Incoherence

I haven't really been posting anything recently because I'm still feeling kind of lousy. I don't really want to talk about that today thought because I've been doing enough thinking about it and I'm drained.

I watched some TechCentric today. If anyone is interested in doing some cool stuff with computers, you should watch an episode or two. It's pretty cool, but a lot of the stuff is kind or menial (for me because I'm a geek and know how stuff works behind the pretty interface), but they do have some cool content on their show. They had an interesting segment about logging into Windows (or any other OS) with a credit card which could have been summed up in about 30 seconds, but they do make it interesting.

I also caught up on some podcasts. I figured out how to use Amarok to automatically show me when new episodes are avaliable (I could have it download them, but I don't have all that much disk space on this machine and I don't want to clog waste it on content I could just as easily stream). RSS is a pretty cool concept, even though it seems excessively simple. I've been finding a lot of really nice fonts that I'd like to use in future posters and the such. I really want to get back into graphic design (and remake my RIAA poster), but I get distracted by all the negativity I'm surrounded by.

I've been listening to a lot of Richard Cheese. If you want to listen to something new you should check him out. He's a cover lounge singer who has some remakes of really great songs. There's a fantastic big band version of Enter Sandman by Metallica and a lot of other really great songs. There is more music available on his myspace profiles.

I moved my bed to another wall today mostly so I could get to my closet without moving that stupid organ, but also to give myself kind of a new perspective. Every day for the last week I've been slouched in the same spot on my bed and I'm sick of it. I do feel better now, probably because of the exercise but maybe partially due to new arrangement. It's less cramped in here and I finally have some space to move around in.

I'm still trying to find a job, and this small town still really sucks. But I'm putting more applications in tomorrow, and hopefully I'll find something. I don't even care where at this point, as long as it gets me out of this house and away from this house.

I want to get healthy too. I've been drinking a lot less caffeine (I don't even remember the last time I had any coffee) and I'm thinking about starting to life weights again. The only problem is that I'm kind of lazy and never stick to a routine once I set it. I really would like to look good though. I've always wanted to be one of those guys with nice muscle tone and a cute face. I know Jason likes the way I look, but I really don't.

Oh, and I'm really sick of how everyone hates everyone else. I've been trying to write something about it for my myspace blog (because a lot more people see it than this one), but it just hasn't been coming out right. I don't want to offend anyone and I know no matter what I say I'll offend someone. Not that I really mind offending people, but there's a limit on what I'm willing to say to people.

But that's enough about me. Tell me how you guys are. Seriously. Leave a comment and let me know.

The Past Few Days

I've been feeling pretty bad lately and despite numerous cries for help ("I need a hug" in big friendly letters on my myspace page, a bulletin on myspace saying I have everyone, a giant picture of me pointing tinted slightly blue. etc.), no one really seems to notice. A few people asked me if I was okay, but that it. And Jade just hugged me which was really nice, but I've just been feeling really alone lately. I really don't have anyone I can count on. I know I can count on Jason, but there's nothing he can do about my situation.

The day I posted that picture my mom and I had another fight. Obviously my attitude sucks or something (because I told her she has to speak English rather than Gibberish if she wants me to help her) and threatened to kick me out. For the third day in a row. It's no surprise though, I know I'm not wanted in this house. I feel it every day. Yet, she finds it necessary to constantly remind me. And I'm getting sick of it.

So I called Sarah, the girl who offered to let me live with her all those weeks ago. She never called me back, but Jason ended up talking to her and seeing what's going on. After promising many times to let me live with her, her 35 year old, married boyfriend didn't react too well to the idea. If she talked to him before she made all these offers and promises I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Moving in with her was really a last resort. I didn't want to go, and I still don't, but I have to do something. And now there are no options left.

That really hurts, knowing you're not wanted anywhere and you have no one to turn to. For the first time in my life I'm ready to leave this horrid place and no one wants me. These two months I've been worrying about whether it was a mistake to stay here, and now it doesn't matter anyway. Even if I agreed to move in with Sarah, I couldn't have. And now I'm stuck somewhere I'm extremely unwanted. And I can't do anything about it because I can't find a job because I live in a shithole of a town.

I've been depressed since then. I really hate myself. I've lost motivation to do pretty much anything and I'm in the hole I was in a year ago. I really want to feel better, but I can't because every day I'm reminded of how unloved I am. And that makes it hard to love myself.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and worn out. There's so much I want to say, but don't know how to. That's probably the most frustrating thing of all.

Blue

I don't feel like talking today. So I'm not going to. I just wanted to let everyone know how I feel.

