It's Friday and I'm Bored

I haven't updated in a while because I don't have a whole lot to say. I still don't know what to podcast about, I still haven't finished editing the movie, and I'm still unemployed. I did get a new digital camera today, and I posted a few pics of my animals on my flickr page. That's about it.

Oh, I've been playing Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow a lot. It's a great game, but there's a lot to do, at least for this type of game. First, there's the 100% of the map that's a huge pain to explore. Some of it consists of being imaginative and finding a way around a problem, and some of it simply requires attacking the wall until it crumbles. There are also souls to collect from enemies you've killed, which is an even bigger pain because your chance of absorbing the souls is completely random as far as I can tell. But nevertheless, it's a great game.

This made me briefly consider making a vampire movie. But then I realized I don't know all that much about vampires and I don't want to make three horror movies back to back. Not that a vampire movie (or a zombie movie for that matter) really has to be scary, but still. I really would like to make this kind of a movie, but I'm not sure what people would think of it. And I know I should be writing for myself, but I really do need to take the audience into consideration here.

I'm really happy with my new digicam. Technically it's my mom's, but I doubt she'll ever actually use it. It's a great camera. The pictures are really crisp and clear. I've never seen this kind of clarity from a digital camera, let alone one in this price range. By the way, it's a Canon PowerShot A340. Great camera.

So all in all, I'm having a good time. I have new gadgets to play with and I'm doing things (kind of). Did I mention I can't figure out Windows file sharing? I went to college for this for 2 years and I can't set up a simple file server. Well, I can set it up, but I can't get the other computers to connect to it. And I don't know why. I think I might go back to making it a Linux (Slackware, of course) box and learn Apache or something. But then I'll have to format my HD with NTFS and I don't have a place to dump the data. Maybe I'll just buy an internal drive for the server and use my good one as a backup like I originally planned. Why do all my files have to be so damn big?

Yet Another New Project

Since I'm already in front of my computer talking to people, I figured I'd post something. First of all, see the below post. Second, I'm not going to talk about anything negative today. Third, I added a link to my Deviantart Gallery.

I'm thinking of making a podcast. I don't really know what I want the content to be about, but I'm putting some serious thought into it.I'm thinking either technology (i.e. computers), filmmaking (how not to make all the mistakes I do), current events (which I know nothing about), or just general (like the Rich Show). At the moment I'm kind of leaning toward technology because it's something I'm really interested in. That is why I originally started this blog, and labeled it slackgeek.

I guess I just want to give a new medium (to me) a chance. I've published a magazine, written more than my share of poetry and short stories, written a short comic book, produced a hour long show, and made a movie. I guess I just like to push my boundaries and contaminate a new venue. But I don't know. Everything I ever worked on had no more than a cult following (even my blog *wink*). I may be a bit selfish, but I want something more than that now.

Yes, I listened to quite a few podcasts today. I love Leo Laporte! And Kevin and Alex of course. I could do without that Heather girl, but she's funny. Patrick Norton's pretty cool too and Steve Gibson always has really good advice. I hope that someday I can be that popular and influential. But right now I'm just looking for something to do.

If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to comment. Don't be shy. Come on, now.

Dude looking for donations... willing to destroy his Xbox for them.

Hey everybody, do Kevin a little favor and donate a little bit to his 360 fund. He's a really cool guy and he just needs a break. If not for him, then do it for me (it'll make me feel like I acomplished something today). Thanks

This dude's birthday is in 2 weeks and he can't afford an Xbox 360. With each donation he gets, he is willing to do a website plug on 2 sites and destroy his old Xbox and provide a movie of him doing so.

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:(

I haven't posted anything in a while because I've been feeling really lousy. CVS still hasn't called, and I don't think they're going to. I really, really needed that job. I need to get out of this house, away from that stupid bitch I live with, and move on with my life, but it just isn't happening. I never really wanted anything other than to just be out on my own where no one can tell me what to do. I don't need a lot of money because even though I have expensive tastes, I know I don't need all that shit. I just need to pay off what I already owe and then maybe invest whatever little bit would be left over from my checks after the bills get paid. That would be more than enough for me.

But no. I know I'd be disappointing everyone in my life. Not just my mom her retarded fucking family, but all my friends who expect so much out of me. Everyone seems to think I should just go back to Baker and get a job in computers, sitting at a desk all day answering tech support calls and reinstalling Windows five times a day. What people don't realize is that I do that every day. I don't like it, but I should do it anyway. It's the 'right' thing to do.

No one cares what I want to do. Everyone thinks I should go marry some bimbo (no disrespect to women) and get some shitty job that I'm never going to be happy in. I'd be sure to make lots of money, and that's all that matters to most people. And why shouldn't it? I mean, with everything cool being so expensive nowadays, why shouldn't money make me happy? I guess I'm just kind of sick hearing people tell me I should go back to college and that filmmaking is a waste of time.

