing that sets it apart from other trading sites is that you don't have to trade one on one. That means you don't have to find someone who's willing to give you what you want for what you have. On Goozex you trade a game to someone for points that can be used to trade for any game from any user. I've already sent out Chrono Cross and Timesplitters (neither of which I really liked), and once the other users get their games and give me feedback I'll have enough points to get the first two games I want to request: Metal Gear Solid 3 and Ratchet and Clank.

I also want to get DDR Extreme (with the originally enclosed dance pad so people can play with me), Frequency, a new copy of FFVIII, Rez, GTA:London 1969 and Vice City Stories, the new Stuntman game, and Resident Evil Outbreak File #2. That's fewer than half of the games I'm offering, almost all of which are requested. After that I haven't decided yet. I want to get some fun group games.

April is the month of Script Frenzy, a screenwriting competition that I planned on participating in, but now that it's time, I just don't have anything to write about. I wanted to do a film adaptation of Catcher ion the Rye and I've been meaning to reread the book, but I didn't get around to it. I don't really have any ideas for new stories either. Bleh.

Some Days I Feel Like Jumping off the Overpass Onto I-94

This is one of those days.

I think I might to better on mood stabilizers (used to treat some types of bipolar disorder) than antidepressants. I don't know if the pills stopped working because I went off them for 3 days, I got used to them, or I stopped having faith that they would magically work. I'm not even sure if they stopped working at all. I might just be having an off day or two.

Or maybe I could just use some good therapy. I'm willing to try it now, but of course, now I don't know if there's a local mental health clinic with a sliding scale. I want to avoid talking to people I'm close to because it's just awkward. I find it hard to express my feelings to people that know me because I try hard not to offend anyone or step on anyone's toes. I know sometimes it doesn't work, but I do try.

Some days I wake up seriously doubting my worth as a human being to the point where I feel like jumping off the overpass onto I-94. I can't help it. There's no reason or warning. I just do. On days like this it really doesn't help to be reminded how much of a douchebag I am because I already know. Some days all I can think about is how bad of a person I am and how little I'm actually worth. Thanks, but I don't need constant reminders.

On other days I don't really care. I have a sense of humor and can take a joke. You may have seen the image on my myspace. It makes me laugh, most of the time. The same goes for gay jokes. Most of the time they make me laugh, but on off days they really get to me. After a while, on a bad day they'll start to add up and I'll start feeling worse about myself. I try not to say anything because I don't want people to feel like they can't talk to me. A few days later I'll feel better and it won't bother me.

I don't let people know when I feel like shit. Everyone thinks they can tell, but you'd be surprised how good of a front I can put up. I probably should just show how I feel though, because when I already feel bad and people keep picking at the few things I let bother me I tend to lash out at people, whether or not they did anything to me. I know I'm a monster. I'm sorry.

Community Driven Programs

I had to call in sick yesterday because I had the flu/severe cold + food poisoning. I was really looking forward to getting some extra money from the extra hours I worked this week, but even without working yesterday I got a few extra hours, so it's okay. Next week I work Sunday, which I'm really not looking forward to, we don't come in until 7, so it's okay.

I went to Starbucks after work for a Venti Chai Latte and ended up spending $15. In the few minutes it took me to order the drink, the kind folks at DARE set up a little booth outside Target (where Starbbucks is located). I don't want to be one of those people who walk by a charity carrying a $5 cup of coffee and not donate anything, so I ended up buying a shirt that I'm never going to wear. But I feel better about buying the drink.

I got a ride home from some random lady who waved me over from across 23. Apparently I look just like her son, take the same route, and have the same jacket. At first I thought it was Steph's aunt because they drive the same van, but once I was all the way across the street I realized I had no idea who it was. Then she was like "Do you want a ride anyway?" I accepted. Now everyone is like "You took a ride from a stranger!?" It's really weird.

That's all I had to say today. Nothing terribly interesting.

