Two Careers Overnight!

I realized something today. Technically, I have a paying job. Today was the first day of shooting for that film I'm PAing on, and things went pretty smoothly. I got the hang of things pretty quick and I was moderately helpful. I learned a lot of things about the actual filming process and equipment (because I've never used anything beyond a consumer grade digital camcorder). Despite a sore back, all in all it was a great day for me.

It feels kind of good to have this job because it's exactly that. It may only be on Sundays and I'll probably never see any money from it (I get 2% after the film grosses $400, which is unlikely and even if it does it'll barely be anything), but it's still a job. It really gives me a sense of satisfaction that I'm actually doing something, and it's something I really want to do with my life. I'm really glad I'm doing it.

If you want to be really technical I'm also in "landscaping " as Julie calls it. But I do that mostly to get a tan.

The Same Old Rant, Reworded

Why does it seem like everything is against me all the time? Like, I have to work so hard to be happy, but then someone makes a mean or hurtful comment and all my hard work goes to waste, which makes me feel even worse. I'd blame it on karma or something to that effect, but a lot of times it seems that something horrible happens immediately after I do something good.

I gave my mom that shelf because I know she needs the money and I lost Internet access for 2 days. That normally would have been bearable, but I needed to send out some important emails regarding costumes today. Then I let myself get so worked up over it that I seriously thought I failed at the entire job because of it. Then the Internet came back up and I felt really stupid for worrying so much about it.

I try to do everything right. I try to do things for people as much as I can because I know I'm not really worth anything, but it always seems to turn out wrong. No matter what I do it seems that no one is ever really satisfied. Or maybe I'm not satisfied with myself. I know I could do so much better if I just tried, but something always stops me. Sometimes it's bad luck or karma, but sometimes it's just me being lazy.

Everything is just going wrong right now. This week, this month, this year. I need to get a job, get out of here, go back to college, and start making some films. I don't know why I don't. I could make a film right now if I wanted. but there's always something that stops me. I could probably get a job if I tried harder, and I could convince someone to let me move in with them. But I don't. And I don't know why.

But there is one thing I do have. I have someone to comfort me when I'm down and encourage me to do what I really want. That's enough to make me feel decent about myself. And that's what I need right now.

Also John, Paul, Ringo, and George help.

How Not to Handle Money

This may or may not come as a surprise to some of you, but my family is having some serious money issues. All four people living in this house are unemployed, we keep spending money like there's no tomorrow, and yet money keeps materializing from nowhere. Or at least, it did before this morning. To give you a quick background, our monthly budget looks something like this:

-80 Digital Cable
-60 Phone/Internet/(unused) Cell Phone
-70 Gas (not gasoline)
-50 Water
-90 Electric
-150 Gasoline (frequent trips to Port Huron)
-300 Fast Food (almost every day)
-150 Actual food (we have access to a Bridge card too)
-200 Various Purchases
-----
1130 Total Expenditure


+450 Dad's Pension
+623 My Aunt's SSI
----
1073 Total Income


See a problem there? I failed to factor in medical expenses from my dad's recent heart attack and my mom's car accident, and I probably misjudged some of the bills, but the you can clearly see the situation.

If my mom would stop running people to Port Huron (up to) three times a week and cut back on her spending a little bit, we could probably save $300 right there. We also leave the TV, multiple fans, my mom's computer, and the computer in the kitchen running all day, regardless of whether they're being used or not. We could save on gas by doing larger loads (someone washes three or four items at a time on the largest load setting) of laundry and actually allowing food to thaw before we begin cooking it. We could save some money on the phone bill by canceling service to the cell phone we don't use. We could completely cancel the cable too, because there's never anything on.

But we won't because it's obviously better to spend all the bill money and complain than to manage money responsibly. I hope Jason is better at handling money than I am or we have a serious problem.

ADDENDUM: My mom randomly decided that she needs a new shelf for her DVD collection and prepared to go to Kmart to buy one. I know she doesn't have any money and I really don't want her to cancel the our Internet service, so I gave her the shelf I used for DVD's, which she gave me when we first moved in. Now she's mad about it.

Bleed Like Me

What a Weekend

I've recently noticed that my blog has turned into the "For breakfast I had toast and then I went out to walk the dog and found a nickel and put it in my change jar" kind of blog. That's what happens when I'm happy. I can't help it, I just don't say interesting things when I'm happy. But on the other hand, when I'm depressed my posts are whiny, self centered, and pointless. Like this one.

