Tuesday, May 30, 2006

So That's Why I Don't Drive

It's been am eventful few days and I'm exhausted. But here goes a long one:

Yesterday my mom was starting shit about the house never being clean. Her friend cams over for a visit, which is very unusual at our house. My mom claims that they had to go outside because house is too dirty to entertain people in the dining room. Her solution: cleaning the living room. As soon as 9:30 PM rolled around and my dad went to work, she started yelling about everything she could think of. At first, she told me I didn't have to help her and she could do it on her own, but then she got mad about me taking care of the kittens she brought into the house instead of helping.

It was all okay, because Jason made an unexpected visit later that night. We spent most of the night chatting with my friend Stephanie, which I feel bad for because I should have been spending that time with him. Apparently, one of his friends turned out to be gay., which is surprising because you wouldn't expect it. He's really popular and all that. This almost gave Jason the courage to come out to his myspace friends, and really anyone who looked at his profile. He asked my opinion and I told him it wouldn't bother me if people made the connection between us.

That got me thinking, why should I be ashamed of who I am? I know I've said this before and it's nothing unusual for someone in my opinion, but I made a revelation. Why should I define who I am around being gay? It's not that big a deal. I have interests and a personality too. Why should I just think of myself as that gay guy who happens to like this or that? The solution is obviously that I shouldn't. That was the original intent of this blog, but I got distracted.

With that mentality I woke up this morning ready to return to work on Rich Magazine. It's this simple double sided half fold satirical magazine that I used to make in high school. I copied the old issues to the hard drive in my bedroom to use as a reference and installed Photoshop on my computer because GIMP can run kind of slow. That's when my mom started in. I'll leave out the details, but she thinks I sit around all day playing games.

Anyway, after dinner Mike called me to come over and work on my script. I went over there and we kind of talked it over for a while. Then we went to Talon's house to drive a go cart. I didn't really want to drive it, but I did anyway. I shouldn't have. I was driving with Joe as my passenger and I've never driven a go cart before. I rolled it over. I'm not saying it wasn't my fault, but the thing didn't have brakes. Or seatbelts for that matter. I made it to the end of the field and there is this turn, but immediatly before it there's a dip and I just kind of lost control. I was going too fast too, only because it didn't slow down as fast as I thought it would.

Joe and I are okay, of course. Joe scraped his elbow and bumped his head. I landed on Joe so all I got was bent glasses and a little scrape on my eye brow. I'm more worried about the go cart. It was somewhat dinged up and the rollcage was bent into the steering wheel. Of all the people who could have wrecked it, it was me, less than 20 seconds into the trip. And people wonder why I don't drive. But Joe said it's okay that I almost killed him. I still feel bad about wrecking it though.

After that we had a bonfire and went back to Mike's apartment. I saw a guy I haven't seen since high school which was weird because he's a lot taller now. It was really cool though. And I also did something today that I don't normally do, which is smoke a cigar. Actually, it was half of Mike's cigar, but it was still something. Now I have that burnt kind of flavor in my mouth and I remember why I quit smoking in the first place. I didn't have anything to drink though. I contemplated it, but I didn't want to come home drunk. I don't drink anymore anyway, but it is Memorial Day and all. Or at least it was an hour ago.

I did hear a lot of gay bashing today though. Maybe that's not the right term, it was just people using the term gay in a negative was. A lot. A whole fucking lot. That made me much less willing to come out to any of my friends. But that's okay because I'm happy not using it to define myself. If anyone asks I'll tell them, but only if they ask. My friends are friends with this other gay guy I went to school with named Denny. I don't know what to think or do, so I choose to do nothing,.

