Goodnight

I haven't really felt like doing anything lately. Not depressed, just bleh. I've been playing some Beyond Good and Evil. It's a great game, but it's a little too short. And there's one nasty glitch that forced me to start over. It's all good though because it's a beautiful and touching game. I hate holidays. Blah blah blah. I don't know if I'm dress up or not. If I do I might post pictures or something. Have a great night/day/morning/evening/Halloween.

Crisis on Degurse: Day Two

I guess what I'm really scared of is ending up alone and never accomplishing anything. There are so many things I want to do with my life, but I can feel time just kind of passing and I'm sitting here on the Internet all day waiting for something to happen. I'm terrified to get out there and actually start making films because if I put a lot of work into it and then I fail (which is moderately likely), then I can't get back all that time and effort. And if I just give up on it and concentrate on computer science then I'll always wonder what could have been. For some reason it's a lose-lose situation in my mind. I don't know if I can do both or just be in computers on the side. Or maybe I should just be a filmmaker as a hobby. I'm so confused.

I guess ultimately I have to make the decision regardless of what other people think. But I kind of feel like I'm going to let someone down no matter what. If I don't go into computer then I'm letting down all the people who try to reassure me of how smart I am all the time, and If I don't become a filmmaker Ill be letting down...myself. And the people who have been supportive of me. I don't know what to do and it kills me. That's why I haven't put much effort into anything recently. I don't want to get locked into yet another bad decision. But I inevitably will.

Or at least that's how I feel. In case you couldn't tell, I have a fear of commitment (but ironically, not when it comes to relationships). I tried starting a blog aimed toward new Ubuntu users, but it never got off the ground because I couldn't figure out a way to devote enough time to it so I gave up. That's one of my biggest problems. I give up far too easily.

Tomorrow I want to go make a short skit or something. I have a few things in mind and all I have to do is call some friends and set it up. Somebody please remind me.

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

EDIT: Ignore this post! I feel better now.



Here it is 3:30 in the morning and I'm sitting at my computer, sick, when I should be getting some much needed sleep. I don't remember the last time I actually got an entire night's sleep because I can't stop thinking about everything that's going on. It just seems like no matter what I do everything is against me all the time.

When I was a kid I had a hard time making friends because I always felt different from the other kids. The fact that I missed the first week of Kindergarten because I had mono didn't help either. Then I just decided to give up on making friends because there didn't really seem to be much of a point. I guess I'm paying for it now because I rarely leave my room or talk to anyone anymore. I even have a hard time calling my best friend, who I haven't seen in 6 months.

I really feel bad about that because I want to go into filmmaking and it's all about having connections, but I find it impossible to connect with even my close friends, let alone people who are more important than me. And I've always been reclusive so I don't have the social skills to be a moderately good director, which became obvious when I filmed that short a while back. I feel like I fucked that up and now I'm going to be alone my entire life. (I know Jason will always be there, of course)

In high school I started hanging out with people a little, but I hung out with all the wrong people and did all the wrong things. I used to do a lot of drugs, which I kind of regret because there's this part of my life that's kind of blurry, and now every time I can't remember a detail about something or can't solve a thought puzzle I wonder if it's my fault or if I'm just not that bright.

I took all the wrong classes in high school too. I don't know why, but my counselor failed in every way to help me. I don't blame her or anything, I just wish she would have been more helpful. I took a wide range of classes that aren't going to help me just because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I took a nutrition class where I kind of learned how to cook, a handful of business classes, the requirements, and an engineering class (I should have taken the higher level ones because I really enjoy making things). I never made it higher that Algebra II and Geometry I, and I never took a single art class, which I deeply regret because I want to pick that up now and I'm having a really hard time doing so.

College for me was a big mistake. I had some great experiences and classes, sure, and they rewrote a bunch of outdated computer science tests because of smart ass comments I scribbled down while testing out of classes, but I really wish I could do it all over. The thing is that I went to an expensive, stuffy business college. I really thought I wanted to go into computers, and I still might, but I want to continue with my filmmaking. I wasted all that money and I can't even get a transcript out of them.

