"Why is your dad in the hospital?"

Complete renal (kidney) failure.

Funny story: It all started when my dad had his second heart attack a few months ago. He survived it and was put on 8 (eight) separate medications. Since then he's been unable to hold down a lot of foods. We kind of knew it was the medication, so we tried to accommodate the situation by cooking bland, spiceless foods. That worked for a while until Thursday night when my dad was so sick he had to be rushed to the hospital.

He wasn't doing all that bad when he went in, but that soon changed. After waiting in the ER for three (3) hours he was finally looked at and diagnosed with renal failure. What's worse was that his blood pressure was dangerously low. He was then put into ICU and transfered to St. John's in Detroit where he was put in ICCU (the second C is for cardiac).

There they discovered that he had a partial aneurysm in his heart. The artery didn't burst, but ballooned out a little, so it didn't kill him. But there was nothing they could do about his heart until they did something about the renal failure, and things didn't look good. So they took him off his eight medications and within 2 hours his kidneys were functioning properly again and he was awake and eating a turkey sandwich.

I visited him the next day and he complained about his lunch being late. He was obviously doing a lot better because I watched him eat (and keep down) the entire lunch and dinner that was brought to him. He was no longer tired, weak, or sickly. They even let him come home today (Sunday). Now all we have to do is keep his blood pressure as low as we can (which is abnormally low in most cases) so that nothing more happens to his heart.

I read that many medications can cause renal failure, which was the cause of the high blood pressure, which was the cause of the aneurism, which almost killed him (along with blood poisoning from the kidney failure). The moral of the story: someone at St. John's River District Hospital in East China, Michigan really fucked up. Anyone fancy a lawsuit?

I Call This One 'Bleh'

I really hate it when it's too hot to sleep and I have to get up in the morning. On the positive side it gives me some time to finish up Final Fantasy XII (after 100+ hours) and listen to 10+ hours of TWiT podcasts that Jason downloaded for me. But on the negative side I'm going to have to wash my sheets again. I've had some time to think about how to fit exercise and relaxation into my day. But I'll be too tired in the morning to actually do it. I get to brush my teeth one extra time per night. But that's only because I have really raunchy breath at night. Bleh.

I hate desktop publishing. My printer is aging and refuses to accurately take the paper, leading to misaligned pages and fraudulent paper jams. It's also hard to tell what something will look like when it's actually printed. I think I prefer digital images that will forever remain on a monitor (unless someone else feels the need to print it, in which case it's their problem). I want to make another poster, but have no inspiration. Bleh.

I like foods with extreme flavors. Swiss cheese, onions, and beer mustard frequently accompany my hamburger patties. On the rare occasion that we have a lemon or two in the house I'll eat them like most people would eat an orange. I like my coffee strong, black, and lukewarm. Whole mild peppers are delicious. I also can't get enough ice cream despite my intolerance to lactose. The foods I won't eat (people call me picky): mushrooms and cooked carrots. Bleh.

I'm addicted to video games. My fire sorceress is level 85, my gang controls 100% of the greater Los Santos area, and my city's streets are bustling. I'm also addicted to music. 121 hours and 8.5 Gigs sit on my local drive. Few genres are unaccounted for in my library (of music, that is). I'm addicted to music based games too. Completing Amplitude on Brutal Mode was no sweat and I do enjoy flailing my arms as I play Dance Dance Revolution in the middle of my bedroom floor. I can't dance. Bleh.

Storytelling is one of my favorite activities. It helps me entertain people, which is another passion of mine. Too bad I'm shy. That's why I like writing. But filmmaking is kind of a drag with the formatting and the filming and whatnot. I've thought of being a stand up comedian, but then there are the jokes and the standing up. I'd rather be an old-fashioned, storytelling bard. With a computer. And the Internet. Bleh.

People don't understand me. It's my fault, really. First for being so weird in a way that no one else can claim to be, and second for not making my words and actions crystal clear. Everyone takes everything literally, yet I post vague references and quotes without explaining myself. If I was more like everyone else people would get me. But then I'd be more like everyone else and I wouldn't get myself. Bleh.

I Have Seen the Light and it is my Mind

the State has decided: who I am to love, to hate
what I'm to do in be, with what and to whom

the State has made a military coup in bed
stop screaming: the world is a better place

we are now going to sing the virtues of mass murder
we will follow our religious leaders

our feelings are stamped: State Property
pornography is practiced by God
who has raped more souls than you can shake a prick at

Jesus Christ is a funny name
for an hallucinogenic drug

all those addicts like Billy Graham and the Pope
will have to account for their expensive habit

from his last words on the cross
I gather Jesus was begging for the ultimate fix

-Harold Norse

So I still don't have the Internet, there are no places in marine City to get good free Internet acces (other than Big Boy, but I don't have the money for coffee), and no one has an open access point. So I'm pretty much cut off from everyone I know. I can't colaborate with peple, I can't share my thoughts and feelings, I can't even recieve a local phone call because we don't have Caller ID and no one bothers taking down a phone number.

I fucking hate my family too. All in all, I'm having a really shtty month. Or have I been saying that since January? I don't even remember now.

Oops

Stephanie thought it would be a good idea to mention that my dad didn't pay the phone bill this month, so I don't really have access to the Internet anymore. It's not like I do anything important on the Internet or anythign though, so it's all okay. But when they threaten to disconnect our cable, all Hell breaks loose.

Gone

Here I am. Overjoyed with my life and all the wonderful things that encompass it. Waking up each morning with a smile on my face knowing that today will be more marvelous than I can even imagine. Glad to be behind these high walls that I’ve spent a lifetime building to block out all the malice that is in the day-to-day life of this cruel world. I let them down a few times before to let people in, but then felt the immense ripping pain of the knife through my heart as they each left and I vow to never feel that pain again, no matter what it takes. There is only spot where it is safe to be without getting cut by the barbed wire, spikes, and sharp thorns that line both sides of all four walls and the roof. The reinforced concrete and thick steel plates that compose my fortress, my castle, my home to insure that I will never have to worry about someone getting in.

There is a camera in the very top corner that points down at me, to allow those I trust to see me. A screen in front of where I eternally sit, allows me to see the world. I have been staring at my toes for a while trying to move each one individually, but unable to do so. I look up at the screen and my breath is taken aback. His beautiful face appears, and happiness pours into my body like a warm rushing river. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him that I love him and that he means the world to me, I still have to tell him more. It’s as if nothing is ever enough, because he can’t even fathom all the pain and misery that he makes me forget by just being near me, the ecstasy I feel every time I hear even the faintest whisper of his name. He has my soul, the very fiber of my being and I am nothing… nothing but a person behind a wall without him. The times in between our meetings are the cloudy nights that long for the moon and stars that otherwise fill it creating a portrait so beautiful and awe-inspiring words simply fail to describe.

It is raining outside; it’s been raining for days. It is so heavy that it’s hard to see more than a few inches in any direction. I like to watch it from the safety of my dwelling as it cleanses the Earth from the build up of dirt and filth that piles up during the dry cycles. I feel myself smile just seeing it shoot down from the sky as waterfall and I am reminded of happy times. My mind drifts from memory to memory, as I listen to the steady stream hit the ground and I make a wish that the world could always be as joyful as my memories.

Without warning, a roaring sound comes rushing towards me. I open my eyes to see that the massive amount of rain has caused the ground to lift from its bed and dance about. People scream and run for cover, but I am protected, out of harm's way inside these walls that I built. I monitor to make sure that everyone I care about has made it to shelter, and I am pleasantly rewarded with their smiling faces saying ‘hello’ to me by merely looking in my direction and I feel the warm from their love for me as if someone has just turned on a radiator to full blast.

Something cold and moist touches the top of my head and rolls down my ear. It takes me a few seconds to figure out what it is. Several feet above me, there is a crack that the foul smelling ooze from this mudslide is creeping into from. I am upset, but I am unharmed. I can handle getting a little dirty while the storm passes I suppose; besides there is no way I can fix it now. It is far above my head and there is no way to get there without injury because of all the roughness on the walls. For now, I try my best to ignore it. There is no use fretting over something that cannot be changed.

The rain has not slowed down and everyone has sought out for higher ground. They are all still in good health and their only concern is my well-being. The trickle of mud has now from a small pool on the ground below me, but beyond that, I am well. I reassure them that I will be right here waiting for them, when this weather has past. I wonder just how long that will be, while the storm rages on.

The few drips that were coming through have now become a gentle flow into my abode. Only my knees and my chest stick out from the viscous solution of all things outdoors. I know if it continues I’ll have to encounter cuts from the walls as I stand up to keep my head above the swirling bits of twigs, grass, and various other matter that should be outside on the ground not in here parading about as if celebrating their new found freedom.

The valley is filled with this brown muck. Whole houses, trees, and hills have been drown by its massive volume. I built my walls higher than conceivable, and yet somehow it has surpassed the top. The pressure has made the gentle flow become a steady stream and my hands sting from having to press them against the briery sides in order to keep my head such that I can breathe. I feel the iciness chilling me to the core of my body as my waist is slowing being overtaken by this malicious entity.

I struggle to stay afloat as liquid pours in at an alarming rate. It has started pulling at the supports of my siding causing bits of barbed wire and thorns to fly down at me like bombs falling from planes in the sky during another pointless war and I am one of the innocent civilians running for my life, having to zigzag back and forth to avoid being hit. Swimming is a struggle because the mud is so thick, but I know I can endure this, I just need to keep hanging on. I’m about half way up and the crack is still several arms spans above me. Why did I make these walls so high? How did a crack get through all that cement and steel? Questions that I don’t have time to answer right now.