Alone in my Room with a Sweatshirt

I don't suppose I had a horrible birthday this year. My mom gave me a Jesus money clip and a game the I wanted. She also bought some dishes that we are eating off from now on and claimed that they're somehow mine. My dad gave me the copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I had watched the night before. My aunt gave me a box of junk food that I'm too depressed to eat. We had Jet's Pizza. My mom took me to the bank to open a savings account using money that I now can't pay bills with. She then drug me to Kimball Township and attempted to make me drive home illegally, getting mad and throwing a tantrum when I wouldn't. The only memorable thing about this birthday is the feeling that Jason's gift gave me, and that's starting to get drown out by anger.

I'm angry at myself for letting my mom treat me the way she does. There's no need for it. For some reason I keep remembering the day she stormed in here and yelled at me for being gay. That was the same day she told me she's my only ally. It made me feel so bad, but I didn't say anything to her. I didn't tell her to shut up, I didn't ask her to be accountable for her actions, and I definitely didn't set her straight. Of course, it came back to the most distorted and misquoted book ever written.

But still, people tell me I should believe in god. The same god that made me the way I am, and made a million people who's only purpose is to condemn me in his name. The same god that made this lousy planet with this lousy race of people. The same god who could make the universe in 8 days, but couldn't make a simple book, leaving that up to stupid people who probably made half of the shit up anyway. A book where we can completely ignore some lines, calling them obsolete, while maintaining that the following line is still a sin, regardless of it appearing anywhere else in that stupid book. Yeah, I'll believe in that.

I didn't get to spend Valentine's with Jason, and I didn't even get to call him because my cousin was here (yet another thing I took shit for). I knew it would be a long four months while Jason is in New York, but I wasn't prepared for this. Today I realized how much I need Jason. I need him to be here to hold me and tell me everything is alright (although he does a pretty good job over the phone). After my mom pulled her usual shit today, I curled up on my bed with the sweatshirt he left for me. It doesn't really smell like him anymore because I used to sleep with it, but it's still comforting.

When Jason gets home, he's going to get more hugs and kisses from me than he'll know what to do with.

EDIT: The stupid bitch just barged into my room and got mad because I don't want her to talk to me. She completely denies what she did to me in the car and claims that I was mad because I didn't want to go fix Donna's computer. (I don't think I explained what happened today. Damn) Nevermind.

Yay, Life

Continuing the tradition of posting only when I'm in a bad mood, I figured now would be a good time. As many of you know (if anyone reads this lousy old thing anymore) tomorrow is my birthday. You may also know that I hate my birthday, as well as most (if not all) holidays. Here's a little glimpse into why:

2001: I told my parents I wanted a punching bag for Christmas. They insisted I needed to pick it up with them and then preceded to drive around yelling at each other because they couldn't find the store. All the while I'm in the back almost in tears saying "Let's go home." When we finally do find a sports store my mom insists that I'm too young to use a punching bag, but purchases it anyway. When we get home my dad is mad because he has to hang it. For many weeks my mom would get angry when I use it, saying it makes the whole house shake and keeps complaining until I stop using it for it's intended purpose and convert it into a seat.

Today: My mom and I get into an argument about how bad of a person I am and she threatens again to kick me out. I tell her I have places I can go, and she gets angry. She then tells me that she's been out in the kitchen working hard on my present (a set of dishes for when I move out - we already ate off them), like it's such a huge inconvenience to wash some fucking dishes. I told her I don't want to celebrate my birthday and she gets more offended than anything and goes in the other room and cried. That made me feel like the bad guy even though she's the one who came into my room and started arguing with me (She was mad because I told Steve to get his fat ass out of my way).

I pretty much hate myself right now. I was feeling pretty low the other day, and Jason swooped in to make it all better, but now I feel even worse than I did that day. The number 1 reason I hate myself: [this space intentionally left blank, but we all know what it is]. Thanks mom. :)

The Art of Gift Giving

I feel a lot better that I have been. I got Jason's birthday gift yesterday and he told me I could open it. I knew he got it at Barnes and Noble, but I really had no idea what it was. I thought it would probably be that book I saw about Ubuntu or a podcasting book. Maybe even a tie in of some sort to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or something like that. But the box was filled with something much better.

There were two books. The first one was The Portable Film School, a book designed to teach you what you need to know about filmmaking when film school isn't an option. That really meant a lot to me because I told Jason how much that previous fiasco with the local filmmakers (the one where I felt really out of place because of lack of experience) bothered me. The second book was what really hit me. I've been seriously thinking about possibility of becoming a game designer for a while, but I don't really talk about it a lot because I don't like people getting all excited about stuff that I may never do. I may have told Jason about it once or twice, but I didn't think he'd remember. The second book was The Art of Game Production.