That's because I owe them money. Not just my maxxed out student loan, but a back balance of about $2500 which I have no way to repay. I should have applied for more scholarships when I was in high school and not screwed around my first two years because then I could have gotten one of those scholarships the school district just throws at everyone with a 4.0 GPA. Then I could have gone to a real college. Otherwise it's pretty though for me to get a scholarship because I'm not disabled, I'm not exactly poor, I'm not an orphan or a minority, and I never accomplished anything important. The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I'm gay (there are quite a few scholarships out there for us), but I just feel uncomfortable applying for one.

So now I'm repaying more than $4000 (my back balance plus my loans) and despite 3 years of extreme job searching, I still can't find a job. Maybe it's me or maybe it's the economy (damn Michigan). I don't know, but it drives me crazy all night. I have no past work experience and the only fancy reference is Jason, being a manager and all. The closest I came was an interview at CVS, but I think I screwed it up because I was nervous and I forgot all the things I was going to say and ask. I wish I could do it over again, but I can't.

To make everything worse, I live at home with my parents. It sucks because every day my mom reminds me that I don't have a job and that I'm freeloading. She acts like I don't even bother and just lay around the house like her. She doesn't have a job either. She also makes me feel bad for being with Jason rather than some cheap floozie (of the female variety). She's uber-Christian so she always throws the God thing in there so she sounds official.

Everything just seems so unfair sometimes. Great opportunities just seem to fall in everyones' laps but I always seem left out. I'm not talking about Jason and his going to New York and his possible new Job. He deserves those things. I'm talking about all my pot head friends (there's nothing wrong with that) that get all the jobs I apply for (4 different occasions), my friend Mike who got his cooshie job because a teacher at my high school thought he should have it and happened to have a connection, and all my loser friends who seem to be so much better off than me.

So my question is: What the Hell is wrong with me?

I'm Sick

...And tired. I've been trying to write funny articles, but I don't think they've been turning out very well. I really want to get a time sensitive article out tomorrow, but I still don't know how I want it to go. I'm going to get some sleep right now because I think I'm going to die.

By the way: It's illegal to buy a dildo in Texas. But you can still buy a butplug.

It's All Been Done

I've been in kind of a rut lately, I've got writer's block again. It's coming up with ideas that always gets me. Maybe it's because I'm in a bad mood all the time, or maybe it's because when I say I'm going to think for myself I'm really just changing the people who think for me. It's really frustrating because I feel like everyone expects so much (this isn't aimed at anyone) but I can only deliver a miniscule amount. It's hard for me to just be myself, but I don't know why. I guess I just don't know how. Any suggestions?

I've been listening to some old Bare Naked Ladies CDs and there's something about them. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I kind of feel happy when I listen to them. I remember when I bought them, all those years ago and how I used to be. It's amazing how much someone can change in just 8 years. It's not really a whole lot of time if you think about it. But when everything is happening all at once and then everything just kind of stops, it really puts things into perspective.

I applied at some more places today (including CVS again), but I was going to do most of it tomorrow because I didn't start feeling good until this afternoon. And now I can't because my mom expects me to clean up after her all day. She acts like all I ever do is sit around and watch TV like her. I try to get things accomplished. I try to do things. I finished that poster and wrote a number of articles, but that doesn't count. If you don't get paid for something it's not important.

It's not my fault she never did anything with her life, but she's taking it out on me. Of all the times she could have started acting up, she chose when I'm actually working on something that's important to me. But it doesn't matter f I ever get to work on the Magazine because "It's not like I'm on a deadline or anything." That really hurts because I like being constructive but I can't with people getting in the way all the time. That's a minor part of the reason that I haven't finished the movie yet. I feel like I can't use the only computer fast enough to handle Vegas, or even GIMP, because it's not mine.

This has all been said before, I'm sure. I just needed to let out some frustration. It's been a while since I've really done that and it feels good. Now I'm going to get some sleep so I can maybe get some time to work on things tomorrow, if I'm lucky.

My mom is hogging the car today even though she knows I have to walk to the dentist's office. She also knew it was going to rain. So now I'm stuck walking in the rain to have my mouth violated. Not in a good way either. No, in the most horrible way imaginable. It doesn't really hurt, but it's just really awkward trying to have a conversation with someone who has their fingers and sharp metal pokers and scrapers shoved in your mouth. And I know she's going to ask why I didn't reschedule my other appointment all that time ago. And I have to wear a pair of khakis that don't fit because that's the only thing I have clean. But that's all okay because I get to come home and be grumpy until Jason gets here.

