Snakes On A Motherfuckin' Plane!

I've been thinking a lot about some of the things I'd like to do. First off: a new blog. Not to replace this one, but a blog about something completely different. I've decided to make a guide for people who are interested in trying out Ubuntu Linux because I started using Ubuntu not too long back (I'm still technically a n00b), and I really think I could help people.

I also want to write a book. It's one of the forms of media I haven't really dabbled in yet, and I think it's time. At first I was thinking of writing something computer related, maybe a supplement to the other Ubuntu blog. Then I decided against it for a few reasons: 1) Computer related books have a high rate of piracy, naturally due to the Internet. 2) The computer section at bookstores is flooded with well known authors such as Leo Laporte and the O'Riely publishers. 3) I have no expertise in any fields, and therefore no one would have any reason to take me seriously.

I've already been working slowly on both my Daria fanfilm and the film I have in post. They're both coming along so slowly because I'm out of creativity. I don't know how it happened, but I just can't come up with anything. It's really annoying. I'm pretty sure I've typed those exact sentences here too. See, I can't even make a blog post interesting. That could be because most of the drama is gone though.

I also want to make a series of parodies of "Snakes on a Plane" because the whole premise is just ridiculous. I want to start with "Snakes on a Plain" and slowly move up toward "A Few Good Snakes" and, "The Snake and Mrs. Jones." For anyone not giggling, note that "The Devil and Mrs. Jones" is a pornographic film that my mom mentions occasionally. Apparently she saw it in a theater in Alabama when she was in her 20's or something. How Disturbing.

Oh, and I'm considering moving in with a friend in Port Huron. It would be a great opportunity to finally get a job, and she'd cover rent until I got one, but I don't know. For some reason I feel guilty for wanting to leave. My mom's sister and best friend just moved across the country and it's all I hear about. I would just feel bad because she might need something and there would be no one here to help. And I don't know if I'm ready to just move in with someone I hardly know in a somewhat foreign city and not have anyone around to fall back on.

But on the other hand I really could use a job. I have it all planned out. The day I move in, I hit the mall. Target, Spencer's, FYE, Dunham's, Hot Topic, Old Navy, the game store (I forgot the name), Walden's books, none of those places would pay that much, but it would be right in the mall and it's right by where'd I be living and I know it'd be cool in the summer and warm in the winter. Then there are all the places outside the mall: Barnes & Noble, Home Depot, Best Buy *vomit*, Staples (with Joe of all people), Toys R Us, Meijer, Wal-Mart, and dozens of smaller shops and fast food places. All of these places would be less than a mile away if I took her up on her offer.

I don't know what to do and Jason won't give me any advice. I don't really want any anyway, so that actually worked out pretty well.

EDIT: If anyone wants to check out the basic design for the Ubuntu blog check it out here. Basically it's just some links, but I also took out the About Me section so no one can casually track it to this blog. That wouldn't be good because I'm going to post the URL of the other blog on my myspace profile. If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.

A Fairly Dull Post

I've been busy working on a few little projects that aren't going anywhere. So I won't say any more about them. I've also been playing the Sims 2 a little bit. Just trying to make a sim rich enough to move into the house I built without cheating. It made me feel bad because I sent my sim to college and he graduated and got a job and lived happily ever after. Why can't life be that simple?

I'm also angry that I'm not allowed to tell anyone that Jason and I are friends because obviously that means we're gay. I hate her and her white trash family so much. I can't wait to get out of this lousy state and move somewhere I don't have to hold my head down in shame. Not shame of who I am or who I'm with, but shame of where I'm from. I hate to say this, but I'm actually ashamed of my entire family. If I can't change who they are I can at least move across the country.

Other than that nothing is going on.

Last.fm Ate My Baby!

NERD WARNING: This post is somewhat nerdy, but I tried to spare you from the technical details. Read at your own risk!

I've been playing around with Ubuntu today and I realized that I like AmaroK so much more than any of the Winamp style players. AmaroK is kind of like iTunes, only a Hell of a lot cooler. It interfaces seamlessly with Wikipedia to get artist information and it pulls down lyrics from some place or another. It also works with last.fm, but I'll get to that later. AmaroK has some other really nice features too, but I don't want to bore you too much.

I don't know if anyone else uses last.fm, but it seems like a really cool idea. It's a social site that tracks the music you listen to and can match you up with other people and that kind of thing. I'm confused on a lot of the details though, because the FAQ is really vague. If someone could explain it to me in some detail, that would be great. Of course, I could always just figure it out by playing around with it more. If anyone wants to add me, here's my profile. I'll add a link to my sidebar too if I get around to it.

I was going to stargaze this summer. Jason was going to join me one day, but neither of us ever got around to it. Actually, I completely forgot about it until I installed KDE today. Immediately afterwards I installed KStars so I could download some starmaps to my PDA like I did before. That reminded me that I need to find a good ActiveSync alternative so I don't have to constantly reboot into Windows. And then I need to get my Geforce card working better. Sigh, that'll just have to wait until another day.

In other news, I get to spend some quality time with Jason tomorrow. I'm excited. He just started school today and he's bummed out about it. I hope he had a good day because he really hates driving all that way. I'm sure something good must have happened today though.

Will You Be My Quinn?

I got my camera back today and it works again. I've been waiting 3 weeks to get it back and now that it's here I have nothing to film. I just hit a huge block.I was going to do this project and that project, but now I just don't feel like it. And I don't have anything to say to anyone who would listen. I do, however, have a more than a few things to say to people who I can't get across to. It's such a pity.

I've been thinking of doing a word of the day/week type of thing. I'd talk about words like: asshole, bigot, conservative, that sort of thing. I don't really want to rant even though people do tend to like that sort of thing. I was also thinking of making a series called How NOT to Raise Children. Guess what I'd discuss. Then of course I do have a few parodies in mind.

Which brings me to my fanfilm. When I finish the first scene I'm going to post it here to get some feedback. I'm sure a few people who read this watch the show. I know one of you who does. I'm excited about it even thought I have nowhere near as many resources as I need. Namely: actors who would be good representations of their characters. I have a Quinn in mind, and Jason or I could be Trent. I might be bringing Tom back (maybe to date Quinn...) and I need a Brittany and Kevin. And of course I need a good Daria.

I also realized why Ubuntu won't boot. My USB hard drive was causing a problem, I unplugged it, and everything works great now. I'm going to try to get things as close to the way they were as possible, down to every little detail in the theme. I think I lost my XMMS skin though. I probably deleted it when I decided not to use XMMS because it kind of sucks, but I found a great replacement app. I could always just plop one of my Winamp skins on it, but I really like my old skin.

And, oh yeah, I feel better now.

Raindrops Keep Falling In My Window

I don't know why I gave my blog the URL that I did. I haven't run Slackware in years, and I could never do it very well. I should have called ubuntugeek.blogspot.com. Oh. Nevermind that then. How about coffeegeek.blogspot.com? July 1, 2003? WTF? Delete your account and let your URL go. I guess I could have always taken windowsgeek.blogspot.com, but there's something just not right about that.

There's a carnival going on in my town right now called Maratime Days. I forgot about it until the fireworks show distracted me from building a house in The Sims 2. That's weird because I was going to walk by there today and I was a couple times within viewing (and hearing) distance, but I didn't pay any attention. I did go in my front yard and watch the show in the rain. The whole time I thought about Jason and how we should have been together. But I think he's probably at work right now.

Our gutters are clogged right above my window. Not only does water rush over the edge, directly into my window, but it makes this really irritating sound as well. It keeps me up some nights. I really need to clean them out before it rains again, but I'll probably forget. We don't have a ladder either. I did however cut Julie's lawn today. Heidi was home, but I didn't go in and talk to her for two reasons: 1) I didn't want her to ask why I was 2 days late and 2) I didn't really have anything to say.

I wrote a moderately good teaser for my fanfilm today. It's not that great and it's way too short, but there's a bigger problem on the horizon. The original show didn't have a teaser, so I'll have to move it up a little bit and turn it into a scene instead. Okay, I have to retype 2 lines in the scene header. That's all. Oh, and I have to find a reason for them to be poor, but I think I mentioned that before.

In case you didn't notice, I don't really have much to say about anything. Nothing interesting has happened in my life for a while. I hung out at Oakland University while Jason was in a meeting. That place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be and it has a pretty nice campus (at least the part I saw). Stephanie called me today and all I said was hi. I realy didn't have anything to say and now I feel bad for not saying anything.

What Have I Done?

I haven't blogged in a few days because I feel horrible. I did something extremely stupid last Thursday, which I'll regret for the rest of my life. I came out to my mom. Don't ask me why. I guess I just got tired of pretending I'm something I'm not, and I though it would give me someone to talk to when there's no one else. Boy, was I wrong.

Today I found out that she's not going to church anymore. Guess why. Ever since I told her I've felt absolutely horrible. And I feel really strange just being around. She's still occasionally making comments (in front of my dad). Somehow I feel like I've ruined her life or something. I don't know exactly how I feel. I just know I want to get out of this house more than ever. I need a job and I need to move.

That's another thing that's getting me down. All of my friends have jobs, some of them even have two. A lot of my friends are out on their own, moving on with their lives. Stephanie is going to attend Tennessee University, which is really cool and a great opportunity, but it means she won't be coming back to Michigan for a while. Jason, of course is going to New York for a few weeks, which is also a really good opportunity, and I'm really glad for him, but I'm terrified of being alone.

In other news I finally got GAIM to work on my computer. I was going to show my mom how to use Yahoo! Messenger and the software didn't work. But the good news is that I got it to work (along with my AIM account) using my existing Yahoo user account under AIM. I don't know why I'm so excited about this. I just needed something to get all worked up about in a good way.

I haven't done anything constructive for about a week. I need to finish working on that short that I started so long ago. I need to write something new to make. I need to do something. I gave up on the podcast yet again, and I can't think of a single thing I actually want to do. I just know that I need to do something because I feel so lazy and worthless right now.