But the thing is, they're probably right. I can't make a coherent short that lasts more than 15 minutes, let alone a feature film worth being paid for. I mean, even if I did get good enough to be a freelance director or an indie filmmaker, I'll never have enough confidence to actually go out and do it. Hell, I can't even deal with a small group of my friends. How the Hell am I supposed to actually make something that anyone would ever pay to watch?

And I'm sick of hearing about my cousin's stupid wedding. So he fucked some girl and now they have no choice but to get married. Good for him. I don't fucking care. I swear, my mom just uses it as an excuse to make me feel bad for being the way I am. She always does this right when I'm starting to feel good about myself. She just kicks me in the balls and shoves me in the road to be knocked around by whatever comes along. It makes me hate her and myself so fucking much.

I used to always blame me being this way for my depression, but I've seen pictures of people like me being happy. Now I don't have anything to blame and I'm all out of excuses. I'm just sick of being me. I don't know how to explain it very well because I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that it's not good because between the tears I have urges to break everything around me. But I do feel somewhat better since I sat down here, so I guess it's all okay.

Also, Jason had a bad day today too. I feel really bad because he's been having a rough time at work and he's all stressed out. I really hope things start to work out better for him because I hate to see him like this. It makes me really sad because he feels bad for feeling bad and then he just gets worse and worse.

So Jason, have a really good night and try to relax. I love you more than words can even begin to describe. Have a good day tomorrow and try not to let work get to you.

Sony is Ruining my Life

So, CVS hasn't called back yet. People keep telling me not to worry because it takes time, but Debby (the woman who interviewed me) said she'd call in a couple days. This is exactly why I never told anyone about my interview. Now if I don't get the job everyone is going to be disappointed. But I don't think anyone can be as disappointed as me. I really needed this job and somehow I fucked it up. Story of my life.

I got an email from Julie yesterday telling me how it's adorable being the way I am. I wake up every morning hating myself for that brief moment before I remember all the good things in my life. Every time I see my family they ask about my life and I can't tell them anything about it. Every day I hear at least one horrible thing about 'people like me' and it makes me doubt the value of my life. But apparently that's pretty damn cute.

It also seems that everyone I know is doing a Hell of a lot better than me. All my friends have jobs, some of them even have really good jobs. They're graduating from their colleges and going on to nice universities. (Neither of these things are directed toward you Jason) They're moving here and there. They're getting married and starting families. They're buying cars, and doing this, and joining that. And the only little piece of my life that I actually enjoy and am proud of, I have to keep hidden from everyone. That makes me feel like even more of a failure that I already did.

None of the above paragraphs reflect how I really feel, only my current mind set. I just tried to edit the beginning of my film. Let's just say it didn't go so great. I can't make a continuous stream of video out of the footage I have. No one is in remotely the same position consistently, no one gets their lines right, I don't have any of the shots I wanted (including close-ups), and the constant sound of the camcorder drives me crazy. I guess it's kind of my fault for not being a good actor. But if Joe would have just shown up and not been such an asshole, he could have done it himself. Oh, and it was his birthday. I wished him well because I would have felt bad if I didn't, though he probably never would have noticed.

And on top of that Sony Vegas is so slow! I switched from Adobe Premier because I thought it'd be a lot faster, but it takes forever to load a saved project. No kidding, it takes like five minutes. I really need either a 64-bit processor or a Mac. I'm hoping for a Mac, but at this point I'm lucky to have my AMD 2800+. Bummer, huh? Joe did offer to help with the editing, but I don't really trust him to do it, not that he'd ever get around to it. And I can't use his computer, but he has all these security measures (like a BIOS password and Windows and Ubuntu passwords) that I'm too lazy to circumvent.

But on the plus side....I bought a book yesterday. It cost the remainder of the little bit of cash I had, but it's about filmmaking.

Bombs Bursting Outside My Window

What exactly is it about me that makes me so easy to ignore? I've written to almost everyone I know today and I didn't get a single response. I understand if some people are busy, but I refuse to believe that people who never leave their computers have more important things to do than reply to a single message. When I saw Jake at the fireworks the other day, he didn't say anything (I'm not sure if he saw me though). Sometimes I really get the feeling that no one cares. Some of the messages were just casual conversation, but most of them were business.

It's always been like this. Like when Joe decided not to show up, he didn't bother getting in touch with me. Jake never got back to me when I sent him the script. Whenever I leave someone a voicemail message they never call back. Whenever I want to hang out with one of my friends, they're too busy. When I make a post on a forum, everyone ignores it. Sometimes I wonder if I completely stopped talking to people, would anyone really notice? I really do feel this way.