I've been feeling kind of lousy lately too. I don't know why, but I just get so depressed sometimes. I didn't do a godamn thing yesterday when I could have gotten so much accomplished. I made some progress in Liberty City Stories, so I guess that's something. Okay, it's really not, but that's all I did.

Dude, Where's My Blog?

Much to my surprise, I wrote an article for Rich Magazine today. In fact, I started a stockpile so that I can release them at a steady pace, even during a dry spell. I do have quite a few more articles in mind, but I'd really like other people to contribute too. If you read this blog and you want to start a column or just submit a few articles, shoot me an email at rich.moore.mi[at]gmail.com. I really want Rich Magazine to become a user driven site rather than me just writing articles and making funny images all the time. If you didn't get the link in my previous post (hyperlinks kind of blend in with the text), the address is richmagazine.blogspot.com.

In other news, I'm feeling quite satisfied today. I've accomplished more today than I have in the last 2 years, the movie excluded. I wrote some articles, of course, and I raked as much of the front yard as I could before I ran out of those big paper bags. Damn, we have a lot of trees and bushes. I'd rather just run them over with the lawn mower, but my dad wants to keep the leaves for some halloween decoration of his. I also played just a bit of GTA, completing some menial tasks that count toward 100% completion. That's about all I have to say today, although I feel like I'm forgetting something.

I don't Understand Why I Sleep All Day

For as long as I can remember I've been making lists of projects that I'm currently working on. I have all the long term ones in a little leather journal (Amanda may remember that, before I replaced the contents) and I write all my short term goals in notebooks. But since I started making all these lists I haven't crossed off a single thing. It's kind of depressing if you think about it. An ever growing list of things I want to accomplish while I lay around and feel lousy.

But that all changed today when I made this:


Click for the full sized image

It's modeled after this anti-piracy poster produced by the MPAA. I didn't want to take all the time in the world to crop th background out of the photo of the CD's, and I couldn't produce a moderately nice looking star, so I left it out. Other than that I kind of like how it turned out. Oh, and what's that suspicious logo in the corner? Rich Magazine? How'd that get there?

chown -R us ./base

It snowed this morning. Right now it's 37 degrees and we're supposed to have light flurries for the rest of the week. That kind of bums me out because for Halloween I'm going to be standing in my driveway in a light polyester pimp suit and hail in cars that drive by, giving them candy. If it doesn't magically get warmer sometime soon, that's really going to suck. I don't want to be cold because then I'll be inclined to eat the candy for the energy to shiver and then there'll be no point to standing outside in the snow in a costume.

My dad works afternoons, so I'll be able to get a lot of work done (I'll be able to use the fast computer). I'm moderately excited about that because I really want to finish up my poster and get Rich Magazine started. Instead of writing an article I'm going to post that and maybe a little blurb.

That reminds me: anyone who needs some online storage space to backup or host files for a website, there's this great service out there called eggdisk. You can host images, movies, and almost any other document. It blocks out 'dangerous' types of files like executables, but you can always just give it a .txt extension to get around that. You get 6 GB of storage space and 30 GB of monthly bandwidth. In case you were wondering, that's a lot of space and traffic, especially for a free service. Jason told me that his download was slow and mine are too, but Marie didn't complain. I'll have to look into it.

Google vs. Youtube?

Upon further consideration I've come upon the conclusion that maybe Google purchasing Youtube isn't the tragedy I had originally imagined. Google paid $1.65 billion (yes, with a billion with a b) for the company, so they obviously have the kind of funds it's going to take to maintain the service. Last I heard Youtube was paying $20 million a year for bandwidth alone. Google probably won't even flinch at that number with all the advertising revenue they pull in.

They also have some nice big data centers sprinkled around the country housing tons of servers and some 5000 employees (that's more than you might think in the IT industry). In theory the new Youtube should run much smoother than the underpowered, antiquated (just over a year old) network, assuming they migrate to their internal servers within the next few months.

I'm excited about how Youtube is going to interact with Google's existing services. Youtubers could easily find other members in their area with Google Maps and Goole Earth. Youtube can now be integrated into Google's popular (although I have no idea why) downloadable search applications to get great videos right onto peoples' desktop and into their browser. With the addition of Gchat, Google Calendar, alerts, and their plentiful web apps, the possibilities are unlimited. Personally, I'd like to see my Youtube mail become a folder in my gmail account.