Week 11 Recap

A quick runthrough of my week so far:

Roommates went on vacation, took dog with them.
Started using Twitter again, blogged about it.
Watched a Saw marathon, ended up ordering Saw IV On Demand.
Walked a mile to work in a blizzard, then home again.
Watched Rent, I liked it.
Jason came over, played racquetball and went swimming.
Bought frozen fish and bread on sale, cooked immediately.
Jason and I vlogged, watching it now.
Watched Short Circuit, still enjoy it.
Got Chai Tea at Starbucks in Target, tasted like pumpkin.
Took pictures of Jason and me, turned out decent.
Watched A Walk to Remember, it was decent.
Alarm clock broke, my watch woke me 10 minutes later.
Bought candles at different dollar store, they smell nice.
Cashed check and payed cable bill.
Got new debit card pin, it finally worked.
Decided to move money from savings account to CD.
Did laundry at my mom's house, came home super late.
Made the first blog post this week, nothing special.

My New Widget

I haven't blogged since Saturday because I haven't had anything interesting to say. I finally got the hang of bagging fish at work. I'm still not used to going to bed at 10 to get up at 4:30 after staying up so late for so many years. It completely throws off my day. Jason came over yesterday and I had a lot of fun hanging out around the house with him. That's about all I did this week (as far as I remember).

Since I don't write blog posts when I don't have a whole lot to say, I added a Twitter badge to my sidebar in case anyone is interested in little updates throughout the day. I'll try hard to remember to keep it up. If you want to see more you can go to my Twitter profile. If you want SMS or IM updates, or want to start using Twitter yourself, go to twitter.com and create an account. It's kind of fun.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

This was the first time I worked Saturday since I started. This is also the first time in a while I worked with new people, which was really awkward because Mary didn't even talk to me this morning and I didn't really get a chance to meet any of the people in other departments. Christina did introduce herself right before the morning huddle, which was nice.

They haven't really been giving me much to do at work recently. I've been getting my work done with 2 hours left and nothing to do. Today all I had to do was clean the guinea pig cage (apparently this is done twice a week) and feed the small animals, birds, and reptiles. That took almost exactly 2 hours. I ended up helping Mary put the new pets on the floor, which I'd never done before but is really easy. Then I did dishes for a while. Then I pulled veggie dishes and did more dishes. Fun stuff.

I'm sick of trying to be someone different for everyone I'm around. I don't want to do it anymore, but don't know if I have much of a choice. I can't just say "Just kidding everyone, this is who I really am," and stop pretending. I really don't know what do to. That's it.

I Hate My Blog

I never realized what a boring life I have until I promised to start blogging more regularly. I'm lucky if something noteworthy happens once a week, let alone every day. I spend most of my time sitting around the house doing nothing until I have to go to bed early to go to work early to get home early to do nothing all day. It's really annoying. That's all I have to say. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say.

Mid Morning Huddle

I'm going to start blogging more. The only reason I don't is because I sit around all day playing the Sims and surfing the Internet. I've been able to get relatively creative using the Sims though, so I guess if that's what makes me more productive, it's not really that big of a waste of time. I've been creating a series of houses (none of which are done) for Steph and her finance (in the game) to choose from. It's not really necessary, but it gave me something to do and I'm really satisfied with how they're turning out so far.

I worked with Johnathan again today. He had me cleaning the bird habitat today, which took forever because it was my first time doing it and I couldn't remember where anything went. Also, in the middle of doing dishes the Emma called everyone up for a mid-morning huddle. Amy went over last week's sales and passed out a sheet for us to record how many people we push dog training seminars on, which is kind of difficult considering I'm almost always in the back room. I honestly didn't see a single customer today until I had already punched out.

I guess that's all I had to say. I'm just in a good mood this morning. Maybe it's left over from the great weekend.

Every Avenue

I had a really shitty day at work on Friday. I was having an off day to begin with, I kept making small mistakes, and of course, my manager was there breathing down my neck. First, I forgot to put the stupid vitamin drops in the parakeets' water. Apparently I took too long picking the live crickets out from the dead ones, because Johnathan cam over to tell me to hurry, and what do I do? The second he turns around I drop the crickets (mostly dead now) loudly on the floor. After that I dropped the bin of cricket food, and even though it didn't spill much and no one was around I still felt like an ass.