So to recap: I didn't get any work done, I'm a bit sore and bruised (I just noticed), I almost killed one of my best friends, I'm not coming out any time soon, I still don't get along with my mom, I'm motivated to do something I want instead of pleasing a bunch of assholes, I smell like smoke, and I am exhausted. But I had a great day.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Schrodinger's Kittens (and the search for reality)

I've been trying all day to get KNOPPIX to boot on the computer in my bedroom. My friend Joe has been having problems with his D-Link wifi card and KNOPPIX worked for him, so I thought I'd try it. I downloaded and burned the ISO last night and went to sleep. This morning I popped the CD-RW in, but it wouldn't boot. I checked the BIOS setting and it was fine. I couldn't find a bootdisk on the CD or the Internet, so I downloaded a program called SmartBoot and installed it to a floppy. The next problem was that SmartBoot won't work with my USB keyboard, and my motherboard won't work with a normal PS/2 keyboard so I had to hunt through all my boxes for my serial keyboard. It only took an hour, but I finally found it. After all that work, the CD still wouldn't work. I should have known, I need to burn KNOPPIX to a CD-R before this computer will boot it, but I don't have the cash to go out and get some.

We had to adopt those kittens I found behind my garage. The mother cat died and they would have starved. We've been feeding them milk from the pet store and keeping them in my warm room at night. I don't want any more animals. They're all just going to die anyway, and if I don't get attached I'll still feel bad, just not as bad. They are kind of cute and I do like cats, I just don't want any more. I may keep the little white one I named Copenhagen, though. Yes I named them. Copenhagen, Schrodinger, Steve, and Doug, all after physicists, except for Doug who is named after Douglas Adams.

I rewrote my script last night. I got bored, so I just did it. I got tired of waiting for people to send me in their revisions, so I figured I'd get the ball rolling and ditch some of the lousy dialogue. I talked to Marie (the leading lady) today and by the sound of it, she wants to butcher the whole thing and change everything but the premise, which somehow managed to stay firmly in place. I don't really have a problem with that. This is a group effort and I'm not going to prevent people from participating. People have really been helpful recently and I appreciate it a lot.

I also talked to Amanda today. It started out as a normal conversation, until I mentioned watching Advent Children today. She started talking about how all the guys in the movie are hot and she likes Kadaj the best and all that kind of stuff. Then she asked me who I preferred (I came out to her a few weeks ago). I didn't want to answer because it made me feel weird, but she made me. It just makes me uncomfortable talking to anyone about guys. I don't even talk to Jason about guys, mostly because we're together and I don't have any reason to look at other guys. I love Jason. Everyone may get tired of hearing it, but I never get tired of saying it. I love Jason.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Feeling Burned Out

It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm tired and all, but I just feel so burned out. It started two days ago when I worked all day on my script and scheduling and never actually got anything accomplished. I got up at 11, went to my friend's house at noon and bounced around some ideas for a few hours. We did do other things here and there, namely playing 12 rounds of Fight Night, but it was mostly work. I think I was there until around 7, when I came home and e-mailed some people details about the script. Then Jason came over and we worked on it, and when he left I e-mailed some more people. I didn't end up going to bed until about two that night.

Then yesterday I found out that we had a family of cats behind our shed. The kittens are only a few days old, but I kept going out to feed the mother cat. Then I found an old computer in my garage that I tried to get going. It was missing a hard drive and there were rust shavings on the motherboard, so I had to get some compressed air. I completely took it apart, sprayed it and put it back together and after all that, it won't boot. I think the power supply is bad, but it might be something else and I don't feel like messing with it. On top of this I was tired all day because the doorbell kept waking me up, but I didn't realize it was the doorbell until a few hours later because it sounds like this clock I used to have in Oklahoma.

Then today was just a disaster. I didn't have any clothes to wear, so I immediately had to do laundry. By the time I ended up taking a shower my parents were in and they both wanted the bathroom. Then I was expecting someone to send me a revision of the script like she promised, but she didn't. A bunch of glass objects fell off a shelf today, and I had to explain to my mom how it happened. The mother cat died, and we took in the kittens, feeding them with an ear syringe. Then Jason came over and we went to Meijer. On the way we got pulled over and the cop kept asking for my middle name and my birth-date. This was especially irritating because I don't have any form of state endorsed identification; all I have is my old college ID.

I don't know if I want to be a filmmaker anymore. I really don't. If it's this hard to get six people organized, how am I going to work on a more ambitious project? I'm too impatient and I want to see a result now, not some time a month or two away. I'm just not good at this, but I've wanted to do it for so long. And people tell me I should do it.

