I googled slackgeek today because I'm making a userbar (just for myself) and I don't want people to think it's for some other site and getting all disappointed when they end up here. There's a site in Spanish called slackgeek.net, but it looks like a blog, so I'm not worried about confusing people. Interestingly though, Link #8 caught my eye because it seemed all too familiar. I was kind of surprised to show up on the first page, even though I picked a moderately cryptic URL. It's kind of cool either way.
Ooh...#1 on Altavista, oddly followed directly by my Deviantart profile.
I haven't really been doing a whole lot lately. Diablo 2 is up there on my list. I started a new character today and decided that Druid is the most amazing class ever, or at least to begin the game with. Not only is my character pretty strong, but he also has some really nice elementals and some interesting looking shape shifting abilities. It's a great game, but it requires your to sit down and just play for at least 3 hours at a time to really get into it and I just don't have the contiguous free time.
I also made the first post at Ubuntu Beginnings yesterday. It's pretty bland, but you have to crawl before you can walk. I don't want to completely bore people though, and I know I wouldn't come back after reading that. But that's just me.
The problem with having more than one blog is repetition. I keep finding myself saying some of the same things here and at the procrastination blog. But I'll try harder to focus on the issue there, while just being myself here.
So that's a quick update on what's going on with me.
P.S. It's Jason's birthday!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Another Side Project
So I didn't set up my SETI server or LFS system. I want to download Slackware 11 before I start that and Ktorrent keeps crashing my system, so I have to fix that, but I keep getting distracted by a million things. I did do this though. Yes, another blog.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Today, Recapped
You may have noticed that I changed the template to something a little less flashy. Well, something almost nonexistent. You may (or may not) also be wondering where the URL for my blog came from. So I thought I'd talk about that today.
When I was first getting into Linux I was disoriented by the sheer number of distributions available. After I looked through a long list I came across one called Slackware 9.1 (not the Slackware logo I made in the sidebar). The name sounds friendly and easy to use, so I thought I'd give it a shot. It turns out that it's in fact the first, and least user friendly distribution available and gets it's name from the fact that it's so stable you could run it for years with minimal maintenance. So I learned Linux the hard way, and it was the best thing I ever did. The thing I like the best about Slackware is it's minimalism. It doesn't come with a bunch of crap you'll never use and it runs more smoothly than any other OS I've used. So that's what's up with my template.
I also started contributing to SETI@home today. The idea is simple SETI (the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) doesn't have nearly enough data crunching power to examine all the information they collect from their satellites and telescopes, so they let other people do it for them. You install a client on your computer, put in an email address, and they start sending data to you a few megabytes at a time. The client software runs in the background and processes the data using your computer's idle cycles, leaving your computer running without a performance hit. When it finishes processing, it sends the data back and retrieves more, and the cycle continues. I think it's a pretty good use of computing power because I've always been interested in SETI and just the universe in general.
In fact, I'm going to set up a SETI server tomorrow using the 166. I think when I figure out how to make the SETI client use all the available processor cycles it'll get more done than just the idle cycles of my laptop. I'm also going to install Slackware 11 on my 333 and start my Linux from Scratch on a separate partition. I think that would be better than installing the starter OS (which is needed because you need certain software to compile the same certain software), then installing LFS and then removing the original partition.
When I was first getting into Linux I was disoriented by the sheer number of distributions available. After I looked through a long list I came across one called Slackware 9.1 (not the Slackware logo I made in the sidebar). The name sounds friendly and easy to use, so I thought I'd give it a shot. It turns out that it's in fact the first, and least user friendly distribution available and gets it's name from the fact that it's so stable you could run it for years with minimal maintenance. So I learned Linux the hard way, and it was the best thing I ever did. The thing I like the best about Slackware is it's minimalism. It doesn't come with a bunch of crap you'll never use and it runs more smoothly than any other OS I've used. So that's what's up with my template.
I also started contributing to SETI@home today. The idea is simple SETI (the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) doesn't have nearly enough data crunching power to examine all the information they collect from their satellites and telescopes, so they let other people do it for them. You install a client on your computer, put in an email address, and they start sending data to you a few megabytes at a time. The client software runs in the background and processes the data using your computer's idle cycles, leaving your computer running without a performance hit. When it finishes processing, it sends the data back and retrieves more, and the cycle continues. I think it's a pretty good use of computing power because I've always been interested in SETI and just the universe in general.
In fact, I'm going to set up a SETI server tomorrow using the 166. I think when I figure out how to make the SETI client use all the available processor cycles it'll get more done than just the idle cycles of my laptop. I'm also going to install Slackware 11 on my 333 and start my Linux from Scratch on a separate partition. I think that would be better than installing the starter OS (which is needed because you need certain software to compile the same certain software), then installing LFS and then removing the original partition.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Yes, I Realize You're Tired of Hearing Me Bitch
I still don't feel any better. Jason has been really supportive and so have some of my friends, but it's not really helping much. Jason and have been playing this great MMORPG called Conquerer, and it's really taken my mind off things, but it's only temporary. I'm so incredibly tired right now, but I just can't sleep because there's sop much going on inside my head.
I went to a meeting for the movie that a friend is filming. I felt really out of place because everyone else was either going to film school, graduated from Specs Howard, been doing it for years, or at least knew what they were doing. I don't fall into any of those categories. Then when I was introducing myself I got done and the director said (although I'm pretty sure it was to be funny) "And he's our PA?" That really made me feel like an ass. I also don't know what they expect of me and what they want me to do. So, all in all it was a pretty lousy experience, but that's not much of a surprise considering my filmmaking track record.
I've also had one of my mom's friends pestering me over Yahoo Messenger. She'd ask me things like why I don't have a job and a car, if I have a girlfriend, if I have a lot of friends, and things of that nature. It was really annoying because I get enough of that from people who live here and I come into my room just to get away from it, and then I get assaulted online. I think my mom probably coaxed her into bugging me about a job, but I don;t know why she asked me if I have a lot of friends. I guess my mom could have told her I never leave the house, which is mostly true.
It's not my fault my only friends live out of state (I consider the UP out of state because you might as well live in Wisconsin, Julie). I can't help that I'd rather read stuff on the Internet all day and be somewhat social at a select handful of forums than go hang out at Mike's apartment and do nothing. I wish I had more of a life, but I don't. And that's that.
I also spread myself too thin. I'm trying to maintain this blog, Rich Magazine, and that Ubuntu blog I never even ended up starting as well as write a Draia fanfilm, an assload of dramas, a comedy or two, a couple science fiction flicks that I don't have a budget to film, and some skits to put up on youtube. And I've been trying to learn to play guitar for ages, I still haven't gotten HTML down, and I completely forgot about learning C++. But I got all the skill points in Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando. I play mostly when I'm depressed. I'm surprised I'm not playing right now.
I'm also worried that I have no talent, because I really don't. It takes me a year to write anything decent, and it just makes it's way to the round file anyway. I can't motivate people worth shit(I have an experience to prove it), so I'll be a lousy filmmaker. Despite what people think, I'm pretty lousy with computers and have little knowledge apart from tiny tidbits that I gathered in the 3 years I went to school for it. I'm intolerably shy, so I can't really work that well with people. The only thing I can really do is complain. Maybe I should go to school to be a politician.