From Highland to Lawndale to This?

Today I was scolded for not being an asshole. My parents dragged me to my uncle's house and they were making fun of Mexicans. I didn't join in because I thought it was a stupid conversation that shouldn't have been taking place to begin with. My mom must have been embarrassed because she defended my silence by saying "Oh, he's just at that tender age where he's not prejudice." That really pissed me off because first, she's in no position to tell anyone a godamn thing about me, and second I don't go around hating people because it's the cool thing to do.

I take that back. I hate Christians. They're all the same. They preach about love and then participate in every form of discrimination there is. They're mean, vindictive, back stabbing, and horribly boring. They try to convert people to their ways all the time, even against their will. They have all these bizarre rules they all claim to live by even though most Christians ignore them anyway.

For a few days I've been wanting to write a parody of one of the best television shows ever: Daria. But I didn't really know what I wanted to write about and I don't have access to any school facilities, so then I had an even better idea. While I was looking at some fanfiction I though how great it'd be to make a fanfilm instead. So I decided that would be my next big project.

The show is going to take place after the official series ends and after Daria graduates from college. Daria and Jane are going to room in a small house (because that's what I have access to) in yet another crappy town when Quinn (gasp!) gets kicked out of her house and is forced to bunk with them. It'll be a lot more exciting than it sounds. I'm going to try to involve as many of the characters as I can, but it is a completely new town, so they might not all be there.

Other than that I've been feeling really lousy the last few days. I was better yesterday, but today I'm starting to feel...resentment. I keep remembering all these fights my parents had. Most of the fights were about me and how they don't want to do this or that. I've also remembered many occasions where either one of them would attempt to buy my love with their cheap crap. I just get the feeling that I was never really wanted and it's starting to get to me.

Lately I've really felt like a failure. Not as a filmmaker, although that has a lot to do with it, but as a human being. I'm 20 and I'm in the exact situation that I told myself I'd never be in. I rely on two people who hate me and who I hate for everything I have. I'm also more socially confused than I have been in a long time. I just don't know what I want. And on top of that, all my friends have bigger problems than I do, so I can't really talk to anyone.

I've been talking to a lot of people who have had employment problems, but they all solved them. Either by moving, or just waiting until they finally did get a job, they all got jobs. I'm the only one of my friends who is still unemployed. To know how that makes me feel you'd have to know exactly how big of losers a lot of my friends are. It's not their fault though. I don't have the personality to hold the kind of job I'm qualified for. I guess it's my fault.

The other night I remembered that when I was a kid my parents would argue over who had to spend time with me. I don't remember exactly why I remembered this, I just know that it made me feel even worse than I already did. It's not exactly a good feeling to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on for anything would rather you not be there. It would have been so much better if they just both ignored me because then I'd have nothing to complain about right now.

I also have reason to believe that I'm a very unprofessional filmmaker. I was talking recently to someone (I'm sorry for this) about a project he wanted to do. We were talking about cameras and he said it was too unprofessional to shoot high-def digital on a $15,000 camera. I shoot standard definition, compressed video on a $500 (current price) consumer grade camera with no extra equipment, other than my tripod. I also couldn't get people to do what I, as a director, asked and people even laughed at me. The same person also told me I was very professional and I don't know what to think anymore.

I have so much more to say, I just can't say anything because I don't know how. There is just so much crap going on right now that I don't know where to begin or even what to write about. So I'm going to just wait for another day when I actually feel like going into it or something.

A News Update

Remember how I said my mom made me drink at the reception? Well now she's mad because I didn't want to. I just got lectured for not being an alcoholic. How many people can say that? If I would have just gotten drunk without her knowing she would have been pissed, but apparently I have to drink whenever she's around.

Note that I wouldn't be complaining at all if I wasn't a recovering alcoholic.

What's My Serial Now?

Sony finally got back to me after I contacted them yesterday. It turns out the it was in fact the CCD chip that was the problem. The good news is that it's a well known problem with this type of camera and that Sony will fix it for free. That means I don't have to go to Best Buy or anything. I just have to send it in. I do forsee a problem arising though.

When I first got my camera I removed all those little stickers that came on it. Apparently that was a mistake because the serial number was on one of them. Now I could be wrong but I thought the point of a serial number was to give a piece of hardware a unique identifying mark. One that can't be removed. What if I send it to them and they get mad because I removed the sticker and they refuse to send it back. Then I'll be really screwed.

But there is an upside. I have been wanting to look into photography for a while. With my (mom's) new digital camera I can do that. But I'm not sure where to start. Do I just go outside and start snapping shots? Or is there some method to it? Maybe I'll make a photography blog. Look forward to that if you're interested. Also, if you're looking for a good digital camera, the Canon Powershot A430 is a great choice. And if you feel that you really need that extra millions pixels, try the A530.

But right now I'm going to finish listening to TWIT, do my laundry, put on some better clothes, and go for a nice long walk. Enjoy your day everyone.

Sony Can Kiss My Ass

As many of you know my Sony MiniDVD Handycam stopped functioning recently. I played around with it Friday evening and everything seemed alright, but Saturday morning when I was supposed to be filming my cousin's wedding that wasn't the case. It no longer picks up a video image, only audio. And before you ask, yes I removed the lenscap, yes the exposure was all the way up, and no it wasn't a low light situation. It just stopped working. I think it's probably the CCD chip, but I'm no expert. I contacted Sony's customer service a few hours ago and I'm waiting for a response.

Other than that, nothing is happening in my life. The reception was a disaster for me. My mom forced me to drink cheap beer so her family wouldn't think I'm a pansy. Apparently being white trash is way better than being gay. Also she insinuated that I like anal sex. Fortunately that wasn't in front of her family. I got slightly drunk but not enough to really enjoy it.

I think I'll work on something for youtube today. Oh yeah, I can't. I probably wouldn't have anyway. I've had every opportunity to do something but I never get around to it. That's just me. Like the movie. I haven't worked on it in a few days and I don't know why. I'm also thinking of starting a blog just about filmmaking to go alongside my personal blog. But I don't know if that'll work because so much of my personal life is filmmaking. I got another book the other day. I don't know if I mentioned it yet but it's about screenwiring.

On a more positive note, I've been watching a lot of Daria lately. In case you don't remember it's a spinoff of Bevis and Buthead that aired on MTV in the early 90's. It's really funny because I can really relate to Daria's personality and how everyone around her is extremely shallow. Ah, good old animated television. Is it weird that all my favorite shows are animated? Daria, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Home Movies, and ATHF. Oh, and of course FLCL, but that's classified as anime, which I've never been a huge fan of.

I'm bored. I want to do something creative, but I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like playing any games either. I helped a lady with her computer today. It took 2 hours to explain how to transfer a picture from her digital camera to her computer and then email it. Argh. It's so frustrating when people don't know what they're doing. And she was trying to 'teach' me how to shop at some online warehouse store because it's oh so difficult. I think I'll cruise around youtube some more and talk to Steph. Hi Steph!

Can't Break What's Broken

Isn't it great when you live with a person who barges in on you while you're about to take a shower and then actually makes you feel guilty for locking the door? I think it is. Especially after spending 3 hours working your ass off because the said person refuses to clean their own godamn kitchen. It's too hot here to walk to the kitchen, but there I was running the vacuum cleaner, because the broom just wasn't good enough. The whole while someone was bitching and whining about nothing at all.

I also have some serious doubts about the movie I'm making. No, it's a short. I have to start calling it a short. Argh. We've already planned a screening and I'm nervous because there are 30 people on the invite list. I know only half (if that) of them will show, but I'm still worried people will get their hopes up. I don't want anyone to be disappointed and lose faith in me. I don't even know why they have faith to begin with.

I've also been having trouble finding out how to clean up the audio. As we know, my mic sucks. And I'm trying to make it visually interesting, but all I have are jump cuts. What was I thinking? Also, I need to get some establishing shots. That won't take long, but I really need to do it. I still have to figure out the best way to burn it, and I only have 1 DVD, so I'll have to get it right the first time. It's gotten to the point where I'm physically sick just thinking about the finished product. And the screening is still more than a month away.

I'm also not sure how to do the commentary, but that has to come after the screening because if the actors all watch it to do the commentary then it won't be new to them at the screening and they won't come. Marie already can't make it because she's in school in Arizona and all. I have to throw a bunch of outtakes together too, but that won't take long at all. My junk bin already has a ton of stuff in it.

But today hasn't been all bad. I did think of a quick little video project I can do tomorrow, so if I don't post anything by midnight you can all yell at me.

Rich Says: Chill Out Everyone

After watching the Simpsons for a couple hours, eating a sandwich (onions and cheese, yum) I feel a lot better. I don't know why I always do this to myself. I've just been trying to do so many things recently and I haven't ended up doing anything. Like that side project I'm considering doing. I've had every chance to do it, but I just don't.

The truth is, I'm afraid. But I don't know of what. Yes I do. I'm afraid of people knowing who I am. I'm afraid of letting people get too close. The only reason I feel comfortable enough to write in this blog is because I'm pretty sure only 2 people read it. I'm not complaining. That's the way I like it.

But Youtube works drastically different. The system is designed to get the content out there. It forces new videos on people, and I don't know if I want that. Do I really want to talk to the 12 million whatever people watch Youtube everyday? No. Well, yes. Maybe. I'm confused.

I don't know what I want. I think the idea of my family getting a hold of something of mine has been scaring me away. I'm already worried about my two cousins that are my friends on Myspace. I don't want either of my parents to see anything either. That's why I like this blog. My name's not attached to it. Yes, it has my picture off to the side, but you can't search using a picture...yet. I'm terrified of my friends getting closer to me only to disassociate themselves with me later.