I guess I'm just used to having someone to talk to all day. Steph went to Tennessee and is having a great time, but she doesn't have constant Internet access, so she's never on AIM. None of my other friends are ever on AIM anymore either, so I'm stuck here all by myself. Yesterday was different. I talked to everyone I knew yesterday. So what the Hell is different today?

Maybe it's because I'm already in a bad mood. I've have this horrible pain in my arm and my back for about a week. I told my mom I'd cut the lawn, so I did. But then she started yelling at me because there was all this stuff she didn't tell me about. That's the only time she says anything anymore. When she's yelling. She really makes me want to die sometimes and I'm getting sick of living here.

I may be getting a job at CVS in a few days and if I do I want to move out after I pay off all my bills. But everyone is giving me advice and I don't know what to do. Jason always complains about how no one ever follows his advice and I don't want to ignore it. But I really don't want to follow it because he thinks I should stay here until after I get a car and graduate and this and that. I can't wait that long because if I stay in this house any longer I'm going to feel a lot worse than I have been.

Not that I've been feeling bad in the last few months. I've been getting all sorts of things done and hanging out with all my friends. Just last night I hung out with Julie, who I hadn't seen in years. We just hung around her mom's house in Port Huron and took a quick trip to the mall. We had some ice cream too. It was good. Her mom makes the best pork tenderloin and mashed potatoes. Mmmm. Then, almost out of nowhere, Julie asks my girlfriend's name.

This again. Her sister was in the room, so I didn't want to say anything. I just told her I couldn't say. Repeatedly. Then I felt like a jerk and I sent her an e-mail when I got home and explained the situation. She still hasn't gotten back, but it's okay because she's probably still getting settled back into her apartment. I was going to tell her the other day, but it just never came up even though I really pushed the conversation that way more than a few times.

I started writing a script recently that I'll probably never produce. It's about Jason, me, and my problems being who I am. My life really isn't that interesting in case you couldn't tell, so I had to step it up a little. I made my friends complete assholes (seemingly), Jason and I live together, and I have a Xanex problem. Sometime writing this makes me feel worse because I have to think about my friends and family and how much I really do need them.

But I do have some good news. (I just saved 15% on my car insurance by calling Geico) A lot of people are getting interested in Orange Ninja Films. Stephanie is working on a really cool horror story right now that I'm hoping to film about 9 months from now. One of Mike's friends is writing a zombie movie, which sounds like it would be really fun to make. Even Mike himself is excited about acting in the next movie I make. Oh, and I learned how to do moving aerial photography really cheap. So I'm excited about it, I just need to start (yes, start) editing the movie we just filmed.

Orange Ninjas and EnegryDrinks

A lot of things have been going on recently. I’ve been hanging out with friends a lot lately. In fact, I’m at a friend’s house right now. Tuesday we finally finished filming thanks to Stephanie who helped out so much. I feel a lot better now that everything’s done. Everyone did a great job, except for Joe of course. Now I have to edit it all together and figure out what music I’m going to use. But that’ll be pretty easy.

Wednesday I hung out with Mike all day and we ended up walking to Big Boy around 3. I ended up watching Superman Returns, which is a great movie, at around 7:30. In the meantime we walked around Kmart and watched some Batman movie on a TV in the electronics department. That was fun. We also went in the Dollar Treasure and Tobacco Barn.

Yesterday I ended up going to Mike’s house in the morning and hanging out most of the day. Erica and I discovered ip-relay and learned a cool new way to prank call people. Then these guys came over and tried to get us to help him join his team and sell energy drinks. It looked good on paper and didn’t seem like too much of a pyramid scheme, in fact it looked like a really good idea. There was however a $500 start up cost and it’s not really something I’m interested in anyway.

Right now I’m hanging out with Steph watching Harry Potter 2, which I’m not a huge fan of, but at least we get to hang out one last time before she goes to Tennessee. She’s going to be gone until December and she’s one of the only people I really talk to a lot anymore. But it’ll be a change of pace for her and she’ll have a great time. I’m sure of it. I’m going to miss her though.

That’s really all I have to day. My mom was pissed off that I didn’t cook dinner tonight even though I thought she’d be working late. Then Jason and I ate the last of the cookies and apparently I should have made brownies to compensate for it. But I cleaned the whole house today. There was an entire week’s worth of garbage, dust, and dirty dishes, and I cleaned it all up. But I still should have done so much more.

Oh, but I also worked on the profile for Orange Ninja Films today. People are really starting to get excited about it, and I am too. I’ll add a link to the sidebar too. I’m ready to make another film, but I probably should finish this one up first. Now that’s all I have to say. Goodnight everyone and have a great few days until I post again.