If I could afford to go back to school. But then I'd have to choose a major and I don't think scapegoat is on the list. I was thinking of a better word, I just can't think of it because I'm terribly tired, but I can't sleep because there are so many things bugging me. None of my friends are online, and I already tried to call Jason. I just want someone to talk to, but this entire half of this stupid rock we inhabit is asleep. But here I am, wide awake and desperate for attention. You can tell I'm desperate because I just tried to IM Joe. And Justin, who I only know from the forum and I doubt really wants to hare about it, but he is really supportive at times. And everyone else who was supposedly online on myspace.
I guess I'll just have to go watch Bart and Homer for a while.
EDIT: And I think I just made Steph feel bad by talking to her about my problems when she has her own. Sorry.
I went to a meeting for the movie that a friend is filming. I felt really out of place because everyone else was either going to film school, graduated from Specs Howard, been doing it for years, or at least knew what they were doing. I don't fall into any of those categories. Then when I was introducing myself I got done and the director said (although I'm pretty sure it was to be funny) "And he's our PA?" That really made me feel like an ass. I also don't know what they expect of me and what they want me to do. So, all in all it was a pretty lousy experience, but that's not much of a surprise considering my filmmaking track record.
I've also had one of my mom's friends pestering me over Yahoo Messenger. She'd ask me things like why I don't have a job and a car, if I have a girlfriend, if I have a lot of friends, and things of that nature. It was really annoying because I get enough of that from people who live here and I come into my room just to get away from it, and then I get assaulted online. I think my mom probably coaxed her into bugging me about a job, but I don;t know why she asked me if I have a lot of friends. I guess my mom could have told her I never leave the house, which is mostly true.
It's not my fault my only friends live out of state (I consider the UP out of state because you might as well live in Wisconsin, Julie). I can't help that I'd rather read stuff on the Internet all day and be somewhat social at a select handful of forums than go hang out at Mike's apartment and do nothing. I wish I had more of a life, but I don't. And that's that.
I also spread myself too thin. I'm trying to maintain this blog, Rich Magazine, and that Ubuntu blog I never even ended up starting as well as write a Draia fanfilm, an assload of dramas, a comedy or two, a couple science fiction flicks that I don't have a budget to film, and some skits to put up on youtube. And I've been trying to learn to play guitar for ages, I still haven't gotten HTML down, and I completely forgot about learning C++. But I got all the skill points in Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando. I play mostly when I'm depressed. I'm surprised I'm not playing right now.
I'm also worried that I have no talent, because I really don't. It takes me a year to write anything decent, and it just makes it's way to the round file anyway. I can't motivate people worth shit(I have an experience to prove it), so I'll be a lousy filmmaker. Despite what people think, I'm pretty lousy with computers and have little knowledge apart from tiny tidbits that I gathered in the 3 years I went to school for it. I'm intolerably shy, so I can't really work that well with people. The only thing I can really do is complain. Maybe I should go to school to be a politician.
If I could afford to go back to school. But then I'd have to choose a major and I don't think scapegoat is on the list. I was thinking of a better word, I just can't think of it because I'm terribly tired, but I can't sleep because there are so many things bugging me. None of my friends are online, and I already tried to call Jason. I just want someone to talk to, but this entire half of this stupid rock we inhabit is asleep. But here I am, wide awake and desperate for attention. You can tell I'm desperate because I just tried to IM Joe. And Justin, who I only know from the forum and I doubt really wants to hare about it, but he is really supportive at times. And everyone else who was supposedly online on myspace.
I guess I'll just have to go watch Bart and Homer for a while.
EDIT: And I think I just made Steph feel bad by talking to her about my problems when she has her own. Sorry.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Update
I've been really depressed for the last couple days and I don't know why. Being away from Jason is part of it, but there's something else. Debby hasn't directly done anything to me for a while, so that's not it. It's just that sometimes people make me feel like everything I do is a waste of time. I make plans to work on a lot of things during the day, but then I let one person ruin all of it. It's partially my fault for spreading myself too thin, but only so much of the blame can go to me. Or maybe it's all my fault. I don't know.
I really do miss Jason. I'd give anything to just be able to sit down with him and play Scrabble or something. We talk every day, but it's not the same.
Somebody...cheer me up. Please?
I really do miss Jason. I'd give anything to just be able to sit down with him and play Scrabble or something. We talk every day, but it's not the same.
Somebody...cheer me up. Please?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Primary Problems
I think I'm about due for another nerdy post,so here I go:
I was all set to create a ghost image of my partition (I even deleted 9 gigs of video that I can now stream online), only to realize one critical detail: Windows locks the hard drive that it runs from, which prevents the complete access that I would need to ghost the partition. No problem. I'll just resize this partition and install another copy of Windows. As an added perk, the image would take up less HD space, letting me backup my Ubuntu partition as well.
Nope. I never planned on creating another partition on this hard drive, so I created 3 primary partitions and an extended one, that others can fit inside. The extended partition acts like a primary partition for backwards compatibility, and the maximum number of primary partitions on an IBM PC hard drive is 4. No problem. I'll move the Ubuntu partition into the excess space from the resized Windows partition, move the extended partition into the space the Ubuntu partition took, make the extended partition take up the remainder of the drive that's now empty, and add a logical partition into the extended partition, thus allowing me to install another copy of Windows.
Nope. Partition Magic refuses to move any of the Ext3 (Linux formatted) partitions, even though it recognizes them and I have the Ext IFS driver installed under Windows. No problem. Pop in the Ubuntu CD and repartition the hard drive.
Nope. Using Windows to repartition the drive apparently made a mess of everything, leaving bits and pieces unaccounted for and just being generally inaccurate. The Ubuntu partitioning utility won't touch it because the NTFS table doesn't line up like it should and this and that. No problem. Delete all the partitions, think it through again, and start all over.
So I will. I don't really want to, but I do have some better ideas and I remember some things I hadn't thought of previously. Since I'm basically using a junk installation of Windows now, this will give me a chance to figure out how to crack all my games so I don't have to do it later. After all, sometimes a No-CD crack is really a Trojan Horse in disguise. Other times it's as simple as copying files from the CD's data folder to the HD and editing a few registry keys. Ahh, how I've missed my adventures into the deep abyss that is the Windows registry.
I also came up with a good use for my old computer. I'm going to build Linux from scratch. Basically, instead of downloading a pre-made distrobution, such as Ubuntu or Slackware, I'll be making my own from the current version of the Linux kernel and whatever I feel like putting in it. I recall a time, in my Slackware days, when I tried to compile the kernel from source (the machine code that makes the program run). I gave up after three days. Wish me luck with this. It should be a really good learning experience though.
Jason has been gone for a whole week now and I really miss him. It's more than just his warm hands on my back or his strong embrace. It's the way he looks at me and the way he makes me feel. I know he misses me too because he's said so every night since he left. I can't wait for him to get back so I can hold him all night. I still maintain my happiness that he got this opportunity though, because he really deserves it.
I wrote an article for Rich Magazine about wifi and I made some userbars, but then something happened. I put it in my signature at the forum, and I suddenly noticed a few more people had them. (I think they all added them the day after) Theirs are all so fancy, and mine are kind of plain. If you want to see them, they're here. I think I'll redesign them, but I don't know what kind of graphic to use because Rich Magazine doesn't have a logo. I guess I could do that tonight instead of lay awake, wondering why I can't sleep.