But at the same time I need this. I want the social interaction. Look at all my personal links. It was my idea to join Myspace, Flickr, Youtube, and DeviantArt. It was my idea to start this blog. I want to communicate with people. I'm just not sure who. I hate having to keep things from people, but right now I need to do it and it's tearing me apart inside.

You have no idea how confused I am right now. Not even about being gay. That's not an issue anymore. It's being afraid to talk to people because they might find out and tell my parents. People keep telling me I need to tell everyone, but you don't know the situation. Are you gay 20 year old men with an entire extended family consisting of bigots and assholes? Wow, I never knew we had so much in common.

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm just frustrated with myself at the moment. I was really looking forward to seeing Jason because he always makes me feel better, so I allowed myself to get worked up just enough to still be in control. But Jason's sick so he's at home in bed. I'm not complaining and I'm not mad. I hope Jason gets over his food poisoning (it sounds like the Flu to me). I really hope he feels better soon.

Also, people have been taking my blog way too seriously. I'm not trying to make anyone mad or feel guilty or anything like that. Relax. If you do something that offends me, pisses me off, or hurts my feelings, I'll let you know personally. So quit reading so much into everything I say. Please? Or else I'm going to have to start another blog or something, but what kind of weirdo would do that? (I don't think you're weird "Mrs. W" I just don't want to have to do that.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm so tired right now, but I'm too strung out to sleep. I think I'll cruise around Youtube for a little bit.

One Month to Go

I'm having a screening of our movie at Stephanie's house. It was half way her idea to have it there, so now I don't have to ask Joe and Mike, which I was dreading. We might even have some wood for a bonfire. That'll be cool. I might even have a celebratory drink, I'm just not sure. I'd be more excited about his if I was having a better day.

I take that back. I had a GREAT day until just a few seconds ago. I really hate that bitch I live with. But we all know that already. I misaligned my door more than it already was today by slamming it. That was awesome.

I was also going to make a video blog entry despite not wanting to, but I couldn't think of anything to say and it was too hot and I just got fed up. I did do some major editing of the movie today and have been thinking about some bonus features. I don't really feel like doing anything now though. Maybe in the morning?

I Need a Mac

I was going to try something new on my blog today, but I've been talking to a few people about it and they didn't exactly react warmly. You've all heard me go on about how I want to make a podcast and I thought a videoblog would be sort of cool until I decided what I want to podcast about and if I want to continue doing video. I also wanted to make a show and stick it on Youtube. It would be sort of like I used to do when I would borrow Mrs. Coverdill's camcorder. I thought it would have been fun and it would have given me something to do.

It didn't work. It took me 40 minutes to film 4 minutes of decent video because I'm retarded and can't do anything right. Then it took me 3 hours of trying to get my damn camera to work with my HP. I reinstalled the software and driver so many times it's not funny. Finally I hooked my camera up to my 300 Mhz PC and it took forever to transfer the 4 minute clip. Then I had to stick it on my external hard drive, which also took forever, and then copy it to my other computer. I was going to use Vegas to edit it, but the program is slow as Hell, so I used Windows Movie Maker and it still took 20 minutes to crop 3 seconds off the beginning and end of the footage. And after all that I can't get a decent looking video out of it.

Did I mention I hate my camera? Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of hardware. I hate how it won't interface directly with my video apps. I hate how I need to use Pixela ImageMixer. I hate how even though it records in "video mode" the disc won't play back on any of my devices. I hate how I can't just stick the disc in the DVD drive and download the raw data.

I also hate every one of my computers. I don't know what's going on, but recently I've been losing touch with them. I can never get anything to work anymore and I don't know why. If it was just Linux I was having problems with I'd understand. But Windows 2000 on this computer keeps dragging ass all the time, especially when people come over and open a bunch of shit that doesn't need to be open and then complain about how slow it is. And the family computer, which I get almost no time on, hardly does anything anymore. I can't get my camcorder's software to work even thought I haven't changed a single thing since the last time I uploaded video from it. I guess it's just time to reinstall Windows.

This just seems like a lot of effort to put into something that people are going to think is stupid. Unoriginal is also a word that pops up a lot. Just because a million people post video on Youtube means that if I do it it's all of a sudden unoriginal. I'm sorry I can't afford a fancy host that doesn't have such a horrible stigma. No matter what I do I can't get it right anyway, so why bother? I don't want to put this much energy into something if people are going to think it's stupid and unoriginal. So I'm not.

Ibuprophen and Acetaminophen

I wrote a little bit today about two guys dealing with their lives together. It's a script I probably won't be producing for a very long time, but it has some really good potential. I like the concept and now I know how to write more natural dialogue, so hopefully it'll turn out better than my last film. I also talked to a few people on myspace, but nothing really important. I also hurt my back today moving a stupid box to try to get some more space in my room.

I've been listening to a really good podcast today called Linux Reality, and I really like it. I was thinking of making a Linux podcast, but I want to do something more original, which is really hard because I'm not an idea person. But I'll think of something eventually and when I do, this is the first place I'll post a link.

I beat Aria of Sorrow today. The ending was ho-hum, but I always find Castlevania endings a little dull. I'm almost finished replaying in hard mode (continuing with all my collected items and souls) and after that, I'll replay as Julius Belmont on hard mode. I played a little as Julius earlier and it's really freaking hard. It's just like the SNES games, only on a smaller screen. But the good news is that he can super jump from the beginning, so a lot of the map can be skipped, at least at the beginning. I'm curious to see how the cutscenes are going to work out and how the endings will play out.

I still can't figure out my file server, but I think I'm going about the problem wrong. At first I thought I had to add permission to the folder itself, but the Everyone group has full access to it. Instead I need to allow the other machines access to the server, but I have no idea how to do that in a workgroup environment. And I'm NOT setting up an Active Directory server for 4 computers. That would be a Hell of a lot of work and it would greatly degrade my network performance.

That's it. Nothing really interesting. I've been feeling better about things, but I do feel strange. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything no matter what I do. It's kind of annoying.

What's Up With All These Damn Browsers?

Right now I'm using a web browser called Flock to write this. It's kind of cool because it interfaces directly with photo sites, blogging software, and a ton of news sites. I used it to upload a few photos on flickr and it worked really well. Normally flickr is a pain in the ass because you have to go through a lot of steps to upload a single picture, but with Flock you can just drag and drop the photo into the top bar that contains your photostream. That is really cool.

I'm pretty sure Flock is built from Firefox because all my Firefox extensions work. It seems to run a little bit quicker than Firefox as well, but the interface isn't quite as clean as I'd like it to be. I'm not leaving Firebox for Flock, especially if someone makes a plugin to make flickr work so well. I'm just trying it out to see what's so great.

I also took a picture of a raccoon today because I thought it was cool. I'm used to living in the city where the only wild animals I ever saw were possums. Now I see all sorts of birds, cats (unfortunately, they're homeless), and other kinds of cool stuff. The picture didn't turn out so well though. It was a low light environment and I didn't use the flash because I didn't want Fuzzums to run away. Yes I named him (or her) Fuzzums. Note that the possum's name was Fuzzy.

I also did some gardening today, against my will. I'm not feeling that great and I've been slightly dizzy today. I hurt the ball of my foot on my mom's cheap Martha Stewart shovel and I twisted my ankle getting her a chair from the garage. Then after all the work I did, even though I was very dizzy and tired I took a shower, also against my will. I almost slipped and hit my head. That would have sucked.

Since then I've been drinking tea which isn't the greatest idea because now I'm all hyper. But I'm having a good time cuddling up with my pillow, imagining it's someone very important to me, and relaxing. Oddly enough, it's been a long time since I've just relaxed and not done anything at all. It's nice.

It's Friday and I'm Bored

I haven't updated in a while because I don't have a whole lot to say. I still don't know what to podcast about, I still haven't finished editing the movie, and I'm still unemployed. I did get a new digital camera today, and I posted a few pics of my animals on my flickr page. That's about it.

Oh, I've been playing Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow a lot. It's a great game, but there's a lot to do, at least for this type of game. First, there's the 100% of the map that's a huge pain to explore. Some of it consists of being imaginative and finding a way around a problem, and some of it simply requires attacking the wall until it crumbles. There are also souls to collect from enemies you've killed, which is an even bigger pain because your chance of absorbing the souls is completely random as far as I can tell. But nevertheless, it's a great game.

This made me briefly consider making a vampire movie. But then I realized I don't know all that much about vampires and I don't want to make three horror movies back to back. Not that a vampire movie (or a zombie movie for that matter) really has to be scary, but still. I really would like to make this kind of a movie, but I'm not sure what people would think of it. And I know I should be writing for myself, but I really do need to take the audience into consideration here.

I'm really happy with my new digicam. Technically it's my mom's, but I doubt she'll ever actually use it. It's a great camera. The pictures are really crisp and clear. I've never seen this kind of clarity from a digital camera, let alone one in this price range. By the way, it's a Canon PowerShot A340. Great camera.

So all in all, I'm having a good time. I have new gadgets to play with and I'm doing things (kind of). Did I mention I can't figure out Windows file sharing? I went to college for this for 2 years and I can't set up a simple file server. Well, I can set it up, but I can't get the other computers to connect to it. And I don't know why. I think I might go back to making it a Linux (Slackware, of course) box and learn Apache or something. But then I'll have to format my HD with NTFS and I don't have a place to dump the data. Maybe I'll just buy an internal drive for the server and use my good one as a backup like I originally planned. Why do all my files have to be so damn big?

Yet Another New Project

Since I'm already in front of my computer talking to people, I figured I'd post something. First of all, see the below post. Second, I'm not going to talk about anything negative today. Third, I added a link to my Deviantart Gallery.

I'm thinking of making a podcast. I don't really know what I want the content to be about, but I'm putting some serious thought into it.I'm thinking either technology (i.e. computers), filmmaking (how not to make all the mistakes I do), current events (which I know nothing about), or just general (like the Rich Show). At the moment I'm kind of leaning toward technology because it's something I'm really interested in. That is why I originally started this blog, and labeled it slackgeek.