The flow has slowed down now that I have risen above the crack. I no longer have to worry about being struck by falling debris. I’m only a few feet from the top and I pray to whomever it is up there (if there is someone up there) to make this abomination stop once and for all. My muscles ache, as they have never endured such an intense regiment before. Hope that the levels will not rise much more, for I’ll be trapped by the ceiling, is all I think about now.

I know the camera is still on, I wish it wasn’t, but it is. Watching my every move with its unblinking eye, displaying it to the world my epic battle for survival. Who is watching me now, I can only imagine. I don’t want to be shown like this. I don’t want people to pay attention only because I’m dying. If they wanted to get to know or even see me, there was plenty of time before this wrath of the Earth was unleashed upon us. So badly, I want to turn it off or at least turn it away but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, it’s determined to keep monitoring every little thing I do, every breath I take.

My head is scraped and scratched by the prickly ceiling and I begin wondering why I built these walls of damnation in the first place, but I needed them. I needed them to protect me from her, that vile monstrosity that I could not escape despite my best efforts. Why did she have to hurt me so? why couldn’t she just except me for what I am? I could be happy if I wasn’t in this self-made prison that she forced me to build. I could be happy if it wasn’t for her and her damn ‘values’. WHY?!?!!?

My hands and face are bleeding and tears are rolling down my face. My wounds sting from all the dirt and debris that is filling them. This however is one of the last things on my mind. I just want to be left alone. Desperately I try to point the camera away, “DON’T LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M LIKE THIS!!!! JUST LET ME BE!!!” I scream out. It only attracts more people to watch as I fight with every ounce left in me to stay above what is becoming my emanate death. My friends cry out for me, they love me. I know that, but love cannot save me now. Why can’t they just leave me alone? I want them to remember the happy times we had together, not to remember me like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!

There is but a few inches of air left. I turn my head to get a quick breath of air before I return to my watery tomb. I don’t know why I’m still hanging on; I won’t be saved. I go to get another breath of air only to find that the air is gone. I fall and my lungs begin to swell with this relentless curse. In my final moments of consciousness, I hear the roof being torn off. Someone has come to save me, but it is too late, I am gone.


By Julie Sunshine Emerick

Strange Species

I, Richard G. Moore, a national of the United States, solemnly swear that I was born at Flat Plains AFB, Oklahoma, United States of America, Planet Earth on February 13, 1986; that I formerly resided in the United States at 765 Broadway, Marine City, Michigan, United States of America, Planet Earth, That I had resided in the United States from February 13, 1986 to July 7, 2007; That I am a national of the United States by virtue of birth;

That I desire to make a formal renunciation of my Earthian Planetarity and Humanship, as provided by section 349(a)(5) of the Immigration and Planetarity Act, and pursuant thereto I hereby absolutely and entirely renounce my Earthian Planetarity and Humanship together with all rights and privileges and all duties of allegiance and fidelity thereunto pertaining.






Sometimes I'm ashamed to be associated with the vile, unintelligent, hate filled inhabitants of this little blue lump of matter hurling through the vacuum of the universe. So I adapted this from an official document, thanks to the U.S government posting everything on the Internet. I really do wish this was a real document and I could get as far away from here as modern propulsion would allow because every day I encounter (not always physically) dozens of people who go through their lives trying to convince everyone around them that their way of living is the one and only right way. People just can't handle anyone who doesn't fit into their nice little definitions of what people should be and continue fighting for what they think is right.

The worst is when people quote the Holy Bible. I'm not disputing the Bible's validity. Even though I don't think it represents what God would want, it might actually be his exact words. No one really knows. What gets me is when people misuse passages in the Bible that could be interpreted a million different ways, but they insist that their way is right because their favorite televangelist said so. These people then continue to throw out passages (especially in Leviticus) that don't work for them, but still insist that if someone violates the very next passage they're going straight to Hell.

People also insist on intruding on others' civil rights, claiming that their rights are violated. A law student fails the BAR exam because he refuses to answer a question about gay marriage. He wasn't asked to agree with the law or homosexuality in general, just to answer a simple question. But it somehow violated his rights, making the words "gay marriage" (and thus the concept) arguably unconstitutional. The parent of a fifth grader sits in on a PTA meeting and insists that a black school teacher should be let go because he makes the daughter of a man she doesn't even know uncomfortable. The kids have a right to learn in a healthy environment, but God forbid the man be able to work in one.

With all the hate that's constantly going around it's hard to believe people ever get anything done. Or do they? What does all the bickering, fighting, and name calling accomplish? Humans are so caught up in their beliefs that they never stop to think if they're right. They just insist. And that leads to a whole lot of hate, violence, war, and death.

I'm proud to no longer be a part of that.

Happy Lousy Holiday

I'm working on a zombie film. No, I don't know why. I just kind of feel like it. I just felt like making a serious movie. Err, well a movie. I really do like where it's going right now, but the more I look at the budget (just over $100) and the number of actors and extras I need the more it just seems like work. Where did all the fun go? I know it takes a lot of effort to get something out of filmmaking, but effort is one thing I just can't do right now. I'll post a script or synopsis here as soon as I get something done though.

[this holiday rant has been removed due to excessive whininness]

Starting Saturday my mom voluenteered me to dog sit for her friend out in the country. They don't have the Internet, but that doesn't really matter because I don't have my power adapter yet. I'm fairly confident it'll come before Friday though, and if it doesn't I'll just have to go a week without a computer at all. Or the phone because can never hear with their lousy connection and people don't talk loud enough. I could use my mom's roll over minutes (that expire every month now since we haven't used them in a year), but she won't let me. She's like that.

Two Careers Overnight!

I realized something today. Technically, I have a paying job. Today was the first day of shooting for that film I'm PAing on, and things went pretty smoothly. I got the hang of things pretty quick and I was moderately helpful. I learned a lot of things about the actual filming process and equipment (because I've never used anything beyond a consumer grade digital camcorder). Despite a sore back, all in all it was a great day for me.

It feels kind of good to have this job because it's exactly that. It may only be on Sundays and I'll probably never see any money from it (I get 2% after the film grosses $400, which is unlikely and even if it does it'll barely be anything), but it's still a job. It really gives me a sense of satisfaction that I'm actually doing something, and it's something I really want to do with my life. I'm really glad I'm doing it.

If you want to be really technical I'm also in "landscaping " as Julie calls it. But I do that mostly to get a tan.

The Same Old Rant, Reworded

Why does it seem like everything is against me all the time? Like, I have to work so hard to be happy, but then someone makes a mean or hurtful comment and all my hard work goes to waste, which makes me feel even worse. I'd blame it on karma or something to that effect, but a lot of times it seems that something horrible happens immediately after I do something good.

I gave my mom that shelf because I know she needs the money and I lost Internet access for 2 days. That normally would have been bearable, but I needed to send out some important emails regarding costumes today. Then I let myself get so worked up over it that I seriously thought I failed at the entire job because of it. Then the Internet came back up and I felt really stupid for worrying so much about it.

I try to do everything right. I try to do things for people as much as I can because I know I'm not really worth anything, but it always seems to turn out wrong. No matter what I do it seems that no one is ever really satisfied. Or maybe I'm not satisfied with myself. I know I could do so much better if I just tried, but something always stops me. Sometimes it's bad luck or karma, but sometimes it's just me being lazy.

Everything is just going wrong right now. This week, this month, this year. I need to get a job, get out of here, go back to college, and start making some films. I don't know why I don't. I could make a film right now if I wanted. but there's always something that stops me. I could probably get a job if I tried harder, and I could convince someone to let me move in with them. But I don't. And I don't know why.

But there is one thing I do have. I have someone to comfort me when I'm down and encourage me to do what I really want. That's enough to make me feel decent about myself. And that's what I need right now.

Also John, Paul, Ringo, and George help.

How Not to Handle Money

This may or may not come as a surprise to some of you, but my family is having some serious money issues. All four people living in this house are unemployed, we keep spending money like there's no tomorrow, and yet money keeps materializing from nowhere. Or at least, it did before this morning. To give you a quick background, our monthly budget looks something like this:

-80 Digital Cable
-60 Phone/Internet/(unused) Cell Phone
-70 Gas (not gasoline)
-50 Water
-90 Electric
-150 Gasoline (frequent trips to Port Huron)
-300 Fast Food (almost every day)
-150 Actual food (we have access to a Bridge card too)
-200 Various Purchases
-----
1130 Total Expenditure


+450 Dad's Pension
+623 My Aunt's SSI
----
1073 Total Income


See a problem there? I failed to factor in medical expenses from my dad's recent heart attack and my mom's car accident, and I probably misjudged some of the bills, but the you can clearly see the situation.

If my mom would stop running people to Port Huron (up to) three times a week and cut back on her spending a little bit, we could probably save $300 right there. We also leave the TV, multiple fans, my mom's computer, and the computer in the kitchen running all day, regardless of whether they're being used or not. We could save on gas by doing larger loads (someone washes three or four items at a time on the largest load setting) of laundry and actually allowing food to thaw before we begin cooking it. We could save some money on the phone bill by canceling service to the cell phone we don't use. We could completely cancel the cable too, because there's never anything on.