There's a old saying (Murphy's Law) "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." What I've discovered that when things that can go wrong decide to do so, they stand around and wait for some of their buddies so that they can all go wrong at the same time. It could just be me, I don't know. But it seems like when something goes (more) wrong in my life everything else has to immediately follow suit.

My earbuds are shorting out from wearing them from cutting the lawn. The mower is getting worn faster than normal too because I occasionally hit rocks and steel fragments hidden in the tall grass. I ripped one of my two good pairs of pants by putting myself in a position that strains the knees. I broke my power adapter by moving my computer around too much. I can't replace any of these things myself even though I caused the problems myself and I always feel bad having other people give me things (especially my parents) because I'm 21 and I should be able to provide all of these for myself.

I had a lot of plans for this weekend too. Friday I was going to spend some time with Jason, Saturday spend the evening with Jason and Steph brainstorming for that slasher I told myself I'd write a year ago, and Sunday hanging out with Mike and Joe. But that all got canceled. Mike got called into work and Joe canceled because he's Joe and that's what he does. It's happened to me at least 20 times and I still don't expect it. There goes Sunday. Steph got reminded of another party after the one she was getting off early from. That's fine, she had a prior commitment. But Jason got sick.

I've had a cold for a week and I made Jason come over Saturday and Tuesday. So it's my fault he's sick so it's my fault my weekend is shot and I'm not going to be seeing anyone. I was so excited about actually doing something this weekend instead of sitting alone in my room waiting for someone to IM me, call me, or even just talk to me. And I ruined it completely by telling Jason I felt better Tuesday so I could see him. If I didn't get to see Steph, Joe, or Mike it would have been okay because at least Jason would be here to comfort me after a really bad day. So my punishment for being selfish Tuesday is having a miserable weekend.

It's weird how I can be surrounded (kinda) by people and still feel the suffocating blanket of loneliness. I know Jason is there to comfort me. I know I can talk to Steph any time. I know there are other people who would consider having a serious conversation with me. But I still can't help feeling alone sometimes.

It also makes me feel like a big loser. I complain about living at home with my mom when I'm 21 but I don't go out and get a job. None of my friends care enough about me (Jason and Steph aside) to keep a commitment, and I rarely talk to any of my friends except Jason and Steph. Of course there's Matt and all my Internet friends, but they don't count because I never see them. Sometimes I just feel like I'm really not worthy of anyone or anything and I get what I deserve.

I had a point but it got lost somewhere in sorrow and self pity.

Sleepytime!

I've been meaning to blog for a few days, but I have a wicked cold and I haven't really been doing a whole lot of anything. My cold started Sunday, which is also the day Jason and I happened to go to Port Huron. I made him really; I paid for gas and even offered to drive, and if ever offer to drive you know something's wrong (but I won't get into that right now).

We visited our friend Sarah, the girl who repeatedly insisted on me living with her in Port Huron and then changed her mind when I really needed her. Now she has not just one, but two unemployed, homeless people sleeping on her couch. That made me feel pretty bad because I could have had a decent job and been out of there by now.

I'm out of steam. I had more to say, but I think I could use a nap right now.

Also, Jason gets grumpy sometimes!

I Hate You, Dell.

I've been having some problems with my Dell Latitude lately. The power adapter that first came with it had a short just before the piece that plugs into the computer. It slowly died for about a month, working on and off the whole time. That kind of sucked because I really need a computer to do the things I do. That's just how I roll.

Luckily, Jason had a spare adapter from his old Dell. It was a slightly different adapter, but it was the same wattage and it fit my Dell. Kind of. The adapter was designed for a different computer and every time I plugged it into mine, it pushed back the protective plastic sheath just a little bit. At first I didn't notice it, but when the hard plastic plug started coming out of the sheath, it became apparent that there was a problem. I thought if I was just careful with it I could use it for a few more months until I could afford a new one. I was wrong, so now I'm using the 333 until I have the chance to buy a new adapter.