When I saw those two books, for the first time in what seems like forever, I felt like someone actually believes in me. Jason encourages me all the time, but I kind of feel like he says it because it's his job to. But this gift filled me with such a sense of encouragement that I cried. I admit it. I feel really good about myself now.

And now my parents are fighting. Not about going ALL THE WAY to Port Huron to get me some lousy birthday gift that I probably won't even like, but about cooking two fucking hot dogs for me to eat, which I ate half raw, but the way.

A Lousy End to a Great Week

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been feeling good (beccause my mom was out of state), but those days are over. My mom's friend is stalking me online again. It's really annoying because she'll send me a message on myspace, making it an emergency, telling me to log onto Yahoo Messenger, and then she'll ask me all sorts of intrusive questions, including (but not limited to): why don't i have a girlfriend/car/job, don't I like money, don't I like girls, and why don't I date her daughter, who is 17. I don't know if it's just me, but I get really irritated when she does it at 11 PM and I can't sleep thereafter. I'll log off and she'll leave comments on my myspace asking why I don't want to talk to her.

If I had a way to communicate with all my friends I'd just delete my myspace and ignore my Yahoo Messenger, not that I use it much anyway. I know she looks at my myspace, so I can't post sappy love poems about Jason and really any information about myself. I feel like my privacy is being violently invaded, even though I'm posting in an inherently public place. Which brings me to my question: Where exactly do we draw the line between normal online interaction, and stalking?

When Steph started talking to me she asked me some (moderately less) intrusive questions about about the person I was currently dating to force me to admit I'm gay. That was fine, even though I don't think we'd had many actual conversations before that. This woman is doing the same thing now, but it's greatly unwanted. If she wasn't my mom's friend I would just block her, but I don't want it to get back to my mom because she complains that I'm unfriendly as it is, and she'll probably agree that I should date the 17 year old daughter (because I'm apparently not gay, sorry Jason).

It's just a big mess and I'm starting to realize the effect of having an Internet presence, both good and bad. It's not that I really value privacy that much. I've never really had it before and I don't expect to much in the future. You can ask me any question about myself (give it a shot) and I'll answer it. But I can't seem to get around the fact that there are certain things in my life that my mom's friends and family wouldn't approve of, not that I give a good God damn what they think, but I know my mom does. And even then, my mom disapproves of every single activity I have ever participated in, namely: filmmaking, writing, and producing Rich Magazine.

That's my little dilemma for the week. Other than that, I've been learning some CSS, thinking of a million ideas for youtube and Rich Magazine, thnking of ideas for that film I want to make, and doing some handy work (I'll post about that when it's all done). Oh, and I'm finally in the process of installing Linux on the 166 to make a nice little server. While my mom was gone I cleaned the house (especially the computer room, which was a complete disaster) really well, but there was something missing....Jason.

A Technical One

Yesterday Jason was flustered because his computer stopped functioning properly and he nearly lost all his data. He recently got a new MP3 player which came preinstalled with a nice set of malware. That in itself was no problem, as it was easy to remove with a few simple registry edits. Jason backed up the registry and tried every available recovery method to return the computer to a functioning state after the registry edit did it's damage. Still, none of them worked and it almost resulted in the loss of valuable data. This should teach us a few lessons:

1. Backup your data. A lot. CD's and DVD's can be useful if you don't have a whole lot of data, but a lot of times it's just not enough. I really recommend investing in an external hard drive (or buying a cheap internal hard drive and a USB enclosure) and using it only for backups. Turn it off and unplug it (from the wall outlet) when it's not in use to ensure your data will be safe. Maybe even make monthly backups of this drive on DVD+-RW media if you're really paranoid. Another viable option would be backing up your data to another partition on your hard drive. That way, when simply reinstalling Windows, your data will be safely tucked away elsewhere. This option however, won't save you from disk failure or malware that may repartition and format your drive.

2. Have multiple partitions. Of course, you could put your data on a separate partition to begin with and save a lot of trouble. This won't work if you forget to keep all your data on the other partition, which will be displayed as a seperate drive (or you could mount a particular folder to the partition in XP/2000). I generally have a small Windows partition, a large (20 GB+) data partition, and another large partition for installed programs. Having multiple partitions also increases (perceived) disk performance and reduces fragmentation. This is not a replacement for backing up files regularly though, and you can still lose data if your drive fails.

3. Always have a Linux boot disk available. The Windows installation CD can be a valuable tool in recovering your Windows installation without losing data, when it works. Instead, try KNOPPIX, a richly featured Linux distribution that runs directly from the liveCD. Just pop in the disc, and you'll be given full access to your Windows drive. It does help to know what you're doing and fortunately you'll also have full access to the Internet (assuming you have broadband). You can even run regedit, even though it's in a round about way (importing your Windows registry into wine, editing it, and then overwriting the file). Having a copy of the KNOPPIX CD is always a good idea just in case.