But we won't because it's obviously better to spend all the bill money and complain than to manage money responsibly. I hope Jason is better at handling money than I am or we have a serious problem.

ADDENDUM: My mom randomly decided that she needs a new shelf for her DVD collection and prepared to go to Kmart to buy one. I know she doesn't have any money and I really don't want her to cancel the our Internet service, so I gave her the shelf I used for DVD's, which she gave me when we first moved in. Now she's mad about it.

Bleed Like Me

What a Weekend

I've recently noticed that my blog has turned into the "For breakfast I had toast and then I went out to walk the dog and found a nickel and put it in my change jar" kind of blog. That's what happens when I'm happy. I can't help it, I just don't say interesting things when I'm happy. But on the other hand, when I'm depressed my posts are whiny, self centered, and pointless. Like this one.

There's a old saying (Murphy's Law) "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." What I've discovered that when things that can go wrong decide to do so, they stand around and wait for some of their buddies so that they can all go wrong at the same time. It could just be me, I don't know. But it seems like when something goes (more) wrong in my life everything else has to immediately follow suit.

My earbuds are shorting out from wearing them from cutting the lawn. The mower is getting worn faster than normal too because I occasionally hit rocks and steel fragments hidden in the tall grass. I ripped one of my two good pairs of pants by putting myself in a position that strains the knees. I broke my power adapter by moving my computer around too much. I can't replace any of these things myself even though I caused the problems myself and I always feel bad having other people give me things (especially my parents) because I'm 21 and I should be able to provide all of these for myself.

I had a lot of plans for this weekend too. Friday I was going to spend some time with Jason, Saturday spend the evening with Jason and Steph brainstorming for that slasher I told myself I'd write a year ago, and Sunday hanging out with Mike and Joe. But that all got canceled. Mike got called into work and Joe canceled because he's Joe and that's what he does. It's happened to me at least 20 times and I still don't expect it. There goes Sunday. Steph got reminded of another party after the one she was getting off early from. That's fine, she had a prior commitment. But Jason got sick.

I've had a cold for a week and I made Jason come over Saturday and Tuesday. So it's my fault he's sick so it's my fault my weekend is shot and I'm not going to be seeing anyone. I was so excited about actually doing something this weekend instead of sitting alone in my room waiting for someone to IM me, call me, or even just talk to me. And I ruined it completely by telling Jason I felt better Tuesday so I could see him. If I didn't get to see Steph, Joe, or Mike it would have been okay because at least Jason would be here to comfort me after a really bad day. So my punishment for being selfish Tuesday is having a miserable weekend.

It's weird how I can be surrounded (kinda) by people and still feel the suffocating blanket of loneliness. I know Jason is there to comfort me. I know I can talk to Steph any time. I know there are other people who would consider having a serious conversation with me. But I still can't help feeling alone sometimes.

It also makes me feel like a big loser. I complain about living at home with my mom when I'm 21 but I don't go out and get a job. None of my friends care enough about me (Jason and Steph aside) to keep a commitment, and I rarely talk to any of my friends except Jason and Steph. Of course there's Matt and all my Internet friends, but they don't count because I never see them. Sometimes I just feel like I'm really not worthy of anyone or anything and I get what I deserve.

I had a point but it got lost somewhere in sorrow and self pity.

Sleepytime!

I've been meaning to blog for a few days, but I have a wicked cold and I haven't really been doing a whole lot of anything. My cold started Sunday, which is also the day Jason and I happened to go to Port Huron. I made him really; I paid for gas and even offered to drive, and if ever offer to drive you know something's wrong (but I won't get into that right now).

We visited our friend Sarah, the girl who repeatedly insisted on me living with her in Port Huron and then changed her mind when I really needed her. Now she has not just one, but two unemployed, homeless people sleeping on her couch. That made me feel pretty bad because I could have had a decent job and been out of there by now.

I'm out of steam. I had more to say, but I think I could use a nap right now.

Also, Jason gets grumpy sometimes!

I Hate You, Dell.

I've been having some problems with my Dell Latitude lately. The power adapter that first came with it had a short just before the piece that plugs into the computer. It slowly died for about a month, working on and off the whole time. That kind of sucked because I really need a computer to do the things I do. That's just how I roll.

Luckily, Jason had a spare adapter from his old Dell. It was a slightly different adapter, but it was the same wattage and it fit my Dell. Kind of. The adapter was designed for a different computer and every time I plugged it into mine, it pushed back the protective plastic sheath just a little bit. At first I didn't notice it, but when the hard plastic plug started coming out of the sheath, it became apparent that there was a problem. I thought if I was just careful with it I could use it for a few more months until I could afford a new one. I was wrong, so now I'm using the 333 until I have the chance to buy a new adapter.

I do have a check for $50 sitting on my TV, but I have no clue how to cash a persona check. I guess I can just go into the bank and find out, but I don't really feel like it today. They close at 5 anyway, and I don't really have a way to get there. I don't know if my ID will be adequate either, because the picture is pretty worn (to the point that it could be a picture of pretty much anyone) and it's a Baker College ID card rather than a state ID or driver's license. I did start both of my accounts with it though, and so far I don't think there have been any problems, not that I actually make any withdrawals or deposits.

I was going to go to Tennessee with Steph, but the van she was going to use broke down, so she left in a different vehicle this morning. It wasn't the short notice that bothered me, but I needed more time to come up with the money to eat on because I used most of it to pay my student loan bill. I would have used the check money to go instead of getting a new adapter because she needed help, but I would have had to cash it this morning. I'll do it eventually, I just don't know when.

Frustration

The overwhelming sense of some unidentified,
Unidentifiable, feeling of general and utterly
Unavoidable wrongness that creeps it's way into
Life at the every inappropriate, inopportune time
Causes a kind of mass panic to happen in my head.
Do I really deserve the possessions
Meager, but absolutely adequate
That have been handed to me without reason?
Is this block in my regular thought process
The result of years of regular self abuse,
Rather than just a short creative doubt?
How much longer can I afford to be
Unfortunately unemployed when
I couldn't even feed myself for
Three days from the Dollar Menu?
Is the four year lack of employment
The result of subconscious sabotage
Or the forced lack of any social experience,
Rather than a lousy job market
In a devastated state?
Where would I be right now if I hadn't made such
Disastrously wrong choices in years past?
And where the Hell am I
Supposed to go from here?

Career Options Ahoy!

Jason and I have been considering a career as Calvin Klein posterboys. What do you guys think?



P.S. Since Eggdisk is down and my Flick profile is public, I hosted this image with Google's Picasa service. It really, really sucks.

Oh, and the image was done by my friend Jacen.

The System is Down

Eggdisk, the file host I use for many of my images and misc. files is down! I don't know what happened, but it's completely dead. I can't connect to the server and all of my links are dead. I tried to contact the owner about it, but his email address is hosted at eggdisk.com, so that didn't go too well. He hasn't logged into any of the social networks under the eggdisk profile since January, and the forums are down. I think I need a new host.

I've also noticed that a lot of people around me are having relationship problems. I've seen 3 different couples break up within 4 days of each other. That really got me thinking about my relationship with Jason. I know he loves me and he'd never do anything to hurt me, but I really need to start treating better. He's coming over today, but my family is here, so we have to leave. That's not fair to Jason because it makes him feel like I'm hiding him, which I am, but I really don't want to. It makes me feel so bad, but there's nothing I can do until I get the Hell out of this house.

I applied at AutoZone the other day and I'm kind of excited about that. I'm also nervous because I don't really know that much about cars and yet, I'm look for a job at an automotive store. I don't even drive and people are going to ask me all kinds of questions about cars and whatnot, and I'm going to have no idea what I'm talking about. But I can do it with a smile.

On a similar note, my cousin (the one who's Geo Metro I kind of broke) just got a Chrysler Seabring convertible for free. It's not a bad car and has leather seats and all that too. My only complaint is that the seatbelts are connected to the seats, which seem awfully flimsy. That and the speakers make the entire door panel vibrate, creating an horrible noise. But that can probably be solved by turning the bass down, but that's not my call.

The first rehearsal for After the Beep is in 2 days and I haven't really fufilled my duties as the costume guy. I emailed people and about half of them got back to me, but a lot of them don't have the full costume they need and it's kind of my job to find it. So now I need to figure out where to get a red hat for the pizza guy (an easy one) and a camouflage shirt (probably at the army surplus store or something). But I think I have it all under control for now. I'll talk to all of the actors when I get there and see where we stand. Also, I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but I'm going to bring my PDA to keep organized. I guess I just forgot I had it since I usually use it as an ebook reader.

INT - RICH'S ROOM - NIGHT

So I didn't drink at the bonfire and I still had a good time. I was in charge of dragging broken tree limbs from the back woods and manning the fire, which was fun. I'd really like to do it more often, but I have few friends I actually hang out with anymore. I really need to fix that or something. But I probably won't and I'll just sit in my room on my computer all day and be miserable. I'm stubborn like that sometimes.

I tried going to sleep hours ago, but that didn't really go so well. I just have a lot of nervous energy tonight even though I'm pretty tired. I had all sorts of ideas that would go great on film (or tape, or disc) and I started writing and wrote INT - DEBBY'S HOUSE - MORNING which quickly changed to EXT - FREEWAY - NIGHT then to EXT- HOUSE - DAWN and back. That's really as far as I got because every time I start writing I can't think of what I want to say, let alone how to say it.