Go Christopher Walken

A lot of things have been going on recently. First, I just saw the movie Click. I wasn't expecting a whole lot out of it, but it was actually really good (Christopher Walken makes a great Angel of Death). This is the only movie I've watched in the last ten years that has actually made me cry. I didn't say anything because I felt like a pansy, but I'm the kind of person Adam Sandler plays. Then it made me start to think about my relationship with Jason and all my friends and how I'm always afraid to go out and have a good time because it never gets anything done. Also, yesterday I found a friend's myspace music profile and he had a song that was about this same sort of thing and I'm starting to wonder if I'm wasting my life being so reclusive.

The movie I'm making. First, after repeatedly telling me he had Wednesday off and would be there, Joe canceled. I vaguely remember something about him owing his dad $30 and having to go to Belle Tire. I knew it was going to happen. Someone always cancels. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was only Joe, but he too Erika with him. I ended up taking over Joe's character, which was a nightmare because I didn't know the lines and I'm not an actor by any means. I had to completely remove Erika's character from the movie because we (that means Steph) couldn't find someone to play her. That pisses me off because even though it was a last minute addition, she was an important character because she helped convey just how much of an asshole the Joe's character is.

I've been having equipment problems. The microphone built into my camera is crap. The sound quality is subpar and it picks up the slight sound of the disc spinning. I need at least a boom mic for now, but a nice set of wireless clip-ons would be good too. The only thing is that I don't have any money and I already owe all sorts of people. My camera also crashed and ate one of my discs. Apparently there was a scratch on the disc I put in, so it got mad, came up with some error message, attempted to recover the data, and rebooted. Then I put in another disc, but I guess I didn't push down hard enough to lock it in place, even though it clicked, and the camera carved a nice semicircular gouge into it. Looking back, the disc that made it crash had an identical gouge, so it's not the first time it's happened.

I also never realized how horrible the dialogue was (honestly) until reading lines with Jason and hearing people say them aloud. And I don't know how to direct, so I'm really bad at it. I'm also bad at getting all the shots I want because I can see what I want in my head, but I can't get the camera to do it. While I'm at it, I'm a bad editor too. My hard cuts look really strange and I don't have a good shot of me punching Jason. I still need to get Jake to confirm he'll play Gordon and I need to film the rest of the movie on Tuesday.

I ran out of things to say and I forgot if there's anything else because now I'm multitasking and that's not good. Good night everyone and have a great tomorrow.

EDIT: I also learned that I can use the hosts file to block ads today. I never really thought about it, but it works great.

Wish Me Luck

So tomorrow is the big day. The schedule is set and the shots are planned. I've gathered all the props I'll need for tomorrow's shoot, but there are a few more I'll need for Friday.

First I'm going to Stephanie's house to film two scenes. On the way I'm picking up Marie and making a few last minute decisions. Then we're all heading off to East China Park to film two more scenes. If it rains, we'll just film one and I'll use the rain to bring out the gloominess of the main character's mood. After that we're all going to Water Street to find a place to film in front of a cafe. I'm pretty nervous.

I take that back. I'm extremely nervous. I've never gotten this far before. I've never even gotten a script finished before, so this is a huge leap. But I'm confident in the abilities of my cast, crew, and equipment. I just need to stop drinking coffee and relax. I think maybe I'll play some Toejam and Earl. What I'd really like to play is some Katamari, but I don't own it. Maybe I'll listen to the Katamari soundtrack as I play T&E.

I still have to do some hardcore work to do on the profile, but that can wait for a bit. I've been thinking about it and have a general idea of the details I want to include, but I can't seem to get it out. But I am excited about doing this. It's something I've wanted to do for four years and it's finally going to happen. I'd be even more excited if I was the one who got the ball rolling, but I'll take what I can get.

It's Been a While

I've been putting a lot of work into the movie recently. I got the schedule all sorted out and confirmed almost everyone for Wednesday. I got my camera to work and dumped all the previously existing footage onto my hard drive. I even got one of my friends to play Gordon. I've been working on getting some really nice editing software, but it's got to be for Windows because my sound still won't work under Ubuntu.

I still have a lot to do though. I need to plan my shots and make a springboard. I need to make sure everyone's on the same page, and make sure everyone knows their part. I need to copy all my contacts and information from my sheet to my PDA. (I can never get any work done at all on a computer or electronic device, i know it's really weird) I need to gather up some music from local musicians who'd be willing to let me use their works. I need to make sure I have all the props I need and get an alarm clock I can break.

And after all that, I need to actually make the film. (I no longer consider this a movie, but film does imply that film was used during the process. But if George Lucas can shoot digital for the silver screen then so can I) That's going to be a pain. But an even bigger pain will be editing it because I'm a perfectionist. And I still don't know what to put on the filmmaker profile, but you can find it here anyway: www.myspace.com/orangeninjafilms. It's obviously not done, but it will be soon because I'm going to do it tonight (hopefully).

