What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

EDIT: Ignore this post! I feel better now.



Here it is 3:30 in the morning and I'm sitting at my computer, sick, when I should be getting some much needed sleep. I don't remember the last time I actually got an entire night's sleep because I can't stop thinking about everything that's going on. It just seems like no matter what I do everything is against me all the time.

When I was a kid I had a hard time making friends because I always felt different from the other kids. The fact that I missed the first week of Kindergarten because I had mono didn't help either. Then I just decided to give up on making friends because there didn't really seem to be much of a point. I guess I'm paying for it now because I rarely leave my room or talk to anyone anymore. I even have a hard time calling my best friend, who I haven't seen in 6 months.

I really feel bad about that because I want to go into filmmaking and it's all about having connections, but I find it impossible to connect with even my close friends, let alone people who are more important than me. And I've always been reclusive so I don't have the social skills to be a moderately good director, which became obvious when I filmed that short a while back. I feel like I fucked that up and now I'm going to be alone my entire life. (I know Jason will always be there, of course)

In high school I started hanging out with people a little, but I hung out with all the wrong people and did all the wrong things. I used to do a lot of drugs, which I kind of regret because there's this part of my life that's kind of blurry, and now every time I can't remember a detail about something or can't solve a thought puzzle I wonder if it's my fault or if I'm just not that bright.

I took all the wrong classes in high school too. I don't know why, but my counselor failed in every way to help me. I don't blame her or anything, I just wish she would have been more helpful. I took a wide range of classes that aren't going to help me just because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I took a nutrition class where I kind of learned how to cook, a handful of business classes, the requirements, and an engineering class (I should have taken the higher level ones because I really enjoy making things). I never made it higher that Algebra II and Geometry I, and I never took a single art class, which I deeply regret because I want to pick that up now and I'm having a really hard time doing so.

College for me was a big mistake. I had some great experiences and classes, sure, and they rewrote a bunch of outdated computer science tests because of smart ass comments I scribbled down while testing out of classes, but I really wish I could do it all over. The thing is that I went to an expensive, stuffy business college. I really thought I wanted to go into computers, and I still might, but I want to continue with my filmmaking. I wasted all that money and I can't even get a transcript out of them.

That's because I owe them money. Not just my maxxed out student loan, but a back balance of about $2500 which I have no way to repay. I should have applied for more scholarships when I was in high school and not screwed around my first two years because then I could have gotten one of those scholarships the school district just throws at everyone with a 4.0 GPA. Then I could have gone to a real college. Otherwise it's pretty though for me to get a scholarship because I'm not disabled, I'm not exactly poor, I'm not an orphan or a minority, and I never accomplished anything important. The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I'm gay (there are quite a few scholarships out there for us), but I just feel uncomfortable applying for one.

So now I'm repaying more than $4000 (my back balance plus my loans) and despite 3 years of extreme job searching, I still can't find a job. Maybe it's me or maybe it's the economy (damn Michigan). I don't know, but it drives me crazy all night. I have no past work experience and the only fancy reference is Jason, being a manager and all. The closest I came was an interview at CVS, but I think I screwed it up because I was nervous and I forgot all the things I was going to say and ask. I wish I could do it over again, but I can't.

To make everything worse, I live at home with my parents. It sucks because every day my mom reminds me that I don't have a job and that I'm freeloading. She acts like I don't even bother and just lay around the house like her. She doesn't have a job either. She also makes me feel bad for being with Jason rather than some cheap floozie (of the female variety). She's uber-Christian so she always throws the God thing in there so she sounds official.

Everything just seems so unfair sometimes. Great opportunities just seem to fall in everyones' laps but I always seem left out. I'm not talking about Jason and his going to New York and his possible new Job. He deserves those things. I'm talking about all my pot head friends (there's nothing wrong with that) that get all the jobs I apply for (4 different occasions), my friend Mike who got his cooshie job because a teacher at my high school thought he should have it and happened to have a connection, and all my loser friends who seem to be so much better off than me.

So my question is: What the Hell is wrong with me?