I do have a check for $50 sitting on my TV, but I have no clue how to cash a persona check. I guess I can just go into the bank and find out, but I don't really feel like it today. They close at 5 anyway, and I don't really have a way to get there. I don't know if my ID will be adequate either, because the picture is pretty worn (to the point that it could be a picture of pretty much anyone) and it's a Baker College ID card rather than a state ID or driver's license. I did start both of my accounts with it though, and so far I don't think there have been any problems, not that I actually make any withdrawals or deposits.

I was going to go to Tennessee with Steph, but the van she was going to use broke down, so she left in a different vehicle this morning. It wasn't the short notice that bothered me, but I needed more time to come up with the money to eat on because I used most of it to pay my student loan bill. I would have used the check money to go instead of getting a new adapter because she needed help, but I would have had to cash it this morning. I'll do it eventually, I just don't know when.

Frustration

The overwhelming sense of some unidentified,
Unidentifiable, feeling of general and utterly
Unavoidable wrongness that creeps it's way into
Life at the every inappropriate, inopportune time
Causes a kind of mass panic to happen in my head.
Do I really deserve the possessions
Meager, but absolutely adequate
That have been handed to me without reason?
Is this block in my regular thought process
The result of years of regular self abuse,
Rather than just a short creative doubt?
How much longer can I afford to be
Unfortunately unemployed when
I couldn't even feed myself for
Three days from the Dollar Menu?
Is the four year lack of employment
The result of subconscious sabotage
Or the forced lack of any social experience,
Rather than a lousy job market
In a devastated state?
Where would I be right now if I hadn't made such
Disastrously wrong choices in years past?
And where the Hell am I
Supposed to go from here?

Career Options Ahoy!

Jason and I have been considering a career as Calvin Klein posterboys. What do you guys think?



P.S. Since Eggdisk is down and my Flick profile is public, I hosted this image with Google's Picasa service. It really, really sucks.

Oh, and the image was done by my friend Jacen.

The System is Down

Eggdisk, the file host I use for many of my images and misc. files is down! I don't know what happened, but it's completely dead. I can't connect to the server and all of my links are dead. I tried to contact the owner about it, but his email address is hosted at eggdisk.com, so that didn't go too well. He hasn't logged into any of the social networks under the eggdisk profile since January, and the forums are down. I think I need a new host.

I've also noticed that a lot of people around me are having relationship problems. I've seen 3 different couples break up within 4 days of each other. That really got me thinking about my relationship with Jason. I know he loves me and he'd never do anything to hurt me, but I really need to start treating better. He's coming over today, but my family is here, so we have to leave. That's not fair to Jason because it makes him feel like I'm hiding him, which I am, but I really don't want to. It makes me feel so bad, but there's nothing I can do until I get the Hell out of this house.

I applied at AutoZone the other day and I'm kind of excited about that. I'm also nervous because I don't really know that much about cars and yet, I'm look for a job at an automotive store. I don't even drive and people are going to ask me all kinds of questions about cars and whatnot, and I'm going to have no idea what I'm talking about. But I can do it with a smile.

On a similar note, my cousin (the one who's Geo Metro I kind of broke) just got a Chrysler Seabring convertible for free. It's not a bad car and has leather seats and all that too. My only complaint is that the seatbelts are connected to the seats, which seem awfully flimsy. That and the speakers make the entire door panel vibrate, creating an horrible noise. But that can probably be solved by turning the bass down, but that's not my call.

The first rehearsal for After the Beep is in 2 days and I haven't really fufilled my duties as the costume guy. I emailed people and about half of them got back to me, but a lot of them don't have the full costume they need and it's kind of my job to find it. So now I need to figure out where to get a red hat for the pizza guy (an easy one) and a camouflage shirt (probably at the army surplus store or something). But I think I have it all under control for now. I'll talk to all of the actors when I get there and see where we stand. Also, I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but I'm going to bring my PDA to keep organized. I guess I just forgot I had it since I usually use it as an ebook reader.

INT - RICH'S ROOM - NIGHT

So I didn't drink at the bonfire and I still had a good time. I was in charge of dragging broken tree limbs from the back woods and manning the fire, which was fun. I'd really like to do it more often, but I have few friends I actually hang out with anymore. I really need to fix that or something. But I probably won't and I'll just sit in my room on my computer all day and be miserable. I'm stubborn like that sometimes.