I'm going to bed and when I get up I'm going to do something for myself. Maybe. I still have to feed those damn kittens every two hours, which wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take such a long time. I just want some time to be alone (or with Jason) and have fun. Is that too much to ask for?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Unlucky Number 13

Ahh, after not having Internet access for three days, I can finally get some work done. I'm currently in the process of producing a romance story and I need to be able to communicate with my potential cast and crew. Which is why I panicked when my router wouldn't connect to my ISP. It turns out they really were down because of a storm, and that my dad had paid the bill. I was told it would come back up yesterday afternoon, but it didn't so I got nervous. I thought I'd never have access again. It turned out my password somehow got lost. I didn't write it down, and I didn't change it, but somehow, it was wrong. It was still entered into the settings, but it just wasn't the right password. After battling the ISP support monstrosity for an hour, I finally got the password reset and on the Internet.

After that, I had kind of a slow start. I listened t a few podcasts I missed and IMed a friend until early afternoon. (talking a bit about the movie) Then I had some business to take care of, so I left my computer for four hours. But when I came back, I finished my script, buttered up some potential cast and crew, got some details taken care of, and passed on the script for further revision. I even got to watch the newest episode of systm. It was about the Maker Fair in California and it rekindled my interest in hardware hacking and electronics. I even had time to make an entry in my blog. And to visit some other peoples' blogs.

But I'm a bit worried about scheduling my movie. There are only six actors total, possibly including me. Even though it may seem easy to say 'okay, let's film this day,' it's not. This is where my first movie fell apart. That and people kept dropping out. I hope I can get it right this time. I also have a lot of locations. I need four house sets. I figured I could rearrange furniture and use only two locations, but it's going to be sketchy. I also want to include as many people as I can, but some people aren't sure if they want to participate or not. I was just talking to someone this morning who can't decide what she wants to do, but she definitely wants to be a part of it.

I want to get some more equipment too. First, a clapboard would be kind of cool to have. I looked it up on ebay and saw some for as little as $4, but I don't have an ebay account. Of course, I'm going to need a DVD burner. People all want copies of something that's not even done yet, and VHS tapes are expensive (at least relatively), they record slowly, and they take up too much damn space. I understand some people don't have DVD players. I'll fire up my VCR for them, but no one else. I also need some more mini DVDs. But I have enough for now. The first thing I want to get though, is a set of wireless lapel microphones. They're pretty expensive, so I could do with a boom mic or even a shotgun mic. Thank Sony for the versatility of the accessory shoe.

Most importantly I want people to have fun. I don't make movies for profit. I do it because I'm bored and have no better way to use my time. I also like entertaining people, and I love attention. But it's mostly to have fun. That's why it bugs me that I'm making people nervous about filming. I don't know what to say to make them just have fun. If they're not having fun, I'm not having fun. And if I'm not having fun, why am I making this movie?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day is Stupid!

Mother's Day is the dumbest holiday ever. It's dumber than Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, Cinco De Mayo, Thanksgiving, and all those presidents' birthdays. Why should I drive around all night buying my mom a gift that's supposed to thank her for all she's done for me? Why should I be grateful that she makes me hate myself and want to die? Why should I thank her for 20 years of emotional abuse and hurt feelings? Why do I have to thank her for trying to turn me into someone I'm not and never will be?

Today my dad and I took her out to Big Boy for the morning buffet. I didn't feel particularly good and wanted to go back to bed, but I went to lunch anyway. The food was horrible and nothing had any flavor at all, not even the macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up fucking macaroni and cheese? But that's not the worst of it. My dad gave my mom a necklace. It was a nice expensive necklace, not a cheap one from Kmart or something. She said she liked it and she wore it to church and all, but in the middle of the meal she asked what kind of stone it was. When she found out it was an opal she was pissed.

Apparently, opals are bad luck and my dad is a horrible person for not knowing and blah blah blah. She wanted mother of pearl and she never wore an opal in her life. While she was making her little scene I saw some people I know. A friend or two and this guy I used to know in high school. Needless to say, I was embarrassed and I'm never going anywhere with her again. Oh, and I guess I'm not supposed to drink coffee because only 'adults' do it. I really hate her.

