I Came Up with a Perfectly Emo Blog Title, but Jason Ate It

How do you tell someone you're supposed to look up to (because of silly human social constructs) you don't want to be around them because they're judgmental when they haven't done anything explicitly judgmental, but you know they would if they knew something about you?

My Aunt Julie (who I used to be kind of close to) started calling me recently and I really don't want to get close to her. She's a Christian and I know how she feels about people like me. I know I don't have to tell her and I could just keep it my little secret, but I'm really tired of pretending to live the way people want me to. I feel like I need to shut and lock the door just to give Jason a hug, and it's really not fair to Jason and me.

I'm not asking people to agree with me or watch. I'm simply asking people to not be such assholes about something that's none of their business. If I want to sit next to Jason in my own room, in my own house, I should be able to. It's not like I'm going out assaulting people, sleeping with my cousin's wives, or picking up dirty old hookers like some other members of my family. And no one says a word about them. Why? Because that's much more normal behavior than putting my arm around Jason.

How do I explain the way I feel to my mom when she takes anything I say on the subject as a confession of guilt? If I say I don't want to be around my aunt because she's judgmental my mom will say it's because I'm obviously doing something wrong. If I don't give her a reason at all she'll say I'm just being an asshole. If I just ignore them, I'm afraid I'll hurt my aunt's feelings. I don't know what to do.

I really don't spend enough time with my friends anymore. I don't suppose I ever really did in the first place. I saw Brian the other day and if it hadn't been for his used squad car I don't think I would have recognized him. I don't want to get old and look back on my life and realize I never did anything worth doing and I never really had any friends. I don't know what to do either here though, because I was never really good at making or keeping friends and I never know what to do around people.