I also tried to write a little bit today. I want to make a move about a guy orphaned on our planet when he was a child. The thing is: he doesn't know it, but he's been having flashback dreams about it. I don't know how I'll make it and if I'll have actual space travel in the script, although I'd really like to use other planets as a way to ridicule some of the things happening on our own. Sort of the way Douglas Adams did in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, but not on nearly as elaborate a scale. Look forward to the blockbuster hit sometime between next year and 2035, when I think the concept of space travel will be as outdated as all those computer movies from the 80's.
I was all set to create a ghost image of my partition (I even deleted 9 gigs of video that I can now stream online), only to realize one critical detail: Windows locks the hard drive that it runs from, which prevents the complete access that I would need to ghost the partition. No problem. I'll just resize this partition and install another copy of Windows. As an added perk, the image would take up less HD space, letting me backup my Ubuntu partition as well.
Nope. I never planned on creating another partition on this hard drive, so I created 3 primary partitions and an extended one, that others can fit inside. The extended partition acts like a primary partition for backwards compatibility, and the maximum number of primary partitions on an IBM PC hard drive is 4. No problem. I'll move the Ubuntu partition into the excess space from the resized Windows partition, move the extended partition into the space the Ubuntu partition took, make the extended partition take up the remainder of the drive that's now empty, and add a logical partition into the extended partition, thus allowing me to install another copy of Windows.
Nope. Partition Magic refuses to move any of the Ext3 (Linux formatted) partitions, even though it recognizes them and I have the Ext IFS driver installed under Windows. No problem. Pop in the Ubuntu CD and repartition the hard drive.
Nope. Using Windows to repartition the drive apparently made a mess of everything, leaving bits and pieces unaccounted for and just being generally inaccurate. The Ubuntu partitioning utility won't touch it because the NTFS table doesn't line up like it should and this and that. No problem. Delete all the partitions, think it through again, and start all over.
So I will. I don't really want to, but I do have some better ideas and I remember some things I hadn't thought of previously. Since I'm basically using a junk installation of Windows now, this will give me a chance to figure out how to crack all my games so I don't have to do it later. After all, sometimes a No-CD crack is really a Trojan Horse in disguise. Other times it's as simple as copying files from the CD's data folder to the HD and editing a few registry keys. Ahh, how I've missed my adventures into the deep abyss that is the Windows registry.
I also came up with a good use for my old computer. I'm going to build Linux from scratch. Basically, instead of downloading a pre-made distrobution, such as Ubuntu or Slackware, I'll be making my own from the current version of the Linux kernel and whatever I feel like putting in it. I recall a time, in my Slackware days, when I tried to compile the kernel from source (the machine code that makes the program run). I gave up after three days. Wish me luck with this. It should be a really good learning experience though.
Jason has been gone for a whole week now and I really miss him. It's more than just his warm hands on my back or his strong embrace. It's the way he looks at me and the way he makes me feel. I know he misses me too because he's said so every night since he left. I can't wait for him to get back so I can hold him all night. I still maintain my happiness that he got this opportunity though, because he really deserves it.
I wrote an article for Rich Magazine about wifi and I made some userbars, but then something happened. I put it in my signature at the forum, and I suddenly noticed a few more people had them. (I think they all added them the day after) Theirs are all so fancy, and mine are kind of plain. If you want to see them, they're here. I think I'll redesign them, but I don't know what kind of graphic to use because Rich Magazine doesn't have a logo. I guess I could do that tonight instead of lay awake, wondering why I can't sleep.
I also tried to write a little bit today. I want to make a move about a guy orphaned on our planet when he was a child. The thing is: he doesn't know it, but he's been having flashback dreams about it. I don't know how I'll make it and if I'll have actual space travel in the script, although I'd really like to use other planets as a way to ridicule some of the things happening on our own. Sort of the way Douglas Adams did in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, but not on nearly as elaborate a scale. Look forward to the blockbuster hit sometime between next year and 2035, when I think the concept of space travel will be as outdated as all those computer movies from the 80's.
Friday, January 05, 2007
My New Toy
It's been pretty hectic around here since Christmas. I spent a lot of time with Jason since then because he left for New York yesterday. I know it's only been 48 hours since the last time I was with him, but I really really miss him. It's going to be a long four months, but I'll make it through because I love Jason and I know he loves me too. I can't wait for him to come home so I can wrap my arms around him and give him a great big kiss.
I still haven't moved out, but I am still considering it. I know occasionally drives his dad's van and I think I could talk him into helping me if I need. I'll give it some time and if things get worse around here, I'll leave.
Jason gave me a laptop, which was really generous of him. The first thing I did, naturally, was install Ubuntu. It runs really well, but I can't get the PCMCIA Wifi card to work. It uses Realtek's RTL8185 chipset, which there is an official driver for, but it's a bitch to compile and has issues working with Debian (and Debian based) distrobutions. I also tried using NDISwrapper, which allows you to use a Windows compatible driver for the card and emulate the Windows functionality using a few obscure APIs. That didn't work, and I don't know why because I'm not terribly familiar with the software. There's an unofficial, open source driver, which also didn't work. Basically if I don't get this card to work I can just buy a new card based on the Linux friendly chipset.
I also installed Windows so I can play games. That went pretty well too, eventually. Let's just say Microsoft's piracy countermeasures hurt legitimate users too. I am having a problem with static in the audio though. I know it's a software issue because it works just fine under Ubuntu, and I think it worked before I updated the audio driver from Dell's site. I tried to do a driver rollback, but it didn't give me the option, so I uninstalled the device, but it repeatedly kept returning. But I can access my network and the Internet, so I'm happy.
I also wanted to make a ghost image of my OS partitions so I won't have to reinstall and reconfigure Windows and (unlikely) Linux when I decide I need a fresh start. The problem is that none of the programs I looked at eliminate the free space from the copy, so I'll need 15 GB of free space just to back up my less than 3 gig Windows installation. I'm pretty sure the new version of Norton Ghost has this feature, but I don't have the $60 to shell out. But I really do want to back up the installation of Windows before the performance starts degrading. Hmph.
I've been trying to write over the past few days. I really need to get going on Rich Magazine and Ubuntu Beginnings (I started that one a LONG time ago). I don't know why, but I just don't feel motivated to do anything right now. It could be because I was preocupied with a new computer to play around with and Jason's leaving, but I don't know. I'm also in the middle of writing several movie scripts and a few shorts. You'd think now that I can leave my room and still use a computer I'd get more done, but I'm really not. I know! It could be because my mom's been home and she makes me nervous.
That's about it. Have a good week everyone.
I still haven't moved out, but I am still considering it. I know occasionally drives his dad's van and I think I could talk him into helping me if I need. I'll give it some time and if things get worse around here, I'll leave.
Jason gave me a laptop, which was really generous of him. The first thing I did, naturally, was install Ubuntu. It runs really well, but I can't get the PCMCIA Wifi card to work. It uses Realtek's RTL8185 chipset, which there is an official driver for, but it's a bitch to compile and has issues working with Debian (and Debian based) distrobutions. I also tried using NDISwrapper, which allows you to use a Windows compatible driver for the card and emulate the Windows functionality using a few obscure APIs. That didn't work, and I don't know why because I'm not terribly familiar with the software. There's an unofficial, open source driver, which also didn't work. Basically if I don't get this card to work I can just buy a new card based on the Linux friendly chipset.
