Today's Cry for Attention

Until just a few hours ago I was incredibly excited about going to Jason's friend's New Year's Eve party. That was before I told my mom about it. She was okay with me going to a party until I told her I was going with Jason. Then she immediately said this is why she wanted me to get my permit and said something about morals or morality. I can't remember because I was too busy being hurt by her sudden change in attitude. And people think I hate the holidays for no reason.

She also has an issue with my door being closed. But this only applies when people are staying here overnight, which seems to be happening an awful lot lately. She would rather make my life completely miserable than have someone discover that she raised a dirty faggot. I know that's what she thinks because I've been around my granfather enough to know how she was raised. It really sucks being white trash, and I'm stuck here in the middle of this shit, which isn't fair. It wasn't my choice to be white trash, just like it's not my choice to be gay.

But she acts like it is. There was this event about a month ago that I didn't blog about because I was hurt too much. My mom and I were arguing about something stupid (I think it was cookie cutters) and I must have made her really mad because she followed me into my room, slammed the door and started yelling about how one day she'll be my only friend. First off, that's complete bullshit because she's not even close to being a friend now and second, I have lots of people I can turn to (kind of). But when I asked her why she was trying to make me feel bad and she turned right around and claimed that I made myself feel that way because of the choices I made. That hurt me so bad that I didn't come out of my room or even talk to anyone for two days and then she got mad at me for being hurt. That is fucking bullshit no matter how you look at it.

It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I was the only one affected. But every time she does something to me it hurts Jason just as much. That's what really gets me. I really hate telling him things that happen, but he insists it's better to be honest and I don't want to leave him out of my life, but I don't want to tell him just for him to get hurt. It's even gotten to the point where he feels unwelcome at my house (he even told me so), and to be perfectly honest, so do I. And even though I'm not the one hurting Jason and myself, I am mostly to blame.

I had every chance to get out of here. Jason (and everyone else in my life) has been pushing me so hard to leave, but I don't think I can. One thing I just thought about today is my student loan bill. I still owe them $800 and unless I get a job in the first week after moving, I'm going to have to skip a few payments. I really don't want to do that. And I know I can't rely on my dad to pay it every week because I practically have to kiss his ass to get him to pay it on time now. It may seem like a stupid reason to stay here to most people, but remember: I'm terrified about not having enough money to cover my bills.

I don't know how to tell my mom I'm leaving either. She's going to get mad and make it all about her. She'll probably even say some mean things about Jason and me that'll make me feel horrible and I'll sit alone in my dark room and not want to do anything, let alone move. Even if she doesn't say anything about me I'm pretty sure she thinks she's doing the right thing when she says mean things. That means when I move out she'll be hurt and I'll feel even worse than I do now.

And once I move out, there's no real reason for me to feel better. The things she's said and done to me are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I still think about the time she accused me of plagiarism because I got an A on my English paper, and that was 7 years ago. I still remember the time she and my dad yelled at each other about me in the car, on the way to the sport store, on my birthday. She denies all these things, but I remember them like they were this morning. And they all still hurt just as much as they did all those years ago. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt very deep.

And now I'm pretty much out of time to move out. Jason leaves for New York in 6 days and I can't think of anyone else who would help me move 40 miles at the drop of a hat. And even if I did, I don't have anywhere to put all my extra stuff. Sarah doesn't really have that much space in her apartment and I don't actually want to take up any of it. I'll feel like an inconvenience even if I do only take up a little space. I just don't want to intrude on her private space.

I know I can make excuses all day, but I really don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get out of here more than I want anything else. But....That's as far as I got. I know I want to leave, but I can't and I don't know why. You have no idea how frustrating that is. Maybe you do, I don't know. Some of you probably do.

On top of all that, Jason is leaving. I'm not going to see him for 4 whole months, and I don't want to do that. As much as I want him to go, I want him to stay here with me twice as much. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want to live without seeing his beautiful smile, hearing him laugh when I tickle him, and just being able to lay there next to his warm body. I really regret all the times he wanted to cuddle and I didn't feel like it because now I'm not going to get the chance for a third of a year.

But I truly am excited for Jason's opportunity. People would kill for a chance like this, and Jason is lucky enough to get it. In this business it really is all about who you know and this is Jason's foot in the door. The connections he builds while he's in New York will last the rest of his life. I'm really happy that Jason gets to go do this because he really deserves it. I just hope he still feels the same way about me when he gets home.

The past few weeks haven't been all bad. I got to see Amanda and Sean the other day. It was my first time meeting Sean and the first thing he said was "Hey, it's that famous guy!" At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but it turns out he has a copy of The Rich Show, and I guess he liked it. We all hung out at the Raven coffee shop in Port Huron and we didn't talk about much, but it was fun.

I also got to hang out with Steph yesterday. We were going to work on her movie, but none of us really felt like it, so we went to Taco Bell and saw Black Christmas instead. It was an average, run of the mill slasher flick, but I really liked it because it summed up my feelings about Christmas rather nicely.

That's all I have to say today. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad or anything. I just wanted to get some things off my chest.

It's Christmastime

I thought that maybe I would get a chance to just be happy on Christmas. What was I thinking? I should have known my mom would start her shit. She always tells herself (and everyone around her) that I'm going to grow up, marry a girl, have kids, and live a perfect little life that she invented for me. It makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I have to pretend that I'm something I'm not for the rest of my life and I don't think I can do that.

I've been writing more since I got back from Houghton. It really was nice to just get out of the house for a while. I had a really great time even though I'm really shy and I didn't really say a whole lot. But I had a good time anyway.

I just completely ran out of things to say. Have a great holiday season everyone.

Tag: Delayed Reaction

I got caught up in a game of tag going around Blogger, being tagged by my friend, and the first person to ever comment on my blog Jade. Now I have to list 5 things my readers might not know about me, so here it goes.

1. I'm terrified of handling money. I think it's because my parents never had any money when I was a kid and they always yelled at each other about it. Now whenever I go into a store I get terribly nervous if I have less than four or five times what I'm spending. I also worry about bills from the day I pay it until the day the next one arrives.

2. Even though I act it, I'm not really the creative type. Sure, I have ocasional bursts of creativity, but what I blame on writer's block is actually normal for me. I can visualise vivid details of what I'd like to see, but I can never go any farther than that. I can't communicate them, and most of the things I think of are random, completely unrelated tid bits.

3. I can't touch type. Most people wouldn't really care, but I take great pride in being a geek and I can't even type without looking at the keys. On top of that, I get extremely self concious when people watch me type and I make a ton of mistakes, especially if I'm trying to avoid looking at the keys.

4. I have poor sleeping habits. I might not even suffer from insomnia like I tend to talk about. The truth is that I usually stay on my computer until 3 AM because I'm afraid of just laying down and thinking. I also eat and drink right before bed because I get hungry. And I don't associate my bed with only sleeping. It's basically a giant chair/table.

5. I'm a vouyer. I love listening to what people have to say. I watch people's vlogs and I read blogs, but I rarely post anything myself (except for here) or respond to other peoples' posts. I just find peoples' storeis really interesting.

In other news, I'm currently at Michigan Technicological Institute in Houghton, MI. It was an 8 hour drive (of wihich a countless number were trees), and they don't even have a decent mall! I can't really say I expected them to because it's in the northwestern most tip of the upper peninsula and there is nothing around. It's freezing and I don't know anyone here, but I'm really enjoying myself. It's really nice being out of the house and away from everything that bothers me.