I guess I just want to give a new medium (to me) a chance. I've published a magazine, written more than my share of poetry and short stories, written a short comic book, produced a hour long show, and made a movie. I guess I just like to push my boundaries and contaminate a new venue. But I don't know. Everything I ever worked on had no more than a cult following (even my blog *wink*). I may be a bit selfish, but I want something more than that now.

Yes, I listened to quite a few podcasts today. I love Leo Laporte! And Kevin and Alex of course. I could do without that Heather girl, but she's funny. Patrick Norton's pretty cool too and Steve Gibson always has really good advice. I hope that someday I can be that popular and influential. But right now I'm just looking for something to do.

If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to comment. Don't be shy. Come on, now.

Dude looking for donations... willing to destroy his Xbox for them.

Hey everybody, do Kevin a little favor and donate a little bit to his 360 fund. He's a really cool guy and he just needs a break. If not for him, then do it for me (it'll make me feel like I acomplished something today). Thanks

This dude's birthday is in 2 weeks and he can't afford an Xbox 360. With each donation he gets, he is willing to do a website plug on 2 sites and destroy his old Xbox and provide a movie of him doing so.

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:(

I haven't posted anything in a while because I've been feeling really lousy. CVS still hasn't called, and I don't think they're going to. I really, really needed that job. I need to get out of this house, away from that stupid bitch I live with, and move on with my life, but it just isn't happening. I never really wanted anything other than to just be out on my own where no one can tell me what to do. I don't need a lot of money because even though I have expensive tastes, I know I don't need all that shit. I just need to pay off what I already owe and then maybe invest whatever little bit would be left over from my checks after the bills get paid. That would be more than enough for me.

But no. I know I'd be disappointing everyone in my life. Not just my mom her retarded fucking family, but all my friends who expect so much out of me. Everyone seems to think I should just go back to Baker and get a job in computers, sitting at a desk all day answering tech support calls and reinstalling Windows five times a day. What people don't realize is that I do that every day. I don't like it, but I should do it anyway. It's the 'right' thing to do.

No one cares what I want to do. Everyone thinks I should go marry some bimbo (no disrespect to women) and get some shitty job that I'm never going to be happy in. I'd be sure to make lots of money, and that's all that matters to most people. And why shouldn't it? I mean, with everything cool being so expensive nowadays, why shouldn't money make me happy? I guess I'm just kind of sick hearing people tell me I should go back to college and that filmmaking is a waste of time.

But the thing is, they're probably right. I can't make a coherent short that lasts more than 15 minutes, let alone a feature film worth being paid for. I mean, even if I did get good enough to be a freelance director or an indie filmmaker, I'll never have enough confidence to actually go out and do it. Hell, I can't even deal with a small group of my friends. How the Hell am I supposed to actually make something that anyone would ever pay to watch?

And I'm sick of hearing about my cousin's stupid wedding. So he fucked some girl and now they have no choice but to get married. Good for him. I don't fucking care. I swear, my mom just uses it as an excuse to make me feel bad for being the way I am. She always does this right when I'm starting to feel good about myself. She just kicks me in the balls and shoves me in the road to be knocked around by whatever comes along. It makes me hate her and myself so fucking much.

I used to always blame me being this way for my depression, but I've seen pictures of people like me being happy. Now I don't have anything to blame and I'm all out of excuses. I'm just sick of being me. I don't know how to explain it very well because I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that it's not good because between the tears I have urges to break everything around me. But I do feel somewhat better since I sat down here, so I guess it's all okay.

Also, Jason had a bad day today too. I feel really bad because he's been having a rough time at work and he's all stressed out. I really hope things start to work out better for him because I hate to see him like this. It makes me really sad because he feels bad for feeling bad and then he just gets worse and worse.

So Jason, have a really good night and try to relax. I love you more than words can even begin to describe. Have a good day tomorrow and try not to let work get to you.

Sony is Ruining my Life

So, CVS hasn't called back yet. People keep telling me not to worry because it takes time, but Debby (the woman who interviewed me) said she'd call in a couple days. This is exactly why I never told anyone about my interview. Now if I don't get the job everyone is going to be disappointed. But I don't think anyone can be as disappointed as me. I really needed this job and somehow I fucked it up. Story of my life.

I got an email from Julie yesterday telling me how it's adorable being the way I am. I wake up every morning hating myself for that brief moment before I remember all the good things in my life. Every time I see my family they ask about my life and I can't tell them anything about it. Every day I hear at least one horrible thing about 'people like me' and it makes me doubt the value of my life. But apparently that's pretty damn cute.

It also seems that everyone I know is doing a Hell of a lot better than me. All my friends have jobs, some of them even have really good jobs. They're graduating from their colleges and going on to nice universities. (Neither of these things are directed toward you Jason) They're moving here and there. They're getting married and starting families. They're buying cars, and doing this, and joining that. And the only little piece of my life that I actually enjoy and am proud of, I have to keep hidden from everyone. That makes me feel like even more of a failure that I already did.

None of the above paragraphs reflect how I really feel, only my current mind set. I just tried to edit the beginning of my film. Let's just say it didn't go so great. I can't make a continuous stream of video out of the footage I have. No one is in remotely the same position consistently, no one gets their lines right, I don't have any of the shots I wanted (including close-ups), and the constant sound of the camcorder drives me crazy. I guess it's kind of my fault for not being a good actor. But if Joe would have just shown up and not been such an asshole, he could have done it himself. Oh, and it was his birthday. I wished him well because I would have felt bad if I didn't, though he probably never would have noticed.

And on top of that Sony Vegas is so slow! I switched from Adobe Premier because I thought it'd be a lot faster, but it takes forever to load a saved project. No kidding, it takes like five minutes. I really need either a 64-bit processor or a Mac. I'm hoping for a Mac, but at this point I'm lucky to have my AMD 2800+. Bummer, huh? Joe did offer to help with the editing, but I don't really trust him to do it, not that he'd ever get around to it. And I can't use his computer, but he has all these security measures (like a BIOS password and Windows and Ubuntu passwords) that I'm too lazy to circumvent.

But on the plus side....I bought a book yesterday. It cost the remainder of the little bit of cash I had, but it's about filmmaking.

Bombs Bursting Outside My Window

What exactly is it about me that makes me so easy to ignore? I've written to almost everyone I know today and I didn't get a single response. I understand if some people are busy, but I refuse to believe that people who never leave their computers have more important things to do than reply to a single message. When I saw Jake at the fireworks the other day, he didn't say anything (I'm not sure if he saw me though). Sometimes I really get the feeling that no one cares. Some of the messages were just casual conversation, but most of them were business.

It's always been like this. Like when Joe decided not to show up, he didn't bother getting in touch with me. Jake never got back to me when I sent him the script. Whenever I leave someone a voicemail message they never call back. Whenever I want to hang out with one of my friends, they're too busy. When I make a post on a forum, everyone ignores it. Sometimes I wonder if I completely stopped talking to people, would anyone really notice? I really do feel this way.

I guess I'm just used to having someone to talk to all day. Steph went to Tennessee and is having a great time, but she doesn't have constant Internet access, so she's never on AIM. None of my other friends are ever on AIM anymore either, so I'm stuck here all by myself. Yesterday was different. I talked to everyone I knew yesterday. So what the Hell is different today?

Maybe it's because I'm already in a bad mood. I've have this horrible pain in my arm and my back for about a week. I told my mom I'd cut the lawn, so I did. But then she started yelling at me because there was all this stuff she didn't tell me about. That's the only time she says anything anymore. When she's yelling. She really makes me want to die sometimes and I'm getting sick of living here.

I may be getting a job at CVS in a few days and if I do I want to move out after I pay off all my bills. But everyone is giving me advice and I don't know what to do. Jason always complains about how no one ever follows his advice and I don't want to ignore it. But I really don't want to follow it because he thinks I should stay here until after I get a car and graduate and this and that. I can't wait that long because if I stay in this house any longer I'm going to feel a lot worse than I have been.

Not that I've been feeling bad in the last few months. I've been getting all sorts of things done and hanging out with all my friends. Just last night I hung out with Julie, who I hadn't seen in years. We just hung around her mom's house in Port Huron and took a quick trip to the mall. We had some ice cream too. It was good. Her mom makes the best pork tenderloin and mashed potatoes. Mmmm. Then, almost out of nowhere, Julie asks my girlfriend's name.

This again. Her sister was in the room, so I didn't want to say anything. I just told her I couldn't say. Repeatedly. Then I felt like a jerk and I sent her an e-mail when I got home and explained the situation. She still hasn't gotten back, but it's okay because she's probably still getting settled back into her apartment. I was going to tell her the other day, but it just never came up even though I really pushed the conversation that way more than a few times.

I started writing a script recently that I'll probably never produce. It's about Jason, me, and my problems being who I am. My life really isn't that interesting in case you couldn't tell, so I had to step it up a little. I made my friends complete assholes (seemingly), Jason and I live together, and I have a Xanex problem. Sometime writing this makes me feel worse because I have to think about my friends and family and how much I really do need them.

But I do have some good news. (I just saved 15% on my car insurance by calling Geico) A lot of people are getting interested in Orange Ninja Films. Stephanie is working on a really cool horror story right now that I'm hoping to film about 9 months from now. One of Mike's friends is writing a zombie movie, which sounds like it would be really fun to make. Even Mike himself is excited about acting in the next movie I make. Oh, and I learned how to do moving aerial photography really cheap. So I'm excited about it, I just need to start (yes, start) editing the movie we just filmed.