I posted another poem the other day too, but it wasn't nearly as controversial as the other ones. I've been looking at a lot of Jack Thompson quotes recently too. For some reason I just seem be drawn to all that is controversial (piracy, violent video games, sexuality issues, religion, that kind of thing). It's kind of fun but I always get into arguments with people because I always think I'm right. But so do they, and we argue about it.

On a lighter note, I think I just offended someone Swedish. Actually, the guy lives in the UK and he may have just been making fun of me. I'm just not sure.

Motivated Again

I'm going to start jogging today. I'm about to go out, so wish me luck. I'm also going to start working on my Rich Magazine website when I get back and hopefully have a basic page ready by tomorrow night. I'm motivated at the momeny, and I don't know how long it's going to last, so I'm starting right now.

EDIT: Fuck that. I'm going to play Resident Evil 4.

I Hate My Friends (Some of Them)

One of my friends totally pulled a Danielle today. I can't go into any great detail here, but I'm pissed. I was looking forward to doing this one thing on the weekend. We've been planning it for 2 months, but suddenly it's not going to happen. I was even almost forced to break plans with Stephanie because I thought the two events were on the same day. Then I would have felt really bad because I would have been pulling a Danielle and it would have been even worse because I asked her to go.

I don't know what it is about me. There's just something that makes people avoid me. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about being the way I am. (I didn't even consider that until Jason brought it up) I don't know. All I know is that if all my actors back out over the next week, I'm going to be fucked. It's happened both of the other times I've tried to make a movie, why shouldn't it happen now?

I guess some of the actors are replaceable, but I only have a few possible options. People keep telling me that I have been productive, writing the script and all. But if I never film it, or if no one ever sees it, what's the point? I don't really call writing a hollow, mellow-dramatic, predictable script being productive. I know that there are going to be people standing there laughing and saying "I told you so." Or, at least one person. And we all know who that is.

I Want to Do Something!

I'm feeling really unproductive. I haven't really done anything since I got out of high school. I want to do something, I just don't know what.

I always wanted to help people. It makes me feel good and I just like it. The problem is I don't know how. I don't want to volunteer at the hospital because it freaks me out. I can't help people with their computers because I can't even fix my own (good thing I have three years of education toward it). I just don't know how to help anyone with anything.

I've been joking around about building a go cart. But who knows, I think it would be kind of fun. If only I had that kind of money. It wouldn't be all that expensive, but I'm flat broke. I'd definitely like to learn how that kind of stuff works though. I mean I can describe the workings of the internal combustion engine in detail, but I couldn't build one.

I also want to build a web site. I don't know what to make it about and I'm horrible with HTML, but it's still sitting on my list of things I want to do. Maybe I could make a web site to help people, but I still don't know about what. I'd have to be passionate about it and there are very few things I'm passionate about. And on top of that I don't have the money to buy a domain or pay for hosting. But I could host it on my spare computer and have people access it through my IP address. But that would be inconvenient.

I don't know what else to say. I think I have the flu or something, but my mom keeps telling me I'm fine and should be doing things. That's kind of irritating. But other than that, it's been an uneventful day. I rolled over on Schrodinger and sat on him twice because he keeps hiding under my covers. My mom kept telling me it's not funny. It really pisses me off when she does that.

But if anyone has any ideas as to what I could build, feel more than welcome to leave a comment!

Feelings, Friends, and Filesystems

I don't know why I let my mom get to me. I'm surrounded by people who care about me and out of all of them I listen to her. I'm just thankful I have my friends. Even thought most of them don't know it, they really mean a lot to me. They always comfort me and let me know I'm loved. And that is a really good feeling.

I do feel comfortable with myself again. I am who I am. I know that now and I'm not letting anyone tell me otherwise. I am still contemplating coming out to a few of my friends. They should know and they will eventually anyway. I just want to be able to be myself and not hide who I am. I deserve that and so do they. Most of them are pretty cool even if they do make a lot of derogatory comments.

If Denny (his name's actually Dan, I don't know why I gave him an alias before because he's out) can be their friend, then so can I. Also they're friends with this other guy named Brian who I'm pretty sure is gay too. So I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it's that once I do it, I can't take it back and it frightens me. This could be a huge mistake, and once I make it there are no do overs. But I think it'll all be okay. And just to be safe, I'll wait until after filming the movie to say anything.

But enough about that. It seems like that's all I ever think about anymore so here's something new: I was working on my computers today. I'm going to set up a Windows 2000 file and print server on my old computer because my external hard drive is formated with NTFS. And I just want to keep things simple and I know my way around Windows much better than Linux. But the second a better NTFS Linux driver binary comes out, I'm totally switching.