Then came the hard part. On Fridays we count the fish by SKU (so we have to differentiate between the fish) while they're swimming in the tanks. Some are easy because we only have two or three. The rest are almost impossible to get an accurate count. A lot of our fish come from the same genus, so they look very similar with the exception of one or two markings; hard to count. Some fish are all one color (i.e. black) with no markings at all so I can't tell which ones I already counted; hard to count. Some fish (I'm looking at the guppies) swim around so fast that I can't even guess how many are in the tank. Add my inability to count the stupid fucking fish to my completely inability to concentrate on anything recently.

Then there was the stupid hand activated paper towel holder that some idiot mounted half way over the sink. Every time anyone washes dishes it spits the towels out directly into the sink and it's really annoying, so everyone just stuffs the paper towel back into the machine. But, of course, I'm the only who gets in trouble for it. Johnathan patronizingly told me not to do it and then came back out later and told me not to do it again, because apparently Julie did it too. That was really fucking annoying because all my life I've taken the blame for everything everyone else does and I'm really fucking sick of it.

I'm really starting to hate my manager. He's gone mad with power. While I was there he printed 4 sheets of things we're not supposed to do and made us initial it, threatening to write people up for this and that. I know that when the store isn't functioning right, it reflects on him, but he doesn't have to take everything so personally. Everything I mentioned so far happened between the hours of 5 and 11 Friday morning.

After work Steph, Heather, and I went to get autographs of a local band called Every Avenue. We lined up and I was number 9, but the staff gave us numbers and had us move to watch the band perform. The crowd was incredibly unenthusiastic even though the performance was great. When we lined back up for autographs, a bunch of 13 year old girls pushed in front of us despite the number system. I ended up taking off the shirt Heather bought me for my birthday in the store to get it signed, even though Josh is the only member who signed it (again, because of the 13 year old girls), but that's fine.



The next day we went to see them play at the Crofoot Ballroom in Pontiac. It was easy enough to get there, pretty much a straight shot down Hall Road. We got there an hour early and had to stand around in the cold, so Steph and I went across the street to get some coffee and hot chocolate (which came up to be $13.73 for 4 smalls). We huddled there for the rest of the time and watched the bands unload their stuff.

Four other bands played before Every Avenue, and they were all pretty good. I completely forgot the name of the first band, but the second band was was called Brandenberg and I really liked them. The lead vocalist and the guitarist (I think he was the guitarist) were twin brothers. Steph bought their CD and we listened to it for a while in the car. The third performer was a funny girl with a really great voice and a band called Charlotte Sometimes. The fourth band was mediocre and played some techno.





The rest of the show was great and I had a really good time. I'm really glad I went.

How Did the Pig Tracks Get on the Ceiling?

"I hope I don't work in the fish department. I don't have a choice. I have to do what they tell me. I hate the fucking fish. They're so boring and dull and I don't want to work with them."

Tuesday was the first time I finished all my work on time. It went something like this:
Give the birds water, take the old dishes away. Give the birds food, take the old dishes away. Give the small pets (rodents) water, take the old bottles away. Give the small pets food, take the old dishes away. Catch crickets, feed them to the reptiles. Mist the reptiles. Give the reptiles water, take away the old dishes. Cut up veggies and oranges for the turtle, Mali, birds, and all small pets, but the chinchillas. Wash the dishes. It's a lot more fun than it sounds.

Today I did basically the same thing, but I was scheduled for two extra hours, so I had to work with the fish a little. We get new fish on Thursdays, so we have to catalog, acclimatize, and put them in their tanks. That's never fun. I really do hate working with the fish. They're boring, dull, and always cling to the bags.

I'm thinking of buying a rex rat. Rats are way cooler than other rodents because they're larger, smarter, and a lot less skittish. You can actually sit down and let them sit on your shoulder while you're watching TV without worrying about them getting lost or something. The only problem is that right now I can't really afford one. The rats themselves only cost $10, but the cage I would choose is $100. Food is only $5 and dishes are about $5 each, and I'd need to buy the little guy some fruit, but that wouldn't really cost that much monthly. It's just the cage and toys I can't really afford. I guess I'll just have to wait.