Orange Ninjas and EnegryDrinks

A lot of things have been going on recently. I’ve been hanging out with friends a lot lately. In fact, I’m at a friend’s house right now. Tuesday we finally finished filming thanks to Stephanie who helped out so much. I feel a lot better now that everything’s done. Everyone did a great job, except for Joe of course. Now I have to edit it all together and figure out what music I’m going to use. But that’ll be pretty easy.

Wednesday I hung out with Mike all day and we ended up walking to Big Boy around 3. I ended up watching Superman Returns, which is a great movie, at around 7:30. In the meantime we walked around Kmart and watched some Batman movie on a TV in the electronics department. That was fun. We also went in the Dollar Treasure and Tobacco Barn.

Yesterday I ended up going to Mike’s house in the morning and hanging out most of the day. Erica and I discovered ip-relay and learned a cool new way to prank call people. Then these guys came over and tried to get us to help him join his team and sell energy drinks. It looked good on paper and didn’t seem like too much of a pyramid scheme, in fact it looked like a really good idea. There was however a $500 start up cost and it’s not really something I’m interested in anyway.

Right now I’m hanging out with Steph watching Harry Potter 2, which I’m not a huge fan of, but at least we get to hang out one last time before she goes to Tennessee. She’s going to be gone until December and she’s one of the only people I really talk to a lot anymore. But it’ll be a change of pace for her and she’ll have a great time. I’m sure of it. I’m going to miss her though.

That’s really all I have to day. My mom was pissed off that I didn’t cook dinner tonight even though I thought she’d be working late. Then Jason and I ate the last of the cookies and apparently I should have made brownies to compensate for it. But I cleaned the whole house today. There was an entire week’s worth of garbage, dust, and dirty dishes, and I cleaned it all up. But I still should have done so much more.

Oh, but I also worked on the profile for Orange Ninja Films today. People are really starting to get excited about it, and I am too. I’ll add a link to the sidebar too. I’m ready to make another film, but I probably should finish this one up first. Now that’s all I have to say. Goodnight everyone and have a great few days until I post again.

Go Christopher Walken

A lot of things have been going on recently. First, I just saw the movie Click. I wasn't expecting a whole lot out of it, but it was actually really good (Christopher Walken makes a great Angel of Death). This is the only movie I've watched in the last ten years that has actually made me cry. I didn't say anything because I felt like a pansy, but I'm the kind of person Adam Sandler plays. Then it made me start to think about my relationship with Jason and all my friends and how I'm always afraid to go out and have a good time because it never gets anything done. Also, yesterday I found a friend's myspace music profile and he had a song that was about this same sort of thing and I'm starting to wonder if I'm wasting my life being so reclusive.

The movie I'm making. First, after repeatedly telling me he had Wednesday off and would be there, Joe canceled. I vaguely remember something about him owing his dad $30 and having to go to Belle Tire. I knew it was going to happen. Someone always cancels. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was only Joe, but he too Erika with him. I ended up taking over Joe's character, which was a nightmare because I didn't know the lines and I'm not an actor by any means. I had to completely remove Erika's character from the movie because we (that means Steph) couldn't find someone to play her. That pisses me off because even though it was a last minute addition, she was an important character because she helped convey just how much of an asshole the Joe's character is.

I've been having equipment problems. The microphone built into my camera is crap. The sound quality is subpar and it picks up the slight sound of the disc spinning. I need at least a boom mic for now, but a nice set of wireless clip-ons would be good too. The only thing is that I don't have any money and I already owe all sorts of people. My camera also crashed and ate one of my discs. Apparently there was a scratch on the disc I put in, so it got mad, came up with some error message, attempted to recover the data, and rebooted. Then I put in another disc, but I guess I didn't push down hard enough to lock it in place, even though it clicked, and the camera carved a nice semicircular gouge into it. Looking back, the disc that made it crash had an identical gouge, so it's not the first time it's happened.

I also never realized how horrible the dialogue was (honestly) until reading lines with Jason and hearing people say them aloud. And I don't know how to direct, so I'm really bad at it. I'm also bad at getting all the shots I want because I can see what I want in my head, but I can't get the camera to do it. While I'm at it, I'm a bad editor too. My hard cuts look really strange and I don't have a good shot of me punching Jason. I still need to get Jake to confirm he'll play Gordon and I need to film the rest of the movie on Tuesday.

I ran out of things to say and I forgot if there's anything else because now I'm multitasking and that's not good. Good night everyone and have a great tomorrow.

EDIT: I also learned that I can use the hosts file to block ads today. I never really thought about it, but it works great.

Wish Me Luck

So tomorrow is the big day. The schedule is set and the shots are planned. I've gathered all the props I'll need for tomorrow's shoot, but there are a few more I'll need for Friday.

First I'm going to Stephanie's house to film two scenes. On the way I'm picking up Marie and making a few last minute decisions. Then we're all heading off to East China Park to film two more scenes. If it rains, we'll just film one and I'll use the rain to bring out the gloominess of the main character's mood. After that we're all going to Water Street to find a place to film in front of a cafe. I'm pretty nervous.

I take that back. I'm extremely nervous. I've never gotten this far before. I've never even gotten a script finished before, so this is a huge leap. But I'm confident in the abilities of my cast, crew, and equipment. I just need to stop drinking coffee and relax. I think maybe I'll play some Toejam and Earl. What I'd really like to play is some Katamari, but I don't own it. Maybe I'll listen to the Katamari soundtrack as I play T&E.

I still have to do some hardcore work to do on the profile, but that can wait for a bit. I've been thinking about it and have a general idea of the details I want to include, but I can't seem to get it out. But I am excited about doing this. It's something I've wanted to do for four years and it's finally going to happen. I'd be even more excited if I was the one who got the ball rolling, but I'll take what I can get.

It's Been a While

I've been putting a lot of work into the movie recently. I got the schedule all sorted out and confirmed almost everyone for Wednesday. I got my camera to work and dumped all the previously existing footage onto my hard drive. I even got one of my friends to play Gordon. I've been working on getting some really nice editing software, but it's got to be for Windows because my sound still won't work under Ubuntu.

I still have a lot to do though. I need to plan my shots and make a springboard. I need to make sure everyone's on the same page, and make sure everyone knows their part. I need to copy all my contacts and information from my sheet to my PDA. (I can never get any work done at all on a computer or electronic device, i know it's really weird) I need to gather up some music from local musicians who'd be willing to let me use their works. I need to make sure I have all the props I need and get an alarm clock I can break.

And after all that, I need to actually make the film. (I no longer consider this a movie, but film does imply that film was used during the process. But if George Lucas can shoot digital for the silver screen then so can I) That's going to be a pain. But an even bigger pain will be editing it because I'm a perfectionist. And I still don't know what to put on the filmmaker profile, but you can find it here anyway: www.myspace.com/orangeninjafilms. It's obviously not done, but it will be soon because I'm going to do it tonight (hopefully).

I posted another poem the other day too, but it wasn't nearly as controversial as the other ones. I've been looking at a lot of Jack Thompson quotes recently too. For some reason I just seem be drawn to all that is controversial (piracy, violent video games, sexuality issues, religion, that kind of thing). It's kind of fun but I always get into arguments with people because I always think I'm right. But so do they, and we argue about it.

On a lighter note, I think I just offended someone Swedish. Actually, the guy lives in the UK and he may have just been making fun of me. I'm just not sure.

Motivated Again

I'm going to start jogging today. I'm about to go out, so wish me luck. I'm also going to start working on my Rich Magazine website when I get back and hopefully have a basic page ready by tomorrow night. I'm motivated at the momeny, and I don't know how long it's going to last, so I'm starting right now.

EDIT: Fuck that. I'm going to play Resident Evil 4.

I Hate My Friends (Some of Them)

One of my friends totally pulled a Danielle today. I can't go into any great detail here, but I'm pissed. I was looking forward to doing this one thing on the weekend. We've been planning it for 2 months, but suddenly it's not going to happen. I was even almost forced to break plans with Stephanie because I thought the two events were on the same day. Then I would have felt really bad because I would have been pulling a Danielle and it would have been even worse because I asked her to go.

I don't know what it is about me. There's just something that makes people avoid me. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about being the way I am. (I didn't even consider that until Jason brought it up) I don't know. All I know is that if all my actors back out over the next week, I'm going to be fucked. It's happened both of the other times I've tried to make a movie, why shouldn't it happen now?

I guess some of the actors are replaceable, but I only have a few possible options. People keep telling me that I have been productive, writing the script and all. But if I never film it, or if no one ever sees it, what's the point? I don't really call writing a hollow, mellow-dramatic, predictable script being productive. I know that there are going to be people standing there laughing and saying "I told you so." Or, at least one person. And we all know who that is.

I Want to Do Something!

I'm feeling really unproductive. I haven't really done anything since I got out of high school. I want to do something, I just don't know what.

I always wanted to help people. It makes me feel good and I just like it. The problem is I don't know how. I don't want to volunteer at the hospital because it freaks me out. I can't help people with their computers because I can't even fix my own (good thing I have three years of education toward it). I just don't know how to help anyone with anything.

I've been joking around about building a go cart. But who knows, I think it would be kind of fun. If only I had that kind of money. It wouldn't be all that expensive, but I'm flat broke. I'd definitely like to learn how that kind of stuff works though. I mean I can describe the workings of the internal combustion engine in detail, but I couldn't build one.

I also want to build a web site. I don't know what to make it about and I'm horrible with HTML, but it's still sitting on my list of things I want to do. Maybe I could make a web site to help people, but I still don't know about what. I'd have to be passionate about it and there are very few things I'm passionate about. And on top of that I don't have the money to buy a domain or pay for hosting. But I could host it on my spare computer and have people access it through my IP address. But that would be inconvenient.

I don't know what else to say. I think I have the flu or something, but my mom keeps telling me I'm fine and should be doing things. That's kind of irritating. But other than that, it's been an uneventful day. I rolled over on Schrodinger and sat on him twice because he keeps hiding under my covers. My mom kept telling me it's not funny. It really pisses me off when she does that.