I upgraded from Breezy Badger to Dapper Drake (Versions of Ubuntu) yesterday and I'm not at all pleased. Sure it runs faster and looks better, but my sound stopped working. I think I have to reinstall the ALSA binary like I did when I ran Slackware, but it's a pain in the ass. (not the installation, just finding the damn thing) I'm also having a problem with my monitor's refresh rate. 60hz at 1600X1200 is completely unacceptable! And my CD burner won't work, but oddly, my new DVD burner will. (thanks again, Stephanie) Dapper did however come with the latest version of Firefox which is awesome because 1.0.3 kind of sucked.

Oh, but I have great news. I have a 10 year old Compaq Ipaq (MP3 player) that I've been having a problem with lately. It doesn't work like a removable hard drive, so I always had to install the driver and then Musicmatch Jukebox to get music on it. I tried just writing to the MMC, but the device uses a proprietary filesystem that I was unable to locate a windows driver for until today! It's a tiny little application that mounts the card and makes it a breeze to add and remove files. No more wasted batteries, songs that won't play, crashes, or reaching around to find the USB port. And most importantly: I can finally uninstall Musicmatch!

Once again I would like to thank my four best friends for being there for me when I was down. You know who you are. I really love you guys.

I Fucking Hate Thursdays

Every Thursday my mom drags me to Port Huron with her.It's nice for the first few minutes, but it all goes downhill from there. She always asks why I don't have a girlfriend and suggests I date this girl or that one. She never does it in quite a nice way either.

She always says something along the lines of "You're not gay or anything are you?" It's really starting to piss me off because I feel like I have to jump through hoops to please the bitch. Today she asked me why I named the kittens the way I did and then she asked me "Why don't you like girls' names?" When I refused to show her my fortune cookie she said "What, does it say you're going to marry a pretty boy?" It really makes me want to die sometimes.

I swear she does it just to hurt me. It's pretty obvious that I'm gay. I'm not flamboyant or anything, I just show absolutely no interest in girls. I dated a girl once, but it never went anywhere. I don't talk about girls, I never have any girls over, I never look at straight porn on the Internet, and once she even caught me with gay porn. I denied it of course because I was a lot younger. I really thinks she suspects something and she's just fucking with me.

I don't take this shit from my friends, and I'm not going to take it from her. If one of my friends would have made the comment about marrying a pretty boy, I would have knocked him the fuck out. At least if he was being mean. I would laugh if it was a joke. But the point is that why should I listen to her go on and on about something that I can't control? Like I chose it? Like I just decided one day that I want everyone in the world to hate me and be the scapegoat for bombings and diseases that I'm not part of. That's what I want out of life!


EDIT: I forgot to mention that yesterday I felt completely comfortable with myself for the first time in my life and was even contemplating coming out to some of my friends. I don't want to lose them but I can't go on lying to people like this. I've been talking to some people about it and I decided it might not be such a terrible idea. But now I hate myself again. Thanks mom.


But on an upbeat note, I'm finally finished writing that damn script. All the revisions are in, they've been merged, and it's been distributed. I was getting so sick of it, and now it's done. But here comes the hard part: scheduling and location scouting!

Kinda Bored Today

My last post was probably a little melodramatic. I got a lot of feedback on it, which I'm really thankful for. I never intended to make people feel bad. I even made one of my firneds cry when she read the poem I posted on myspace. I do feel a lot better now that I've gotten it off my chest.

I've been taking the lsat couple days off because I've been doing a lot of stuff with my friends lately and I'm not used to it. It's hard to suddenly have a social life after years of being a recluse. I went to a boat race the other day and got completely sunburned, but I was there with Jason so it was ok.

I've been working with some people on Rich Magazine. I'm enjoying having other peoples' input and working with them on something constructive. But I'm the only one with a scanner, and I'm stubborn and insist on nothing but hand drawn art. It gives the magazine a special feel.

I'm also running out of time to work on my movie. I start filming in 2 weeks, and I still have to finish the script, distribute it, get the schedule sorted out, and figure out where I'm going to be filming. But other than that, it's coming along great.

That's it. I don't really have a whole lot to say, I just didn't want to not post anything for a few days. If you want to read the poem, it's on my myspace blog, but I'm to lazt to post the link. Just go to my profile and you'll find it.

My Monthly Rant

Why is it that every time I want something everyone has something negative to say about it? If I want to be a filmmaker it's stupid and a waste of time. If I want to use the firepit that's already in our back yard, it's too dangerous and I'm not smart enough not to burn the house down. If I want to have friends over, they have no business in our house. If I want to crash at someone's house for the night, only fags do that. If I want to make Rich Magazine, it's stupid and it'll get me in trouble. If I want to be an author, I'm not smart enough and I don't have anything worth saying. If I want to buy a 4 wheeler, I get asked why do I want to do that?