I tried going to sleep hours ago, but that didn't really go so well. I just have a lot of nervous energy tonight even though I'm pretty tired. I had all sorts of ideas that would go great on film (or tape, or disc) and I started writing and wrote INT - DEBBY'S HOUSE - MORNING which quickly changed to EXT - FREEWAY - NIGHT then to EXT- HOUSE - DAWN and back. That's really as far as I got because every time I start writing I can't think of what I want to say, let alone how to say it.

I was going to start my Ubuntu blog again because I kind of want to reinstall Ubuntu and reconfigure my partitions because my current configuration isn't really working that well. As I install everything I can take screenshots as I go and I'll remember a lot of things I need to say. But instead I procrastinated and played Postal 2. Great game, but it's not really helping me get my work done. I don't know what happened; I was doing really well for months, but now I'm back in a spot where I'm just not motivated to do anything. It really hurts because I know I should be out doing stuff, but I'm just not and I don't know why.

What is Family?

There's a white trash family reunion coming up here in a few months. I don't really think I should go if the entire family talks about me behind my back like my mom claims. I don't feel comfortable there and I don't belong. I have nothing in common with any of those people, but still I'm expected to go. They're always awkward and I always worry that the family hates me, but now I know they do.

Did I mention my mom is the one planning it (read: insisting on having it)? She hates everyone in the family for one silly reason or another, but she still wants them to get together. I don't know if she's doing it just to make me uncomfortable or if she actually thinks it's a good idea for some reason. What I do know is that I don't want to have to be around those people, but I can't tell her that because we're all family and she claims that means something.

But it doesn't. If any one of them knew I was gay the entire family would be completely against me, not that they're really on my side now or anything. Even my mom turned on me when she found out, although she won't kick me out because it would make a bad impression on the family. I honestly wish she would just tell me to leave and not take it back because then at least I'd have something to complain about. All this time she claims she's a wonderful parent because I have a roof over my head, but what I really need is someone to tell me I'm not a (failure, monster, horrible person, pervert, waste of space).

On the plus side, I'm going to a bonfire/21st birthday party tonight! On another down side, there's going to be alcohol there and I'd like to have a few drinks (probably not too many) but I don't want Jason to get mad. I know he said it's okay and I know he's trying to help, but it makes me feel weird. Also, if my mom found out even though I'm 21 she'd be pissed off (not that that would actually stop me from doing it). That's kind of ironic because she just yelled at me for not doing "normal stuff" but when I do she yells at me.

I'm going to enjoy myself tonight though. I think I deserve it, although most people probably wouldn't agree with me. I've had a stressful month so far and I think getting out would be good for me.

All My Titles Suck

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I've just been feeling kind of lousy. I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want people to get bored of me or up and leave, so I usually just pretend everything is all fine. But it's not. I struggle every day not to hate myself and every time I make any amount of progress someone comes and knocks me back down. I'm drowning and there's no one here to save me. Jason is going through a similar struggle and it's unfair to ask him to keep us both up.

Apparently my mom's family talks about me behind my back, which is fine. I don't really care what a bunch of white trash pricks say. But my mom does care and she's sick of defending me when "other people are right." She started screaming at me the other day, I'm still not sure why, and it always seems to come back to my relationship with Jason. She said something like "You can move far away and then no one will ever have to know," which made me feel pretty bad. Like I should hide myself from the world because I live around a bunch of assholes.

I haven't felt like doing anything since the last time I blogged, so I let a lot of things slide. I haven't written anything in the 2 weeks and I haven't done what I need to do. I did go to a production meeting for that movie and somehow I got promoted from a PA to costumes, which was kind of discouraging. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't know if I can do it because I have to deal with people that I don't know. But I guess now I have to.

I missed blogging about Jason and my 2nd year anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. We couldn't afford to get each other anything, so I kind of relaxed about that, but Jason got me a card (actually it was a birthday card with birthday crossed out, but the theme did center around 'it made sense when i bought it'). I felt bad because I didn't even think to get him one. We went up to Cheap Charlie's and Jason got the most disgusting, vile, raw steak ever and I got (cooked) steak and ribs. I can't really say that I enjoyed the ribs that much, but the steak was pretty good.

Yesterday I was walking around town and there's a guy I always see riding around town in a wheelchair. I smiled and said hi and he extended his hand and so did I. I should have just kept walking and acted like I couldn't hear him because it turns out he was a Jehovah's Witness and gave me a pamphlet. That was okay though because I didn't have to sit and talk to him or anything.