I really do miss Jason though. He's leaving for New York in less than two weeks and I'm all the way up here away from him. I don't know what I'm going to do the whole three months he's gone because right now we've been apart for so long that I can't stand it.

Other than that, I'm feeling a lot better than I have been recently. I got to sleep last night without even worrying about anything. I did toss and turn a little though because it was way too cold in the dorm because of a giant, gaping crack in the window, but that's just fine. I really like it up here becacuse it's nice an quiet, but not so much that there's nothing here. I'd still rather live in Port Huron though.

I Honestly Can't Think of a Title That Would Do This Entry Justice, Not That There's Anything Terribly Special About This Entry

I think I've made a major breakthrough with my depression. I just realized that I've been so worked up about what I have to write for this and that and what I feel like I need to do that I haven't done anything I actually want to do in quite a while, and now it's caught up with me. I think that could be why I sit in front of my computer for hours at a time trying to write, but instead staring into the monitor.

So I'm compiling a list of things I feel like doing. In my next post I'll leave off the things that I actually did for myself, and maybe add a few more as I think of them so I can keep track of what I'm doing. So, here it is:



1. Take some good photos around town (I've always wanted to be a photographer)
2. Get some good exercise (Maybe something more than just a walk)
3. Get in touch with some old friends (Probably Mike and Joe, but who knows)
4. Explore downtown Port Huron (For some reason Water Street fascinates me)
5. Pick up Yoga (no pressure this time, just for fun)
6. Build something (something tangible)
7. Weed through my music collection (I've been downloading faster than I can enjoy)
8. Draw (again, no pressure)
9. Sit down and read the Sunday paper (I'm usually preoccupied with the Internet)
10. Make a new friend (I always wanted to do that)



That's it. If I can do just a few of these 10 things, I think I could be a lot happier. Note that I didn't mention writing at all. Maybe it's a sign?

Special thanks to Matt Jones for making me wonder why I don't do more things for myself.

Slimming Down

Starting today I'm going to get more exercise. I'm going to try eating less junk food too, but I think I'll start with one thing at a time. So after I finish this I'm going for a nice long walk, assuming it's not too cold out. Eh, it's 50 degrees. I think I'll be okay.

My Half Assed Rant

"I don't care how cute kids are and how great it is to have them. I'm gay. I like sleeping with guys. I'm madly in love with Jason. I have absolutely no interest in women and their twats. Leave me alone and let me be happy."

I wish I could say something like that to my mom. She keeps inviting my cousins and their toddlers over and I think she thinks it'll magically make me straight. She even lets them stay the night so Jason and I feel uncomfortable. Last night we couldn't even be alone in my own room and it's not fair to either of us.

I don't even know why I'm complaining. I'm the one who's still here. I'm the one who won't leave. I'm the one who is too afraid to get on with his life. I think that's why I was so upset last night (you really don't need details). I am feeling better today though, and I think I'm going to have some brighter days ahead. :)

Yesterday I went to Target and got $20 back on the DVD player I bought my parents and bought my aunt and Jason a gift. But Jason knows what it is, so I want to get him something different. It's funny because last year he was like this and it turns out that when I have money I'm the same way. Oh, and I just remembered that I forgot to feed Jason.

Even thought I'm in a pretty good mood, I still can't think of anything to write. I think I just need some more time off, or to start a project that I'd be more interested in. I'll look into that. Everyone else, have a great day!

What a Wonderful Month

I've been having a lousy December so far.

I'm experiencing horrible writer's block and I promised to write some articles for GBLNetwork. I don't even write anything for my magazine or my blog anymore. Now I feel like an ass because the owner of the site was really hurting for some content and I failed to deliver any. There were about 6 articles, which was okay, but I still would have liked to write something for launch.

I'm also completely out of money and really bummed out about it. If I could get to Target in Port Huron I could get an extra $20 because the DVD player I bought went on sale, but I can't get there and I don't want to ask Jason because he already took me up there to do my shopping. I don't want to ask too much. I had all these ideas about what to get him, but now I can't afford any of them and it kind of makes me feel like a failure. This is just one of the many reasons I hate Christmas.

It's not Jason's fault I feel like a failure though. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and even though she got a lot of nice stuff, she still found something to yell at my dad about. I feel like that's kind of my fault too, because she used to yell at me all the time when I was a kid, but I don't put up with it anymore and I yell back. So now she yells at my dad about everything because he won't fight back and it's my fault.

I also need to move out and I feel like I can't. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I'd feel really guilty leaving and my mom would tell my aunt it's her fault and it's not. I really don't want to put her through it. And if I leave before Christmas my mom would never let me forget about it.

But the main reason I'm depressed is because I want to be with Jason. I want Jason and I to just be happy together, but we can't because my mom makes me feel bad and I don't know how to deal with it. I blame this stupid country I live in that's run by a bunch of idiot religious red necks with antiquated ideals. Everyone wants this country to be something that it's not and I'm the one suffering. (How's that for self- centered?) I just want to be able to give Jason all my love without constantly worrying about what other people think. It's not fair.

Oh, and I have a cold and my uncle died last Sunday. Don't even get me started about my mom's completely inappropriate behavior at the showing and funeral.

I'm Not Bitter, I'm Just Anxious

I'm all done with Christmas shopping. Well, I still need to buy my aunt a word search book (Walden's didn't have one and Barnes and Noble closed right before we pulled in) and I want to get Jason something nice. But the bulk of it is bought,wrapped, and tucked neatly under my bed. I really owe Jason for taking me shopping. He really should have been doing his homework, but he came over an hour early just to help me because he knows how much I've been worrying about this. And even though I'm almost done I don't really feel any less stressed. I guess that's just Christmas time in my house.

I made a real ass of myself in the car. While we were in the mall Jason took me to Sears to buy me a pair of jeans. I knew about it on the way, but as we passed a thrift store I said "I could buy gifts at the thrift store, but then I'd have to buy people clothes. And no one likes getting clothes." I totally didn't mean it. I didn't even know why I said it, but I feel like a total jerk. I was excited about getting the jeans and a nice sweater because I normally buy crappy clothes that have to last at least a few years. And I really do like what we picked out, even though Jason insisted that I get a second sweater because he thought I would be unsatisfied with only one.....but I'm not supposed to know about it and I'm going to act surprised, so no one say anything.

On a side note, Jason also wants to get me a book. It's funny because when we go into a bookstore he has to ask me the name of the book because he keeps forgetting. I completely understand that because it has a somewhat unusual title. Then after I tell him the title he immediately heads toward the Science Fiction section. That always gives me a giggle because the book is in the Physics section. I don't know why i find the situation funny. I think it's the fact that Jason runs all over trying to find what I want when I'd really be satisfied just being with him for Christmas. In case anyone is wondering, the book is A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking......but I don't know about that either.

I actually don't know why I'm still up. I've been having a lot of insomniatic episodes recently, and it's kind of annoying. I can't sleep until about 5 or 6 AM and then I'll on;y be able to sleep until about 10. Other days I'll be able to fall asleep at about two, but I won't be able to drag myself out of bed until 2. It's really bizarre. I think it would be better if I didn't have to worry about making noise and using the computer in the other room to do something creative.

Which reminds me, I want to make a short documentary. I was thinking something about Christmas or insomnia. Maybe even both if I can find a way to work it in. I'm thinking of documenting my Holiday experience and seeing what turns up. Well, I've already done everything I need, so I guess I'll need to find a volunteer.