That's just something to think about. If you don't do anything else on the list, absolutely backup! You'll thank me later.

Diablo and Slacking

I googled slackgeek today because I'm making a userbar (just for myself) and I don't want people to think it's for some other site and getting all disappointed when they end up here. There's a site in Spanish called slackgeek.net, but it looks like a blog, so I'm not worried about confusing people. Interestingly though, Link #8 caught my eye because it seemed all too familiar. I was kind of surprised to show up on the first page, even though I picked a moderately cryptic URL. It's kind of cool either way.

Ooh...#1 on Altavista, oddly followed directly by my Deviantart profile.

I haven't really been doing a whole lot lately. Diablo 2 is up there on my list. I started a new character today and decided that Druid is the most amazing class ever, or at least to begin the game with. Not only is my character pretty strong, but he also has some really nice elementals and some interesting looking shape shifting abilities. It's a great game, but it requires your to sit down and just play for at least 3 hours at a time to really get into it and I just don't have the contiguous free time.

I also made the first post at Ubuntu Beginnings yesterday. It's pretty bland, but you have to crawl before you can walk. I don't want to completely bore people though, and I know I wouldn't come back after reading that. But that's just me.

The problem with having more than one blog is repetition. I keep finding myself saying some of the same things here and at the procrastination blog. But I'll try harder to focus on the issue there, while just being myself here.

So that's a quick update on what's going on with me.

P.S. It's Jason's birthday!

Another Side Project

So I didn't set up my SETI server or LFS system. I want to download Slackware 11 before I start that and Ktorrent keeps crashing my system, so I have to fix that, but I keep getting distracted by a million things. I did do this though. Yes, another blog.

Today, Recapped

You may have noticed that I changed the template to something a little less flashy. Well, something almost nonexistent. You may (or may not) also be wondering where the URL for my blog came from. So I thought I'd talk about that today.

When I was first getting into Linux I was disoriented by the sheer number of distributions available. After I looked through a long list I came across one called Slackware 9.1 (not the Slackware logo I made in the sidebar). The name sounds friendly and easy to use, so I thought I'd give it a shot. It turns out that it's in fact the first, and least user friendly distribution available and gets it's name from the fact that it's so stable you could run it for years with minimal maintenance. So I learned Linux the hard way, and it was the best thing I ever did. The thing I like the best about Slackware is it's minimalism. It doesn't come with a bunch of crap you'll never use and it runs more smoothly than any other OS I've used. So that's what's up with my template.

I also started contributing to SETI@home today. The idea is simple SETI (the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) doesn't have nearly enough data crunching power to examine all the information they collect from their satellites and telescopes, so they let other people do it for them. You install a client on your computer, put in an email address, and they start sending data to you a few megabytes at a time. The client software runs in the background and processes the data using your computer's idle cycles, leaving your computer running without a performance hit. When it finishes processing, it sends the data back and retrieves more, and the cycle continues. I think it's a pretty good use of computing power because I've always been interested in SETI and just the universe in general.

In fact, I'm going to set up a SETI server tomorrow using the 166. I think when I figure out how to make the SETI client use all the available processor cycles it'll get more done than just the idle cycles of my laptop. I'm also going to install Slackware 11 on my 333 and start my Linux from Scratch on a separate partition. I think that would be better than installing the starter OS (which is needed because you need certain software to compile the same certain software), then installing LFS and then removing the original partition.

Yes, I Realize You're Tired of Hearing Me Bitch

I still don't feel any better. Jason has been really supportive and so have some of my friends, but it's not really helping much. Jason and have been playing this great MMORPG called Conquerer, and it's really taken my mind off things, but it's only temporary. I'm so incredibly tired right now, but I just can't sleep because there's sop much going on inside my head.

I went to a meeting for the movie that a friend is filming. I felt really out of place because everyone else was either going to film school, graduated from Specs Howard, been doing it for years, or at least knew what they were doing. I don't fall into any of those categories. Then when I was introducing myself I got done and the director said (although I'm pretty sure it was to be funny) "And he's our PA?" That really made me feel like an ass. I also don't know what they expect of me and what they want me to do. So, all in all it was a pretty lousy experience, but that's not much of a surprise considering my filmmaking track record.

I've also had one of my mom's friends pestering me over Yahoo Messenger. She'd ask me things like why I don't have a job and a car, if I have a girlfriend, if I have a lot of friends, and things of that nature. It was really annoying because I get enough of that from people who live here and I come into my room just to get away from it, and then I get assaulted online. I think my mom probably coaxed her into bugging me about a job, but I don;t know why she asked me if I have a lot of friends. I guess my mom could have told her I never leave the house, which is mostly true.