I had a good birthday. My parents came over and brought me a bunch of food and The Simpsons Movie. We watched it and they left. Jason came over and we hang out until he left earlier this afternoon. He got me a nice framed picture of us. Steph picked up a DDR mat for me, which is awesome because I really needed it so I can play again, which I did quite a bit today (mostly after Jason left) and now I'm pretty sore. Heather drove me to work and ordered me an Every Avenue shirt, which is also cool. I'm also pretty strung out on chocolate covered coffee beans that my mom picked up, which is nice because I haven't been able to drink much coffee recently due to my crappy schedule, but I have the next 3 days off.

That's all I've been up to.

Oh, and I need some more hot chocolate.

Hay is for Horses

While I was cleaning out my filing cabinet today I came across a bunch of paperwork from Baker College. It made me realize just how big of a loser I really am. I was doing so good and was less than a year from graduating. I was on the President's list 3 times and was cordially invited to a luncheon at the Fogcutter, which for some selfish reason or another I chose not to attend. I tested out of almost half the classes I needed to take because I actually knew what I was doing. I could have actually And I really fucked that up.

Sometimes I really feel like my life amounts to nothing. I sit around the house all day just to go to bed early so I can get up early to work 4 hours to come home and sit around until I have to go to bed again. I don't think I can afford to go back to college because I don't know if I'll be able to get a loan (federal or otherwise) or the Pell Grant. But if I don't go to college soon I never will and I'll be stuck in a dead end job forever. Some people end up like that, and even though I don't wnat to, I'll probably be one of them.

I'm not saying I don't enjoy my job. I do. I'm just having an off day. I think.

I'll Be Happy Here to Cheer You Up

I think it's about time I got mental help. Let's review the things that are wrong:

I have the hardest time concentrating on my training books. It's not just that I find it boring, because I don't. When I sit in the conference room I can hear all the animals and people on the sales floor and the lousy music they pipe throughout the store. When I'm walking through the aisles, trying to find products, I can't read on label and move on to the next without my mind wandering. I can barely sit down to write a blog post without getting distracted and taking an hour. Where I'm from we call that ADD.

I have the most horrendously rapid mood swings. I'll wake up in the morning either ecstatic or depressed and can't keep a constant mood throughout the day. I'll go from one extreme to the other with no warning and I don't know why. That could be bi-polar disorder, or it could just be me trying to convince myself I'm not depressed.

And I am depressed. Everyone assumed it would end when I moved out of my mom's house, but it hasn't. If anything, I'm more depressed than ever. I try to do things that make me happy; playing games, writing, creating, but nothing helps. I haven't been able to write anything in a while and the only thing I actually made was a new template for my blog. It doesn't help that I'm sensitive to other peoples' emotions and the people around me are almost always in a bad mood.

I'm terrified to be around people. Any time I have to do anything with someone other than my 3 best friends, I get extremely anxious and can barely function. If I were to go out with Mike and Joe I would be nervous. If I went to a small get together I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Now that I work at PetSmart my anxiety gets in the way of my work. I can't even ask my manager a question because I find him intimidating. He's my age and we have similar interests, but he likes to make conversation, and for some reason I can't do that very well. Social anxiety disorder?

I'm tired all the time, even when I get 8+ hours of sleep. There's nothing quite as annoying as waking up at 1 PM feeling more tired than when you went to sleep. This is probably nothing more than caffeine addiction, though.

I know a trip to the doctor could very well clear up all my issues. The problem is that I can't afford consultation and medication without insurance, and I can't afford insurance working part time. If I get insurance I'd be able to get help for my problems and I'd feel so much better, but I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. If I skip the insurance I'll be able to pay bills, but I'll be miserable until I get more hours, find free help, or get a better job. The same applies to car insurance. If I get a car I'll be happier getting up later (I need to get up at 4:30 to be to work at 6), but the cost of insurance is so high I won't be able to pay other bills.

