Three Hours of Windows

Today I installed Windows 2000 on my old 333 to use as a tool to learn about computer security. Things went less than well, as you might be able to imagine. Well, the installation was fine, but getting the system up and running was kind of a drag.

The first thing I did was use my laptop to download the driver for my Linksys wifi card because I knew I'd need it. I copied it to my flash drive and thought that would be that. But of course, Windows 2000 can't open a zip file without an external application. So I put my flash drive back in my laptop, and extracted it. Another thing I immediately noticed was that my Logitech wireless mouse wouldn't work, so I downloaded that while I was at it.

I tried to install the mouse driver, but it required my computer to run Service Pack 4. No problem because I had the wifi driver right there and I attempted to install it. The problem is that it's a poorly written application which needs the mouse because it refuses to respond to keyboard commands. So I stole an old ball mouse from another computer and plugged it in. Of course I needed to reboot to make Windows see it.

Now that I had a working mouse I tried the wifi driver again. This time it complained about running in 16 bit color mode. I looked in the video options and discovered that I needed to install the Geforce driver before I could accomplish anything there (which I knew, but had forgotten). I switched the thumb drive between computers again and downloaded the driver for my Nvidia card. That actually installed alright, but once again, I needed to reboot.

I switched the color depth and installed the wifi driver. After yet another reboot I found that the driver was properly installed and the app was running, but it wouldn't detect my wifi card. I rebooted once more, just to be safe. It was then that I remembered how finicky Windows is about installing a device before it's driver so I uninstalled the linksys card in the Device Manager, rebooted, rebooted again because Windows insisted, and finally got the wifi card running. But of course, it didn't connect to my router. It connected to some random 2wire router that I didn't know existed. A router with a signal of -6% while my router had a signal of 100% and I explicitly told the wifi app to connect to my router.

After sorting that out, Windows refused to recognize that I had an Internet connection. Another reboot fixed that up. I moved on to update.microsoft.com, where I got angrily redirected to a page for Service packs because the Windows Updater can't handle that sort of thing. So I downloaded the 129MB Network installer and went through the lengthy upgrade process. Reboot.

Upon trying to install the mouse driver the second time it insisted that I need Internet Explorer 5.5 or higher. So back to Windows update to find a link that goes to the IE 7 home page. Not quite what I wanted so I had to google it.It installed quickly, but required another reboot and took a while to "configure my control panel" on restating Windows. I went back to Windows Update, but it got stuck on "Searching for Updates" for almost an hour, so I gave up and went back to installing my mouse.

This time it worked, but took about 20 minutes. I rebooted one last time, switched mice and finally after 3 hours (not including Windows Update time), 5 software installations, and 8 reboots, I have a working mouse. Thank God Microsoft makes this so easy.

Aspiration for Normality

I try so hard to be happy. That's all I want is to be a happy, normal (in the sense that I don't hate myself) person and do normal people things. But I can't because I believe I can't. Sometimes when I wake up I have to convince myself that I deserve to be here before I can get out of bed. Then all day I try to be happy. I try to enjoy things that other people enjoy, but by midnight I'm so burned out that I feel worse than I did when I woke up. And I don't know why.

I don't know why I feel this way today. No one did anything to me. Nothing bad happened. I had a pretty good day. But I still feel horrible. I applied at CVS again (getting a job - something all my normal friends have done) because it was raining and I could do it over the Internet. I even drove today (another one of the normal things I want to do) and had a good experience. I tried writing and got some pretty good ideas written down, and am thinking of filming something when Steph and Jason come home. All in all I had a great day.

Can trying so hard to be happy really be counterproductive? I do feel like more of a failure when I can't even succeed at smiling once in a while. I don't know what's wrong with me and if there's even any reason to feel this way. I don't even know if I feel this way of if it's some kind of delusion or something I use as an excuse not to do those normal things. I really don't know anything anymore.

What is Tourette Syndrome?

I was surfing youtube today and I came across an interesting person. Her name is Jamie-Grace and she started a site, teensWts, which is for teens living with Tourette Syndrome. She's been posting videos on youtube, has some great information on her site and myspace profile, and even runs a (small, but growing) forum where people with Tourette Syndrome can get advice and support.