It's not my fault my only friends live out of state (I consider the UP out of state because you might as well live in Wisconsin, Julie). I can't help that I'd rather read stuff on the Internet all day and be somewhat social at a select handful of forums than go hang out at Mike's apartment and do nothing. I wish I had more of a life, but I don't. And that's that.

I also spread myself too thin. I'm trying to maintain this blog, Rich Magazine, and that Ubuntu blog I never even ended up starting as well as write a Draia fanfilm, an assload of dramas, a comedy or two, a couple science fiction flicks that I don't have a budget to film, and some skits to put up on youtube. And I've been trying to learn to play guitar for ages, I still haven't gotten HTML down, and I completely forgot about learning C++. But I got all the skill points in Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando. I play mostly when I'm depressed. I'm surprised I'm not playing right now.

I'm also worried that I have no talent, because I really don't. It takes me a year to write anything decent, and it just makes it's way to the round file anyway. I can't motivate people worth shit(I have an experience to prove it), so I'll be a lousy filmmaker. Despite what people think, I'm pretty lousy with computers and have little knowledge apart from tiny tidbits that I gathered in the 3 years I went to school for it. I'm intolerably shy, so I can't really work that well with people. The only thing I can really do is complain. Maybe I should go to school to be a politician.

If I could afford to go back to school. But then I'd have to choose a major and I don't think scapegoat is on the list. I was thinking of a better word, I just can't think of it because I'm terribly tired, but I can't sleep because there are so many things bugging me. None of my friends are online, and I already tried to call Jason. I just want someone to talk to, but this entire half of this stupid rock we inhabit is asleep. But here I am, wide awake and desperate for attention. You can tell I'm desperate because I just tried to IM Joe. And Justin, who I only know from the forum and I doubt really wants to hare about it, but he is really supportive at times. And everyone else who was supposedly online on myspace.

I guess I'll just have to go watch Bart and Homer for a while.

EDIT: And I think I just made Steph feel bad by talking to her about my problems when she has her own. Sorry.

Update

I've been really depressed for the last couple days and I don't know why. Being away from Jason is part of it, but there's something else. Debby hasn't directly done anything to me for a while, so that's not it. It's just that sometimes people make me feel like everything I do is a waste of time. I make plans to work on a lot of things during the day, but then I let one person ruin all of it. It's partially my fault for spreading myself too thin, but only so much of the blame can go to me. Or maybe it's all my fault. I don't know.

I really do miss Jason. I'd give anything to just be able to sit down with him and play Scrabble or something. We talk every day, but it's not the same.

Somebody...cheer me up. Please?

Primary Problems

I think I'm about due for another nerdy post,so here I go:

I was all set to create a ghost image of my partition (I even deleted 9 gigs of video that I can now stream online), only to realize one critical detail: Windows locks the hard drive that it runs from, which prevents the complete access that I would need to ghost the partition. No problem. I'll just resize this partition and install another copy of Windows. As an added perk, the image would take up less HD space, letting me backup my Ubuntu partition as well.

Nope. I never planned on creating another partition on this hard drive, so I created 3 primary partitions and an extended one, that others can fit inside. The extended partition acts like a primary partition for backwards compatibility, and the maximum number of primary partitions on an IBM PC hard drive is 4. No problem. I'll move the Ubuntu partition into the excess space from the resized Windows partition, move the extended partition into the space the Ubuntu partition took, make the extended partition take up the remainder of the drive that's now empty, and add a logical partition into the extended partition, thus allowing me to install another copy of Windows.

Nope. Partition Magic refuses to move any of the Ext3 (Linux formatted) partitions, even though it recognizes them and I have the Ext IFS driver installed under Windows. No problem. Pop in the Ubuntu CD and repartition the hard drive.

Nope. Using Windows to repartition the drive apparently made a mess of everything, leaving bits and pieces unaccounted for and just being generally inaccurate. The Ubuntu partitioning utility won't touch it because the NTFS table doesn't line up like it should and this and that. No problem. Delete all the partitions, think it through again, and start all over.

So I will. I don't really want to, but I do have some better ideas and I remember some things I hadn't thought of previously. Since I'm basically using a junk installation of Windows now, this will give me a chance to figure out how to crack all my games so I don't have to do it later. After all, sometimes a No-CD crack is really a Trojan Horse in disguise. Other times it's as simple as copying files from the CD's data folder to the HD and editing a few registry keys. Ahh, how I've missed my adventures into the deep abyss that is the Windows registry.