I was going to start my Ubuntu blog again because I kind of want to reinstall Ubuntu and reconfigure my partitions because my current configuration isn't really working that well. As I install everything I can take screenshots as I go and I'll remember a lot of things I need to say. But instead I procrastinated and played Postal 2. Great game, but it's not really helping me get my work done. I don't know what happened; I was doing really well for months, but now I'm back in a spot where I'm just not motivated to do anything. It really hurts because I know I should be out doing stuff, but I'm just not and I don't know why.

What is Family?

There's a white trash family reunion coming up here in a few months. I don't really think I should go if the entire family talks about me behind my back like my mom claims. I don't feel comfortable there and I don't belong. I have nothing in common with any of those people, but still I'm expected to go. They're always awkward and I always worry that the family hates me, but now I know they do.

Did I mention my mom is the one planning it (read: insisting on having it)? She hates everyone in the family for one silly reason or another, but she still wants them to get together. I don't know if she's doing it just to make me uncomfortable or if she actually thinks it's a good idea for some reason. What I do know is that I don't want to have to be around those people, but I can't tell her that because we're all family and she claims that means something.

But it doesn't. If any one of them knew I was gay the entire family would be completely against me, not that they're really on my side now or anything. Even my mom turned on me when she found out, although she won't kick me out because it would make a bad impression on the family. I honestly wish she would just tell me to leave and not take it back because then at least I'd have something to complain about. All this time she claims she's a wonderful parent because I have a roof over my head, but what I really need is someone to tell me I'm not a (failure, monster, horrible person, pervert, waste of space).

On the plus side, I'm going to a bonfire/21st birthday party tonight! On another down side, there's going to be alcohol there and I'd like to have a few drinks (probably not too many) but I don't want Jason to get mad. I know he said it's okay and I know he's trying to help, but it makes me feel weird. Also, if my mom found out even though I'm 21 she'd be pissed off (not that that would actually stop me from doing it). That's kind of ironic because she just yelled at me for not doing "normal stuff" but when I do she yells at me.

I'm going to enjoy myself tonight though. I think I deserve it, although most people probably wouldn't agree with me. I've had a stressful month so far and I think getting out would be good for me.

All My Titles Suck

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I've just been feeling kind of lousy. I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want people to get bored of me or up and leave, so I usually just pretend everything is all fine. But it's not. I struggle every day not to hate myself and every time I make any amount of progress someone comes and knocks me back down. I'm drowning and there's no one here to save me. Jason is going through a similar struggle and it's unfair to ask him to keep us both up.

Apparently my mom's family talks about me behind my back, which is fine. I don't really care what a bunch of white trash pricks say. But my mom does care and she's sick of defending me when "other people are right." She started screaming at me the other day, I'm still not sure why, and it always seems to come back to my relationship with Jason. She said something like "You can move far away and then no one will ever have to know," which made me feel pretty bad. Like I should hide myself from the world because I live around a bunch of assholes.

I haven't felt like doing anything since the last time I blogged, so I let a lot of things slide. I haven't written anything in the 2 weeks and I haven't done what I need to do. I did go to a production meeting for that movie and somehow I got promoted from a PA to costumes, which was kind of discouraging. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't know if I can do it because I have to deal with people that I don't know. But I guess now I have to.

I missed blogging about Jason and my 2nd year anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. We couldn't afford to get each other anything, so I kind of relaxed about that, but Jason got me a card (actually it was a birthday card with birthday crossed out, but the theme did center around 'it made sense when i bought it'). I felt bad because I didn't even think to get him one. We went up to Cheap Charlie's and Jason got the most disgusting, vile, raw steak ever and I got (cooked) steak and ribs. I can't really say that I enjoyed the ribs that much, but the steak was pretty good.

Yesterday I was walking around town and there's a guy I always see riding around town in a wheelchair. I smiled and said hi and he extended his hand and so did I. I should have just kept walking and acted like I couldn't hear him because it turns out he was a Jehovah's Witness and gave me a pamphlet. That was okay though because I didn't have to sit and talk to him or anything.

There was something big at the beginning of the 2 weeks that made me not want to do anything, but I don't remember what it was. It couldn't have been that important or I would have remembered. Either that or my fight the other day really screwed things up.

Home Again

Jason got home on Sunday. I've been meaning to post a picture of us since then, but I've been too excited and busy. It's really great having Jason around again. He's such a sweet guy and makes me so happy. I feel so much better when I can sit down with him and just talk and give him a hug when he needs it.

He's has been really down recently because of events I can't really go into here. He feels like a monster even though he did nothing wrong and is one of the most kind people I know. He's also doubting his screenwriting career, which I completely relate with, but Jason is a great writer! His script is rock solid and hilarious, but some people think it's mean and hateful, so he's abandoning the entire idea. I wish I knew what to say to make him feel better, but I'm bad at the whole boyfriend thing.

I have a meeting on Sunday for that film crew I'm volunteering for. The one where everyone has a ton of experience, but me. They just got a sound guy with a Golden Globe or something. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what they're going to expect of me, but I know I'm not going to be able to meet their expectations. Sometimes I wish I had more reasonable career goals.

Insert Title Here

So I did some yardwork today, which I enjoy doing. The problem is that when I do stuff like that without listening to music I tend to think a lot, which isn't always good. I started remembering some of the things my mom has said to me in the past about the way I am. I'm not going to repeat it because it's already been said here and I don't really want to repeat it.

Jason comes home tomorrow and I know my mom is going to start shit over it. At this point I'm actually terrified to tell her because I don't want her to ruin Jason's return. But at the same time, I can't just not tell her because he's going to come over either tomorrow or the day after and then she'll be pissed off that I didn't tell her he was coming home soon. I don't want her to make me feel guilty for Jason coming over to be with me, but it's really inevitable. Even if she doesn't say anything, she'll still give us dirty looks and listen at the door all night.

[ADDITION: I told her and she ruined it. She asked the nature of our relationship and I felt compelled to lie. After I told her we are just friends, she said she was proud of me. I almost cried right there, and I did after I left. Now I'm ashamed for having to hide something that's not even wrong. I feel like I have to hide Jason because some stupid pricks think it's not right. I promised him a half hour hug, and I have to take it back because I'm too much of a pansy to admit my love for him. Thank you, you fucking ignorant bitch!]

I guess I just need to try harder to get out of here. Jason and I are going to visit his friend Sarah, and I know the topic of moving in with her is going to come back up now that she supposedly broke it off with her 35 year old, broke ass boyfriend. But even if she did reinstate the offer, I can't go there just to be thrown out when some other boyfriend comes along. But that's assuming she even offers again, which she's not likely too.

My friend Steph is also looking into buying a house down toward the Macomb area. Even if she doesn't end up getting the house she set her sights on, I'm sure she'll be happy with it. She invited me to move with her because she knows I really need to get out of here and we get along really well. The problem is that I don't have a job and until I find one (which shouldn't take that long in such a populated area) I'd feel horrible because I'd be mooching. And what if it did take a long time to find a job? I'd feel so out of place that I wouldn't know what to do. She also invited Jason to come and share a room with me, which was awesome, but her other friend Danielle is kind of a blabblermouth and I don't really want everyone to know just yet. But if I was living that far away from my parents and other family, it would matter a lot less.

On a high note, yesterday was Jason's last day working with the Criminal Intent crew and things are looking good. John Roman, the head honcho (or something) told Jason to send him any scripts he's working on and to keep in touch. The head of every department he worked in loved him, which I knew they would, and one of them even told Jason they'd hire him back in a heart beat if he's ever back in New York. This is all great! But I still have the feeling that if I do go into filmmaking, my career will be based off of Jason's success and I don't want that. But that's something I just have to get past.

Back to Edgy

So after 12+ hours (I went to bed after I called Jason, so I can't give an accurate time) Fiesty was finally ready to run on my computer. So I rebooted and not surprisingly, my wifi didn't work. I looked around on some forums to see if there was a fix, and I learned that the driver was added to the blacklist because it can cause problems with the chipset, especially if people have it built into their laptop and can't disable it. After removing it from my blacklist, the card behaved the same way it did in Dapper (i.e. it showed up in the network connections, but didn't actually work).

I'm really glad I made a ghost image of my root hard drive because it only too 12 minutes to return to Edgy. I just didn't feel like messing around with it. So everything is back to the way it was yesterday, but I had a tough time getting GAIM to work right again. I guess my settings were kept on the root partition instead of with the rest of my data and settings because I had to reset all my options and reenter the information for my AIM account (but my MSN and Yahoo! accounts still worked just fine). But reconfiguring an app here and there is a Hell of a lot better than reinstalling Ubuntu or living without Internet access.

There are a few problems that I still need to fix in Edgy. Like I said, I broke my camrea driver. There's probably a simple solution that I'm just overlooking. I've been having problems with stability in WINE, but I recently upgraded to a new version and haven't tested it, so that might be okay. The directional buttons on my AxisPad controller don't work, but the Analog sticks work well, so I'm not even going to bother with that. And, of course, there's the bug that forces me to restart the ACPI daemon every time I reboot my computer.

I need to get on those because I want Jason to accept Ubuntu as a valid operating system. I'm not going to make him use it or anything, but he uses my computer a lot when he comes over because we're both into computers. I guess I'm kind of worried he's going to criticize everything that doesn't work the same way it does in Windows, and especially the things that don't work at all. He's like that some times.