And of course, I'm still worried about moving out. I feel a lot of pressure on both sides and I don't what to do. Jason's afraid to bring it up because he thinks it makes me depressed, which it does because I'm running out of time. But it's the holiday season so if I leave now I'd feel tremendously guilty. And Jason's leaving for NY in early January and won't be back until late March or something. I think that's adding a lot to my anxiety right there. I just don't know what to do. (I'm in a nice, good, calm mood right now though...I love Jason so much)

Meh?

I've been really stressed out for the last week. I've been trying to do so much, but accomplishing so little. I've been meaning to write a new article for Rich Magazine, which I promised I'd keep up, but I don't know what to talk about. I don't want to make all of my articles about what the future should be like, but I don't really have much else to say right now. I've also been wanting to post something else up on youtube, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to make all my videos just me playing Classical Gas, but I don't have anything to say.

When everything decides to go wrong all at once, it really bothers me. A few crises here and there would be fine, but when all these things come together and attack me as one incident it's really annoying. That's all I really have to say.

Oh, and I decided to write a science fiction script, so if anyone likes the genre and has anything they've always wanted to see in a movie, leave a comment. I'm working on an old outline that I gave up on and I'll post it here soon so everyone can have a general idea of the story.

Take Two

I had to learn to tune Jason's brother's guitar by ear because I don't have a digital tuner. I once downloaded tuning software that uses a microphone to hear the tone of the note, but it never produced the same result twice in a row and it was just a mess. So today I downloaded a tone generator to get the E string tuned, and then tuned the rest of the strings based on that. I think I got it pretty good, but I'm going to check again tomorrow.



So I guess that's what I tried that was new (I almost practiced for nearly three hours). No one gave me any suggestions! It's fine, because I'm kind of sick today. A sore throat and all that jazz. Right now I'm going to get some sleep and go clean Julie's mom's gutters with Jason.

Classical Gas and You

I made this video last night to share with a small number of people, but youtube has terrible privacy controls. So since it's available to anyone with the Internet, I figured I'd stick it up here too. I was contemplating posting it on Rich Magazine, but I decided not to because I might eventually make something out of all the clips.



If you go to the page the video is on, you'll notice a few comments from a helpful guy. I can't help but shake the feeling that it's either Jason or someone else I shared the video with. But since there is no evidence of the person's identity on the page, I can't go anywhere with it. That's okay because I like the attention no matter who it comes from.

Every couple nights I'm going to make a new video and share my progress. I probably won't post it here, but you can check out my youtube page any time to see if I posted anything new. I figured it would give me something to post since I haven't really been feeling creative, and it'll force me into practicing. And can anyone explain how to tune that damn thing? I've looked at about a million sets of instructions and I have software that's supposed to do it, but I don't think it works right and it's just a big mess. Hell, I didn't even know it was out of tune until the guy said so.

I recently started cooking a lot more than I used to. It's weird because I've never cooked more than Ramen and pancakes (not together), but I can still put together a decent meal. Last week I had a nice big salmon fillet that I coated in butter and stuck in the oven. I put parsley and crushed red pepper on it of course, but that was pretty much it and it turned out really well. Yesterday I made a steak for my aunt and me. I can't say that I like the smell of bloody beef before it's cooked, but they turned out well too. And I made some ravioli and white sauce (it's similar to the gravy in biscuits and gravy minus the meat), but I put a little too much pepper in it.

Jason and I watched Accepted today. It was a really good movie with an amazing soundtrack (three of my favorite songs were on it). It started to make me think that I should be out doing something instead of waiting around until I have a job. I mean, what if I am wasting potential talent? It might not even be in film. You never know. I'm still going to college so I can get a nice little cubical in some major corporation though. Hobbies such as filmmaking cost a lot of money.

So that's what I'm doing tomorrow: something I've never tried before. Any thoughts?

The Future of Trees

I wrote an article today about how trees are completely unneeded in today's technological age. Yes, I'm a geek. I was going to write about how gravity is obsolete, but I couldn't really think of anything to say. I'm probably going to write a few more articles, but right now I'm taking a break. I also want to work on some images and maybe a quick video or two. I'm still not sure how I want the Rich Magazine video content to work, but I'll figure it out as I go.

That's all I had to say today. Thanks to everyone who supported me and told me I could do it.

Hiatus

I kind of lost steam on Rich Magazine. I just haven't been able to find anything to write about recently and I always worry too much about if something is going to be funny enough. I don't know why, but I just don't have the energy to really do anything. Could be Daylight Savings Time, but I'm not sure. I can't eeven concentrate enough to write a coherent blog entry.

Today I cleaned out my mom's garage and fought with my computer all day. I've been trying to install Xubuntu on my 333 for a while, but the liveCD wouldn't work so I had to download the alternate install CD, but now none of my spare CD drives work. It's really frustrating because all I want to do is ditch Windows.

I've been doing yoga recently and it makes me feel better in the morning. Maybe I should just do stuff in the morning instead of night like I usually do. I'll work something out and get back into things.

Goodnight

I haven't really felt like doing anything lately. Not depressed, just bleh. I've been playing some Beyond Good and Evil. It's a great game, but it's a little too short. And there's one nasty glitch that forced me to start over. It's all good though because it's a beautiful and touching game. I hate holidays. Blah blah blah. I don't know if I'm dress up or not. If I do I might post pictures or something. Have a great night/day/morning/evening/Halloween.

Crisis on Degurse: Day Two

I guess what I'm really scared of is ending up alone and never accomplishing anything. There are so many things I want to do with my life, but I can feel time just kind of passing and I'm sitting here on the Internet all day waiting for something to happen. I'm terrified to get out there and actually start making films because if I put a lot of work into it and then I fail (which is moderately likely), then I can't get back all that time and effort. And if I just give up on it and concentrate on computer science then I'll always wonder what could have been. For some reason it's a lose-lose situation in my mind. I don't know if I can do both or just be in computers on the side. Or maybe I should just be a filmmaker as a hobby. I'm so confused.

I guess ultimately I have to make the decision regardless of what other people think. But I kind of feel like I'm going to let someone down no matter what. If I don't go into computer then I'm letting down all the people who try to reassure me of how smart I am all the time, and If I don't become a filmmaker Ill be letting down...myself. And the people who have been supportive of me. I don't know what to do and it kills me. That's why I haven't put much effort into anything recently. I don't want to get locked into yet another bad decision. But I inevitably will.

Or at least that's how I feel. In case you couldn't tell, I have a fear of commitment (but ironically, not when it comes to relationships). I tried starting a blog aimed toward new Ubuntu users, but it never got off the ground because I couldn't figure out a way to devote enough time to it so I gave up. That's one of my biggest problems. I give up far too easily.

Tomorrow I want to go make a short skit or something. I have a few things in mind and all I have to do is call some friends and set it up. Somebody please remind me.

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

EDIT: Ignore this post! I feel better now.



Here it is 3:30 in the morning and I'm sitting at my computer, sick, when I should be getting some much needed sleep. I don't remember the last time I actually got an entire night's sleep because I can't stop thinking about everything that's going on. It just seems like no matter what I do everything is against me all the time.

When I was a kid I had a hard time making friends because I always felt different from the other kids. The fact that I missed the first week of Kindergarten because I had mono didn't help either. Then I just decided to give up on making friends because there didn't really seem to be much of a point. I guess I'm paying for it now because I rarely leave my room or talk to anyone anymore. I even have a hard time calling my best friend, who I haven't seen in 6 months.