I also came up with a good use for my old computer. I'm going to build Linux from scratch. Basically, instead of downloading a pre-made distrobution, such as Ubuntu or Slackware, I'll be making my own from the current version of the Linux kernel and whatever I feel like putting in it. I recall a time, in my Slackware days, when I tried to compile the kernel from source (the machine code that makes the program run). I gave up after three days. Wish me luck with this. It should be a really good learning experience though.

Jason has been gone for a whole week now and I really miss him. It's more than just his warm hands on my back or his strong embrace. It's the way he looks at me and the way he makes me feel. I know he misses me too because he's said so every night since he left. I can't wait for him to get back so I can hold him all night. I still maintain my happiness that he got this opportunity though, because he really deserves it.

I wrote an article for Rich Magazine about wifi and I made some userbars, but then something happened. I put it in my signature at the forum, and I suddenly noticed a few more people had them. (I think they all added them the day after) Theirs are all so fancy, and mine are kind of plain. If you want to see them, they're here. I think I'll redesign them, but I don't know what kind of graphic to use because Rich Magazine doesn't have a logo. I guess I could do that tonight instead of lay awake, wondering why I can't sleep.

I also tried to write a little bit today. I want to make a move about a guy orphaned on our planet when he was a child. The thing is: he doesn't know it, but he's been having flashback dreams about it. I don't know how I'll make it and if I'll have actual space travel in the script, although I'd really like to use other planets as a way to ridicule some of the things happening on our own. Sort of the way Douglas Adams did in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, but not on nearly as elaborate a scale. Look forward to the blockbuster hit sometime between next year and 2035, when I think the concept of space travel will be as outdated as all those computer movies from the 80's.

My New Toy

It's been pretty hectic around here since Christmas. I spent a lot of time with Jason since then because he left for New York yesterday. I know it's only been 48 hours since the last time I was with him, but I really really miss him. It's going to be a long four months, but I'll make it through because I love Jason and I know he loves me too. I can't wait for him to come home so I can wrap my arms around him and give him a great big kiss.

I still haven't moved out, but I am still considering it. I know occasionally drives his dad's van and I think I could talk him into helping me if I need. I'll give it some time and if things get worse around here, I'll leave.

Jason gave me a laptop, which was really generous of him. The first thing I did, naturally, was install Ubuntu. It runs really well, but I can't get the PCMCIA Wifi card to work. It uses Realtek's RTL8185 chipset, which there is an official driver for, but it's a bitch to compile and has issues working with Debian (and Debian based) distrobutions. I also tried using NDISwrapper, which allows you to use a Windows compatible driver for the card and emulate the Windows functionality using a few obscure APIs. That didn't work, and I don't know why because I'm not terribly familiar with the software. There's an unofficial, open source driver, which also didn't work. Basically if I don't get this card to work I can just buy a new card based on the Linux friendly chipset.

I also installed Windows so I can play games. That went pretty well too, eventually. Let's just say Microsoft's piracy countermeasures hurt legitimate users too. I am having a problem with static in the audio though. I know it's a software issue because it works just fine under Ubuntu, and I think it worked before I updated the audio driver from Dell's site. I tried to do a driver rollback, but it didn't give me the option, so I uninstalled the device, but it repeatedly kept returning. But I can access my network and the Internet, so I'm happy.

I also wanted to make a ghost image of my OS partitions so I won't have to reinstall and reconfigure Windows and (unlikely) Linux when I decide I need a fresh start. The problem is that none of the programs I looked at eliminate the free space from the copy, so I'll need 15 GB of free space just to back up my less than 3 gig Windows installation. I'm pretty sure the new version of Norton Ghost has this feature, but I don't have the $60 to shell out. But I really do want to back up the installation of Windows before the performance starts degrading. Hmph.

I've been trying to write over the past few days. I really need to get going on Rich Magazine and Ubuntu Beginnings (I started that one a LONG time ago). I don't know why, but I just don't feel motivated to do anything right now. It could be because I was preocupied with a new computer to play around with and Jason's leaving, but I don't know. I'm also in the middle of writing several movie scripts and a few shorts. You'd think now that I can leave my room and still use a computer I'd get more done, but I'm really not. I know! It could be because my mom's been home and she makes me nervous.

That's about it. Have a good week everyone.

Today's Cry for Attention

Until just a few hours ago I was incredibly excited about going to Jason's friend's New Year's Eve party. That was before I told my mom about it. She was okay with me going to a party until I told her I was going with Jason. Then she immediately said this is why she wanted me to get my permit and said something about morals or morality. I can't remember because I was too busy being hurt by her sudden change in attitude. And people think I hate the holidays for no reason.