There was something big at the beginning of the 2 weeks that made me not want to do anything, but I don't remember what it was. It couldn't have been that important or I would have remembered. Either that or my fight the other day really screwed things up.

Home Again

Jason got home on Sunday. I've been meaning to post a picture of us since then, but I've been too excited and busy. It's really great having Jason around again. He's such a sweet guy and makes me so happy. I feel so much better when I can sit down with him and just talk and give him a hug when he needs it.

He's has been really down recently because of events I can't really go into here. He feels like a monster even though he did nothing wrong and is one of the most kind people I know. He's also doubting his screenwriting career, which I completely relate with, but Jason is a great writer! His script is rock solid and hilarious, but some people think it's mean and hateful, so he's abandoning the entire idea. I wish I knew what to say to make him feel better, but I'm bad at the whole boyfriend thing.

I have a meeting on Sunday for that film crew I'm volunteering for. The one where everyone has a ton of experience, but me. They just got a sound guy with a Golden Globe or something. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what they're going to expect of me, but I know I'm not going to be able to meet their expectations. Sometimes I wish I had more reasonable career goals.

Insert Title Here

So I did some yardwork today, which I enjoy doing. The problem is that when I do stuff like that without listening to music I tend to think a lot, which isn't always good. I started remembering some of the things my mom has said to me in the past about the way I am. I'm not going to repeat it because it's already been said here and I don't really want to repeat it.

Jason comes home tomorrow and I know my mom is going to start shit over it. At this point I'm actually terrified to tell her because I don't want her to ruin Jason's return. But at the same time, I can't just not tell her because he's going to come over either tomorrow or the day after and then she'll be pissed off that I didn't tell her he was coming home soon. I don't want her to make me feel guilty for Jason coming over to be with me, but it's really inevitable. Even if she doesn't say anything, she'll still give us dirty looks and listen at the door all night.

[ADDITION: I told her and she ruined it. She asked the nature of our relationship and I felt compelled to lie. After I told her we are just friends, she said she was proud of me. I almost cried right there, and I did after I left. Now I'm ashamed for having to hide something that's not even wrong. I feel like I have to hide Jason because some stupid pricks think it's not right. I promised him a half hour hug, and I have to take it back because I'm too much of a pansy to admit my love for him. Thank you, you fucking ignorant bitch!]

I guess I just need to try harder to get out of here. Jason and I are going to visit his friend Sarah, and I know the topic of moving in with her is going to come back up now that she supposedly broke it off with her 35 year old, broke ass boyfriend. But even if she did reinstate the offer, I can't go there just to be thrown out when some other boyfriend comes along. But that's assuming she even offers again, which she's not likely too.

My friend Steph is also looking into buying a house down toward the Macomb area. Even if she doesn't end up getting the house she set her sights on, I'm sure she'll be happy with it. She invited me to move with her because she knows I really need to get out of here and we get along really well. The problem is that I don't have a job and until I find one (which shouldn't take that long in such a populated area) I'd feel horrible because I'd be mooching. And what if it did take a long time to find a job? I'd feel so out of place that I wouldn't know what to do. She also invited Jason to come and share a room with me, which was awesome, but her other friend Danielle is kind of a blabblermouth and I don't really want everyone to know just yet. But if I was living that far away from my parents and other family, it would matter a lot less.

On a high note, yesterday was Jason's last day working with the Criminal Intent crew and things are looking good. John Roman, the head honcho (or something) told Jason to send him any scripts he's working on and to keep in touch. The head of every department he worked in loved him, which I knew they would, and one of them even told Jason they'd hire him back in a heart beat if he's ever back in New York. This is all great! But I still have the feeling that if I do go into filmmaking, my career will be based off of Jason's success and I don't want that. But that's something I just have to get past.

Back to Edgy

So after 12+ hours (I went to bed after I called Jason, so I can't give an accurate time) Fiesty was finally ready to run on my computer. So I rebooted and not surprisingly, my wifi didn't work. I looked around on some forums to see if there was a fix, and I learned that the driver was added to the blacklist because it can cause problems with the chipset, especially if people have it built into their laptop and can't disable it. After removing it from my blacklist, the card behaved the same way it did in Dapper (i.e. it showed up in the network connections, but didn't actually work).