I also installed Windows so I can play games. That went pretty well too, eventually. Let's just say Microsoft's piracy countermeasures hurt legitimate users too. I am having a problem with static in the audio though. I know it's a software issue because it works just fine under Ubuntu, and I think it worked before I updated the audio driver from Dell's site. I tried to do a driver rollback, but it didn't give me the option, so I uninstalled the device, but it repeatedly kept returning. But I can access my network and the Internet, so I'm happy.
I also wanted to make a ghost image of my OS partitions so I won't have to reinstall and reconfigure Windows and (unlikely) Linux when I decide I need a fresh start. The problem is that none of the programs I looked at eliminate the free space from the copy, so I'll need 15 GB of free space just to back up my less than 3 gig Windows installation. I'm pretty sure the new version of Norton Ghost has this feature, but I don't have the $60 to shell out. But I really do want to back up the installation of Windows before the performance starts degrading. Hmph.
I've been trying to write over the past few days. I really need to get going on Rich Magazine and Ubuntu Beginnings (I started that one a LONG time ago). I don't know why, but I just don't feel motivated to do anything right now. It could be because I was preocupied with a new computer to play around with and Jason's leaving, but I don't know. I'm also in the middle of writing several movie scripts and a few shorts. You'd think now that I can leave my room and still use a computer I'd get more done, but I'm really not. I know! It could be because my mom's been home and she makes me nervous.
That's about it. Have a good week everyone.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Today's Cry for Attention
Until just a few hours ago I was incredibly excited about going to Jason's friend's New Year's Eve party. That was before I told my mom about it. She was okay with me going to a party until I told her I was going with Jason. Then she immediately said this is why she wanted me to get my permit and said something about morals or morality. I can't remember because I was too busy being hurt by her sudden change in attitude. And people think I hate the holidays for no reason.
She also has an issue with my door being closed. But this only applies when people are staying here overnight, which seems to be happening an awful lot lately. She would rather make my life completely miserable than have someone discover that she raised a dirty faggot. I know that's what she thinks because I've been around my granfather enough to know how she was raised. It really sucks being white trash, and I'm stuck here in the middle of this shit, which isn't fair. It wasn't my choice to be white trash, just like it's not my choice to be gay.
But she acts like it is. There was this event about a month ago that I didn't blog about because I was hurt too much. My mom and I were arguing about something stupid (I think it was cookie cutters) and I must have made her really mad because she followed me into my room, slammed the door and started yelling about how one day she'll be my only friend. First off, that's complete bullshit because she's not even close to being a friend now and second, I have lots of people I can turn to (kind of). But when I asked her why she was trying to make me feel bad and she turned right around and claimed that I made myself feel that way because of the choices I made. That hurt me so bad that I didn't come out of my room or even talk to anyone for two days and then she got mad at me for being hurt. That is fucking bullshit no matter how you look at it.
It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I was the only one affected. But every time she does something to me it hurts Jason just as much. That's what really gets me. I really hate telling him things that happen, but he insists it's better to be honest and I don't want to leave him out of my life, but I don't want to tell him just for him to get hurt. It's even gotten to the point where he feels unwelcome at my house (he even told me so), and to be perfectly honest, so do I. And even though I'm not the one hurting Jason and myself, I am mostly to blame.
I had every chance to get out of here. Jason (and everyone else in my life) has been pushing me so hard to leave, but I don't think I can. One thing I just thought about today is my student loan bill. I still owe them $800 and unless I get a job in the first week after moving, I'm going to have to skip a few payments. I really don't want to do that. And I know I can't rely on my dad to pay it every week because I practically have to kiss his ass to get him to pay it on time now. It may seem like a stupid reason to stay here to most people, but remember: I'm terrified about not having enough money to cover my bills.
I don't know how to tell my mom I'm leaving either. She's going to get mad and make it all about her. She'll probably even say some mean things about Jason and me that'll make me feel horrible and I'll sit alone in my dark room and not want to do anything, let alone move. Even if she doesn't say anything about me I'm pretty sure she thinks she's doing the right thing when she says mean things. That means when I move out she'll be hurt and I'll feel even worse than I do now.
And once I move out, there's no real reason for me to feel better. The things she's said and done to me are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I still think about the time she accused me of plagiarism because I got an A on my English paper, and that was 7 years ago. I still remember the time she and my dad yelled at each other about me in the car, on the way to the sport store, on my birthday. She denies all these things, but I remember them like they were this morning. And they all still hurt just as much as they did all those years ago. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt very deep.
And now I'm pretty much out of time to move out. Jason leaves for New York in 6 days and I can't think of anyone else who would help me move 40 miles at the drop of a hat. And even if I did, I don't have anywhere to put all my extra stuff. Sarah doesn't really have that much space in her apartment and I don't actually want to take up any of it. I'll feel like an inconvenience even if I do only take up a little space. I just don't want to intrude on her private space.
I know I can make excuses all day, but I really don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get out of here more than I want anything else. But....That's as far as I got. I know I want to leave, but I can't and I don't know why. You have no idea how frustrating that is. Maybe you do, I don't know. Some of you probably do.
On top of all that, Jason is leaving. I'm not going to see him for 4 whole months, and I don't want to do that. As much as I want him to go, I want him to stay here with me twice as much. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want to live without seeing his beautiful smile, hearing him laugh when I tickle him, and just being able to lay there next to his warm body. I really regret all the times he wanted to cuddle and I didn't feel like it because now I'm not going to get the chance for a third of a year.
But I truly am excited for Jason's opportunity. People would kill for a chance like this, and Jason is lucky enough to get it. In this business it really is all about who you know and this is Jason's foot in the door. The connections he builds while he's in New York will last the rest of his life. I'm really happy that Jason gets to go do this because he really deserves it. I just hope he still feels the same way about me when he gets home.
The past few weeks haven't been all bad. I got to see Amanda and Sean the other day. It was my first time meeting Sean and the first thing he said was "Hey, it's that famous guy!" At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but it turns out he has a copy of The Rich Show, and I guess he liked it. We all hung out at the Raven coffee shop in Port Huron and we didn't talk about much, but it was fun.
I also got to hang out with Steph yesterday. We were going to work on her movie, but none of us really felt like it, so we went to Taco Bell and saw Black Christmas instead. It was an average, run of the mill slasher flick, but I really liked it because it summed up my feelings about Christmas rather nicely.
That's all I have to say today. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad or anything. I just wanted to get some things off my chest.
She also has an issue with my door being closed. But this only applies when people are staying here overnight, which seems to be happening an awful lot lately. She would rather make my life completely miserable than have someone discover that she raised a dirty faggot. I know that's what she thinks because I've been around my granfather enough to know how she was raised. It really sucks being white trash, and I'm stuck here in the middle of this shit, which isn't fair. It wasn't my choice to be white trash, just like it's not my choice to be gay.
But she acts like it is. There was this event about a month ago that I didn't blog about because I was hurt too much. My mom and I were arguing about something stupid (I think it was cookie cutters) and I must have made her really mad because she followed me into my room, slammed the door and started yelling about how one day she'll be my only friend. First off, that's complete bullshit because she's not even close to being a friend now and second, I have lots of people I can turn to (kind of). But when I asked her why she was trying to make me feel bad and she turned right around and claimed that I made myself feel that way because of the choices I made. That hurt me so bad that I didn't come out of my room or even talk to anyone for two days and then she got mad at me for being hurt. That is fucking bullshit no matter how you look at it.