But if anyone has any ideas as to what I could build, feel more than welcome to leave a comment!

Feelings, Friends, and Filesystems

I don't know why I let my mom get to me. I'm surrounded by people who care about me and out of all of them I listen to her. I'm just thankful I have my friends. Even thought most of them don't know it, they really mean a lot to me. They always comfort me and let me know I'm loved. And that is a really good feeling.

I do feel comfortable with myself again. I am who I am. I know that now and I'm not letting anyone tell me otherwise. I am still contemplating coming out to a few of my friends. They should know and they will eventually anyway. I just want to be able to be myself and not hide who I am. I deserve that and so do they. Most of them are pretty cool even if they do make a lot of derogatory comments.

If Denny (his name's actually Dan, I don't know why I gave him an alias before because he's out) can be their friend, then so can I. Also they're friends with this other guy named Brian who I'm pretty sure is gay too. So I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it's that once I do it, I can't take it back and it frightens me. This could be a huge mistake, and once I make it there are no do overs. But I think it'll all be okay. And just to be safe, I'll wait until after filming the movie to say anything.

But enough about that. It seems like that's all I ever think about anymore so here's something new: I was working on my computers today. I'm going to set up a Windows 2000 file and print server on my old computer because my external hard drive is formated with NTFS. And I just want to keep things simple and I know my way around Windows much better than Linux. But the second a better NTFS Linux driver binary comes out, I'm totally switching.

I upgraded from Breezy Badger to Dapper Drake (Versions of Ubuntu) yesterday and I'm not at all pleased. Sure it runs faster and looks better, but my sound stopped working. I think I have to reinstall the ALSA binary like I did when I ran Slackware, but it's a pain in the ass. (not the installation, just finding the damn thing) I'm also having a problem with my monitor's refresh rate. 60hz at 1600X1200 is completely unacceptable! And my CD burner won't work, but oddly, my new DVD burner will. (thanks again, Stephanie) Dapper did however come with the latest version of Firefox which is awesome because 1.0.3 kind of sucked.

Oh, but I have great news. I have a 10 year old Compaq Ipaq (MP3 player) that I've been having a problem with lately. It doesn't work like a removable hard drive, so I always had to install the driver and then Musicmatch Jukebox to get music on it. I tried just writing to the MMC, but the device uses a proprietary filesystem that I was unable to locate a windows driver for until today! It's a tiny little application that mounts the card and makes it a breeze to add and remove files. No more wasted batteries, songs that won't play, crashes, or reaching around to find the USB port. And most importantly: I can finally uninstall Musicmatch!

Once again I would like to thank my four best friends for being there for me when I was down. You know who you are. I really love you guys.

I Fucking Hate Thursdays

Every Thursday my mom drags me to Port Huron with her.It's nice for the first few minutes, but it all goes downhill from there. She always asks why I don't have a girlfriend and suggests I date this girl or that one. She never does it in quite a nice way either.

She always says something along the lines of "You're not gay or anything are you?" It's really starting to piss me off because I feel like I have to jump through hoops to please the bitch. Today she asked me why I named the kittens the way I did and then she asked me "Why don't you like girls' names?" When I refused to show her my fortune cookie she said "What, does it say you're going to marry a pretty boy?" It really makes me want to die sometimes.

I swear she does it just to hurt me. It's pretty obvious that I'm gay. I'm not flamboyant or anything, I just show absolutely no interest in girls. I dated a girl once, but it never went anywhere. I don't talk about girls, I never have any girls over, I never look at straight porn on the Internet, and once she even caught me with gay porn. I denied it of course because I was a lot younger. I really thinks she suspects something and she's just fucking with me.

I don't take this shit from my friends, and I'm not going to take it from her. If one of my friends would have made the comment about marrying a pretty boy, I would have knocked him the fuck out. At least if he was being mean. I would laugh if it was a joke. But the point is that why should I listen to her go on and on about something that I can't control? Like I chose it? Like I just decided one day that I want everyone in the world to hate me and be the scapegoat for bombings and diseases that I'm not part of. That's what I want out of life!


EDIT: I forgot to mention that yesterday I felt completely comfortable with myself for the first time in my life and was even contemplating coming out to some of my friends. I don't want to lose them but I can't go on lying to people like this. I've been talking to some people about it and I decided it might not be such a terrible idea. But now I hate myself again. Thanks mom.


But on an upbeat note, I'm finally finished writing that damn script. All the revisions are in, they've been merged, and it's been distributed. I was getting so sick of it, and now it's done. But here comes the hard part: scheduling and location scouting!

Kinda Bored Today

My last post was probably a little melodramatic. I got a lot of feedback on it, which I'm really thankful for. I never intended to make people feel bad. I even made one of my firneds cry when she read the poem I posted on myspace. I do feel a lot better now that I've gotten it off my chest.

I've been taking the lsat couple days off because I've been doing a lot of stuff with my friends lately and I'm not used to it. It's hard to suddenly have a social life after years of being a recluse. I went to a boat race the other day and got completely sunburned, but I was there with Jason so it was ok.

I've been working with some people on Rich Magazine. I'm enjoying having other peoples' input and working with them on something constructive. But I'm the only one with a scanner, and I'm stubborn and insist on nothing but hand drawn art. It gives the magazine a special feel.

I'm also running out of time to work on my movie. I start filming in 2 weeks, and I still have to finish the script, distribute it, get the schedule sorted out, and figure out where I'm going to be filming. But other than that, it's coming along great.

That's it. I don't really have a whole lot to say, I just didn't want to not post anything for a few days. If you want to read the poem, it's on my myspace blog, but I'm to lazt to post the link. Just go to my profile and you'll find it.

My Monthly Rant

Why is it that every time I want something everyone has something negative to say about it? If I want to be a filmmaker it's stupid and a waste of time. If I want to use the firepit that's already in our back yard, it's too dangerous and I'm not smart enough not to burn the house down. If I want to have friends over, they have no business in our house. If I want to crash at someone's house for the night, only fags do that. If I want to make Rich Magazine, it's stupid and it'll get me in trouble. If I want to be an author, I'm not smart enough and I don't have anything worth saying. If I want to buy a 4 wheeler, I get asked why do I want to do that?

I think that's probably my most common heard phrase. I don't know why people think there's always an ulterior motive behind everything I want to do. Why can't people just accept that I have my own opinions. I like the things I like and if you don't that's fine. I don't care. I don't tell people going to church is a waste of time. I don't go around saying straight people should die. I don't tell people what to do or not to do because it's none of my business.

All I'm really saying is that there are a lot of people in my life and I'm trying to please them all. It's not working. Not even close. Why can't I just be who I am because it's who I want to be? Why should I have to be a million different things to a million different people? Frankly, I'm sick of it. If you don't like me, don't talk to me. I think I'll manage.



Before anyone thinks this is directed at them, let me assure you, if you're reading this because I gave you the URL, it's not. Honestly. All my good friends, all my real friends are great. I don't know what I'd do without them. I owe them a lot and yet I can never give them anything they need. I'm sorry. I really am.

Mmmm Free Pizza

The other day I let my friend Stephanie read my blog because she gave me her URL and I already came out to her. It's a funny story because my myspace profile made her suspicious. I've told people that when people leave their orientation blank, it usually means they're gay. Jason's friend who turned out to be gay left his blank, and both Jason and I left ours blank. Jason keeps saying 'no, that's not what it means.' But it is. Reading that led Stephanie to ask in a roundabout way.

First she asked who I was dating. I asked her why she wanted to know and she said she saw me with a girl at Dairy Queen. We went back and forth for a little bit before I just told her. It turns out she felt like an ass for asking. She thought I was, which was really funny. Stephanie's great though. She's fun to hang out with and we have similar taste in music. Well, she listens to everything, including rock which is what I usually listen to.

But anyway, she was reading my blog and something I wrote hurt her feelings. When I said that I should have been spending time with Jason I didn't mean that she was bothering us. I just meant that I didn't want to ignore Jason, but I didn't want to ignore Stephanie either. See, I can never do or say anything without hurting someone's feelings. I also said in one of my past entries that I needed a DVD burner, so Stephanie just gave me her DVD burner. She wouldn't take any money for it and she even spent all night finding the power cable. All this after I hurt her feelings.

Then yesterday we were hanging out at the mall. We went to Spencer's and then to Hot Topic, but I made her got back to Spencer's so I could get one of those necklaces they have. I was going to get one of the brown twine ones, but Jason has one like that so I got a cool blue steel one. But it turns out Jason has one like it too. But when I went up to the counter to pay Stephanie pulled out her debit card and told the cashier to charge the money to that. I told her she didn't have to, but she did anyway.

I tried to pay at Taco Bell too. Stephanie says she just like spending money on people, but I don't know. I hope she doesn't feel like she has to pay for my friendship. She's really cool and I like her. It's really weird because I can talk to her about things that I don't normally talk to people about. We talk about me being gay and dating Jason like it's just normal. I'm not saying it's not normal, I'm just saying most people don't look at it that way. I'm really glad we became friends again though.

Other than that, not much is going on. I still feel like an ass for flipping the go-cart. I got a coupon in the mail for a free small pizza for being new to the neighborhood.. My old house is only like five minutes away. It's right by Hungry Howie's, but I still get a free pizza, which is always good. I also started a group on myspace for fans of Rich Magazine, but I'm getting very little feedback. I'm going to keep at it though.

So That's Why I Don't Drive

It's been am eventful few days and I'm exhausted. But here goes a long one:

Yesterday my mom was starting shit about the house never being clean. Her friend cams over for a visit, which is very unusual at our house. My mom claims that they had to go outside because house is too dirty to entertain people in the dining room. Her solution: cleaning the living room. As soon as 9:30 PM rolled around and my dad went to work, she started yelling about everything she could think of. At first, she told me I didn't have to help her and she could do it on her own, but then she got mad about me taking care of the kittens she brought into the house instead of helping.