I think that's probably my most common heard phrase. I don't know why people think there's always an ulterior motive behind everything I want to do. Why can't people just accept that I have my own opinions. I like the things I like and if you don't that's fine. I don't care. I don't tell people going to church is a waste of time. I don't go around saying straight people should die. I don't tell people what to do or not to do because it's none of my business.

All I'm really saying is that there are a lot of people in my life and I'm trying to please them all. It's not working. Not even close. Why can't I just be who I am because it's who I want to be? Why should I have to be a million different things to a million different people? Frankly, I'm sick of it. If you don't like me, don't talk to me. I think I'll manage.



Before anyone thinks this is directed at them, let me assure you, if you're reading this because I gave you the URL, it's not. Honestly. All my good friends, all my real friends are great. I don't know what I'd do without them. I owe them a lot and yet I can never give them anything they need. I'm sorry. I really am.

Mmmm Free Pizza

The other day I let my friend Stephanie read my blog because she gave me her URL and I already came out to her. It's a funny story because my myspace profile made her suspicious. I've told people that when people leave their orientation blank, it usually means they're gay. Jason's friend who turned out to be gay left his blank, and both Jason and I left ours blank. Jason keeps saying 'no, that's not what it means.' But it is. Reading that led Stephanie to ask in a roundabout way.

First she asked who I was dating. I asked her why she wanted to know and she said she saw me with a girl at Dairy Queen. We went back and forth for a little bit before I just told her. It turns out she felt like an ass for asking. She thought I was, which was really funny. Stephanie's great though. She's fun to hang out with and we have similar taste in music. Well, she listens to everything, including rock which is what I usually listen to.

But anyway, she was reading my blog and something I wrote hurt her feelings. When I said that I should have been spending time with Jason I didn't mean that she was bothering us. I just meant that I didn't want to ignore Jason, but I didn't want to ignore Stephanie either. See, I can never do or say anything without hurting someone's feelings. I also said in one of my past entries that I needed a DVD burner, so Stephanie just gave me her DVD burner. She wouldn't take any money for it and she even spent all night finding the power cable. All this after I hurt her feelings.

Then yesterday we were hanging out at the mall. We went to Spencer's and then to Hot Topic, but I made her got back to Spencer's so I could get one of those necklaces they have. I was going to get one of the brown twine ones, but Jason has one like that so I got a cool blue steel one. But it turns out Jason has one like it too. But when I went up to the counter to pay Stephanie pulled out her debit card and told the cashier to charge the money to that. I told her she didn't have to, but she did anyway.

I tried to pay at Taco Bell too. Stephanie says she just like spending money on people, but I don't know. I hope she doesn't feel like she has to pay for my friendship. She's really cool and I like her. It's really weird because I can talk to her about things that I don't normally talk to people about. We talk about me being gay and dating Jason like it's just normal. I'm not saying it's not normal, I'm just saying most people don't look at it that way. I'm really glad we became friends again though.

Other than that, not much is going on. I still feel like an ass for flipping the go-cart. I got a coupon in the mail for a free small pizza for being new to the neighborhood.. My old house is only like five minutes away. It's right by Hungry Howie's, but I still get a free pizza, which is always good. I also started a group on myspace for fans of Rich Magazine, but I'm getting very little feedback. I'm going to keep at it though.

So That's Why I Don't Drive

It's been am eventful few days and I'm exhausted. But here goes a long one:

Yesterday my mom was starting shit about the house never being clean. Her friend cams over for a visit, which is very unusual at our house. My mom claims that they had to go outside because house is too dirty to entertain people in the dining room. Her solution: cleaning the living room. As soon as 9:30 PM rolled around and my dad went to work, she started yelling about everything she could think of. At first, she told me I didn't have to help her and she could do it on her own, but then she got mad about me taking care of the kittens she brought into the house instead of helping.

It was all okay, because Jason made an unexpected visit later that night. We spent most of the night chatting with my friend Stephanie, which I feel bad for because I should have been spending that time with him. Apparently, one of his friends turned out to be gay., which is surprising because you wouldn't expect it. He's really popular and all that. This almost gave Jason the courage to come out to his myspace friends, and really anyone who looked at his profile. He asked my opinion and I told him it wouldn't bother me if people made the connection between us.

That got me thinking, why should I be ashamed of who I am? I know I've said this before and it's nothing unusual for someone in my opinion, but I made a revelation. Why should I define who I am around being gay? It's not that big a deal. I have interests and a personality too. Why should I just think of myself as that gay guy who happens to like this or that? The solution is obviously that I shouldn't. That was the original intent of this blog, but I got distracted.