I really feel bad about that because I want to go into filmmaking and it's all about having connections, but I find it impossible to connect with even my close friends, let alone people who are more important than me. And I've always been reclusive so I don't have the social skills to be a moderately good director, which became obvious when I filmed that short a while back. I feel like I fucked that up and now I'm going to be alone my entire life. (I know Jason will always be there, of course)

In high school I started hanging out with people a little, but I hung out with all the wrong people and did all the wrong things. I used to do a lot of drugs, which I kind of regret because there's this part of my life that's kind of blurry, and now every time I can't remember a detail about something or can't solve a thought puzzle I wonder if it's my fault or if I'm just not that bright.

I took all the wrong classes in high school too. I don't know why, but my counselor failed in every way to help me. I don't blame her or anything, I just wish she would have been more helpful. I took a wide range of classes that aren't going to help me just because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I took a nutrition class where I kind of learned how to cook, a handful of business classes, the requirements, and an engineering class (I should have taken the higher level ones because I really enjoy making things). I never made it higher that Algebra II and Geometry I, and I never took a single art class, which I deeply regret because I want to pick that up now and I'm having a really hard time doing so.

College for me was a big mistake. I had some great experiences and classes, sure, and they rewrote a bunch of outdated computer science tests because of smart ass comments I scribbled down while testing out of classes, but I really wish I could do it all over. The thing is that I went to an expensive, stuffy business college. I really thought I wanted to go into computers, and I still might, but I want to continue with my filmmaking. I wasted all that money and I can't even get a transcript out of them.

That's because I owe them money. Not just my maxxed out student loan, but a back balance of about $2500 which I have no way to repay. I should have applied for more scholarships when I was in high school and not screwed around my first two years because then I could have gotten one of those scholarships the school district just throws at everyone with a 4.0 GPA. Then I could have gone to a real college. Otherwise it's pretty though for me to get a scholarship because I'm not disabled, I'm not exactly poor, I'm not an orphan or a minority, and I never accomplished anything important. The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I'm gay (there are quite a few scholarships out there for us), but I just feel uncomfortable applying for one.

So now I'm repaying more than $4000 (my back balance plus my loans) and despite 3 years of extreme job searching, I still can't find a job. Maybe it's me or maybe it's the economy (damn Michigan). I don't know, but it drives me crazy all night. I have no past work experience and the only fancy reference is Jason, being a manager and all. The closest I came was an interview at CVS, but I think I screwed it up because I was nervous and I forgot all the things I was going to say and ask. I wish I could do it over again, but I can't.

To make everything worse, I live at home with my parents. It sucks because every day my mom reminds me that I don't have a job and that I'm freeloading. She acts like I don't even bother and just lay around the house like her. She doesn't have a job either. She also makes me feel bad for being with Jason rather than some cheap floozie (of the female variety). She's uber-Christian so she always throws the God thing in there so she sounds official.

Everything just seems so unfair sometimes. Great opportunities just seem to fall in everyones' laps but I always seem left out. I'm not talking about Jason and his going to New York and his possible new Job. He deserves those things. I'm talking about all my pot head friends (there's nothing wrong with that) that get all the jobs I apply for (4 different occasions), my friend Mike who got his cooshie job because a teacher at my high school thought he should have it and happened to have a connection, and all my loser friends who seem to be so much better off than me.

So my question is: What the Hell is wrong with me?

I'm Sick

...And tired. I've been trying to write funny articles, but I don't think they've been turning out very well. I really want to get a time sensitive article out tomorrow, but I still don't know how I want it to go. I'm going to get some sleep right now because I think I'm going to die.

By the way: It's illegal to buy a dildo in Texas. But you can still buy a butplug.

It's All Been Done

I've been in kind of a rut lately, I've got writer's block again. It's coming up with ideas that always gets me. Maybe it's because I'm in a bad mood all the time, or maybe it's because when I say I'm going to think for myself I'm really just changing the people who think for me. It's really frustrating because I feel like everyone expects so much (this isn't aimed at anyone) but I can only deliver a miniscule amount. It's hard for me to just be myself, but I don't know why. I guess I just don't know how. Any suggestions?

I've been listening to some old Bare Naked Ladies CDs and there's something about them. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I kind of feel happy when I listen to them. I remember when I bought them, all those years ago and how I used to be. It's amazing how much someone can change in just 8 years. It's not really a whole lot of time if you think about it. But when everything is happening all at once and then everything just kind of stops, it really puts things into perspective.

I applied at some more places today (including CVS again), but I was going to do most of it tomorrow because I didn't start feeling good until this afternoon. And now I can't because my mom expects me to clean up after her all day. She acts like all I ever do is sit around and watch TV like her. I try to get things accomplished. I try to do things. I finished that poster and wrote a number of articles, but that doesn't count. If you don't get paid for something it's not important.

It's not my fault she never did anything with her life, but she's taking it out on me. Of all the times she could have started acting up, she chose when I'm actually working on something that's important to me. But it doesn't matter f I ever get to work on the Magazine because "It's not like I'm on a deadline or anything." That really hurts because I like being constructive but I can't with people getting in the way all the time. That's a minor part of the reason that I haven't finished the movie yet. I feel like I can't use the only computer fast enough to handle Vegas, or even GIMP, because it's not mine.

This has all been said before, I'm sure. I just needed to let out some frustration. It's been a while since I've really done that and it feels good. Now I'm going to get some sleep so I can maybe get some time to work on things tomorrow, if I'm lucky.

My mom is hogging the car today even though she knows I have to walk to the dentist's office. She also knew it was going to rain. So now I'm stuck walking in the rain to have my mouth violated. Not in a good way either. No, in the most horrible way imaginable. It doesn't really hurt, but it's just really awkward trying to have a conversation with someone who has their fingers and sharp metal pokers and scrapers shoved in your mouth. And I know she's going to ask why I didn't reschedule my other appointment all that time ago. And I have to wear a pair of khakis that don't fit because that's the only thing I have clean. But that's all okay because I get to come home and be grumpy until Jason gets here.

I've been feeling kind of lousy lately too. I don't know why, but I just get so depressed sometimes. I didn't do a godamn thing yesterday when I could have gotten so much accomplished. I made some progress in Liberty City Stories, so I guess that's something. Okay, it's really not, but that's all I did.

Dude, Where's My Blog?

Much to my surprise, I wrote an article for Rich Magazine today. In fact, I started a stockpile so that I can release them at a steady pace, even during a dry spell. I do have quite a few more articles in mind, but I'd really like other people to contribute too. If you read this blog and you want to start a column or just submit a few articles, shoot me an email at rich.moore.mi[at]gmail.com. I really want Rich Magazine to become a user driven site rather than me just writing articles and making funny images all the time. If you didn't get the link in my previous post (hyperlinks kind of blend in with the text), the address is richmagazine.blogspot.com.

In other news, I'm feeling quite satisfied today. I've accomplished more today than I have in the last 2 years, the movie excluded. I wrote some articles, of course, and I raked as much of the front yard as I could before I ran out of those big paper bags. Damn, we have a lot of trees and bushes. I'd rather just run them over with the lawn mower, but my dad wants to keep the leaves for some halloween decoration of his. I also played just a bit of GTA, completing some menial tasks that count toward 100% completion. That's about all I have to say today, although I feel like I'm forgetting something.

I don't Understand Why I Sleep All Day

For as long as I can remember I've been making lists of projects that I'm currently working on. I have all the long term ones in a little leather journal (Amanda may remember that, before I replaced the contents) and I write all my short term goals in notebooks. But since I started making all these lists I haven't crossed off a single thing. It's kind of depressing if you think about it. An ever growing list of things I want to accomplish while I lay around and feel lousy.