Now Valentines Day is a great holiday. It gives us a chance to be with the person we love and just be together. We get to eat candy too, which is never a bad thing. I wish it was Valentines Day right now because it would give me an excuse to be with Jason all day instead of just the nighttime hours (he goes home in the early morning). Not that there's anything wrong with him coming over after work, I just miss him so much. I know if he was here he would make all my problems and disappointments go away and I would be having a great day.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

It's My Damn Life!

I don't have loving parents. My mom hates everything I do and my dad lets her get away with anything she wants. Occasionally my mom asks if I'm gay. She doesn't do it in a nice 'it's okay if you are and I love you anyway' way. She'll say something like 'you DO like girls, right?' I don't know why, but I always let it get to me. I know she's never going to accept who I am anyway, but I just can't tell her. But I can't keep up this stupid charade anymore either. I don't know what to do.

It's not only that that makes me feel unloved. Today I spilled some coffee in her car. The first thing out of her mouth was 'now I'm going to have to clean the seat.' It's okay that I have a burn on my hand that hurts like Hell, but what will people think when they see the stain? What will god think when he sees it? We all know that people with a coffee stain the size of a dime go to Hell immediately, and it's all my fault. How will I ever live with myself?

Another time when I was in elementary school (I think second grade) there was a bomb threat and we had to evacuate the building. I left my coat inside because we were all in a hurry to stand in the field. My mom drove by on the way to get me and pulled me into the car without even telling the teacher and started yelling at me about leaving my coat inside. I got in trouble with the teacher the next day too.

I've always let the things she says and does get to me, but not any more. I now realize that I have friends who care about me. What the fuck do I need her for? As soon as I get a job I'm getting the Hell out of here and never turning back. Right now I'm going to start living my life the way without worrying about what that mean hateful bitch thinks. I don't care what anyone else thinks either. Why should I try to please her or other people by being everything I hate?

And no, I'm not coming out to her. Some of my friends, yes. But not to her.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

You want to meet my girlfriend?

I have a friend coming up from Arizona next month on vacation who wants to hang out. She asked me in an email today if she was going to meet my girlfriend at that time. (my myspace profile declares I'm in a relationship, but not that I'm gay) My first thought was: oh shit, what am I going to do. I contemplated lying, saying my girlfriend skipped out on us to go to a funeral of some relative or another that I doubt the exitance of and making a big deal out of how she makes me hang out with her friends, but never hangs out with mine. I could have been pretty convincing.

But I decided not to lie. This isn't as simple as it sounds because my friend shares and apartment with my ex-girlfriend, and I don't want to hurt her. I did email her today coming out and apologizing. I reassured her I wasn't jerking her around and that I really enjoyed being with her. I feel really bad and I never planned on telling her, but if my friend is going to find out, my ex will know anyway. So I thought it would be best for her to ear it from me first. I mean, she wants to move to LA and I want to move to LA, and if she ever bumped into Jason and me it would be really weird.

So why do I feel so strange right now? I've been waiting for my ex to send me a message for a while just so I can stop worrying about if she hates me or not and I'm stick to my stomach. I don't know why. I've come out to people I know before. Okay, I came out to one person I know before and I'm not sure if he even remembers. I added him to my myspace friends, but I don't know what he thinks about me and I don't want to ask because it would be really weird. Maybe I just don't really want to come out.

But I don't feel like hiding anymore. Why should I be ashamed of myself for something that's not my fault? Are all redheads ashamed of themselves? This is stupid. I'm afraid of my friends, who have never been there for me in my life, won't accept me for who I am. If they don't like me, they can go fuck themselves. It's that simple. No, it's not. If all my friends hate me, I'll have no volunteers for my movies. And it'll be just Jason, his friends, and me.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I think I'll just take a nap and sort things out when I get up.