It was all okay, because Jason made an unexpected visit later that night. We spent most of the night chatting with my friend Stephanie, which I feel bad for because I should have been spending that time with him. Apparently, one of his friends turned out to be gay., which is surprising because you wouldn't expect it. He's really popular and all that. This almost gave Jason the courage to come out to his myspace friends, and really anyone who looked at his profile. He asked my opinion and I told him it wouldn't bother me if people made the connection between us.

That got me thinking, why should I be ashamed of who I am? I know I've said this before and it's nothing unusual for someone in my opinion, but I made a revelation. Why should I define who I am around being gay? It's not that big a deal. I have interests and a personality too. Why should I just think of myself as that gay guy who happens to like this or that? The solution is obviously that I shouldn't. That was the original intent of this blog, but I got distracted.

With that mentality I woke up this morning ready to return to work on Rich Magazine. It's this simple double sided half fold satirical magazine that I used to make in high school. I copied the old issues to the hard drive in my bedroom to use as a reference and installed Photoshop on my computer because GIMP can run kind of slow. That's when my mom started in. I'll leave out the details, but she thinks I sit around all day playing games.

Anyway, after dinner Mike called me to come over and work on my script. I went over there and we kind of talked it over for a while. Then we went to Talon's house to drive a go cart. I didn't really want to drive it, but I did anyway. I shouldn't have. I was driving with Joe as my passenger and I've never driven a go cart before. I rolled it over. I'm not saying it wasn't my fault, but the thing didn't have brakes. Or seatbelts for that matter. I made it to the end of the field and there is this turn, but immediatly before it there's a dip and I just kind of lost control. I was going too fast too, only because it didn't slow down as fast as I thought it would.

Joe and I are okay, of course. Joe scraped his elbow and bumped his head. I landed on Joe so all I got was bent glasses and a little scrape on my eye brow. I'm more worried about the go cart. It was somewhat dinged up and the rollcage was bent into the steering wheel. Of all the people who could have wrecked it, it was me, less than 20 seconds into the trip. And people wonder why I don't drive. But Joe said it's okay that I almost killed him. I still feel bad about wrecking it though.

After that we had a bonfire and went back to Mike's apartment. I saw a guy I haven't seen since high school which was weird because he's a lot taller now. It was really cool though. And I also did something today that I don't normally do, which is smoke a cigar. Actually, it was half of Mike's cigar, but it was still something. Now I have that burnt kind of flavor in my mouth and I remember why I quit smoking in the first place. I didn't have anything to drink though. I contemplated it, but I didn't want to come home drunk. I don't drink anymore anyway, but it is Memorial Day and all. Or at least it was an hour ago.

I did hear a lot of gay bashing today though. Maybe that's not the right term, it was just people using the term gay in a negative was. A lot. A whole fucking lot. That made me much less willing to come out to any of my friends. But that's okay because I'm happy not using it to define myself. If anyone asks I'll tell them, but only if they ask. My friends are friends with this other gay guy I went to school with named Denny. I don't know what to think or do, so I choose to do nothing,.

So to recap: I didn't get any work done, I'm a bit sore and bruised (I just noticed), I almost killed one of my best friends, I'm not coming out any time soon, I still don't get along with my mom, I'm motivated to do something I want instead of pleasing a bunch of assholes, I smell like smoke, and I am exhausted. But I had a great day.

Schrodinger's Kittens (and the search for reality)

I've been trying all day to get KNOPPIX to boot on the computer in my bedroom. My friend Joe has been having problems with his D-Link wifi card and KNOPPIX worked for him, so I thought I'd try it. I downloaded and burned the ISO last night and went to sleep. This morning I popped the CD-RW in, but it wouldn't boot. I checked the BIOS setting and it was fine. I couldn't find a bootdisk on the CD or the Internet, so I downloaded a program called SmartBoot and installed it to a floppy. The next problem was that SmartBoot won't work with my USB keyboard, and my motherboard won't work with a normal PS/2 keyboard so I had to hunt through all my boxes for my serial keyboard. It only took an hour, but I finally found it. After all that work, the CD still wouldn't work. I should have known, I need to burn KNOPPIX to a CD-R before this computer will boot it, but I don't have the cash to go out and get some.

We had to adopt those kittens I found behind my garage. The mother cat died and they would have starved. We've been feeding them milk from the pet store and keeping them in my warm room at night. I don't want any more animals. They're all just going to die anyway, and if I don't get attached I'll still feel bad, just not as bad. They are kind of cute and I do like cats, I just don't want any more. I may keep the little white one I named Copenhagen, though. Yes I named them. Copenhagen, Schrodinger, Steve, and Doug, all after physicists, except for Doug who is named after Douglas Adams.

I rewrote my script last night. I got bored, so I just did it. I got tired of waiting for people to send me in their revisions, so I figured I'd get the ball rolling and ditch some of the lousy dialogue. I talked to Marie (the leading lady) today and by the sound of it, she wants to butcher the whole thing and change everything but the premise, which somehow managed to stay firmly in place. I don't really have a problem with that. This is a group effort and I'm not going to prevent people from participating. People have really been helpful recently and I appreciate it a lot.

I also talked to Amanda today. It started out as a normal conversation, until I mentioned watching Advent Children today. She started talking about how all the guys in the movie are hot and she likes Kadaj the best and all that kind of stuff. Then she asked me who I preferred (I came out to her a few weeks ago). I didn't want to answer because it made me feel weird, but she made me. It just makes me uncomfortable talking to anyone about guys. I don't even talk to Jason about guys, mostly because we're together and I don't have any reason to look at other guys. I love Jason. Everyone may get tired of hearing it, but I never get tired of saying it. I love Jason.

Feeling Burned Out

It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm tired and all, but I just feel so burned out. It started two days ago when I worked all day on my script and scheduling and never actually got anything accomplished. I got up at 11, went to my friend's house at noon and bounced around some ideas for a few hours. We did do other things here and there, namely playing 12 rounds of Fight Night, but it was mostly work. I think I was there until around 7, when I came home and e-mailed some people details about the script. Then Jason came over and we worked on it, and when he left I e-mailed some more people. I didn't end up going to bed until about two that night.

Then yesterday I found out that we had a family of cats behind our shed. The kittens are only a few days old, but I kept going out to feed the mother cat. Then I found an old computer in my garage that I tried to get going. It was missing a hard drive and there were rust shavings on the motherboard, so I had to get some compressed air. I completely took it apart, sprayed it and put it back together and after all that, it won't boot. I think the power supply is bad, but it might be something else and I don't feel like messing with it. On top of this I was tired all day because the doorbell kept waking me up, but I didn't realize it was the doorbell until a few hours later because it sounds like this clock I used to have in Oklahoma.

Then today was just a disaster. I didn't have any clothes to wear, so I immediately had to do laundry. By the time I ended up taking a shower my parents were in and they both wanted the bathroom. Then I was expecting someone to send me a revision of the script like she promised, but she didn't. A bunch of glass objects fell off a shelf today, and I had to explain to my mom how it happened. The mother cat died, and we took in the kittens, feeding them with an ear syringe. Then Jason came over and we went to Meijer. On the way we got pulled over and the cop kept asking for my middle name and my birth-date. This was especially irritating because I don't have any form of state endorsed identification; all I have is my old college ID.

I don't know if I want to be a filmmaker anymore. I really don't. If it's this hard to get six people organized, how am I going to work on a more ambitious project? I'm too impatient and I want to see a result now, not some time a month or two away. I'm just not good at this, but I've wanted to do it for so long. And people tell me I should do it.

I'm going to bed and when I get up I'm going to do something for myself. Maybe. I still have to feed those damn kittens every two hours, which wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take such a long time. I just want some time to be alone (or with Jason) and have fun. Is that too much to ask for?

Unlucky Number 13

Ahh, after not having Internet access for three days, I can finally get some work done. I'm currently in the process of producing a romance story and I need to be able to communicate with my potential cast and crew. Which is why I panicked when my router wouldn't connect to my ISP. It turns out they really were down because of a storm, and that my dad had paid the bill. I was told it would come back up yesterday afternoon, but it didn't so I got nervous. I thought I'd never have access again. It turned out my password somehow got lost. I didn't write it down, and I didn't change it, but somehow, it was wrong. It was still entered into the settings, but it just wasn't the right password. After battling the ISP support monstrosity for an hour, I finally got the password reset and on the Internet.

After that, I had kind of a slow start. I listened t a few podcasts I missed and IMed a friend until early afternoon. (talking a bit about the movie) Then I had some business to take care of, so I left my computer for four hours. But when I came back, I finished my script, buttered up some potential cast and crew, got some details taken care of, and passed on the script for further revision. I even got to watch the newest episode of systm. It was about the Maker Fair in California and it rekindled my interest in hardware hacking and electronics. I even had time to make an entry in my blog. And to visit some other peoples' blogs.

But I'm a bit worried about scheduling my movie. There are only six actors total, possibly including me. Even though it may seem easy to say 'okay, let's film this day,' it's not. This is where my first movie fell apart. That and people kept dropping out. I hope I can get it right this time. I also have a lot of locations. I need four house sets. I figured I could rearrange furniture and use only two locations, but it's going to be sketchy. I also want to include as many people as I can, but some people aren't sure if they want to participate or not. I was just talking to someone this morning who can't decide what she wants to do, but she definitely wants to be a part of it.

I want to get some more equipment too. First, a clapboard would be kind of cool to have. I looked it up on ebay and saw some for as little as $4, but I don't have an ebay account. Of course, I'm going to need a DVD burner. People all want copies of something that's not even done yet, and VHS tapes are expensive (at least relatively), they record slowly, and they take up too much damn space. I understand some people don't have DVD players. I'll fire up my VCR for them, but no one else. I also need some more mini DVDs. But I have enough for now. The first thing I want to get though, is a set of wireless lapel microphones. They're pretty expensive, so I could do with a boom mic or even a shotgun mic. Thank Sony for the versatility of the accessory shoe.