But that all changed today when I made this:


Click for the full sized image

It's modeled after this anti-piracy poster produced by the MPAA. I didn't want to take all the time in the world to crop th background out of the photo of the CD's, and I couldn't produce a moderately nice looking star, so I left it out. Other than that I kind of like how it turned out. Oh, and what's that suspicious logo in the corner? Rich Magazine? How'd that get there?

chown -R us ./base

It snowed this morning. Right now it's 37 degrees and we're supposed to have light flurries for the rest of the week. That kind of bums me out because for Halloween I'm going to be standing in my driveway in a light polyester pimp suit and hail in cars that drive by, giving them candy. If it doesn't magically get warmer sometime soon, that's really going to suck. I don't want to be cold because then I'll be inclined to eat the candy for the energy to shiver and then there'll be no point to standing outside in the snow in a costume.

My dad works afternoons, so I'll be able to get a lot of work done (I'll be able to use the fast computer). I'm moderately excited about that because I really want to finish up my poster and get Rich Magazine started. Instead of writing an article I'm going to post that and maybe a little blurb.

That reminds me: anyone who needs some online storage space to backup or host files for a website, there's this great service out there called eggdisk. You can host images, movies, and almost any other document. It blocks out 'dangerous' types of files like executables, but you can always just give it a .txt extension to get around that. You get 6 GB of storage space and 30 GB of monthly bandwidth. In case you were wondering, that's a lot of space and traffic, especially for a free service. Jason told me that his download was slow and mine are too, but Marie didn't complain. I'll have to look into it.

Google vs. Youtube?

Upon further consideration I've come upon the conclusion that maybe Google purchasing Youtube isn't the tragedy I had originally imagined. Google paid $1.65 billion (yes, with a billion with a b) for the company, so they obviously have the kind of funds it's going to take to maintain the service. Last I heard Youtube was paying $20 million a year for bandwidth alone. Google probably won't even flinch at that number with all the advertising revenue they pull in.

They also have some nice big data centers sprinkled around the country housing tons of servers and some 5000 employees (that's more than you might think in the IT industry). In theory the new Youtube should run much smoother than the underpowered, antiquated (just over a year old) network, assuming they migrate to their internal servers within the next few months.

I'm excited about how Youtube is going to interact with Google's existing services. Youtubers could easily find other members in their area with Google Maps and Goole Earth. Youtube can now be integrated into Google's popular (although I have no idea why) downloadable search applications to get great videos right onto peoples' desktop and into their browser. With the addition of Gchat, Google Calendar, alerts, and their plentiful web apps, the possibilities are unlimited. Personally, I'd like to see my Youtube mail become a folder in my gmail account.

But by far the biggest thing Google has going for them right now is their name. How do people search? They Google. Everyone with a computer knows who Google is, and unlike Netscape, Magellan, and Jeeves that's not likely to change any time soon.

On a side note, I just found out that Google owns Blogger, where this blog is hosted. I didn't know that, even though it happened three years ago. They also handle my primary email address, and I must say their service is remarkable. Google also has a Linux Search Engine that I find quite helpful at times. I find (the linux version of) Google Earth to be the most interesting and well thought out map system ever. Oh shit, I'm addicted to Google.

Google vs. Youtube

I've never really liked Google. I don't know why, I just don't. Recently their video service, aptly named Google Video failed so they did a smart thing and bought a great little service you may have heard about. Youtube. That makes me kind of mad because I like Youtube and I hate Google.

I predict that Google will rewrite (read:ruin) the interface, screw over the current users, and start to charge for at least some aspect of the service. Damn, now how am I going to keep myself entertained at night?

That's all I had to say today. Stay tuned for updates, or not.

If I was Jack Thompson

These are a few of the retarded things that would come out of my mouth if I was Jack Thompson. In case you didn't know, Jack Thompson is an ambulance chasing lawyer from sunny Miami who is so Hellbent against video games (he believes they cause people to be violent) that he says some pretty stupid stuff, without doing any research first. For a list look here. Let the list begin:




Easy Bake Ovens cause young girls to become homemakers, rather than valuable members of society.

Still cameras cause children to develop voyeurism fetishes.

Computers cause children to become super hackers, who will inevitably destroy everything we know.

Automobiles train kids to perform hit and runs, and in severe cases, drive-by shootings.

Audio equipment gives kids unfounded hope that they can one day become a musician.

Money turns our youth into cash crazed criminals.

No one hits anyone in the head with a wrench unless they're a hitman or a mechanic.

Baby dolls are a pedophile's paradise.

"Better Homes and Gardens" contains beds, hot tubs, kitchen tables, shag carpeting, gardens, and loveseats, all of which can be used in sexual situations, and thus should be banished to the darkest corner of 'adult entertainment' stores.

Using shampoo is an escapist activity and you’re being exploited by these companies. It's not healthy.

Mattel has led the planet in the distribution of mainstream porn.

Do you need an IQ below room temp to watch TV and talk about it?

Halloween makeup kits are nothing more than prostitution simulators.

BMW is not a word, as it is in serious need of a vowel movement.

Carpet gives our kids unrealistic expectations for their feet.

God is not pleased with Lays Potato Chips right now.

I'm Not a Zombie

I've been thinking a lot tonight because that's what I do when I can't sleep. Actually I've been watching YouTube. But that brings up an interesting point. Since I graduated ran out of money for college (and probably long before that) I've been letting other people tell me what to think and believe. It's been incredibly long since I'm formulated my own opinion about anything. I've been so caught up in what other people think that I've just been kind of letting them control me.

I'm not talking about telling me what to wear or where to go. I've been just believing everything people have been telling me. I remember in high school I protested everything that I didn't agree with. I got into a dozen arguments a day because that's who I am. I don't like to just agree with people. That's why I originally started Rich Magazine; as a way to rebel against authority without making too much of a ruckus. But somewhere since then, everything has changed.

I haven't written anything that I actually agree with in two years. The script that I wrote just isn't me. I hate how the entire story goes, and I think that's why I'm so hesitant to finish. The actors are great, I just don't like the characters and their actions. They just don't represent how I feel. That's because I wrote it for everyone else. I was writing it with Marie and Jason in mind because I wanted to please them. And that's fine. It's good to write for your audience, but I got so distracted that I completely bypassed everything that I wanted.

I used to write short stories in my spare time. I wrote them for myself and I never showed anyone. They were good because they were true. I wrote what I thought and that's what makes writing good. Imagine if Steven King or Douglas Adams wrote for his audience rather than himself. How could The Stand have turned out so deviously intriguing if it had been written for readers with personal involvement as a side note. Or would the Guide's entries have been rewritten for their intended audience? Sure, they would have made more sense to most people but the irony and sophisticated humor would have been completely removed.

I figured out why I haven't been able to write anything. I've been too caught up in what people want to read. I don't really care, and I should remain not to do so. Just in the last hour I have gotten so much done because I've created a private sandbox called My Documents. No one knows what I'm doing so no one can tell me what to do, inadvertently or otherwise.

Forming my own opinions again also makes a huge difference. I don't know what I was thinking and I don't know how I got into my rut. It just kind of happened but now that I'm out I feel so much better. It's actually indescribable. So I'm not going to bother, but it is really great. I think tomorrow I'm going to go for a nice long walk and do some thinking. I'm also making a new blog for Rich Magazine. It's not going to be like the Ubuntu blog, either. But hey, I might start that up again.