It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I was the only one affected. But every time she does something to me it hurts Jason just as much. That's what really gets me. I really hate telling him things that happen, but he insists it's better to be honest and I don't want to leave him out of my life, but I don't want to tell him just for him to get hurt. It's even gotten to the point where he feels unwelcome at my house (he even told me so), and to be perfectly honest, so do I. And even though I'm not the one hurting Jason and myself, I am mostly to blame.
I had every chance to get out of here. Jason (and everyone else in my life) has been pushing me so hard to leave, but I don't think I can. One thing I just thought about today is my student loan bill. I still owe them $800 and unless I get a job in the first week after moving, I'm going to have to skip a few payments. I really don't want to do that. And I know I can't rely on my dad to pay it every week because I practically have to kiss his ass to get him to pay it on time now. It may seem like a stupid reason to stay here to most people, but remember: I'm terrified about not having enough money to cover my bills.
I don't know how to tell my mom I'm leaving either. She's going to get mad and make it all about her. She'll probably even say some mean things about Jason and me that'll make me feel horrible and I'll sit alone in my dark room and not want to do anything, let alone move. Even if she doesn't say anything about me I'm pretty sure she thinks she's doing the right thing when she says mean things. That means when I move out she'll be hurt and I'll feel even worse than I do now.
And once I move out, there's no real reason for me to feel better. The things she's said and done to me are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I still think about the time she accused me of plagiarism because I got an A on my English paper, and that was 7 years ago. I still remember the time she and my dad yelled at each other about me in the car, on the way to the sport store, on my birthday. She denies all these things, but I remember them like they were this morning. And they all still hurt just as much as they did all those years ago. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt very deep.
And now I'm pretty much out of time to move out. Jason leaves for New York in 6 days and I can't think of anyone else who would help me move 40 miles at the drop of a hat. And even if I did, I don't have anywhere to put all my extra stuff. Sarah doesn't really have that much space in her apartment and I don't actually want to take up any of it. I'll feel like an inconvenience even if I do only take up a little space. I just don't want to intrude on her private space.
I know I can make excuses all day, but I really don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get out of here more than I want anything else. But....That's as far as I got. I know I want to leave, but I can't and I don't know why. You have no idea how frustrating that is. Maybe you do, I don't know. Some of you probably do.
On top of all that, Jason is leaving. I'm not going to see him for 4 whole months, and I don't want to do that. As much as I want him to go, I want him to stay here with me twice as much. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want to live without seeing his beautiful smile, hearing him laugh when I tickle him, and just being able to lay there next to his warm body. I really regret all the times he wanted to cuddle and I didn't feel like it because now I'm not going to get the chance for a third of a year.
But I truly am excited for Jason's opportunity. People would kill for a chance like this, and Jason is lucky enough to get it. In this business it really is all about who you know and this is Jason's foot in the door. The connections he builds while he's in New York will last the rest of his life. I'm really happy that Jason gets to go do this because he really deserves it. I just hope he still feels the same way about me when he gets home.
The past few weeks haven't been all bad. I got to see Amanda and Sean the other day. It was my first time meeting Sean and the first thing he said was "Hey, it's that famous guy!" At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but it turns out he has a copy of The Rich Show, and I guess he liked it. We all hung out at the Raven coffee shop in Port Huron and we didn't talk about much, but it was fun.
I also got to hang out with Steph yesterday. We were going to work on her movie, but none of us really felt like it, so we went to Taco Bell and saw Black Christmas instead. It was an average, run of the mill slasher flick, but I really liked it because it summed up my feelings about Christmas rather nicely.
That's all I have to say today. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad or anything. I just wanted to get some things off my chest.
Monday, December 25, 2006
It's Christmastime
I thought that maybe I would get a chance to just be happy on Christmas. What was I thinking? I should have known my mom would start her shit. She always tells herself (and everyone around her) that I'm going to grow up, marry a girl, have kids, and live a perfect little life that she invented for me. It makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I have to pretend that I'm something I'm not for the rest of my life and I don't think I can do that.
I've been writing more since I got back from Houghton. It really was nice to just get out of the house for a while. I had a really great time even though I'm really shy and I didn't really say a whole lot. But I had a good time anyway.
I just completely ran out of things to say. Have a great holiday season everyone.
I've been writing more since I got back from Houghton. It really was nice to just get out of the house for a while. I had a really great time even though I'm really shy and I didn't really say a whole lot. But I had a good time anyway.
I just completely ran out of things to say. Have a great holiday season everyone.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Tag: Delayed Reaction
I got caught up in a game of tag going around Blogger, being tagged by my friend, and the first person to ever comment on my blog Jade. Now I have to list 5 things my readers might not know about me, so here it goes.
1. I'm terrified of handling money. I think it's because my parents never had any money when I was a kid and they always yelled at each other about it. Now whenever I go into a store I get terribly nervous if I have less than four or five times what I'm spending. I also worry about bills from the day I pay it until the day the next one arrives.
2. Even though I act it, I'm not really the creative type. Sure, I have ocasional bursts of creativity, but what I blame on writer's block is actually normal for me. I can visualise vivid details of what I'd like to see, but I can never go any farther than that. I can't communicate them, and most of the things I think of are random, completely unrelated tid bits.
3. I can't touch type. Most people wouldn't really care, but I take great pride in being a geek and I can't even type without looking at the keys. On top of that, I get extremely self concious when people watch me type and I make a ton of mistakes, especially if I'm trying to avoid looking at the keys.
4. I have poor sleeping habits. I might not even suffer from insomnia like I tend to talk about. The truth is that I usually stay on my computer until 3 AM because I'm afraid of just laying down and thinking. I also eat and drink right before bed because I get hungry. And I don't associate my bed with only sleeping. It's basically a giant chair/table.
5. I'm a vouyer. I love listening to what people have to say. I watch people's vlogs and I read blogs, but I rarely post anything myself (except for here) or respond to other peoples' posts. I just find peoples' storeis really interesting.
In other news, I'm currently at Michigan Technicological Institute in Houghton, MI. It was an 8 hour drive (of wihich a countless number were trees), and they don't even have a decent mall! I can't really say I expected them to because it's in the northwestern most tip of the upper peninsula and there is nothing around. It's freezing and I don't know anyone here, but I'm really enjoying myself. It's really nice being out of the house and away from everything that bothers me.
I really do miss Jason though. He's leaving for New York in less than two weeks and I'm all the way up here away from him. I don't know what I'm going to do the whole three months he's gone because right now we've been apart for so long that I can't stand it.
Other than that, I'm feeling a lot better than I have been recently. I got to sleep last night without even worrying about anything. I did toss and turn a little though because it was way too cold in the dorm because of a giant, gaping crack in the window, but that's just fine. I really like it up here becacuse it's nice an quiet, but not so much that there's nothing here. I'd still rather live in Port Huron though.
1. I'm terrified of handling money. I think it's because my parents never had any money when I was a kid and they always yelled at each other about it. Now whenever I go into a store I get terribly nervous if I have less than four or five times what I'm spending. I also worry about bills from the day I pay it until the day the next one arrives.
2. Even though I act it, I'm not really the creative type. Sure, I have ocasional bursts of creativity, but what I blame on writer's block is actually normal for me. I can visualise vivid details of what I'd like to see, but I can never go any farther than that. I can't communicate them, and most of the things I think of are random, completely unrelated tid bits.
3. I can't touch type. Most people wouldn't really care, but I take great pride in being a geek and I can't even type without looking at the keys. On top of that, I get extremely self concious when people watch me type and I make a ton of mistakes, especially if I'm trying to avoid looking at the keys.