I think it's really great that she started this for a few reasons. The first being that it's great for awareness. I was just browsing through the blog section of youtube when I stumbled upon her video, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. That's good because I learned some things today that I didn't know I wanted to know. It's also great to have a place where you can go talk about something with people who know what you're going through and dealing with. It really helps you stay positive. That's what I like about the forum.

I'm going to keep up with the site and hope it becomes a huge success because Jamie-Grace is doing a great thing here.


The audio doesn't stay synced, but this is a good and informative video. Plus, it's less than 3 minutes. There are some more here if you're interested.

Morality for the Modern 'Christian'

I'd like to take this time to give you a little insight into my mom's morality. She's not really bothering me right now...but that could be caused by her absence. I have no idea why she feels like this but I know it has nothing to do with religion. Thank you in advance for your time.

Wrong:

Loving someone of the same sex instead of fucking someone of the opposite sex.

Saying the word 'cancer' while praying.

Not saying 'dear heavenly father' and 'in Jesus name we pray' while saying grace.

Talking to people through an instant messaging application.

Having any belief not identical to hers.

Posting photographs (of any kind) on the Internet.

Taking part in logical discussions.

Having any kind of morals or values.

Being depressed due to any reason.

Taking photographs of yourself that aren't classified as 'classic portraits.'

Knowing someone who is gay or bisexual.

Listening to modern rock.



Right:

Discrimination against all minorities.

Hatred of all minorities.

Blaming everyone in sight for your shortcomings.

Forcing a smile.

Having as many children as possible, despite all other factors.

Consuming alcoholic beverages to fit in.

My First Time Driving in a Year

And I screw up a Geo Metro.



It was my cousin's car she bought for $300 and I was driving down a dirt road as a shortcut. Then I hit this tiny little pot hole (I managed to avoid all the dangerous looking ones) and noticed something was seriously wrong. The steering was all fucked up, the tires were making all sorts of interesting noises, and the brakes were acting kind of weak.

I eventually ended up pulling into my uncles driveway to see if he could do anything about it. It turns out that the frame snapped. There's a support bar that runs under the bar that connects the front tires to the steering mechanism and it just kind of broke. It was still connected to the back end of the chassis, but it wasn't enough to support that's not enough to safely support the car. So yeah, that was kind of my day.

The last few days I've been depressed again, but I don't really know why. I still don't and am only mentioning this in passing. I feel better now and hope to get some work done....right after I play SimCity for a few hours.

35 Days and Counting

This is my teddy bear. He is, by far, the sweetest guy I've ever met and he means so, so much to me. He's always there to lift me up when I'm down, encourage me when I least expect it, and make me feel like my life means something. Even though we're 500 miles apart, my love for him grows greater every day and he's all I can think about.

I don't care what people say or think. I love Jason and I don't have to prove it to anyone. If people disapprove or condemn us, that's just fine because I know what we have is real. I would walk to the end of the universe for Jason and I know he would do the same for me. That's all that really matters.

There's a Title for this Post, But if I Told You I'd Have to Kill You

Instead of complaining the trapped feeling I occasionally get or the way my mom makes me feel like nothing I do is important, I'm going to complain about the landlord. Sometime early Friday morning our boiler stopped ran dry and stopped circulating heat through the house. I personally didn't notice because the furnace itself worked, so my room was as warm as ever. So we had a guy look at it yesterday.

When we talked to the landlord he insisted on sending in his own guy to 'fix' the already ghetto rigged well beyond anything I've ever seen. So the guy charged us $90, which the landlord waived responsibility of because he's a douche bag and we're waiting for his guy to come in, which is supposed to happen sometime on Monday. Monday. It's 35 degrees in my house and we have elderly people and an exotic bird, but heat can wait for four days. I mean, it's not like we pay our rent or anything. *sarcasm*

So Lara (the bird) is holed up in my room with a space heater and I'm stuck in the living room and kitchen because it's way too hot and crowded in there. Last night I got up to get a drink of water and it took me almost ten minutes to clear a path to the door with all the shit I had to clear off my bed. Then I had a Hell of a time getting back to sleep for the hour before Lara woke me up with her annoying squawking. That's 2 nights in a row I didn't get enough sleep, so I'm pretty grumpy. And FREEZING.