You may notice that this post is kind of long compared to a lot of my other ones. That's because I have something to say. I'm not writing because I feel obligated or because I want to tell people something. I've been terrified not to step on anyone's toes with this blog because I know people read it. But this little spot of the Internet is mine and I'll use it however I want, even if it does mean occasionally offending people.

Okay, now I'm rambling so I should probably channel my energy into something else before I lose it. I think it might already be fading, but I hope I'll still have it in the morning. Have a good night everyone.

The Barber is Closed Today!

I received my free (including shipping) Ubuntu CD-ROM toady. I reached into the mailbox and thought "WTF is this?" Then I saw the beautiful Ubuntu font and remembered ordering it several months ago. I was moderately excited even though I got my burned CD to work, and I don't really need the new one. I could pass it along to someone else though. As a bonus the CD came with 4 Ubuntu stickers. That got me excited because I was going to buy some a while back, but didn't really want to spend the money, and I didn't expect them to be there.

Schrodinger and Steve also had a busy day. Today was their first visit to the vet, for tests of all things. They don't have worms, fleas, or any kind of diseases. I was expecting bad news on that front because of how we found them abandoned in our back yard and all. For a few weeks I've been thinking that Schro could be sick because she sleeps a lot, sometimes she seems kind of weak, and she's really skinny. It turns out she's just skinny. The same goes for Steve; he's just a big cat. And here I thought he was unhealthily fat.

But someone I know isn't having such a great day. Stephanie's roomates in Tennessee want her poor little puppy (Raven) to sleep outside. Steph, of course, thinks it's incredibly unfair to make Raven sleep outside because she's still a puppy. It's even more unfair because from what I've heard the roomates have a dog that sleeps inside. That's bullshit because Raven never bothered anyone (too much). I feel bad because Steph is trying to find someone to take care of Raven, and she's lonely because she's away from her friends and family, and now she has to be away from Raven. That's just not fair.

The Adventures of Superhoe

I had a terrific day today. When I woke up I was all alone, just the way I like it. I got on my computer and started writing. I got a fair amount of stuff done. I also tried to upload some stuff to eggdisk, but I was having some problems I need to work out. Then played SimCity for a little bit while I was waiting for some stuff to download. I'd say it was one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. Then my mom came home.

Normally I would just get out of her way and go into my room, but she insisted on dragging me to Burger King. Right in the middle of having a moderately good dinner, she started pushing me to go visit my aunt in tiny, uninteresting town in Oklahoma. I don't want to go because I'd be bored, away from my computer the entire time (so I wouldn't be able to write or anything), and expected to engage in activities that I have no interest in. So I asked her why she didn't go.

Her exact words: "Because your dad would be on porn sites (it's okay up to this point) and you'd run off with someone with a dick that's seven feet long." Am I wrong to take offense to that comment? Obviously because now she's pissed off that I'm not all fucking happy. But why should I be happy when all she ever does is insult me and make me feel like I don't have the right to be here.

Now she just walked in my room and told me that she didn't do anything and that "I need to get out of my funk." So now it's wrong for me to be hurt by the mean, hurtful things people say. It'd be fine if a friend would have said that. If Mike would have said that I wouldn't really have cared. Sure, I would have been mad at first, but I would have gotten over it. It's just that I feel alone because I don't really have anyone I can talk to or rely on.

I know that I have Jason, but he can't do anything to help me. Every time he makes me feel good about myself Debby comes in and ruins it. I shouldn't have to rely on Jason to baby me every time he sees me anyway. It's not his responsibility. I should be able to feel good on my own. Everyone else does, so why can't I?

Oh, and I'm writing a new short called Superhoe. Guess what it's going to be about! (Jason, you may be tempted to say something right now, but don't)

Defragment, Disable Indexing, and Partition

I worked on the movie a little today. I'm having a tough time finding a transition between 2 parts of this scene. Marie and Stephanie get up from the couch and sit at the kitchen table. I have footage of them going to sit down, but I just don't like it. It takes too long and it's just an unpleasant angle. I don't want to just cut away to the conversation at the table either. I'm in kind of a bind, but it's okay because I'm closer to being finished now than I ever was.

I've also come up with a new project. I was looking for a Windows XP performance tweak checklist, to pass along to a friend, but I couldn't find one. There was a ton of information available, but it was all over the place and I needed something nice and compact. So I figured I'm as qualified as anyone to write such a guide because I religiously tweak my Windows installations. I could even cover Windows 9x for those who need it.

The only problem with that is Vista. The next installment of the Windows operating system is coming out in less than six months and people are going to be forced to upgrade rather quickly for security reasons (and to net the corporation some cash, of course). I don't know how long I'll stick to writing a guide that will be obsolete in less than a year. It would give me a pretty good sense of accomplishment though. And that's something I've really been needing recently.

It could be my foot in the door to publishing computer books. I've always wanted to do something like it, but I've never quite considered myself an expert, until now. I just realized today that I really enjoy helping people with computers, even though I have very little patience. Writing computer help books aimed at unexperienced users may be something I could really get into. Or I could just run a site with the same purpose. Or I could do both. I'm still deciding.

Four Fun Filled Days

I haven't updated my blog in a while and apparently that makes people think I'm in a bad mood. Or maybe it's the things I've said in previous posts. Either way I thought I'd share a little bit of my life with everyone. Here it goes:

Friday: I woke up and surfed the web for a few hours. I wanted to hang out with Stephanie before she went back home so I called her, but there was no answer. I surfed the web some more and contacted some people through myspace about the possibility of being in a few upcoming films. Stephanie called back while shopping for a dress and agreed to have Jason and I hang out with her. I surfed the web some more and read about a suicide of a guy I one (kind of) knew and it hit a little too close to home. A few hours of my mom being a twat later Steph came to pick me up and we went to buy some stuff. It took a while. At the party we tried to play a few games and I ate half a burnt pizza. I had a beer and a fruity Smirnoff thing that according to Jason I downed in less than 5 minutes. It tasted like Faygo Grape Soda,damn girly drinks. Jason and I came home early and watched a few episodes of Third Rock.

Saturday: I woke up tired and slightly nauseous. I looked around my house, but couldn't find anyone so I called my dad at work. I surfed the web for a few hours and when my uncle, who was staying with us, came home I helped him carry stuff to his truck for my mom. Then I worked on my Daria fanfilm and went to bed (in an actual bed that my uncle gave me - I hate beds).

Sunday: Even though it was yesterday, I don't know what I did. But Jason came over and we went to get some dessert at Bigboy and the waitress thought it was weird that all I had was a cookie, but that's all I really wanted because I had already had ice cream and I just ate 2 hot dogs. When we came home watched this crappy movie called "Thank You For Smoking." We got bored halfway through and watched some more Third Rock.

Monday: That's today. I talked to Amanda for a little bit. Um, my aunt is here so I hung out with her. I've been listening to music and surfing the web all day. Later I plan to write a short that can be easily filmed when Jason comes over tomorrow (tentatively), play Liberty City Stories (terrific game), and surf the web.

There you have it. An entire four days of my life. I've also been doing Sudoku puzzles here and there, as well as reading a few books. I'm addicted to GTA and the Internet. Oh, and Ubuntu of course. I hope you all enjoyed this post. Later.

Oh, in other news, Jason (semi)publicly declared his undying love for me. It was sweet, but it made me feel funny. But not in a bad way.