She also has an issue with my door being closed. But this only applies when people are staying here overnight, which seems to be happening an awful lot lately. She would rather make my life completely miserable than have someone discover that she raised a dirty faggot. I know that's what she thinks because I've been around my granfather enough to know how she was raised. It really sucks being white trash, and I'm stuck here in the middle of this shit, which isn't fair. It wasn't my choice to be white trash, just like it's not my choice to be gay.

But she acts like it is. There was this event about a month ago that I didn't blog about because I was hurt too much. My mom and I were arguing about something stupid (I think it was cookie cutters) and I must have made her really mad because she followed me into my room, slammed the door and started yelling about how one day she'll be my only friend. First off, that's complete bullshit because she's not even close to being a friend now and second, I have lots of people I can turn to (kind of). But when I asked her why she was trying to make me feel bad and she turned right around and claimed that I made myself feel that way because of the choices I made. That hurt me so bad that I didn't come out of my room or even talk to anyone for two days and then she got mad at me for being hurt. That is fucking bullshit no matter how you look at it.

It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I was the only one affected. But every time she does something to me it hurts Jason just as much. That's what really gets me. I really hate telling him things that happen, but he insists it's better to be honest and I don't want to leave him out of my life, but I don't want to tell him just for him to get hurt. It's even gotten to the point where he feels unwelcome at my house (he even told me so), and to be perfectly honest, so do I. And even though I'm not the one hurting Jason and myself, I am mostly to blame.

I had every chance to get out of here. Jason (and everyone else in my life) has been pushing me so hard to leave, but I don't think I can. One thing I just thought about today is my student loan bill. I still owe them $800 and unless I get a job in the first week after moving, I'm going to have to skip a few payments. I really don't want to do that. And I know I can't rely on my dad to pay it every week because I practically have to kiss his ass to get him to pay it on time now. It may seem like a stupid reason to stay here to most people, but remember: I'm terrified about not having enough money to cover my bills.

I don't know how to tell my mom I'm leaving either. She's going to get mad and make it all about her. She'll probably even say some mean things about Jason and me that'll make me feel horrible and I'll sit alone in my dark room and not want to do anything, let alone move. Even if she doesn't say anything about me I'm pretty sure she thinks she's doing the right thing when she says mean things. That means when I move out she'll be hurt and I'll feel even worse than I do now.

And once I move out, there's no real reason for me to feel better. The things she's said and done to me are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I still think about the time she accused me of plagiarism because I got an A on my English paper, and that was 7 years ago. I still remember the time she and my dad yelled at each other about me in the car, on the way to the sport store, on my birthday. She denies all these things, but I remember them like they were this morning. And they all still hurt just as much as they did all those years ago. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt very deep.

And now I'm pretty much out of time to move out. Jason leaves for New York in 6 days and I can't think of anyone else who would help me move 40 miles at the drop of a hat. And even if I did, I don't have anywhere to put all my extra stuff. Sarah doesn't really have that much space in her apartment and I don't actually want to take up any of it. I'll feel like an inconvenience even if I do only take up a little space. I just don't want to intrude on her private space.

I know I can make excuses all day, but I really don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get out of here more than I want anything else. But....That's as far as I got. I know I want to leave, but I can't and I don't know why. You have no idea how frustrating that is. Maybe you do, I don't know. Some of you probably do.

On top of all that, Jason is leaving. I'm not going to see him for 4 whole months, and I don't want to do that. As much as I want him to go, I want him to stay here with me twice as much. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want to live without seeing his beautiful smile, hearing him laugh when I tickle him, and just being able to lay there next to his warm body. I really regret all the times he wanted to cuddle and I didn't feel like it because now I'm not going to get the chance for a third of a year.

But I truly am excited for Jason's opportunity. People would kill for a chance like this, and Jason is lucky enough to get it. In this business it really is all about who you know and this is Jason's foot in the door. The connections he builds while he's in New York will last the rest of his life. I'm really happy that Jason gets to go do this because he really deserves it. I just hope he still feels the same way about me when he gets home.

The past few weeks haven't been all bad. I got to see Amanda and Sean the other day. It was my first time meeting Sean and the first thing he said was "Hey, it's that famous guy!" At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but it turns out he has a copy of The Rich Show, and I guess he liked it. We all hung out at the Raven coffee shop in Port Huron and we didn't talk about much, but it was fun.

I also got to hang out with Steph yesterday. We were going to work on her movie, but none of us really felt like it, so we went to Taco Bell and saw Black Christmas instead. It was an average, run of the mill slasher flick, but I really liked it because it summed up my feelings about Christmas rather nicely.

That's all I have to say today. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad or anything. I just wanted to get some things off my chest.