There's one more thing that bothers me. As a blogger I'm incredibly vulnerable. Most of the time I don't know what I can and can't say without stepping on anyone's toes. That's probably why I've slowed way down on my blogging. I don't want to hurt anyone so I hold everything in. Is that bad?

Cars Have Owners, Pets Have Perents

The walk to PetSmart is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's roughly the same distance from my apartment as CVS from my old house, which was the half way point of one of my walks. There are a few things different this time. First, there are very few sidewalks between here and Gratiot. That wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't so much ice and mud. I have to walk across two of the most heavily used expressway onramps in the area. That's a little nerve wracking because people around here drive like morons. Gratiot is easier to cross, but not much, especially since I'm far too impatient to use the cross signal.

Then there's the matter of my shoes. When Emma first told me I'd need a pair of black shoes and khakis I went to the Salvation Army because I didn't really have any money at the time. I ended up with a pair of what seem to be bowling shoes and really seemed to fit when I tried them. Of course, after walking around in them for 7 hours they started rubbing my toes raw and left a huge blister on my left ankle. As I tried to avoid putting pressure on my ankle I think I hurt my leg and misaligned my back or something. And don't even get me started about the mud.

Today wasn't really all that interesting. I signed a dozen papers that I'm not supposed to talk about because of the silly nondisclosure agreement. There's a workbook of about 70 pages that I've been working on. It asks some of the most ridiculous questions such as "What Advanced brand dog food would you suggest for the owner of a rottweiler with joint problems," and I don't know the dog foods off the top of my head, so I have to search all 38 brands of dog food that have a joint health formula. There were a few cat and small animal questions in there too, but the main focus is defiantly dog care.

Those 70 pages are just the basics. The girl training to be a cashier (Michelle) can stop at that. I can't because I'm going to be a pet care specialist. I have 6 more books to go through before I'm qualified to help anyone. Then they want to cross train me to do different stuff, which will take more studying and searching. But as long as they're paying me for studying, I guess I can't really complain that much. Also, I got to bag crickets today, which was an interesting experience.

Benefits. Even as a part time employee I'm eligible for them. The problem is that they'd be taking money out of my check and I can't really afford that at this point. I already (voluntarily) donate $1 of each check to needy animals. I know it's not that much and it's for a really good cause, but that's $52 a year that I could be buying things with. Like shoes so my feet don't hurt as much or a microphone so I can actually do something about becoming a filmmaker.

I do think I'll really enjoy the job once I get past training, though.

I Don't Feel Like Blogging Today

I got the job at PetSmart and start Monday 10-4. I'm not so excited about working the morning shift, but that's life. I got my khakis and black shoes last week, have my driver's license and social security card ready, and am ready to start. I still have to see how long it's going to take to walk there because I really have no idea. I'm not crazy about the idea of walking across Gratiot, but I guess that's life too.

That's all I really have to say. I just thought I'd blog because I haven't in a while.

Goings On

Some days I just don't feel like blogging, and this is one of them. On the other hand I know if I don't force myself to blog I won't keep up with it and this will end up like my 3 other blogs. I've been trying to do so many different things in the past few days that I haven't really accomplished anything useful.

I worked on a short script I was working on a while back, but I still don't have a definitive ending. Another thing I've been doing (when everyone is away) is practicing guitar, but I don't really put enough effort into it to make a difference. I've been meaning to reinstall Windows on my machine because I've been facing a myriad of problems with it, but it's going to take all day and I don't want to go without a functioning computer that long. I promised my aunt I'd send her a letter, but I don't really have much to say to her and I don't really feel motivated to do it.

In case no one noticed, I made some revisions to the design of my blog. I'm trying to go for a shiny silver theme, but I'm not finished. I get bored of CSS very quickly, so I work best in short little bursts. The design will be slowly evolving toward my vision of what it should be, but it won't get there for a while. Sorry for the inconvenience, but that's the only way it's going to get done.

