I'm Not a Zombie

I've been thinking a lot tonight because that's what I do when I can't sleep. Actually I've been watching YouTube. But that brings up an interesting point. Since I graduated ran out of money for college (and probably long before that) I've been letting other people tell me what to think and believe. It's been incredibly long since I'm formulated my own opinion about anything. I've been so caught up in what other people think that I've just been kind of letting them control me.

I'm not talking about telling me what to wear or where to go. I've been just believing everything people have been telling me. I remember in high school I protested everything that I didn't agree with. I got into a dozen arguments a day because that's who I am. I don't like to just agree with people. That's why I originally started Rich Magazine; as a way to rebel against authority without making too much of a ruckus. But somewhere since then, everything has changed.

I haven't written anything that I actually agree with in two years. The script that I wrote just isn't me. I hate how the entire story goes, and I think that's why I'm so hesitant to finish. The actors are great, I just don't like the characters and their actions. They just don't represent how I feel. That's because I wrote it for everyone else. I was writing it with Marie and Jason in mind because I wanted to please them. And that's fine. It's good to write for your audience, but I got so distracted that I completely bypassed everything that I wanted.

I used to write short stories in my spare time. I wrote them for myself and I never showed anyone. They were good because they were true. I wrote what I thought and that's what makes writing good. Imagine if Steven King or Douglas Adams wrote for his audience rather than himself. How could The Stand have turned out so deviously intriguing if it had been written for readers with personal involvement as a side note. Or would the Guide's entries have been rewritten for their intended audience? Sure, they would have made more sense to most people but the irony and sophisticated humor would have been completely removed.

I figured out why I haven't been able to write anything. I've been too caught up in what people want to read. I don't really care, and I should remain not to do so. Just in the last hour I have gotten so much done because I've created a private sandbox called My Documents. No one knows what I'm doing so no one can tell me what to do, inadvertently or otherwise.

Forming my own opinions again also makes a huge difference. I don't know what I was thinking and I don't know how I got into my rut. It just kind of happened but now that I'm out I feel so much better. It's actually indescribable. So I'm not going to bother, but it is really great. I think tomorrow I'm going to go for a nice long walk and do some thinking. I'm also making a new blog for Rich Magazine. It's not going to be like the Ubuntu blog, either. But hey, I might start that up again.

You may notice that this post is kind of long compared to a lot of my other ones. That's because I have something to say. I'm not writing because I feel obligated or because I want to tell people something. I've been terrified not to step on anyone's toes with this blog because I know people read it. But this little spot of the Internet is mine and I'll use it however I want, even if it does mean occasionally offending people.

Okay, now I'm rambling so I should probably channel my energy into something else before I lose it. I think it might already be fading, but I hope I'll still have it in the morning. Have a good night everyone.