Some Days I Feel Like Jumping off the Overpass Onto I-94

This is one of those days.

I think I might to better on mood stabilizers (used to treat some types of bipolar disorder) than antidepressants. I don't know if the pills stopped working because I went off them for 3 days, I got used to them, or I stopped having faith that they would magically work. I'm not even sure if they stopped working at all. I might just be having an off day or two.

Or maybe I could just use some good therapy. I'm willing to try it now, but of course, now I don't know if there's a local mental health clinic with a sliding scale. I want to avoid talking to people I'm close to because it's just awkward. I find it hard to express my feelings to people that know me because I try hard not to offend anyone or step on anyone's toes. I know sometimes it doesn't work, but I do try.

Some days I wake up seriously doubting my worth as a human being to the point where I feel like jumping off the overpass onto I-94. I can't help it. There's no reason or warning. I just do. On days like this it really doesn't help to be reminded how much of a douchebag I am because I already know. Some days all I can think about is how bad of a person I am and how little I'm actually worth. Thanks, but I don't need constant reminders.

On other days I don't really care. I have a sense of humor and can take a joke. You may have seen the image on my myspace. It makes me laugh, most of the time. The same goes for gay jokes. Most of the time they make me laugh, but on off days they really get to me. After a while, on a bad day they'll start to add up and I'll start feeling worse about myself. I try not to say anything because I don't want people to feel like they can't talk to me. A few days later I'll feel better and it won't bother me.

I don't let people know when I feel like shit. Everyone thinks they can tell, but you'd be surprised how good of a front I can put up. I probably should just show how I feel though, because when I already feel bad and people keep picking at the few things I let bother me I tend to lash out at people, whether or not they did anything to me. I know I'm a monster. I'm sorry.