I can't say that I really liked Fiesty overall. There is an application that allows you to install restricted (proprietary) drivers, but it didn't think my ATI Mobility Radeon needed one, so that didn't really work. It replaced all of my icons with really ugly ones and removed a lot of "obsolete" software that I needed. There were some new things in the administration panel, but I couldn't really be bothered playing around with them. Fiesty also ran noticeably slower than Edgy even though many people have been reporting it to be faster.

There's another something being released tomorrow. Ubuntu Studio looks pretty interesting. I can't get Cinerellla to work with Ubuntu and Kino only works with DV files. I'm not sure about the details of Ubuntu Studio, but I think I'll download it tomorrow....or in a few weeks.

The Really, Really Long Haul

I swear, if I didn't have any other reasons to stay up tonight, I would have gone to bed hours ago. But I did get a chance to catch up on some blogs and youtube. And at least I'm not sick tonight. That's always a plus.

P.S. Thanks, Julie for showing interest. :)

Upgrading Part 2: The Long Haul

I spent the last 4 hours using partimage to back up my partitions, and as you can see, I'm not even close to being done. I probably should have waited a few days or something because their servers are getting completely hammered right now. But I really do want to see what's new. I've seen the topic discussed on some forums, but no one has actually completed the download yet.

Oh, and the remaining time keeps fluctuating between 7 hours and 4 days with a minimum downspeed of 268 bps. Yes, bits per second. BITS! AOL wasn't even this slow! But it does give me ample time to surf the Internet before Jason gets home.

P.S. If this breaks my wifi capability heads are gonna roll!

Upgrading Edgy

Feisty Fawn (the newest version of Ubuntu) came out today! I'm going to back up my data and upgrade right now! I'm kind of weary about the upgrade breaking my wifi support, but that's the point of the backup. I can't wait to see what works better (or worse) and maybe I'll finally be able to upgrade my BOINC client, allowing me to use CPU throttling so it doesn't steal all my clock cycles anymore.

I broke some packages the other day by editing my sources list, allowing me to download cutting edge versions of some of my software. I realized I killed the I/O library that lets my camera work with the photo import tool. Hopefully the upgrade will fix it, but I can always figure out how to fix it later.

*excitement*

One Year

It's been one year since I started blogging. I don't remember why I started or where I wanted to go with it, but there's one thing I know. It's really helped me be honest with people, and really myself. It helps me open up, express myself, and really understand what I'm feeling. It's been a really great experience for me.

It took a lot for me to start this. I debated for almost a week whether I really wanted to start this blog. I even went to Jason, maybe hoping he would tell me it's a bad idea. I took another 3 days trying to find the perfect name, probably hoping I'd get bored and give up. But I eventually mad my first post. It was, of course, about childish name calling - a recurring theme.

I have a hard time being completely honest with people, sometimes even Jason. It's really crippling because it keeps me from doing normal things like hanging out with my friends. I know I've been blaming on depression, but I really think it's the cause of my depression. I really want to start vlogging on youtube and hang out with my friends more, but I have a hard enough being honest here, in my words and occasional photograph. But I'm going to try really hard because if I can do it here, I'm sure I can do it in person.

One Week

Jason gets home in exactly one week. I'm really excited about seeing him again. It's been such a long time since I got to sit down with him and look into his beautiful eyes. It's been so long since I got to give him a great big hug and a well-deserved backrub. I really can't wait to be back in his warm, loving arms again. It's been far too long and I'm looking forward to it so much.

At the same time, I'm slightly worried. Jason has progressed so much as a person since he left,living on his own and learning so much about his career and life. I'm the same unmotivated, inexperienced child. Jason has some really great things going for him, and I'm just kind of here. It's hard to explain and I know I'm doing it wrong, but I don't want to completely ignore it. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life mooching off Jason. And even if I'm not, I'll probably feel like I am.

Stephanie should be getting here today. I think. If not today, then sometime soon. I'm excited about that too because I always have a great time hanging out with her and she's one of the 3 people I ever actually hang out with. That should be fun, but I'm shy and I don't say a lot. Her family probably thinks I'm just weird or hate them or something. But I can't help being shy.

Major Life Decision

My 6 year old Compaq iPaq died today. I got it for Christmas in 2001 and since then I've run over it with a car (no joke this time), slammed it in my locker door, dropped it numerous times, thrown it around, scratched it with the stuff in my pocket, and lost it at least a dozen times. None of those things are the cause of the problem though. I think a contact pin got worn out because it stopped reading the memory card properly. I tested multiple cards and checked to make sure they were formatted properly, so I'm sure it's the player.

Now I'm in the market for a new one in the $50-$150 range. I've been thinking about buying a refurbished iPod Nano ($119), which is a bitch to get working right with Linux but is a solid piece or hardware. My main problem with that is that I always criticized the iPod for being too trendy, but I wouldn't be buying it because it's the popular thing to do. I'd buy it because I really need a new player. It's only 2GB (an odd statement, seeing as my iPaq was only 96MB) but I couldn't justify paying $160 for the 4GB model because it just seems like a lot of money. But then again, who can complain about a 24 hour battery life?

I've also been looking at the Rio Karma ($139), which ended production a few years ago, but is still available on eBay. The main point here is that it works as a removable hard drive out of the box, meaning it's Linux friendly. It's a lot less sleek than the iPod and weighs quite a bit more, but it's got a 20GB hard drive which is more than enough for what I want to do with it. The screen is kind of dull compared to the other players, but I guess I could live with that. The Karma is at the upper end of what I want to pay though.

The Sandisk Sansa c250 ($99) is more like the iPaq, but with a nicer screen and a 2GB upgradeable capacity. It won't play Ogg Vorbis files, but neither will the iPod and neither did my iPaq. It's not that important, because I can just change the URL to all my Ogg podcasts to the MP3 version.

The iRiver T30 ($40) was suggested to me, and it's at a great price. It plays nice with Linux and supposedly has decent sound. The interface is reportedly clunky and the screen looks kind of bleh. It's only a gig and I kind of wanted 2, but This is a nice unit (at a great price) if I decide I can't afford one of the other players. Or maybe I will get it. 1GB is enough for like 12 hours of audio, 24 if it's all podcasts because they're encoded at 64k.

I was also considering the Creative Zen V Plus, but ruled it out because it's just ugly. And it looked very ergonomically incorrect. That would be bad for my carpal tunnel.

So I'm in a bit of a crisis here. I'm probably going to have whatever unit I buy for another 5 or 6 years, so I want to make sure I make the right decision. I also can't live without an MP3 player because I like to have something to listen to while I walk, and I enjoy a great number of podcasts, so I might as well partake in both activities simultaneously. Any suggestions or recommendations?



EDIT: Forget everything I said about the iPod being a bitch to get working. It turns out that the media player I use in Ubuntu has solid, built in iPod support. This not only means that it'll be a piece of cake to get it working, but also I'll be able to copy music directly from my library instead of hunting around my hard drive for it. That's a big plus!

How I Ruined Easter

I don't have any money because I don't have a job. I can 't buy people Easter gifts because I don't have any money because I don't have a job. My mom bought something for me to give to her because I can't buy anything because I don't have any money because I don't have a job. But tonight, she took it back to give to someone else. Anyone else would just say "Okay, now I just can't give you anything for Easter." But not me.

My mom turns all these crappy religious holidays into greed infested balls of horror. She's been walking around the house saying "I sure hope somebody buys me something for Easter," which I assumed was directed at my aunt because when she says things like "Not eating the last donut is bullshit," which is directed at my aunt. The whole time, she could have told me to buy her something or at least told me she was going to take that stupid gift back. Now it's 10PM the day before Easter and I need to buy a nice gift with $10 before tomorrow at noon.

If I don't buy her something she'll be mad for at least a month. Probably more. She'll accuse me of ruining Easter just like every other holiday. I really hope she didn't buy me anything because then I'll really hear about it. Isn't Easter about Jesus or something? How is it suddenly about presents? My dad bought her a VCR/DVD player for her TV in the kitchen (which is WAY better than the one I bought them) and I know she's expecting something nice from me.

I never should have bought her all that stuff I did for Christmas. I should have spent about $50 total (except maybe on Jason) and put all the rest toward my student loan. Then I would have the money to pay for my mistakes and I wouldn't have set such high standards. So i guess, in a way, it is my fault for ruining Easter. Again.

Help From Nidhi

I contacted youtube's tech support again today and not only was it not helpful, but they actually repeated what I said! The solution on the FAQ to my problem was to reinstall Windows, and I did (just kidding, I needed to clear my cache and cookies). So I did that and now I need to revisit all my frequented sites to resave my passwords and cache template images, and it didn't even fix my problem! So I sent youtube another support request in the hopes that there would be a better solution.

But at least I'm confident I talked to a real person. Last time they simply directed me to the FAQ and that was that. Today I got a more human response from a guy (or lady maybe) named Nadhi. He basically said that it could have been caused by two things:

1. The owner of the video deleting or declining my comments.

I'm sure this isn't the problem because I didn't say anything offensive or even disagree with anyone! Why would they delete my comment, but not all the ones that say "OMFG!!!Go die Fag!!!!!!" (Yes, I watch a lot of gay youtubers)

2. "Our engineers looked into these issues and determined that our spam filter
was somewhat overactive in some instances."

What the fuck!? "Don't read this or you'll have bad sex for 20 years," "Repost this or Mary Anne's ghost will come rape you tonight," and "Come buy my Viagra bitches!" all get through, but "Don't give up! You can do it!" gets flagged as spam!?!?!? I hope someone gets fired over that!