With that mentality I woke up this morning ready to return to work on Rich Magazine. It's this simple double sided half fold satirical magazine that I used to make in high school. I copied the old issues to the hard drive in my bedroom to use as a reference and installed Photoshop on my computer because GIMP can run kind of slow. That's when my mom started in. I'll leave out the details, but she thinks I sit around all day playing games.

Anyway, after dinner Mike called me to come over and work on my script. I went over there and we kind of talked it over for a while. Then we went to Talon's house to drive a go cart. I didn't really want to drive it, but I did anyway. I shouldn't have. I was driving with Joe as my passenger and I've never driven a go cart before. I rolled it over. I'm not saying it wasn't my fault, but the thing didn't have brakes. Or seatbelts for that matter. I made it to the end of the field and there is this turn, but immediatly before it there's a dip and I just kind of lost control. I was going too fast too, only because it didn't slow down as fast as I thought it would.

Joe and I are okay, of course. Joe scraped his elbow and bumped his head. I landed on Joe so all I got was bent glasses and a little scrape on my eye brow. I'm more worried about the go cart. It was somewhat dinged up and the rollcage was bent into the steering wheel. Of all the people who could have wrecked it, it was me, less than 20 seconds into the trip. And people wonder why I don't drive. But Joe said it's okay that I almost killed him. I still feel bad about wrecking it though.

After that we had a bonfire and went back to Mike's apartment. I saw a guy I haven't seen since high school which was weird because he's a lot taller now. It was really cool though. And I also did something today that I don't normally do, which is smoke a cigar. Actually, it was half of Mike's cigar, but it was still something. Now I have that burnt kind of flavor in my mouth and I remember why I quit smoking in the first place. I didn't have anything to drink though. I contemplated it, but I didn't want to come home drunk. I don't drink anymore anyway, but it is Memorial Day and all. Or at least it was an hour ago.

I did hear a lot of gay bashing today though. Maybe that's not the right term, it was just people using the term gay in a negative was. A lot. A whole fucking lot. That made me much less willing to come out to any of my friends. But that's okay because I'm happy not using it to define myself. If anyone asks I'll tell them, but only if they ask. My friends are friends with this other gay guy I went to school with named Denny. I don't know what to think or do, so I choose to do nothing,.

So to recap: I didn't get any work done, I'm a bit sore and bruised (I just noticed), I almost killed one of my best friends, I'm not coming out any time soon, I still don't get along with my mom, I'm motivated to do something I want instead of pleasing a bunch of assholes, I smell like smoke, and I am exhausted. But I had a great day.

Schrodinger's Kittens (and the search for reality)

I've been trying all day to get KNOPPIX to boot on the computer in my bedroom. My friend Joe has been having problems with his D-Link wifi card and KNOPPIX worked for him, so I thought I'd try it. I downloaded and burned the ISO last night and went to sleep. This morning I popped the CD-RW in, but it wouldn't boot. I checked the BIOS setting and it was fine. I couldn't find a bootdisk on the CD or the Internet, so I downloaded a program called SmartBoot and installed it to a floppy. The next problem was that SmartBoot won't work with my USB keyboard, and my motherboard won't work with a normal PS/2 keyboard so I had to hunt through all my boxes for my serial keyboard. It only took an hour, but I finally found it. After all that work, the CD still wouldn't work. I should have known, I need to burn KNOPPIX to a CD-R before this computer will boot it, but I don't have the cash to go out and get some.

We had to adopt those kittens I found behind my garage. The mother cat died and they would have starved. We've been feeding them milk from the pet store and keeping them in my warm room at night. I don't want any more animals. They're all just going to die anyway, and if I don't get attached I'll still feel bad, just not as bad. They are kind of cute and I do like cats, I just don't want any more. I may keep the little white one I named Copenhagen, though. Yes I named them. Copenhagen, Schrodinger, Steve, and Doug, all after physicists, except for Doug who is named after Douglas Adams.

I rewrote my script last night. I got bored, so I just did it. I got tired of waiting for people to send me in their revisions, so I figured I'd get the ball rolling and ditch some of the lousy dialogue. I talked to Marie (the leading lady) today and by the sound of it, she wants to butcher the whole thing and change everything but the premise, which somehow managed to stay firmly in place. I don't really have a problem with that. This is a group effort and I'm not going to prevent people from participating. People have really been helpful recently and I appreciate it a lot.

I also talked to Amanda today. It started out as a normal conversation, until I mentioned watching Advent Children today. She started talking about how all the guys in the movie are hot and she likes Kadaj the best and all that kind of stuff. Then she asked me who I preferred (I came out to her a few weeks ago). I didn't want to answer because it made me feel weird, but she made me. It just makes me uncomfortable talking to anyone about guys. I don't even talk to Jason about guys, mostly because we're together and I don't have any reason to look at other guys. I love Jason. Everyone may get tired of hearing it, but I never get tired of saying it. I love Jason.