4. I have poor sleeping habits. I might not even suffer from insomnia like I tend to talk about. The truth is that I usually stay on my computer until 3 AM because I'm afraid of just laying down and thinking. I also eat and drink right before bed because I get hungry. And I don't associate my bed with only sleeping. It's basically a giant chair/table.
5. I'm a vouyer. I love listening to what people have to say. I watch people's vlogs and I read blogs, but I rarely post anything myself (except for here) or respond to other peoples' posts. I just find peoples' storeis really interesting.
In other news, I'm currently at Michigan Technicological Institute in Houghton, MI. It was an 8 hour drive (of wihich a countless number were trees), and they don't even have a decent mall! I can't really say I expected them to because it's in the northwestern most tip of the upper peninsula and there is nothing around. It's freezing and I don't know anyone here, but I'm really enjoying myself. It's really nice being out of the house and away from everything that bothers me.
I really do miss Jason though. He's leaving for New York in less than two weeks and I'm all the way up here away from him. I don't know what I'm going to do the whole three months he's gone because right now we've been apart for so long that I can't stand it.
Other than that, I'm feeling a lot better than I have been recently. I got to sleep last night without even worrying about anything. I did toss and turn a little though because it was way too cold in the dorm because of a giant, gaping crack in the window, but that's just fine. I really like it up here becacuse it's nice an quiet, but not so much that there's nothing here. I'd still rather live in Port Huron though.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I Honestly Can't Think of a Title That Would Do This Entry Justice, Not That There's Anything Terribly Special About This Entry
I think I've made a major breakthrough with my depression. I just realized that I've been so worked up about what I have to write for this and that and what I feel like I need to do that I haven't done anything I actually want to do in quite a while, and now it's caught up with me. I think that could be why I sit in front of my computer for hours at a time trying to write, but instead staring into the monitor.
So I'm compiling a list of things I feel like doing. In my next post I'll leave off the things that I actually did for myself, and maybe add a few more as I think of them so I can keep track of what I'm doing. So, here it is:
1. Take some good photos around town (I've always wanted to be a photographer)
2. Get some good exercise (Maybe something more than just a walk)
3. Get in touch with some old friends (Probably Mike and Joe, but who knows)
4. Explore downtown Port Huron (For some reason Water Street fascinates me)
5. Pick up Yoga (no pressure this time, just for fun)
6. Build something (something tangible)
7. Weed through my music collection (I've been downloading faster than I can enjoy)
8. Draw (again, no pressure)
9. Sit down and read the Sunday paper (I'm usually preoccupied with the Internet)
10. Make a new friend (I always wanted to do that)
That's it. If I can do just a few of these 10 things, I think I could be a lot happier. Note that I didn't mention writing at all. Maybe it's a sign?
Special thanks to Matt Jones for making me wonder why I don't do more things for myself.
So I'm compiling a list of things I feel like doing. In my next post I'll leave off the things that I actually did for myself, and maybe add a few more as I think of them so I can keep track of what I'm doing. So, here it is:
1. Take some good photos around town (I've always wanted to be a photographer)
2. Get some good exercise (Maybe something more than just a walk)
3. Get in touch with some old friends (Probably Mike and Joe, but who knows)
4. Explore downtown Port Huron (For some reason Water Street fascinates me)
5. Pick up Yoga (no pressure this time, just for fun)
6. Build something (something tangible)
7. Weed through my music collection (I've been downloading faster than I can enjoy)
8. Draw (again, no pressure)
9. Sit down and read the Sunday paper (I'm usually preoccupied with the Internet)
10. Make a new friend (I always wanted to do that)
That's it. If I can do just a few of these 10 things, I think I could be a lot happier. Note that I didn't mention writing at all. Maybe it's a sign?
Special thanks to Matt Jones for making me wonder why I don't do more things for myself.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Slimming Down
Starting today I'm going to get more exercise. I'm going to try eating less junk food too, but I think I'll start with one thing at a time. So after I finish this I'm going for a nice long walk, assuming it's not too cold out. Eh, it's 50 degrees. I think I'll be okay.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
My Half Assed Rant
"I don't care how cute kids are and how great it is to have them. I'm gay. I like sleeping with guys. I'm madly in love with Jason. I have absolutely no interest in women and their twats. Leave me alone and let me be happy."
I wish I could say something like that to my mom. She keeps inviting my cousins and their toddlers over and I think she thinks it'll magically make me straight. She even lets them stay the night so Jason and I feel uncomfortable. Last night we couldn't even be alone in my own room and it's not fair to either of us.
I don't even know why I'm complaining. I'm the one who's still here. I'm the one who won't leave. I'm the one who is too afraid to get on with his life. I think that's why I was so upset last night (you really don't need details). I am feeling better today though, and I think I'm going to have some brighter days ahead. :)
Yesterday I went to Target and got $20 back on the DVD player I bought my parents and bought my aunt and Jason a gift. But Jason knows what it is, so I want to get him something different. It's funny because last year he was like this and it turns out that when I have money I'm the same way. Oh, and I just remembered that I forgot to feed Jason.
Even thought I'm in a pretty good mood, I still can't think of anything to write. I think I just need some more time off, or to start a project that I'd be more interested in. I'll look into that. Everyone else, have a great day!
I wish I could say something like that to my mom. She keeps inviting my cousins and their toddlers over and I think she thinks it'll magically make me straight. She even lets them stay the night so Jason and I feel uncomfortable. Last night we couldn't even be alone in my own room and it's not fair to either of us.
I don't even know why I'm complaining. I'm the one who's still here. I'm the one who won't leave. I'm the one who is too afraid to get on with his life. I think that's why I was so upset last night (you really don't need details). I am feeling better today though, and I think I'm going to have some brighter days ahead. :)
Yesterday I went to Target and got $20 back on the DVD player I bought my parents and bought my aunt and Jason a gift. But Jason knows what it is, so I want to get him something different. It's funny because last year he was like this and it turns out that when I have money I'm the same way. Oh, and I just remembered that I forgot to feed Jason.
Even thought I'm in a pretty good mood, I still can't think of anything to write. I think I just need some more time off, or to start a project that I'd be more interested in. I'll look into that. Everyone else, have a great day!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
What a Wonderful Month
I've been having a lousy December so far.
I'm experiencing horrible writer's block and I promised to write some articles for GBLNetwork. I don't even write anything for my magazine or my blog anymore. Now I feel like an ass because the owner of the site was really hurting for some content and I failed to deliver any. There were about 6 articles, which was okay, but I still would have liked to write something for launch.
I'm also completely out of money and really bummed out about it. If I could get to Target in Port Huron I could get an extra $20 because the DVD player I bought went on sale, but I can't get there and I don't want to ask Jason because he already took me up there to do my shopping. I don't want to ask too much. I had all these ideas about what to get him, but now I can't afford any of them and it kind of makes me feel like a failure. This is just one of the many reasons I hate Christmas.
It's not Jason's fault I feel like a failure though. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and even though she got a lot of nice stuff, she still found something to yell at my dad about. I feel like that's kind of my fault too, because she used to yell at me all the time when I was a kid, but I don't put up with it anymore and I yell back. So now she yells at my dad about everything because he won't fight back and it's my fault.