So basically, I still don't know why I can't comment on videos, but I guess I can live with it. I was going to vlog about it, but I haven't really felt like it recently.

I haven't really felt like doing much of anything recently and I don't know why. I've been kind of depressed and people always assume it's for some childish reason (such as losing at Scrabble), and I can't really debate it because I don't actually know why I'm not happy right now. But I don't really want to get into that now.

And sorry if I offended anyone with my April Fool's joke. I really thought it would be a lot funnier. Only a few people seemed to care and everyone else just ignored it, which kind of bummed me out. But the phone call I received the next day totally made up for it.

Also (I've been meaning to ask for a while), do you guys think I should post photos and other media more frequently?

Yet Another Driving Disaster

I know I complain a lot that I don't like driving and that I feel uncomfortablle behind the wheel of a car, but today I did something horrible. I went out driving like any other day and it went great. I did all the turns fine, I didn't speed, and I didn't hit anyone. ANYONE. But that's not to say that I didn't hit anything...



I was pulling into our driveway, which is fairly long so I take it at some speed. Not 40 or anything, just not 5. I normally don't have a problem with it because it's just a simple straight shot. But today something terrible happened. A little black cat ran out in front of the car and I didn't know what to do. I swerved away from it, and unfortunately toward the house. I hit the house and left a hole. A hole!

Oh God, I feel like such an ass. I don't know what to do. My mom is convinced that it's the landlord's responsibility to fix, but it's really not. I'm the one who made the whole, and I'm the one who needs to fix it. It's times like these that I kind of wish I was dead. My mom keeps screaming it me and acting like I did it on purpose, which I didn't!

But hey, the cat is okay, and I have my health. And as you can see, the car is just fine.



APRIL FOOLS! There's not really a hole in my wall and that photo is from flickr.

Three Hours of Windows

Today I installed Windows 2000 on my old 333 to use as a tool to learn about computer security. Things went less than well, as you might be able to imagine. Well, the installation was fine, but getting the system up and running was kind of a drag.

The first thing I did was use my laptop to download the driver for my Linksys wifi card because I knew I'd need it. I copied it to my flash drive and thought that would be that. But of course, Windows 2000 can't open a zip file without an external application. So I put my flash drive back in my laptop, and extracted it. Another thing I immediately noticed was that my Logitech wireless mouse wouldn't work, so I downloaded that while I was at it.

I tried to install the mouse driver, but it required my computer to run Service Pack 4. No problem because I had the wifi driver right there and I attempted to install it. The problem is that it's a poorly written application which needs the mouse because it refuses to respond to keyboard commands. So I stole an old ball mouse from another computer and plugged it in. Of course I needed to reboot to make Windows see it.

Now that I had a working mouse I tried the wifi driver again. This time it complained about running in 16 bit color mode. I looked in the video options and discovered that I needed to install the Geforce driver before I could accomplish anything there (which I knew, but had forgotten). I switched the thumb drive between computers again and downloaded the driver for my Nvidia card. That actually installed alright, but once again, I needed to reboot.

I switched the color depth and installed the wifi driver. After yet another reboot I found that the driver was properly installed and the app was running, but it wouldn't detect my wifi card. I rebooted once more, just to be safe. It was then that I remembered how finicky Windows is about installing a device before it's driver so I uninstalled the linksys card in the Device Manager, rebooted, rebooted again because Windows insisted, and finally got the wifi card running. But of course, it didn't connect to my router. It connected to some random 2wire router that I didn't know existed. A router with a signal of -6% while my router had a signal of 100% and I explicitly told the wifi app to connect to my router.

After sorting that out, Windows refused to recognize that I had an Internet connection. Another reboot fixed that up. I moved on to update.microsoft.com, where I got angrily redirected to a page for Service packs because the Windows Updater can't handle that sort of thing. So I downloaded the 129MB Network installer and went through the lengthy upgrade process. Reboot.

Upon trying to install the mouse driver the second time it insisted that I need Internet Explorer 5.5 or higher. So back to Windows update to find a link that goes to the IE 7 home page. Not quite what I wanted so I had to google it.It installed quickly, but required another reboot and took a while to "configure my control panel" on restating Windows. I went back to Windows Update, but it got stuck on "Searching for Updates" for almost an hour, so I gave up and went back to installing my mouse.

This time it worked, but took about 20 minutes. I rebooted one last time, switched mice and finally after 3 hours (not including Windows Update time), 5 software installations, and 8 reboots, I have a working mouse. Thank God Microsoft makes this so easy.

Aspiration for Normality

I try so hard to be happy. That's all I want is to be a happy, normal (in the sense that I don't hate myself) person and do normal people things. But I can't because I believe I can't. Sometimes when I wake up I have to convince myself that I deserve to be here before I can get out of bed. Then all day I try to be happy. I try to enjoy things that other people enjoy, but by midnight I'm so burned out that I feel worse than I did when I woke up. And I don't know why.

I don't know why I feel this way today. No one did anything to me. Nothing bad happened. I had a pretty good day. But I still feel horrible. I applied at CVS again (getting a job - something all my normal friends have done) because it was raining and I could do it over the Internet. I even drove today (another one of the normal things I want to do) and had a good experience. I tried writing and got some pretty good ideas written down, and am thinking of filming something when Steph and Jason come home. All in all I had a great day.

Can trying so hard to be happy really be counterproductive? I do feel like more of a failure when I can't even succeed at smiling once in a while. I don't know what's wrong with me and if there's even any reason to feel this way. I don't even know if I feel this way of if it's some kind of delusion or something I use as an excuse not to do those normal things. I really don't know anything anymore.

What is Tourette Syndrome?

I was surfing youtube today and I came across an interesting person. Her name is Jamie-Grace and she started a site, teensWts, which is for teens living with Tourette Syndrome. She's been posting videos on youtube, has some great information on her site and myspace profile, and even runs a (small, but growing) forum where people with Tourette Syndrome can get advice and support.

I think it's really great that she started this for a few reasons. The first being that it's great for awareness. I was just browsing through the blog section of youtube when I stumbled upon her video, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. That's good because I learned some things today that I didn't know I wanted to know. It's also great to have a place where you can go talk about something with people who know what you're going through and dealing with. It really helps you stay positive. That's what I like about the forum.

I'm going to keep up with the site and hope it becomes a huge success because Jamie-Grace is doing a great thing here.


The audio doesn't stay synced, but this is a good and informative video. Plus, it's less than 3 minutes. There are some more here if you're interested.

Morality for the Modern 'Christian'

I'd like to take this time to give you a little insight into my mom's morality. She's not really bothering me right now...but that could be caused by her absence. I have no idea why she feels like this but I know it has nothing to do with religion. Thank you in advance for your time.

Wrong:

Loving someone of the same sex instead of fucking someone of the opposite sex.

Saying the word 'cancer' while praying.

Not saying 'dear heavenly father' and 'in Jesus name we pray' while saying grace.

Talking to people through an instant messaging application.

Having any belief not identical to hers.

Posting photographs (of any kind) on the Internet.

Taking part in logical discussions.

Having any kind of morals or values.

Being depressed due to any reason.

Taking photographs of yourself that aren't classified as 'classic portraits.'

Knowing someone who is gay or bisexual.

Listening to modern rock.



Right:

Discrimination against all minorities.

Hatred of all minorities.

Blaming everyone in sight for your shortcomings.

Forcing a smile.

Having as many children as possible, despite all other factors.

Consuming alcoholic beverages to fit in.

My First Time Driving in a Year

And I screw up a Geo Metro.



It was my cousin's car she bought for $300 and I was driving down a dirt road as a shortcut. Then I hit this tiny little pot hole (I managed to avoid all the dangerous looking ones) and noticed something was seriously wrong. The steering was all fucked up, the tires were making all sorts of interesting noises, and the brakes were acting kind of weak.

I eventually ended up pulling into my uncles driveway to see if he could do anything about it. It turns out that the frame snapped. There's a support bar that runs under the bar that connects the front tires to the steering mechanism and it just kind of broke. It was still connected to the back end of the chassis, but it wasn't enough to support that's not enough to safely support the car. So yeah, that was kind of my day.

The last few days I've been depressed again, but I don't really know why. I still don't and am only mentioning this in passing. I feel better now and hope to get some work done....right after I play SimCity for a few hours.

35 Days and Counting

This is my teddy bear. He is, by far, the sweetest guy I've ever met and he means so, so much to me. He's always there to lift me up when I'm down, encourage me when I least expect it, and make me feel like my life means something. Even though we're 500 miles apart, my love for him grows greater every day and he's all I can think about.

I don't care what people say or think. I love Jason and I don't have to prove it to anyone. If people disapprove or condemn us, that's just fine because I know what we have is real. I would walk to the end of the universe for Jason and I know he would do the same for me. That's all that really matters.

There's a Title for this Post, But if I Told You I'd Have to Kill You

Instead of complaining the trapped feeling I occasionally get or the way my mom makes me feel like nothing I do is important, I'm going to complain about the landlord. Sometime early Friday morning our boiler stopped ran dry and stopped circulating heat through the house. I personally didn't notice because the furnace itself worked, so my room was as warm as ever. So we had a guy look at it yesterday.