Most importantly I want people to have fun. I don't make movies for profit. I do it because I'm bored and have no better way to use my time. I also like entertaining people, and I love attention. But it's mostly to have fun. That's why it bugs me that I'm making people nervous about filming. I don't know what to say to make them just have fun. If they're not having fun, I'm not having fun. And if I'm not having fun, why am I making this movie?

Mother's Day is Stupid!

Mother's Day is the dumbest holiday ever. It's dumber than Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, Cinco De Mayo, Thanksgiving, and all those presidents' birthdays. Why should I drive around all night buying my mom a gift that's supposed to thank her for all she's done for me? Why should I be grateful that she makes me hate myself and want to die? Why should I thank her for 20 years of emotional abuse and hurt feelings? Why do I have to thank her for trying to turn me into someone I'm not and never will be?

Today my dad and I took her out to Big Boy for the morning buffet. I didn't feel particularly good and wanted to go back to bed, but I went to lunch anyway. The food was horrible and nothing had any flavor at all, not even the macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up fucking macaroni and cheese? But that's not the worst of it. My dad gave my mom a necklace. It was a nice expensive necklace, not a cheap one from Kmart or something. She said she liked it and she wore it to church and all, but in the middle of the meal she asked what kind of stone it was. When she found out it was an opal she was pissed.

Apparently, opals are bad luck and my dad is a horrible person for not knowing and blah blah blah. She wanted mother of pearl and she never wore an opal in her life. While she was making her little scene I saw some people I know. A friend or two and this guy I used to know in high school. Needless to say, I was embarrassed and I'm never going anywhere with her again. Oh, and I guess I'm not supposed to drink coffee because only 'adults' do it. I really hate her.

Now Valentines Day is a great holiday. It gives us a chance to be with the person we love and just be together. We get to eat candy too, which is never a bad thing. I wish it was Valentines Day right now because it would give me an excuse to be with Jason all day instead of just the nighttime hours (he goes home in the early morning). Not that there's anything wrong with him coming over after work, I just miss him so much. I know if he was here he would make all my problems and disappointments go away and I would be having a great day.

It's My Damn Life!

I don't have loving parents. My mom hates everything I do and my dad lets her get away with anything she wants. Occasionally my mom asks if I'm gay. She doesn't do it in a nice 'it's okay if you are and I love you anyway' way. She'll say something like 'you DO like girls, right?' I don't know why, but I always let it get to me. I know she's never going to accept who I am anyway, but I just can't tell her. But I can't keep up this stupid charade anymore either. I don't know what to do.

It's not only that that makes me feel unloved. Today I spilled some coffee in her car. The first thing out of her mouth was 'now I'm going to have to clean the seat.' It's okay that I have a burn on my hand that hurts like Hell, but what will people think when they see the stain? What will god think when he sees it? We all know that people with a coffee stain the size of a dime go to Hell immediately, and it's all my fault. How will I ever live with myself?

Another time when I was in elementary school (I think second grade) there was a bomb threat and we had to evacuate the building. I left my coat inside because we were all in a hurry to stand in the field. My mom drove by on the way to get me and pulled me into the car without even telling the teacher and started yelling at me about leaving my coat inside. I got in trouble with the teacher the next day too.

I've always let the things she says and does get to me, but not any more. I now realize that I have friends who care about me. What the fuck do I need her for? As soon as I get a job I'm getting the Hell out of here and never turning back. Right now I'm going to start living my life the way without worrying about what that mean hateful bitch thinks. I don't care what anyone else thinks either. Why should I try to please her or other people by being everything I hate?

And no, I'm not coming out to her. Some of my friends, yes. But not to her.

You want to meet my girlfriend?

I have a friend coming up from Arizona next month on vacation who wants to hang out. She asked me in an email today if she was going to meet my girlfriend at that time. (my myspace profile declares I'm in a relationship, but not that I'm gay) My first thought was: oh shit, what am I going to do. I contemplated lying, saying my girlfriend skipped out on us to go to a funeral of some relative or another that I doubt the exitance of and making a big deal out of how she makes me hang out with her friends, but never hangs out with mine. I could have been pretty convincing.

But I decided not to lie. This isn't as simple as it sounds because my friend shares and apartment with my ex-girlfriend, and I don't want to hurt her. I did email her today coming out and apologizing. I reassured her I wasn't jerking her around and that I really enjoyed being with her. I feel really bad and I never planned on telling her, but if my friend is going to find out, my ex will know anyway. So I thought it would be best for her to ear it from me first. I mean, she wants to move to LA and I want to move to LA, and if she ever bumped into Jason and me it would be really weird.

So why do I feel so strange right now? I've been waiting for my ex to send me a message for a while just so I can stop worrying about if she hates me or not and I'm stick to my stomach. I don't know why. I've come out to people I know before. Okay, I came out to one person I know before and I'm not sure if he even remembers. I added him to my myspace friends, but I don't know what he thinks about me and I don't want to ask because it would be really weird. Maybe I just don't really want to come out.

But I don't feel like hiding anymore. Why should I be ashamed of myself for something that's not my fault? Are all redheads ashamed of themselves? This is stupid. I'm afraid of my friends, who have never been there for me in my life, won't accept me for who I am. If they don't like me, they can go fuck themselves. It's that simple. No, it's not. If all my friends hate me, I'll have no volunteers for my movies. And it'll be just Jason, his friends, and me.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I think I'll just take a nap and sort things out when I get up.


UPDATE:

Amanda (my ex) doesn't hate me, I feel better, my nap went well, I like myself more, and the world can continue!

I got my computer put back together and it doesn't crash. As much. I'm not blaming it on airflow anymore because there are now a total of seven fans in the computer. (front, back, power supply, video card, CPU, and two on the side) Now I'm thinking it's a power supply problem again. I ruled it out earlier because I switched out the unit, but I might need a more powerful one. I'm looking at one on newegg for $70. That's the cheapest that one that would suit my needs, but it doesn't have PFC (power factor conditioning), which some sources say is an absolute requirement. It did get three good reviews, though.

After that, I want to get more RAM. I have 512, but a gig would be better. 2 gigs would be great, but I'm not sure my motherboard would support that. Then I want to get a faster CPU because Jason has a 2.53 and I only have a 2.08. But it's an AMD 2800+ and is supposed to effectively run at about 2.8 Ghz for some reason. Then I need a DVD burner if I ever want to really get into filmmaking. VHS just doesn't cut it. Then I want a 10,000 RPM hard drive, but I think I'd have to get a mobo that supports SATA first, and then I'd need to replace all my drives.

But I don't have the money to get all those things because I'm still unemployed. I filled out that application on Tuesday and Al still hasn't called me. I don't if he got it or not, but I don't want to fuck around with it anymore. I'm sick of being jerked around like this. If there is a job in a place I know the location to, I'll take it. There was a help wanted sign in a cafe across town the other day, but I wanted to see if I would get this job first. The sign is gone now, and I'm screwed because instead of having one of two potential jobs, I have none.

And it's getting harder than ever to live with my parents. This house is filled with nothing but hate and anger and it's all directed toward me. It's like a laser beam focused directly at my forehead. And I don't even know why. If I did something wrong, I wish someone would tell me because I'm really sorry for it. But I've been trying not to let things like that get to me. It's not really working, so I just stay locked up in my room until everyone is gone. Then I feel worse because it reminds me that the only person I really ever talk to is Jason. I talk to my other friends on myspace and all, but I never really see any of them.

But I have been working on my computers recently and I've decided to set up a file server. I have a 166 just sitting there that I think could get the job done. I know 166 may not seem like a lot, but I'll only be sharing files with 3 other computers, and probably not that often. I'm installing Linux on it right now and then I'm going to learn how Samba works. Then I'll never have a reason to leave my room at all. Unless I want to play SimCity or something like that. Hmm, I also want to get a NIC for my PS2 because I've heard of people doing some really cool things with it.

Myspace Stole my Soul!

Today I went looking for the place I was going to apply the other day. I was going to go on Saturday, but I wanted to wait until after the weekend. I drove down the road it’s on six times and I couldn’t find it, so I looked up the address on the Internet. The address led me to the owner’s home, but not to the business. Then I went looking for my neighbor who told me about the job and when I found out she wasn’t home I gave her husband my number. I asked him where she worked and he kind of vaguely described a silver building.

A few hours later he called back and gave me the number where my neighbor could be reached. I called her immediately and told her I couldn’t find the place. She told me it has a large sign out front that clearly stated the name of the business. It’s a lie. The sign out front says “Foxfire Farms.” She works at a place called ABC Bees Wasps and Spiders. No one told me this damn place was inside the gates of Foxfire. They all told me how far it is to this road and how close it is to this one. I could not get an accurate description from anyone.

Needless to say I didn’t end up applying for the job yet, but I’m going to fill out an application tomorrow, if I can find the right building. The owner won’t be in until Thursday, and there’s no guarantee I’ll be hired, so I am at this point still unemployed. I don’t even know if I want this job, either. I need the money, but I get tired mowing my tiny little lawn so how can I do it all day? For up to 12 hours a day? But I’ll give it a try. I could probably use the exercise anyway.

I got all the parts in my case today with only one problem. My old case didn’t come with raisers for the motherboard; there were little mounds formed in the case that did the same thing. I went to Radio Shack to find some, but they had none. Apparently however, there was a guy hocking computer parts there, but I didn’t feel like hunting him down. I ended up taking the raisers from the compute in my room, so now all I have is my family computer. It’s nice to have my own computer and some privacy, but at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Myspace is the devil. (along with Bill Gates and my mom of course)But it's nice to see some of my friends.