I also need to move out and I feel like I can't. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I'd feel really guilty leaving and my mom would tell my aunt it's her fault and it's not. I really don't want to put her through it. And if I leave before Christmas my mom would never let me forget about it.
But the main reason I'm depressed is because I want to be with Jason. I want Jason and I to just be happy together, but we can't because my mom makes me feel bad and I don't know how to deal with it. I blame this stupid country I live in that's run by a bunch of idiot religious red necks with antiquated ideals. Everyone wants this country to be something that it's not and I'm the one suffering. (How's that for self- centered?) I just want to be able to give Jason all my love without constantly worrying about what other people think. It's not fair.
Oh, and I have a cold and my uncle died last Sunday. Don't even get me started about my mom's completely inappropriate behavior at the showing and funeral.
I'm experiencing horrible writer's block and I promised to write some articles for GBLNetwork. I don't even write anything for my magazine or my blog anymore. Now I feel like an ass because the owner of the site was really hurting for some content and I failed to deliver any. There were about 6 articles, which was okay, but I still would have liked to write something for launch.
I'm also completely out of money and really bummed out about it. If I could get to Target in Port Huron I could get an extra $20 because the DVD player I bought went on sale, but I can't get there and I don't want to ask Jason because he already took me up there to do my shopping. I don't want to ask too much. I had all these ideas about what to get him, but now I can't afford any of them and it kind of makes me feel like a failure. This is just one of the many reasons I hate Christmas.
It's not Jason's fault I feel like a failure though. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and even though she got a lot of nice stuff, she still found something to yell at my dad about. I feel like that's kind of my fault too, because she used to yell at me all the time when I was a kid, but I don't put up with it anymore and I yell back. So now she yells at my dad about everything because he won't fight back and it's my fault.
I also need to move out and I feel like I can't. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I'd feel really guilty leaving and my mom would tell my aunt it's her fault and it's not. I really don't want to put her through it. And if I leave before Christmas my mom would never let me forget about it.
But the main reason I'm depressed is because I want to be with Jason. I want Jason and I to just be happy together, but we can't because my mom makes me feel bad and I don't know how to deal with it. I blame this stupid country I live in that's run by a bunch of idiot religious red necks with antiquated ideals. Everyone wants this country to be something that it's not and I'm the one suffering. (How's that for self- centered?) I just want to be able to give Jason all my love without constantly worrying about what other people think. It's not fair.
Oh, and I have a cold and my uncle died last Sunday. Don't even get me started about my mom's completely inappropriate behavior at the showing and funeral.
Monday, November 27, 2006
I'm Not Bitter, I'm Just Anxious
I'm all done with Christmas shopping. Well, I still need to buy my aunt a word search book (Walden's didn't have one and Barnes and Noble closed right before we pulled in) and I want to get Jason something nice. But the bulk of it is bought,wrapped, and tucked neatly under my bed. I really owe Jason for taking me shopping. He really should have been doing his homework, but he came over an hour early just to help me because he knows how much I've been worrying about this. And even though I'm almost done I don't really feel any less stressed. I guess that's just Christmas time in my house.
I made a real ass of myself in the car. While we were in the mall Jason took me to Sears to buy me a pair of jeans. I knew about it on the way, but as we passed a thrift store I said "I could buy gifts at the thrift store, but then I'd have to buy people clothes. And no one likes getting clothes." I totally didn't mean it. I didn't even know why I said it, but I feel like a total jerk. I was excited about getting the jeans and a nice sweater because I normally buy crappy clothes that have to last at least a few years. And I really do like what we picked out, even though Jason insisted that I get a second sweater because he thought I would be unsatisfied with only one.....but I'm not supposed to know about it and I'm going to act surprised, so no one say anything.
On a side note, Jason also wants to get me a book. It's funny because when we go into a bookstore he has to ask me the name of the book because he keeps forgetting. I completely understand that because it has a somewhat unusual title. Then after I tell him the title he immediately heads toward the Science Fiction section. That always gives me a giggle because the book is in the Physics section. I don't know why i find the situation funny. I think it's the fact that Jason runs all over trying to find what I want when I'd really be satisfied just being with him for Christmas. In case anyone is wondering, the book is A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking......but I don't know about that either.
I actually don't know why I'm still up. I've been having a lot of insomniatic episodes recently, and it's kind of annoying. I can't sleep until about 5 or 6 AM and then I'll on;y be able to sleep until about 10. Other days I'll be able to fall asleep at about two, but I won't be able to drag myself out of bed until 2. It's really bizarre. I think it would be better if I didn't have to worry about making noise and using the computer in the other room to do something creative.
Which reminds me, I want to make a short documentary. I was thinking something about Christmas or insomnia. Maybe even both if I can find a way to work it in. I'm thinking of documenting my Holiday experience and seeing what turns up. Well, I've already done everything I need, so I guess I'll need to find a volunteer.
And of course, I'm still worried about moving out. I feel a lot of pressure on both sides and I don't what to do. Jason's afraid to bring it up because he thinks it makes me depressed, which it does because I'm running out of time. But it's the holiday season so if I leave now I'd feel tremendously guilty. And Jason's leaving for NY in early January and won't be back until late March or something. I think that's adding a lot to my anxiety right there. I just don't know what to do. (I'm in a nice, good, calm mood right now though...I love Jason so much)
I made a real ass of myself in the car. While we were in the mall Jason took me to Sears to buy me a pair of jeans. I knew about it on the way, but as we passed a thrift store I said "I could buy gifts at the thrift store, but then I'd have to buy people clothes. And no one likes getting clothes." I totally didn't mean it. I didn't even know why I said it, but I feel like a total jerk. I was excited about getting the jeans and a nice sweater because I normally buy crappy clothes that have to last at least a few years. And I really do like what we picked out, even though Jason insisted that I get a second sweater because he thought I would be unsatisfied with only one.....but I'm not supposed to know about it and I'm going to act surprised, so no one say anything.
On a side note, Jason also wants to get me a book. It's funny because when we go into a bookstore he has to ask me the name of the book because he keeps forgetting. I completely understand that because it has a somewhat unusual title. Then after I tell him the title he immediately heads toward the Science Fiction section. That always gives me a giggle because the book is in the Physics section. I don't know why i find the situation funny. I think it's the fact that Jason runs all over trying to find what I want when I'd really be satisfied just being with him for Christmas. In case anyone is wondering, the book is A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking......but I don't know about that either.
I actually don't know why I'm still up. I've been having a lot of insomniatic episodes recently, and it's kind of annoying. I can't sleep until about 5 or 6 AM and then I'll on;y be able to sleep until about 10. Other days I'll be able to fall asleep at about two, but I won't be able to drag myself out of bed until 2. It's really bizarre. I think it would be better if I didn't have to worry about making noise and using the computer in the other room to do something creative.
Which reminds me, I want to make a short documentary. I was thinking something about Christmas or insomnia. Maybe even both if I can find a way to work it in. I'm thinking of documenting my Holiday experience and seeing what turns up. Well, I've already done everything I need, so I guess I'll need to find a volunteer.
And of course, I'm still worried about moving out. I feel a lot of pressure on both sides and I don't what to do. Jason's afraid to bring it up because he thinks it makes me depressed, which it does because I'm running out of time. But it's the holiday season so if I leave now I'd feel tremendously guilty. And Jason's leaving for NY in early January and won't be back until late March or something. I think that's adding a lot to my anxiety right there. I just don't know what to do. (I'm in a nice, good, calm mood right now though...I love Jason so much)
Monday, November 20, 2006
Meh?