Blog Functions Cannot be Guaranteed

I'm going to upgrade the SD card in my digital camera. 208 MB (spread across 3 cards) just isn't enough to capture enough pictures at the highest resolution. Sure, if I use a smaller size I can take more than 100 pictures, but I paid for 4 mega-pixels and that's what I want to shoot. The problem is that I don't know how large of a card my camera will support. The book says this:

This camera has been tested with memory cards up to 2 GB. All memory card functions cannot be guaranteed.

What the fuck does that mean? Will the card work or not? Ugh, it's so frustrating. I contacted Canon tech support a few hours ago with the hopes that they can answer my question. I just hope they don't think I'm stupid or anything.

Oh, I just checked my inbox and Canon got back to me an hour ago. I'd say a response time of 4 hours and 2 minutes is pretty damn good. It turns out that the 2 GB card will work with my camera, as long as it adheres to the strict SD standards (I assume it will...) and is formatted in FAT16 (which I already learned). I'm pretty excited because SD cards on newegg are pretty cheap. I can get a 1 GB card for as little as $22 (including shipping) or a 2 GB for as little as $34. I'd go for a 4 GB, but they start at $85 and that's a little bit over my budget.

MMM, Donuts.

So my mom called me fat today. For any of you who have ever seen her, you'll be laughing with me here. The story is as follows: I had no clean clothes and I had to go to the store, so I put on my old pair of khakis. I walk out of the bathroom and say, "these are pretty tight." Immediately my mom says, "It's because you're putting on weight and are inactive. You should really watch your starches."

Now, I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not as thin as I was when I bought those khakis, but I'm by no means fat. I have a little bit of a gut, but that's all. And I'm not inactive. I walk for at least an hour every day just to get out of the house and listen to some music or podcasts. Yesterday I walked out to the park about 2.5 miles north of my house and I took the long way back. (I walked on the shoulder of M-29) I was gone for damn near 3 hours. But I'm extremely inactive.

I'll also admit that I spend more time in front of a computer than anything else. That's what I do. I'm not staring at the TV for hours on end, watching some ignorant show, like my mom does. I'm actually learning things, thanks mostly to wikipedia, and I'm reading and writing. Sure, I watch a few hours of Youtube a day and play the Sims 2 a lot, but I really do need to be entertained once in a while. Besides, in the Sims I'm usually being creative and building a house or something.

The whole event reminded me of an episode of the Simpsons I watched on Youtube last night. Cherry and Terry told Lisa she had a big ass and Homere confirmed it by telling her about how all Simpsons have large asses. He had the best intentions, but Lisa developed an image problem. I felt bad for her because she's really not that fat. She and Bart just have some baby fat left. That's all.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm in a much better mood today. So far at least. My mom's been kind of bitchy all day because my cousin is coming over tomorrow and she wants her to think we have a clean house or something. It's really weird. Anyway, I get to go to a bonfire tomorrow night at Steph's house. I'm pretty excited about that because I really like being around the fire. It's kind of relaxing. And I get to just hang out with some people. That's always good too.

Again With The Mood Swings

So my mom started taking cheap shots at me again. She'll do the same things: telling me to stay away from people like that, telling me how horrible it is, suggesting I date every female friend I have, even the little comments too. But it's different now. Even thought I thought she was trying to be mean before, there was always a part of me that thought maybe she didn't mean anything by it. But now the mask of innocence is gone and it really hurts.

How can someone who claims to care about me be so cruel all the time? It's not like I have anyone else I can turn to (except Jason, but that's different). I've been treated this way for as long as I can remember, but I didn't really notice because I thought it was normal. Sometimes I feel so unwanted and so unloved that I go to bed early just so I can crawl under the covers and cry without being disturbed.

I lay in bed for an hour in the morning trying desperately to go back to sleep because I just don't want to wake up. The only time I actually look forward to anything is when Jason is coming over because he makes me feel like I have the right to live. Nothing else really matters to me, not even filmmaking, because I'm always told it's a waste of time. It's hard to stay excited about something for very long when there's someone just trying to bring you down.

I really should take Sarah up on her offer and move out. But I can't. My mom is going through rough times and her best friend and her sister just moved away. She just lost her job too. If I just leave, she'll think I'm running out on her because that's just the way she is. No matter how important something is to me, she has to make it about herself. I don't know what to do. I really do need to get a job and leave, but I'm scared. It's just another opportunity I'm going to let pass me by.

The story of my life, I guess. I just don't feel like I'm going anywhere, and I don't feel like I can go anywhere. It's kind of shitty.

P.S. I might still work on the Ubuntu blog. I don't know. If I move out I'm not going to have access to the Internet or even a computer capable of running Ubuntu, so it looks like another dead end.

Snakes On A Motherfuckin' Plane!

I've been thinking a lot about some of the things I'd like to do. First off: a new blog. Not to replace this one, but a blog about something completely different. I've decided to make a guide for people who are interested in trying out Ubuntu Linux because I started using Ubuntu not too long back (I'm still technically a n00b), and I really think I could help people.

I also want to write a book. It's one of the forms of media I haven't really dabbled in yet, and I think it's time. At first I was thinking of writing something computer related, maybe a supplement to the other Ubuntu blog. Then I decided against it for a few reasons: 1) Computer related books have a high rate of piracy, naturally due to the Internet. 2) The computer section at bookstores is flooded with well known authors such as Leo Laporte and the O'Riely publishers. 3) I have no expertise in any fields, and therefore no one would have any reason to take me seriously.

I've already been working slowly on both my Daria fanfilm and the film I have in post. They're both coming along so slowly because I'm out of creativity. I don't know how it happened, but I just can't come up with anything. It's really annoying. I'm pretty sure I've typed those exact sentences here too. See, I can't even make a blog post interesting. That could be because most of the drama is gone though.

I also want to make a series of parodies of "Snakes on a Plane" because the whole premise is just ridiculous. I want to start with "Snakes on a Plain" and slowly move up toward "A Few Good Snakes" and, "The Snake and Mrs. Jones." For anyone not giggling, note that "The Devil and Mrs. Jones" is a pornographic film that my mom mentions occasionally. Apparently she saw it in a theater in Alabama when she was in her 20's or something. How Disturbing.

Oh, and I'm considering moving in with a friend in Port Huron. It would be a great opportunity to finally get a job, and she'd cover rent until I got one, but I don't know. For some reason I feel guilty for wanting to leave. My mom's sister and best friend just moved across the country and it's all I hear about. I would just feel bad because she might need something and there would be no one here to help. And I don't know if I'm ready to just move in with someone I hardly know in a somewhat foreign city and not have anyone around to fall back on.

But on the other hand I really could use a job. I have it all planned out. The day I move in, I hit the mall. Target, Spencer's, FYE, Dunham's, Hot Topic, Old Navy, the game store (I forgot the name), Walden's books, none of those places would pay that much, but it would be right in the mall and it's right by where'd I be living and I know it'd be cool in the summer and warm in the winter. Then there are all the places outside the mall: Barnes & Noble, Home Depot, Best Buy *vomit*, Staples (with Joe of all people), Toys R Us, Meijer, Wal-Mart, and dozens of smaller shops and fast food places. All of these places would be less than a mile away if I took her up on her offer.

I don't know what to do and Jason won't give me any advice. I don't really want any anyway, so that actually worked out pretty well.

EDIT: If anyone wants to check out the basic design for the Ubuntu blog check it out here. Basically it's just some links, but I also took out the About Me section so no one can casually track it to this blog. That wouldn't be good because I'm going to post the URL of the other blog on my myspace profile. If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.