When we talked to the landlord he insisted on sending in his own guy to 'fix' the already ghetto rigged well beyond anything I've ever seen. So the guy charged us $90, which the landlord waived responsibility of because he's a douche bag and we're waiting for his guy to come in, which is supposed to happen sometime on Monday. Monday. It's 35 degrees in my house and we have elderly people and an exotic bird, but heat can wait for four days. I mean, it's not like we pay our rent or anything. *sarcasm*

So Lara (the bird) is holed up in my room with a space heater and I'm stuck in the living room and kitchen because it's way too hot and crowded in there. Last night I got up to get a drink of water and it took me almost ten minutes to clear a path to the door with all the shit I had to clear off my bed. Then I had a Hell of a time getting back to sleep for the hour before Lara woke me up with her annoying squawking. That's 2 nights in a row I didn't get enough sleep, so I'm pretty grumpy. And FREEZING.

I guess that's what we get for being poor. I guess it could be worse though.

It's Summer...Almost

You know what makes me happy on a day that I don't get to see Jason? Spending almost five hours outside on a 74 degree day. Then coming back here (even though it still isn't home), taking a shower, and relaxing in my room knowing that I actually did something today. I even went out and got a nice brush cut today, which pisses my mom off, but it's my hair. The only thing that could have made toady any better is if I could have gone to the park with Jason, held his hand, and kissed his cheek. But there's an entire summer ahead for us and I can't wait for him to come back.

What is Home?

When I returned from a long walk today, I got to thinking. This place I'm currently living really doesn't feel like I've always imagined 'home' would. This may be a pipe dream, but I always thought home would be somewhere you'd want to go after a long day of putting up with people's shit. Somewhere you can be yourself and let your imagination run free. Somewhere you let your guard down and relax. Somewhere you feel safe and comfortable.

Instead, when I walk in the door I get a feeling of fear and something I can't entirely identify. I immediately worry about if I'm going to get insulted for being gay, not having a job, or both. I lock myself in my room to try and find some comfort, but am greeted with the realization that I'm out of place. I probably belong here as much as I do at Sarah or Mike's apartment.

I'm not whining or looking for pity. I want to know what home is really like. What does home mean to you? Tell me if my views on what home should be are close or if this is as good as it gets. Leave a comment of IM me.

AIM: filmmakerrich
MSN: bigricch@hotmail.com

Just a Quick Something

Oh Firefox,
How I find your tabbed browsing convienent,
And you keep my Windows machines safe
With your breath taking security.
Your inline spellcheck is a life saver,
And Session Restore is a really great feature.
Themes, Extensions and search plugins
Are all teriffic too.
Your true open source nature,
And frequent update cycle make
You a great piece of software.
But why do you crash so fucking much?!



I also posted this on my myspace blog. I would have liked it to be a little longer, but I couldn't think of any more good features off the top of my head. I really want to switch to Flock, but I'm addicted to Firefox's inline spellcheck.

The Source?

I think I've figured out where the source pf my writer's block is coming from. I always to tend to write only about things I'm passionate about. I also tend not to write a lot of screenplays that I can't produce with my current resources. Those two concepts aren't necessarily related, but in this case they seem to be mutually exclusive.

There's one thing in my life that I'm passionate about more than anything else. That something is Jason. He's the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I never knew I could miss someone so much until Jason went to New York. I really didn't realize how deep my feelings were because right now I'd give anything just to spend one night in his arms. I miss the way he smells and the grin he gets on his face when I whisper sweet nothings into his ear. I miss the way he makes me feel when he looks into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me. But most of all, I miss being able to hold him after he's had a rough day.

Jason is literally on my mind all day and it's hard to be passionate about anything else when I miss him so. So I should just write about my feelings for Jason, right? It can't be that hard since I just did it. But I can't. This blog is my only venue for this particular subject. It's hard to write and display a love poem on my myspace without telling people who it's about or giving away any revealing details. I want to be able to say "I love the way your goatee is reflected in the moonlight" and "I love the way you hold me in your big strong arms," but that would arouse some suspicion.

I can't really make a screenplay about the love Jason and I share either, because I'm still terrified of anyone finding about that I'm gay. I don't know why and it keeps me from doing something as simple as hanging out with my friends, let alone making a film with them. I'd really like to make a screenplay with Jason and I as main characters, but I don't have the resources to film it right now. All of my friends who I'm out to and would feel comfortable making this film live out of state (or way the Hell upstate).

You have no idea how frustrating it is to not be able to convey something as big as the way I feel about Jason. I want to tell people that I'm madly in love with the most wonderful man who ever lived, but I can't. I wish I could just be myself and openly love who I want, but I can't and it's not fair. I don't know why I still complain about it, because there's nothing anyone can do. Maybe in fifty or sixty years I'll be able to live a normal life like everyone else. When did this turn into a 'poor me' post?

Back to the problem! I need to learn how to channel my passion about Jason into writing about some other subject. The only problem is that I don't know how. Any ideas?

Opening Up

Video pretty much says it all. Have a good evening everyone.

Incoherence

I haven't really been posting anything recently because I'm still feeling kind of lousy. I don't really want to talk about that today thought because I've been doing enough thinking about it and I'm drained.

I watched some TechCentric today. If anyone is interested in doing some cool stuff with computers, you should watch an episode or two. It's pretty cool, but a lot of the stuff is kind or menial (for me because I'm a geek and know how stuff works behind the pretty interface), but they do have some cool content on their show. They had an interesting segment about logging into Windows (or any other OS) with a credit card which could have been summed up in about 30 seconds, but they do make it interesting.

I also caught up on some podcasts. I figured out how to use Amarok to automatically show me when new episodes are avaliable (I could have it download them, but I don't have all that much disk space on this machine and I don't want to clog waste it on content I could just as easily stream). RSS is a pretty cool concept, even though it seems excessively simple. I've been finding a lot of really nice fonts that I'd like to use in future posters and the such. I really want to get back into graphic design (and remake my RIAA poster), but I get distracted by all the negativity I'm surrounded by.

I've been listening to a lot of Richard Cheese. If you want to listen to something new you should check him out. He's a cover lounge singer who has some remakes of really great songs. There's a fantastic big band version of Enter Sandman by Metallica and a lot of other really great songs. There is more music available on his myspace profiles.

I moved my bed to another wall today mostly so I could get to my closet without moving that stupid organ, but also to give myself kind of a new perspective. Every day for the last week I've been slouched in the same spot on my bed and I'm sick of it. I do feel better now, probably because of the exercise but maybe partially due to new arrangement. It's less cramped in here and I finally have some space to move around in.

I'm still trying to find a job, and this small town still really sucks. But I'm putting more applications in tomorrow, and hopefully I'll find something. I don't even care where at this point, as long as it gets me out of this house and away from this house.

I want to get healthy too. I've been drinking a lot less caffeine (I don't even remember the last time I had any coffee) and I'm thinking about starting to life weights again. The only problem is that I'm kind of lazy and never stick to a routine once I set it. I really would like to look good though. I've always wanted to be one of those guys with nice muscle tone and a cute face. I know Jason likes the way I look, but I really don't.

Oh, and I'm really sick of how everyone hates everyone else. I've been trying to write something about it for my myspace blog (because a lot more people see it than this one), but it just hasn't been coming out right. I don't want to offend anyone and I know no matter what I say I'll offend someone. Not that I really mind offending people, but there's a limit on what I'm willing to say to people.

But that's enough about me. Tell me how you guys are. Seriously. Leave a comment and let me know.

The Past Few Days

I've been feeling pretty bad lately and despite numerous cries for help ("I need a hug" in big friendly letters on my myspace page, a bulletin on myspace saying I have everyone, a giant picture of me pointing tinted slightly blue. etc.), no one really seems to notice. A few people asked me if I was okay, but that it. And Jade just hugged me which was really nice, but I've just been feeling really alone lately. I really don't have anyone I can count on. I know I can count on Jason, but there's nothing he can do about my situation.

The day I posted that picture my mom and I had another fight. Obviously my attitude sucks or something (because I told her she has to speak English rather than Gibberish if she wants me to help her) and threatened to kick me out. For the third day in a row. It's no surprise though, I know I'm not wanted in this house. I feel it every day. Yet, she finds it necessary to constantly remind me. And I'm getting sick of it.

So I called Sarah, the girl who offered to let me live with her all those weeks ago. She never called me back, but Jason ended up talking to her and seeing what's going on. After promising many times to let me live with her, her 35 year old, married boyfriend didn't react too well to the idea. If she talked to him before she made all these offers and promises I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Moving in with her was really a last resort. I didn't want to go, and I still don't, but I have to do something. And now there are no options left.

That really hurts, knowing you're not wanted anywhere and you have no one to turn to. For the first time in my life I'm ready to leave this horrid place and no one wants me. These two months I've been worrying about whether it was a mistake to stay here, and now it doesn't matter anyway. Even if I agreed to move in with Sarah, I couldn't have. And now I'm stuck somewhere I'm extremely unwanted. And I can't do anything about it because I can't find a job because I live in a shithole of a town.

I've been depressed since then. I really hate myself. I've lost motivation to do pretty much anything and I'm in the hole I was in a year ago. I really want to feel better, but I can't because every day I'm reminded of how unloved I am. And that makes it hard to love myself.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and worn out. There's so much I want to say, but don't know how to. That's probably the most frustrating thing of all.

Blue

I don't feel like talking today. So I'm not going to. I just wanted to let everyone know how I feel.