I guess that's what we get for being poor. I guess it could be worse though.

It's Summer...Almost

You know what makes me happy on a day that I don't get to see Jason? Spending almost five hours outside on a 74 degree day. Then coming back here (even though it still isn't home), taking a shower, and relaxing in my room knowing that I actually did something today. I even went out and got a nice brush cut today, which pisses my mom off, but it's my hair. The only thing that could have made toady any better is if I could have gone to the park with Jason, held his hand, and kissed his cheek. But there's an entire summer ahead for us and I can't wait for him to come back.

What is Home?

When I returned from a long walk today, I got to thinking. This place I'm currently living really doesn't feel like I've always imagined 'home' would. This may be a pipe dream, but I always thought home would be somewhere you'd want to go after a long day of putting up with people's shit. Somewhere you can be yourself and let your imagination run free. Somewhere you let your guard down and relax. Somewhere you feel safe and comfortable.

Instead, when I walk in the door I get a feeling of fear and something I can't entirely identify. I immediately worry about if I'm going to get insulted for being gay, not having a job, or both. I lock myself in my room to try and find some comfort, but am greeted with the realization that I'm out of place. I probably belong here as much as I do at Sarah or Mike's apartment.

I'm not whining or looking for pity. I want to know what home is really like. What does home mean to you? Tell me if my views on what home should be are close or if this is as good as it gets. Leave a comment of IM me.

AIM: filmmakerrich
MSN: bigricch@hotmail.com

Just a Quick Something

Oh Firefox,
How I find your tabbed browsing convienent,
And you keep my Windows machines safe
With your breath taking security.
Your inline spellcheck is a life saver,
And Session Restore is a really great feature.
Themes, Extensions and search plugins
Are all teriffic too.
Your true open source nature,
And frequent update cycle make
You a great piece of software.
But why do you crash so fucking much?!



I also posted this on my myspace blog. I would have liked it to be a little longer, but I couldn't think of any more good features off the top of my head. I really want to switch to Flock, but I'm addicted to Firefox's inline spellcheck.

The Source?

I think I've figured out where the source pf my writer's block is coming from. I always to tend to write only about things I'm passionate about. I also tend not to write a lot of screenplays that I can't produce with my current resources. Those two concepts aren't necessarily related, but in this case they seem to be mutually exclusive.

There's one thing in my life that I'm passionate about more than anything else. That something is Jason. He's the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I never knew I could miss someone so much until Jason went to New York. I really didn't realize how deep my feelings were because right now I'd give anything just to spend one night in his arms. I miss the way he smells and the grin he gets on his face when I whisper sweet nothings into his ear. I miss the way he makes me feel when he looks into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me. But most of all, I miss being able to hold him after he's had a rough day.

Jason is literally on my mind all day and it's hard to be passionate about anything else when I miss him so. So I should just write about my feelings for Jason, right? It can't be that hard since I just did it. But I can't. This blog is my only venue for this particular subject. It's hard to write and display a love poem on my myspace without telling people who it's about or giving away any revealing details. I want to be able to say "I love the way your goatee is reflected in the moonlight" and "I love the way you hold me in your big strong arms," but that would arouse some suspicion.

I can't really make a screenplay about the love Jason and I share either, because I'm still terrified of anyone finding about that I'm gay. I don't know why and it keeps me from doing something as simple as hanging out with my friends, let alone making a film with them. I'd really like to make a screenplay with Jason and I as main characters, but I don't have the resources to film it right now. All of my friends who I'm out to and would feel comfortable making this film live out of state (or way the Hell upstate).

You have no idea how frustrating it is to not be able to convey something as big as the way I feel about Jason. I want to tell people that I'm madly in love with the most wonderful man who ever lived, but I can't. I wish I could just be myself and openly love who I want, but I can't and it's not fair. I don't know why I still complain about it, because there's nothing anyone can do. Maybe in fifty or sixty years I'll be able to live a normal life like everyone else. When did this turn into a 'poor me' post?

Back to the problem! I need to learn how to channel my passion about Jason into writing about some other subject. The only problem is that I don't know how. Any ideas?

Opening Up

Video pretty much says it all. Have a good evening everyone.