But by far the biggest thing Google has going for them right now is their name. How do people search? They Google. Everyone with a computer knows who Google is, and unlike Netscape, Magellan, and Jeeves that's not likely to change any time soon.

On a side note, I just found out that Google owns Blogger, where this blog is hosted. I didn't know that, even though it happened three years ago. They also handle my primary email address, and I must say their service is remarkable. Google also has a Linux Search Engine that I find quite helpful at times. I find (the linux version of) Google Earth to be the most interesting and well thought out map system ever. Oh shit, I'm addicted to Google.

Google vs. Youtube

I've never really liked Google. I don't know why, I just don't. Recently their video service, aptly named Google Video failed so they did a smart thing and bought a great little service you may have heard about. Youtube. That makes me kind of mad because I like Youtube and I hate Google.

I predict that Google will rewrite (read:ruin) the interface, screw over the current users, and start to charge for at least some aspect of the service. Damn, now how am I going to keep myself entertained at night?

That's all I had to say today. Stay tuned for updates, or not.

If I was Jack Thompson

These are a few of the retarded things that would come out of my mouth if I was Jack Thompson. In case you didn't know, Jack Thompson is an ambulance chasing lawyer from sunny Miami who is so Hellbent against video games (he believes they cause people to be violent) that he says some pretty stupid stuff, without doing any research first. For a list look here. Let the list begin:




Easy Bake Ovens cause young girls to become homemakers, rather than valuable members of society.

Still cameras cause children to develop voyeurism fetishes.

Computers cause children to become super hackers, who will inevitably destroy everything we know.

Automobiles train kids to perform hit and runs, and in severe cases, drive-by shootings.

Audio equipment gives kids unfounded hope that they can one day become a musician.

Money turns our youth into cash crazed criminals.

No one hits anyone in the head with a wrench unless they're a hitman or a mechanic.

Baby dolls are a pedophile's paradise.

"Better Homes and Gardens" contains beds, hot tubs, kitchen tables, shag carpeting, gardens, and loveseats, all of which can be used in sexual situations, and thus should be banished to the darkest corner of 'adult entertainment' stores.

Using shampoo is an escapist activity and you’re being exploited by these companies. It's not healthy.

Mattel has led the planet in the distribution of mainstream porn.

Do you need an IQ below room temp to watch TV and talk about it?

Halloween makeup kits are nothing more than prostitution simulators.

BMW is not a word, as it is in serious need of a vowel movement.

Carpet gives our kids unrealistic expectations for their feet.

God is not pleased with Lays Potato Chips right now.

I'm Not a Zombie

I've been thinking a lot tonight because that's what I do when I can't sleep. Actually I've been watching YouTube. But that brings up an interesting point. Since I graduated ran out of money for college (and probably long before that) I've been letting other people tell me what to think and believe. It's been incredibly long since I'm formulated my own opinion about anything. I've been so caught up in what other people think that I've just been kind of letting them control me.

I'm not talking about telling me what to wear or where to go. I've been just believing everything people have been telling me. I remember in high school I protested everything that I didn't agree with. I got into a dozen arguments a day because that's who I am. I don't like to just agree with people. That's why I originally started Rich Magazine; as a way to rebel against authority without making too much of a ruckus. But somewhere since then, everything has changed.

I haven't written anything that I actually agree with in two years. The script that I wrote just isn't me. I hate how the entire story goes, and I think that's why I'm so hesitant to finish. The actors are great, I just don't like the characters and their actions. They just don't represent how I feel. That's because I wrote it for everyone else. I was writing it with Marie and Jason in mind because I wanted to please them. And that's fine. It's good to write for your audience, but I got so distracted that I completely bypassed everything that I wanted.

I used to write short stories in my spare time. I wrote them for myself and I never showed anyone. They were good because they were true. I wrote what I thought and that's what makes writing good. Imagine if Steven King or Douglas Adams wrote for his audience rather than himself. How could The Stand have turned out so deviously intriguing if it had been written for readers with personal involvement as a side note. Or would the Guide's entries have been rewritten for their intended audience? Sure, they would have made more sense to most people but the irony and sophisticated humor would have been completely removed.