It's Christmastime

I thought that maybe I would get a chance to just be happy on Christmas. What was I thinking? I should have known my mom would start her shit. She always tells herself (and everyone around her) that I'm going to grow up, marry a girl, have kids, and live a perfect little life that she invented for me. It makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I have to pretend that I'm something I'm not for the rest of my life and I don't think I can do that.

I've been writing more since I got back from Houghton. It really was nice to just get out of the house for a while. I had a really great time even though I'm really shy and I didn't really say a whole lot. But I had a good time anyway.

I just completely ran out of things to say. Have a great holiday season everyone.

Tag: Delayed Reaction

I got caught up in a game of tag going around Blogger, being tagged by my friend, and the first person to ever comment on my blog Jade. Now I have to list 5 things my readers might not know about me, so here it goes.

1. I'm terrified of handling money. I think it's because my parents never had any money when I was a kid and they always yelled at each other about it. Now whenever I go into a store I get terribly nervous if I have less than four or five times what I'm spending. I also worry about bills from the day I pay it until the day the next one arrives.

2. Even though I act it, I'm not really the creative type. Sure, I have ocasional bursts of creativity, but what I blame on writer's block is actually normal for me. I can visualise vivid details of what I'd like to see, but I can never go any farther than that. I can't communicate them, and most of the things I think of are random, completely unrelated tid bits.

3. I can't touch type. Most people wouldn't really care, but I take great pride in being a geek and I can't even type without looking at the keys. On top of that, I get extremely self concious when people watch me type and I make a ton of mistakes, especially if I'm trying to avoid looking at the keys.

4. I have poor sleeping habits. I might not even suffer from insomnia like I tend to talk about. The truth is that I usually stay on my computer until 3 AM because I'm afraid of just laying down and thinking. I also eat and drink right before bed because I get hungry. And I don't associate my bed with only sleeping. It's basically a giant chair/table.

5. I'm a vouyer. I love listening to what people have to say. I watch people's vlogs and I read blogs, but I rarely post anything myself (except for here) or respond to other peoples' posts. I just find peoples' storeis really interesting.

In other news, I'm currently at Michigan Technicological Institute in Houghton, MI. It was an 8 hour drive (of wihich a countless number were trees), and they don't even have a decent mall! I can't really say I expected them to because it's in the northwestern most tip of the upper peninsula and there is nothing around. It's freezing and I don't know anyone here, but I'm really enjoying myself. It's really nice being out of the house and away from everything that bothers me.

I really do miss Jason though. He's leaving for New York in less than two weeks and I'm all the way up here away from him. I don't know what I'm going to do the whole three months he's gone because right now we've been apart for so long that I can't stand it.

Other than that, I'm feeling a lot better than I have been recently. I got to sleep last night without even worrying about anything. I did toss and turn a little though because it was way too cold in the dorm because of a giant, gaping crack in the window, but that's just fine. I really like it up here becacuse it's nice an quiet, but not so much that there's nothing here. I'd still rather live in Port Huron though.

I Honestly Can't Think of a Title That Would Do This Entry Justice, Not That There's Anything Terribly Special About This Entry

I think I've made a major breakthrough with my depression. I just realized that I've been so worked up about what I have to write for this and that and what I feel like I need to do that I haven't done anything I actually want to do in quite a while, and now it's caught up with me. I think that could be why I sit in front of my computer for hours at a time trying to write, but instead staring into the monitor.

So I'm compiling a list of things I feel like doing. In my next post I'll leave off the things that I actually did for myself, and maybe add a few more as I think of them so I can keep track of what I'm doing. So, here it is:



1. Take some good photos around town (I've always wanted to be a photographer)
2. Get some good exercise (Maybe something more than just a walk)
3. Get in touch with some old friends (Probably Mike and Joe, but who knows)
4. Explore downtown Port Huron (For some reason Water Street fascinates me)
5. Pick up Yoga (no pressure this time, just for fun)
6. Build something (something tangible)
7. Weed through my music collection (I've been downloading faster than I can enjoy)
8. Draw (again, no pressure)
9. Sit down and read the Sunday paper (I'm usually preoccupied with the Internet)
10. Make a new friend (I always wanted to do that)



That's it. If I can do just a few of these 10 things, I think I could be a lot happier. Note that I didn't mention writing at all. Maybe it's a sign?

Special thanks to Matt Jones for making me wonder why I don't do more things for myself.

Slimming Down

Starting today I'm going to get more exercise. I'm going to try eating less junk food too, but I think I'll start with one thing at a time. So after I finish this I'm going for a nice long walk, assuming it's not too cold out. Eh, it's 50 degrees. I think I'll be okay.