I'm really glad I made a ghost image of my root hard drive because it only too 12 minutes to return to Edgy. I just didn't feel like messing around with it. So everything is back to the way it was yesterday, but I had a tough time getting GAIM to work right again. I guess my settings were kept on the root partition instead of with the rest of my data and settings because I had to reset all my options and reenter the information for my AIM account (but my MSN and Yahoo! accounts still worked just fine). But reconfiguring an app here and there is a Hell of a lot better than reinstalling Ubuntu or living without Internet access.

There are a few problems that I still need to fix in Edgy. Like I said, I broke my camrea driver. There's probably a simple solution that I'm just overlooking. I've been having problems with stability in WINE, but I recently upgraded to a new version and haven't tested it, so that might be okay. The directional buttons on my AxisPad controller don't work, but the Analog sticks work well, so I'm not even going to bother with that. And, of course, there's the bug that forces me to restart the ACPI daemon every time I reboot my computer.

I need to get on those because I want Jason to accept Ubuntu as a valid operating system. I'm not going to make him use it or anything, but he uses my computer a lot when he comes over because we're both into computers. I guess I'm kind of worried he's going to criticize everything that doesn't work the same way it does in Windows, and especially the things that don't work at all. He's like that some times.

I can't say that I really liked Fiesty overall. There is an application that allows you to install restricted (proprietary) drivers, but it didn't think my ATI Mobility Radeon needed one, so that didn't really work. It replaced all of my icons with really ugly ones and removed a lot of "obsolete" software that I needed. There were some new things in the administration panel, but I couldn't really be bothered playing around with them. Fiesty also ran noticeably slower than Edgy even though many people have been reporting it to be faster.

There's another something being released tomorrow. Ubuntu Studio looks pretty interesting. I can't get Cinerellla to work with Ubuntu and Kino only works with DV files. I'm not sure about the details of Ubuntu Studio, but I think I'll download it tomorrow....or in a few weeks.

The Really, Really Long Haul

I swear, if I didn't have any other reasons to stay up tonight, I would have gone to bed hours ago. But I did get a chance to catch up on some blogs and youtube. And at least I'm not sick tonight. That's always a plus.

P.S. Thanks, Julie for showing interest. :)

Upgrading Part 2: The Long Haul

I spent the last 4 hours using partimage to back up my partitions, and as you can see, I'm not even close to being done. I probably should have waited a few days or something because their servers are getting completely hammered right now. But I really do want to see what's new. I've seen the topic discussed on some forums, but no one has actually completed the download yet.

Oh, and the remaining time keeps fluctuating between 7 hours and 4 days with a minimum downspeed of 268 bps. Yes, bits per second. BITS! AOL wasn't even this slow! But it does give me ample time to surf the Internet before Jason gets home.

P.S. If this breaks my wifi capability heads are gonna roll!

Upgrading Edgy

Feisty Fawn (the newest version of Ubuntu) came out today! I'm going to back up my data and upgrade right now! I'm kind of weary about the upgrade breaking my wifi support, but that's the point of the backup. I can't wait to see what works better (or worse) and maybe I'll finally be able to upgrade my BOINC client, allowing me to use CPU throttling so it doesn't steal all my clock cycles anymore.

I broke some packages the other day by editing my sources list, allowing me to download cutting edge versions of some of my software. I realized I killed the I/O library that lets my camera work with the photo import tool. Hopefully the upgrade will fix it, but I can always figure out how to fix it later.

*excitement*

One Year

It's been one year since I started blogging. I don't remember why I started or where I wanted to go with it, but there's one thing I know. It's really helped me be honest with people, and really myself. It helps me open up, express myself, and really understand what I'm feeling. It's been a really great experience for me.

It took a lot for me to start this. I debated for almost a week whether I really wanted to start this blog. I even went to Jason, maybe hoping he would tell me it's a bad idea. I took another 3 days trying to find the perfect name, probably hoping I'd get bored and give up. But I eventually mad my first post. It was, of course, about childish name calling - a recurring theme.

I have a hard time being completely honest with people, sometimes even Jason. It's really crippling because it keeps me from doing normal things like hanging out with my friends. I know I've been blaming on depression, but I really think it's the cause of my depression. I really want to start vlogging on youtube and hang out with my friends more, but I have a hard enough being honest here, in my words and occasional photograph. But I'm going to try really hard because if I can do it here, I'm sure I can do it in person.