Alone in my Room with a Sweatshirt

I don't suppose I had a horrible birthday this year. My mom gave me a Jesus money clip and a game the I wanted. She also bought some dishes that we are eating off from now on and claimed that they're somehow mine. My dad gave me the copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I had watched the night before. My aunt gave me a box of junk food that I'm too depressed to eat. We had Jet's Pizza. My mom took me to the bank to open a savings account using money that I now can't pay bills with. She then drug me to Kimball Township and attempted to make me drive home illegally, getting mad and throwing a tantrum when I wouldn't. The only memorable thing about this birthday is the feeling that Jason's gift gave me, and that's starting to get drown out by anger.

I'm angry at myself for letting my mom treat me the way she does. There's no need for it. For some reason I keep remembering the day she stormed in here and yelled at me for being gay. That was the same day she told me she's my only ally. It made me feel so bad, but I didn't say anything to her. I didn't tell her to shut up, I didn't ask her to be accountable for her actions, and I definitely didn't set her straight. Of course, it came back to the most distorted and misquoted book ever written.

But still, people tell me I should believe in god. The same god that made me the way I am, and made a million people who's only purpose is to condemn me in his name. The same god that made this lousy planet with this lousy race of people. The same god who could make the universe in 8 days, but couldn't make a simple book, leaving that up to stupid people who probably made half of the shit up anyway. A book where we can completely ignore some lines, calling them obsolete, while maintaining that the following line is still a sin, regardless of it appearing anywhere else in that stupid book. Yeah, I'll believe in that.

I didn't get to spend Valentine's with Jason, and I didn't even get to call him because my cousin was here (yet another thing I took shit for). I knew it would be a long four months while Jason is in New York, but I wasn't prepared for this. Today I realized how much I need Jason. I need him to be here to hold me and tell me everything is alright (although he does a pretty good job over the phone). After my mom pulled her usual shit today, I curled up on my bed with the sweatshirt he left for me. It doesn't really smell like him anymore because I used to sleep with it, but it's still comforting.

When Jason gets home, he's going to get more hugs and kisses from me than he'll know what to do with.

EDIT: The stupid bitch just barged into my room and got mad because I don't want her to talk to me. She completely denies what she did to me in the car and claims that I was mad because I didn't want to go fix Donna's computer. (I don't think I explained what happened today. Damn) Nevermind.

Yay, Life

Continuing the tradition of posting only when I'm in a bad mood, I figured now would be a good time. As many of you know (if anyone reads this lousy old thing anymore) tomorrow is my birthday. You may also know that I hate my birthday, as well as most (if not all) holidays. Here's a little glimpse into why:

2001: I told my parents I wanted a punching bag for Christmas. They insisted I needed to pick it up with them and then preceded to drive around yelling at each other because they couldn't find the store. All the while I'm in the back almost in tears saying "Let's go home." When we finally do find a sports store my mom insists that I'm too young to use a punching bag, but purchases it anyway. When we get home my dad is mad because he has to hang it. For many weeks my mom would get angry when I use it, saying it makes the whole house shake and keeps complaining until I stop using it for it's intended purpose and convert it into a seat.

Today: My mom and I get into an argument about how bad of a person I am and she threatens again to kick me out. I tell her I have places I can go, and she gets angry. She then tells me that she's been out in the kitchen working hard on my present (a set of dishes for when I move out - we already ate off them), like it's such a huge inconvenience to wash some fucking dishes. I told her I don't want to celebrate my birthday and she gets more offended than anything and goes in the other room and cried. That made me feel like the bad guy even though she's the one who came into my room and started arguing with me (She was mad because I told Steve to get his fat ass out of my way).

I pretty much hate myself right now. I was feeling pretty low the other day, and Jason swooped in to make it all better, but now I feel even worse than I did that day. The number 1 reason I hate myself: [this space intentionally left blank, but we all know what it is]. Thanks mom. :)

The Art of Gift Giving

I feel a lot better that I have been. I got Jason's birthday gift yesterday and he told me I could open it. I knew he got it at Barnes and Noble, but I really had no idea what it was. I thought it would probably be that book I saw about Ubuntu or a podcasting book. Maybe even a tie in of some sort to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or something like that. But the box was filled with something much better.

There were two books. The first one was The Portable Film School, a book designed to teach you what you need to know about filmmaking when film school isn't an option. That really meant a lot to me because I told Jason how much that previous fiasco with the local filmmakers (the one where I felt really out of place because of lack of experience) bothered me. The second book was what really hit me. I've been seriously thinking about possibility of becoming a game designer for a while, but I don't really talk about it a lot because I don't like people getting all excited about stuff that I may never do. I may have told Jason about it once or twice, but I didn't think he'd remember. The second book was The Art of Game Production.

When I saw those two books, for the first time in what seems like forever, I felt like someone actually believes in me. Jason encourages me all the time, but I kind of feel like he says it because it's his job to. But this gift filled me with such a sense of encouragement that I cried. I admit it. I feel really good about myself now.

And now my parents are fighting. Not about going ALL THE WAY to Port Huron to get me some lousy birthday gift that I probably won't even like, but about cooking two fucking hot dogs for me to eat, which I ate half raw, but the way.

A Lousy End to a Great Week

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been feeling good (beccause my mom was out of state), but those days are over. My mom's friend is stalking me online again. It's really annoying because she'll send me a message on myspace, making it an emergency, telling me to log onto Yahoo Messenger, and then she'll ask me all sorts of intrusive questions, including (but not limited to): why don't i have a girlfriend/car/job, don't I like money, don't I like girls, and why don't I date her daughter, who is 17. I don't know if it's just me, but I get really irritated when she does it at 11 PM and I can't sleep thereafter. I'll log off and she'll leave comments on my myspace asking why I don't want to talk to her.

If I had a way to communicate with all my friends I'd just delete my myspace and ignore my Yahoo Messenger, not that I use it much anyway. I know she looks at my myspace, so I can't post sappy love poems about Jason and really any information about myself. I feel like my privacy is being violently invaded, even though I'm posting in an inherently public place. Which brings me to my question: Where exactly do we draw the line between normal online interaction, and stalking?

When Steph started talking to me she asked me some (moderately less) intrusive questions about about the person I was currently dating to force me to admit I'm gay. That was fine, even though I don't think we'd had many actual conversations before that. This woman is doing the same thing now, but it's greatly unwanted. If she wasn't my mom's friend I would just block her, but I don't want it to get back to my mom because she complains that I'm unfriendly as it is, and she'll probably agree that I should date the 17 year old daughter (because I'm apparently not gay, sorry Jason).

It's just a big mess and I'm starting to realize the effect of having an Internet presence, both good and bad. It's not that I really value privacy that much. I've never really had it before and I don't expect to much in the future. You can ask me any question about myself (give it a shot) and I'll answer it. But I can't seem to get around the fact that there are certain things in my life that my mom's friends and family wouldn't approve of, not that I give a good God damn what they think, but I know my mom does. And even then, my mom disapproves of every single activity I have ever participated in, namely: filmmaking, writing, and producing Rich Magazine.

That's my little dilemma for the week. Other than that, I've been learning some CSS, thinking of a million ideas for youtube and Rich Magazine, thnking of ideas for that film I want to make, and doing some handy work (I'll post about that when it's all done). Oh, and I'm finally in the process of installing Linux on the 166 to make a nice little server. While my mom was gone I cleaned the house (especially the computer room, which was a complete disaster) really well, but there was something missing....Jason.

A Technical One

Yesterday Jason was flustered because his computer stopped functioning properly and he nearly lost all his data. He recently got a new MP3 player which came preinstalled with a nice set of malware. That in itself was no problem, as it was easy to remove with a few simple registry edits. Jason backed up the registry and tried every available recovery method to return the computer to a functioning state after the registry edit did it's damage. Still, none of them worked and it almost resulted in the loss of valuable data. This should teach us a few lessons:

1. Backup your data. A lot. CD's and DVD's can be useful if you don't have a whole lot of data, but a lot of times it's just not enough. I really recommend investing in an external hard drive (or buying a cheap internal hard drive and a USB enclosure) and using it only for backups. Turn it off and unplug it (from the wall outlet) when it's not in use to ensure your data will be safe. Maybe even make monthly backups of this drive on DVD+-RW media if you're really paranoid. Another viable option would be backing up your data to another partition on your hard drive. That way, when simply reinstalling Windows, your data will be safely tucked away elsewhere. This option however, won't save you from disk failure or malware that may repartition and format your drive.

2. Have multiple partitions. Of course, you could put your data on a separate partition to begin with and save a lot of trouble. This won't work if you forget to keep all your data on the other partition, which will be displayed as a seperate drive (or you could mount a particular folder to the partition in XP/2000). I generally have a small Windows partition, a large (20 GB+) data partition, and another large partition for installed programs. Having multiple partitions also increases (perceived) disk performance and reduces fragmentation. This is not a replacement for backing up files regularly though, and you can still lose data if your drive fails.

3. Always have a Linux boot disk available. The Windows installation CD can be a valuable tool in recovering your Windows installation without losing data, when it works. Instead, try KNOPPIX, a richly featured Linux distribution that runs directly from the liveCD. Just pop in the disc, and you'll be given full access to your Windows drive. It does help to know what you're doing and fortunately you'll also have full access to the Internet (assuming you have broadband). You can even run regedit, even though it's in a round about way (importing your Windows registry into wine, editing it, and then overwriting the file). Having a copy of the KNOPPIX CD is always a good idea just in case.

That's just something to think about. If you don't do anything else on the list, absolutely backup! You'll thank me later.