UPDATE:

Amanda (my ex) doesn't hate me, I feel better, my nap went well, I like myself more, and the world can continue!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I got my computer put back together and it doesn't crash. As much. I'm not blaming it on airflow anymore because there are now a total of seven fans in the computer. (front, back, power supply, video card, CPU, and two on the side) Now I'm thinking it's a power supply problem again. I ruled it out earlier because I switched out the unit, but I might need a more powerful one. I'm looking at one on newegg for $70. That's the cheapest that one that would suit my needs, but it doesn't have PFC (power factor conditioning), which some sources say is an absolute requirement. It did get three good reviews, though.

After that, I want to get more RAM. I have 512, but a gig would be better. 2 gigs would be great, but I'm not sure my motherboard would support that. Then I want to get a faster CPU because Jason has a 2.53 and I only have a 2.08. But it's an AMD 2800+ and is supposed to effectively run at about 2.8 Ghz for some reason. Then I need a DVD burner if I ever want to really get into filmmaking. VHS just doesn't cut it. Then I want a 10,000 RPM hard drive, but I think I'd have to get a mobo that supports SATA first, and then I'd need to replace all my drives.

But I don't have the money to get all those things because I'm still unemployed. I filled out that application on Tuesday and Al still hasn't called me. I don't if he got it or not, but I don't want to fuck around with it anymore. I'm sick of being jerked around like this. If there is a job in a place I know the location to, I'll take it. There was a help wanted sign in a cafe across town the other day, but I wanted to see if I would get this job first. The sign is gone now, and I'm screwed because instead of having one of two potential jobs, I have none.

And it's getting harder than ever to live with my parents. This house is filled with nothing but hate and anger and it's all directed toward me. It's like a laser beam focused directly at my forehead. And I don't even know why. If I did something wrong, I wish someone would tell me because I'm really sorry for it. But I've been trying not to let things like that get to me. It's not really working, so I just stay locked up in my room until everyone is gone. Then I feel worse because it reminds me that the only person I really ever talk to is Jason. I talk to my other friends on myspace and all, but I never really see any of them.

But I have been working on my computers recently and I've decided to set up a file server. I have a 166 just sitting there that I think could get the job done. I know 166 may not seem like a lot, but I'll only be sharing files with 3 other computers, and probably not that often. I'm installing Linux on it right now and then I'm going to learn how Samba works. Then I'll never have a reason to leave my room at all. Unless I want to play SimCity or something like that. Hmm, I also want to get a NIC for my PS2 because I've heard of people doing some really cool things with it.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Myspace Stole my Soul!

Today I went looking for the place I was going to apply the other day. I was going to go on Saturday, but I wanted to wait until after the weekend. I drove down the road it’s on six times and I couldn’t find it, so I looked up the address on the Internet. The address led me to the owner’s home, but not to the business. Then I went looking for my neighbor who told me about the job and when I found out she wasn’t home I gave her husband my number. I asked him where she worked and he kind of vaguely described a silver building.

A few hours later he called back and gave me the number where my neighbor could be reached. I called her immediately and told her I couldn’t find the place. She told me it has a large sign out front that clearly stated the name of the business. It’s a lie. The sign out front says “Foxfire Farms.” She works at a place called ABC Bees Wasps and Spiders. No one told me this damn place was inside the gates of Foxfire. They all told me how far it is to this road and how close it is to this one. I could not get an accurate description from anyone.

Needless to say I didn’t end up applying for the job yet, but I’m going to fill out an application tomorrow, if I can find the right building. The owner won’t be in until Thursday, and there’s no guarantee I’ll be hired, so I am at this point still unemployed. I don’t even know if I want this job, either. I need the money, but I get tired mowing my tiny little lawn so how can I do it all day? For up to 12 hours a day? But I’ll give it a try. I could probably use the exercise anyway.

I got all the parts in my case today with only one problem. My old case didn’t come with raisers for the motherboard; there were little mounds formed in the case that did the same thing. I went to Radio Shack to find some, but they had none. Apparently however, there was a guy hocking computer parts there, but I didn’t feel like hunting him down. I ended up taking the raisers from the compute in my room, so now all I have is my family computer. It’s nice to have my own computer and some privacy, but at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Myspace is the devil. (along with Bill Gates and my mom of course)But it's nice to see some of my friends.