I've been really stressed out for the last week. I've been trying to do so much, but accomplishing so little. I've been meaning to write a new article for Rich Magazine, which I promised I'd keep up, but I don't know what to talk about. I don't want to make all of my articles about what the future should be like, but I don't really have much else to say right now. I've also been wanting to post something else up on youtube, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to make all my videos just me playing Classical Gas, but I don't have anything to say.
When everything decides to go wrong all at once, it really bothers me. A few crises here and there would be fine, but when all these things come together and attack me as one incident it's really annoying. That's all I really have to say.
Oh, and I decided to write a science fiction script, so if anyone likes the genre and has anything they've always wanted to see in a movie, leave a comment. I'm working on an old outline that I gave up on and I'll post it here soon so everyone can have a general idea of the story.
When everything decides to go wrong all at once, it really bothers me. A few crises here and there would be fine, but when all these things come together and attack me as one incident it's really annoying. That's all I really have to say.
Oh, and I decided to write a science fiction script, so if anyone likes the genre and has anything they've always wanted to see in a movie, leave a comment. I'm working on an old outline that I gave up on and I'll post it here soon so everyone can have a general idea of the story.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Take Two
I had to learn to tune Jason's brother's guitar by ear because I don't have a digital tuner. I once downloaded tuning software that uses a microphone to hear the tone of the note, but it never produced the same result twice in a row and it was just a mess. So today I downloaded a tone generator to get the E string tuned, and then tuned the rest of the strings based on that. I think I got it pretty good, but I'm going to check again tomorrow.
So I guess that's what I tried that was new (I almost practiced for nearly three hours). No one gave me any suggestions! It's fine, because I'm kind of sick today. A sore throat and all that jazz. Right now I'm going to get some sleep and go clean Julie's mom's gutters with Jason.
So I guess that's what I tried that was new (I almost practiced for nearly three hours). No one gave me any suggestions! It's fine, because I'm kind of sick today. A sore throat and all that jazz. Right now I'm going to get some sleep and go clean Julie's mom's gutters with Jason.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Classical Gas and You
I made this video last night to share with a small number of people, but youtube has terrible privacy controls. So since it's available to anyone with the Internet, I figured I'd stick it up here too. I was contemplating posting it on Rich Magazine, but I decided not to because I might eventually make something out of all the clips.
If you go to the page the video is on, you'll notice a few comments from a helpful guy. I can't help but shake the feeling that it's either Jason or someone else I shared the video with. But since there is no evidence of the person's identity on the page, I can't go anywhere with it. That's okay because I like the attention no matter who it comes from.
Every couple nights I'm going to make a new video and share my progress. I probably won't post it here, but you can check out my youtube page any time to see if I posted anything new. I figured it would give me something to post since I haven't really been feeling creative, and it'll force me into practicing. And can anyone explain how to tune that damn thing? I've looked at about a million sets of instructions and I have software that's supposed to do it, but I don't think it works right and it's just a big mess. Hell, I didn't even know it was out of tune until the guy said so.
I recently started cooking a lot more than I used to. It's weird because I've never cooked more than Ramen and pancakes (not together), but I can still put together a decent meal. Last week I had a nice big salmon fillet that I coated in butter and stuck in the oven. I put parsley and crushed red pepper on it of course, but that was pretty much it and it turned out really well. Yesterday I made a steak for my aunt and me. I can't say that I like the smell of bloody beef before it's cooked, but they turned out well too. And I made some ravioli and white sauce (it's similar to the gravy in biscuits and gravy minus the meat), but I put a little too much pepper in it.
Jason and I watched Accepted today. It was a really good movie with an amazing soundtrack (three of my favorite songs were on it). It started to make me think that I should be out doing something instead of waiting around until I have a job. I mean, what if I am wasting potential talent? It might not even be in film. You never know. I'm still going to college so I can get a nice little cubical in some major corporation though. Hobbies such as filmmaking cost a lot of money.
So that's what I'm doing tomorrow: something I've never tried before. Any thoughts?
If you go to the page the video is on, you'll notice a few comments from a helpful guy. I can't help but shake the feeling that it's either Jason or someone else I shared the video with. But since there is no evidence of the person's identity on the page, I can't go anywhere with it. That's okay because I like the attention no matter who it comes from.
Every couple nights I'm going to make a new video and share my progress. I probably won't post it here, but you can check out my youtube page any time to see if I posted anything new. I figured it would give me something to post since I haven't really been feeling creative, and it'll force me into practicing. And can anyone explain how to tune that damn thing? I've looked at about a million sets of instructions and I have software that's supposed to do it, but I don't think it works right and it's just a big mess. Hell, I didn't even know it was out of tune until the guy said so.
I recently started cooking a lot more than I used to. It's weird because I've never cooked more than Ramen and pancakes (not together), but I can still put together a decent meal. Last week I had a nice big salmon fillet that I coated in butter and stuck in the oven. I put parsley and crushed red pepper on it of course, but that was pretty much it and it turned out really well. Yesterday I made a steak for my aunt and me. I can't say that I like the smell of bloody beef before it's cooked, but they turned out well too. And I made some ravioli and white sauce (it's similar to the gravy in biscuits and gravy minus the meat), but I put a little too much pepper in it.
Jason and I watched Accepted today. It was a really good movie with an amazing soundtrack (three of my favorite songs were on it). It started to make me think that I should be out doing something instead of waiting around until I have a job. I mean, what if I am wasting potential talent? It might not even be in film. You never know. I'm still going to college so I can get a nice little cubical in some major corporation though. Hobbies such as filmmaking cost a lot of money.
So that's what I'm doing tomorrow: something I've never tried before. Any thoughts?
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
The Future of Trees
I wrote an article today about how trees are completely unneeded in today's technological age. Yes, I'm a geek. I was going to write about how gravity is obsolete, but I couldn't really think of anything to say. I'm probably going to write a few more articles, but right now I'm taking a break. I also want to work on some images and maybe a quick video or two. I'm still not sure how I want the Rich Magazine video content to work, but I'll figure it out as I go.
That's all I had to say today. Thanks to everyone who supported me and told me I could do it.
That's all I had to say today. Thanks to everyone who supported me and told me I could do it.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Hiatus
I kind of lost steam on Rich Magazine. I just haven't been able to find anything to write about recently and I always worry too much about if something is going to be funny enough. I don't know why, but I just don't have the energy to really do anything. Could be Daylight Savings Time, but I'm not sure. I can't eeven concentrate enough to write a coherent blog entry.
Today I cleaned out my mom's garage and fought with my computer all day. I've been trying to install Xubuntu on my 333 for a while, but the liveCD wouldn't work so I had to download the alternate install CD, but now none of my spare CD drives work. It's really frustrating because all I want to do is ditch Windows.
I've been doing yoga recently and it makes me feel better in the morning. Maybe I should just do stuff in the morning instead of night like I usually do. I'll work something out and get back into things.
Today I cleaned out my mom's garage and fought with my computer all day. I've been trying to install Xubuntu on my 333 for a while, but the liveCD wouldn't work so I had to download the alternate install CD, but now none of my spare CD drives work. It's really frustrating because all I want to do is ditch Windows.
I've been doing yoga recently and it makes me feel better in the morning. Maybe I should just do stuff in the morning instead of night like I usually do. I'll work something out and get back into things.
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