I figured out why I haven't been able to write anything. I've been too caught up in what people want to read. I don't really care, and I should remain not to do so. Just in the last hour I have gotten so much done because I've created a private sandbox called My Documents. No one knows what I'm doing so no one can tell me what to do, inadvertently or otherwise.

Forming my own opinions again also makes a huge difference. I don't know what I was thinking and I don't know how I got into my rut. It just kind of happened but now that I'm out I feel so much better. It's actually indescribable. So I'm not going to bother, but it is really great. I think tomorrow I'm going to go for a nice long walk and do some thinking. I'm also making a new blog for Rich Magazine. It's not going to be like the Ubuntu blog, either. But hey, I might start that up again.

You may notice that this post is kind of long compared to a lot of my other ones. That's because I have something to say. I'm not writing because I feel obligated or because I want to tell people something. I've been terrified not to step on anyone's toes with this blog because I know people read it. But this little spot of the Internet is mine and I'll use it however I want, even if it does mean occasionally offending people.

Okay, now I'm rambling so I should probably channel my energy into something else before I lose it. I think it might already be fading, but I hope I'll still have it in the morning. Have a good night everyone.

The Barber is Closed Today!

I received my free (including shipping) Ubuntu CD-ROM toady. I reached into the mailbox and thought "WTF is this?" Then I saw the beautiful Ubuntu font and remembered ordering it several months ago. I was moderately excited even though I got my burned CD to work, and I don't really need the new one. I could pass it along to someone else though. As a bonus the CD came with 4 Ubuntu stickers. That got me excited because I was going to buy some a while back, but didn't really want to spend the money, and I didn't expect them to be there.

Schrodinger and Steve also had a busy day. Today was their first visit to the vet, for tests of all things. They don't have worms, fleas, or any kind of diseases. I was expecting bad news on that front because of how we found them abandoned in our back yard and all. For a few weeks I've been thinking that Schro could be sick because she sleeps a lot, sometimes she seems kind of weak, and she's really skinny. It turns out she's just skinny. The same goes for Steve; he's just a big cat. And here I thought he was unhealthily fat.

But someone I know isn't having such a great day. Stephanie's roomates in Tennessee want her poor little puppy (Raven) to sleep outside. Steph, of course, thinks it's incredibly unfair to make Raven sleep outside because she's still a puppy. It's even more unfair because from what I've heard the roomates have a dog that sleeps inside. That's bullshit because Raven never bothered anyone (too much). I feel bad because Steph is trying to find someone to take care of Raven, and she's lonely because she's away from her friends and family, and now she has to be away from Raven. That's just not fair.

The Adventures of Superhoe

I had a terrific day today. When I woke up I was all alone, just the way I like it. I got on my computer and started writing. I got a fair amount of stuff done. I also tried to upload some stuff to eggdisk, but I was having some problems I need to work out. Then played SimCity for a little bit while I was waiting for some stuff to download. I'd say it was one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. Then my mom came home.

Normally I would just get out of her way and go into my room, but she insisted on dragging me to Burger King. Right in the middle of having a moderately good dinner, she started pushing me to go visit my aunt in tiny, uninteresting town in Oklahoma. I don't want to go because I'd be bored, away from my computer the entire time (so I wouldn't be able to write or anything), and expected to engage in activities that I have no interest in. So I asked her why she didn't go.

Her exact words: "Because your dad would be on porn sites (it's okay up to this point) and you'd run off with someone with a dick that's seven feet long." Am I wrong to take offense to that comment? Obviously because now she's pissed off that I'm not all fucking happy. But why should I be happy when all she ever does is insult me and make me feel like I don't have the right to be here.

Now she just walked in my room and told me that she didn't do anything and that "I need to get out of my funk." So now it's wrong for me to be hurt by the mean, hurtful things people say. It'd be fine if a friend would have said that. If Mike would have said that I wouldn't really have cared. Sure, I would have been mad at first, but I would have gotten over it. It's just that I feel alone because I don't really have anyone I can talk to or rely on.

I know that I have Jason, but he can't do anything to help me. Every time he makes me feel good about myself Debby comes in and ruins it. I shouldn't have to rely on Jason to baby me every time he sees me anyway. It's not his responsibility. I should be able to feel good on my own. Everyone else does, so why can't I?

Oh, and I'm writing a new short called Superhoe. Guess what it's going to be about! (Jason, you may be tempted to say something right now, but don't)