This morning I had an interview at PetSmart as a part time dog trainer. Despite the fact that Emma asked me some of the most stupid questions ever, I think I did well. I have a second interview on Friday at 11:30 with Amy (who I'm assuming is the store manager). I'll have to get a second job to have any kind of money to really spend, but being a part time dog trainer sounds a lot more interesting than being a full time customer service rep.

I like living away from Marine City because there are no people around here to ridicule me all the time. It wasn't just my mom, but my other family and most of my friends too. When I went to my interview this morning I wasn't really nervous. I think it's because I didn't have to come home to people who would make me feel bad for not getting the job. I also feel a lot more comfortable bringing Jason here and that makes me feel good.

Writing a Blog, Not a Script

I've been trying to write for the past few days, but I can't bring myself to do it. That's a big part of why I've been depressed and feel worthless. I sit down to write and open the application, but I just can't get anything out and I don't know why. I remember a time when I could just sit down and write anything I wanted for as long as I needed. I don't know what happened since then, but I don't like it.

I can't even finish any of the shorts I started. I have about a dozen unfinished skits and scripts just sitting on my hard drive doing nothing. I really want to film something soon, but I don't have anything presentable. And every time I do get close top finishing something I'm reminded that I don't have the proper equipment to shoot anything anyway. Maybe I should be a graphic artist instead?

This Post Has No Official Title, So This Will Have to Do

It's been a while since I've blogged because I try to avoid blogging while I'm depressed. I was kind of hoping to get over my depression by now because it's inconvenient to everyone in my life. I apologize to everyone it effects. I'm a pain sometimes, I know.

I moved to that apartment in Chesterfield I blogged about a while ago. It's a pretty nice apartment, but our neighbors are kind of shady. The all seem like really nice people, but they all huddle together and smoke pot on the landing a few feet in front of our door. In broad daylight. That only bothers me when I have to make my way through the cloud of smoke wafting out of the next door neighbor's apartment.

I was scheduled for a job interview at Kmart, but I ran into a huge problem there. Scheduling the interview as a mandatory part of their online application and apparently the automated service doesn't actually notify the store or anything. So when I got there the store manager didn't know what I was talking about and I was kind of embarrassed. I was kind of counting on that job too, but I'm over it now.

And my battery is dying so that's all you get for now. Goodnight everyone.

To All My Friends

I'm not the only one going through some rough times right now. I guess it's kind of selfish complaining about all my meager problems all the time when there are lots of people working through bigger problems. I only wish that I could help people. I mean, I try, but sometimes it seems like that's all I can do.

If anyone ever wants to talk about anything, I'll listen.

filmmakerrich AIM
ipodparodies YIM
bigricch[at]hotmail.com MSN

My Christmas List

You know what? All I want for Christmas is for the people around me to enjoy themselves. But since there's no way in Hell that's going to work out all I want is a hug. Well, a series of hugs, really. I know not many people read this and I only see a few of you on a regular basis, but I what I want from you all is a hug the next time you see me. I'll also accept a cyber hug from my friends across great plains and oceans. ;)

Why I Should Not Have the Right to Get Married

Jason and I can not produce children, and thus Homo Sapiens will remain on the endangered species list and possibly die out by the end of this century.

Marriage is a sacred ritual and the reason we created the government is to ensure I don’t break any of the most popular God’s laws.

The newest version of the Holy Bible says I am an abomination and since it’s been translated between so many languages it must be right.

Christianity as a whole says I’m an abomination and I just happen to be living in a theocracy.

People think what I do with Jason with the door locked, the radio on, and the shades closed is disgusting.

Being gay, I sleep around as much as I’m not in Jason’s pants.

Marrying Jason would destroy what straight people think of their precious ceremony.

Society would never be able to adapt to Jason’s and my marriage.

Giving me the right to marry would be giving me a special right that everyone else has to fight for.

My employer would lose billions of dollars by extending my benefits to Jason.

Being in love is completely unnatural, except for those society chooses.

Being married to Jason would facilitate my raping of a hundred men.

Marrying Jason would help us recruit dozens of straight men into our cult of evil.