A Fairly Dull Post

I've been busy working on a few little projects that aren't going anywhere. So I won't say any more about them. I've also been playing the Sims 2 a little bit. Just trying to make a sim rich enough to move into the house I built without cheating. It made me feel bad because I sent my sim to college and he graduated and got a job and lived happily ever after. Why can't life be that simple?

I'm also angry that I'm not allowed to tell anyone that Jason and I are friends because obviously that means we're gay. I hate her and her white trash family so much. I can't wait to get out of this lousy state and move somewhere I don't have to hold my head down in shame. Not shame of who I am or who I'm with, but shame of where I'm from. I hate to say this, but I'm actually ashamed of my entire family. If I can't change who they are I can at least move across the country.

Other than that nothing is going on.

Last.fm Ate My Baby!

NERD WARNING: This post is somewhat nerdy, but I tried to spare you from the technical details. Read at your own risk!

I've been playing around with Ubuntu today and I realized that I like AmaroK so much more than any of the Winamp style players. AmaroK is kind of like iTunes, only a Hell of a lot cooler. It interfaces seamlessly with Wikipedia to get artist information and it pulls down lyrics from some place or another. It also works with last.fm, but I'll get to that later. AmaroK has some other really nice features too, but I don't want to bore you too much.

I don't know if anyone else uses last.fm, but it seems like a really cool idea. It's a social site that tracks the music you listen to and can match you up with other people and that kind of thing. I'm confused on a lot of the details though, because the FAQ is really vague. If someone could explain it to me in some detail, that would be great. Of course, I could always just figure it out by playing around with it more. If anyone wants to add me, here's my profile. I'll add a link to my sidebar too if I get around to it.

I was going to stargaze this summer. Jason was going to join me one day, but neither of us ever got around to it. Actually, I completely forgot about it until I installed KDE today. Immediately afterwards I installed KStars so I could download some starmaps to my PDA like I did before. That reminded me that I need to find a good ActiveSync alternative so I don't have to constantly reboot into Windows. And then I need to get my Geforce card working better. Sigh, that'll just have to wait until another day.

In other news, I get to spend some quality time with Jason tomorrow. I'm excited. He just started school today and he's bummed out about it. I hope he had a good day because he really hates driving all that way. I'm sure something good must have happened today though.

Will You Be My Quinn?

I got my camera back today and it works again. I've been waiting 3 weeks to get it back and now that it's here I have nothing to film. I just hit a huge block.I was going to do this project and that project, but now I just don't feel like it. And I don't have anything to say to anyone who would listen. I do, however, have a more than a few things to say to people who I can't get across to. It's such a pity.

I've been thinking of doing a word of the day/week type of thing. I'd talk about words like: asshole, bigot, conservative, that sort of thing. I don't really want to rant even though people do tend to like that sort of thing. I was also thinking of making a series called How NOT to Raise Children. Guess what I'd discuss. Then of course I do have a few parodies in mind.

Which brings me to my fanfilm. When I finish the first scene I'm going to post it here to get some feedback. I'm sure a few people who read this watch the show. I know one of you who does. I'm excited about it even thought I have nowhere near as many resources as I need. Namely: actors who would be good representations of their characters. I have a Quinn in mind, and Jason or I could be Trent. I might be bringing Tom back (maybe to date Quinn...) and I need a Brittany and Kevin. And of course I need a good Daria.

I also realized why Ubuntu won't boot. My USB hard drive was causing a problem, I unplugged it, and everything works great now. I'm going to try to get things as close to the way they were as possible, down to every little detail in the theme. I think I lost my XMMS skin though. I probably deleted it when I decided not to use XMMS because it kind of sucks, but I found a great replacement app. I could always just plop one of my Winamp skins on it, but I really like my old skin.

And, oh yeah, I feel better now.

Raindrops Keep Falling In My Window

I don't know why I gave my blog the URL that I did. I haven't run Slackware in years, and I could never do it very well. I should have called ubuntugeek.blogspot.com. Oh. Nevermind that then. How about coffeegeek.blogspot.com? July 1, 2003? WTF? Delete your account and let your URL go. I guess I could have always taken windowsgeek.blogspot.com, but there's something just not right about that.

There's a carnival going on in my town right now called Maratime Days. I forgot about it until the fireworks show distracted me from building a house in The Sims 2. That's weird because I was going to walk by there today and I was a couple times within viewing (and hearing) distance, but I didn't pay any attention. I did go in my front yard and watch the show in the rain. The whole time I thought about Jason and how we should have been together. But I think he's probably at work right now.

Our gutters are clogged right above my window. Not only does water rush over the edge, directly into my window, but it makes this really irritating sound as well. It keeps me up some nights. I really need to clean them out before it rains again, but I'll probably forget. We don't have a ladder either. I did however cut Julie's lawn today. Heidi was home, but I didn't go in and talk to her for two reasons: 1) I didn't want her to ask why I was 2 days late and 2) I didn't really have anything to say.

I wrote a moderately good teaser for my fanfilm today. It's not that great and it's way too short, but there's a bigger problem on the horizon. The original show didn't have a teaser, so I'll have to move it up a little bit and turn it into a scene instead. Okay, I have to retype 2 lines in the scene header. That's all. Oh, and I have to find a reason for them to be poor, but I think I mentioned that before.

In case you didn't notice, I don't really have much to say about anything. Nothing interesting has happened in my life for a while. I hung out at Oakland University while Jason was in a meeting. That place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be and it has a pretty nice campus (at least the part I saw). Stephanie called me today and all I said was hi. I realy didn't have anything to say and now I feel bad for not saying anything.

What Have I Done?

I haven't blogged in a few days because I feel horrible. I did something extremely stupid last Thursday, which I'll regret for the rest of my life. I came out to my mom. Don't ask me why. I guess I just got tired of pretending I'm something I'm not, and I though it would give me someone to talk to when there's no one else. Boy, was I wrong.

Today I found out that she's not going to church anymore. Guess why. Ever since I told her I've felt absolutely horrible. And I feel really strange just being around. She's still occasionally making comments (in front of my dad). Somehow I feel like I've ruined her life or something. I don't know exactly how I feel. I just know I want to get out of this house more than ever. I need a job and I need to move.

That's another thing that's getting me down. All of my friends have jobs, some of them even have two. A lot of my friends are out on their own, moving on with their lives. Stephanie is going to attend Tennessee University, which is really cool and a great opportunity, but it means she won't be coming back to Michigan for a while. Jason, of course is going to New York for a few weeks, which is also a really good opportunity, and I'm really glad for him, but I'm terrified of being alone.

In other news I finally got GAIM to work on my computer. I was going to show my mom how to use Yahoo! Messenger and the software didn't work. But the good news is that I got it to work (along with my AIM account) using my existing Yahoo user account under AIM. I don't know why I'm so excited about this. I just needed something to get all worked up about in a good way.

I haven't done anything constructive for about a week. I need to finish working on that short that I started so long ago. I need to write something new to make. I need to do something. I gave up on the podcast yet again, and I can't think of a single thing I actually want to do. I just know that I need to do something because I feel so lazy and worthless right now.

From Highland to Lawndale to This?

Today I was scolded for not being an asshole. My parents dragged me to my uncle's house and they were making fun of Mexicans. I didn't join in because I thought it was a stupid conversation that shouldn't have been taking place to begin with. My mom must have been embarrassed because she defended my silence by saying "Oh, he's just at that tender age where he's not prejudice." That really pissed me off because first, she's in no position to tell anyone a godamn thing about me, and second I don't go around hating people because it's the cool thing to do.

I take that back. I hate Christians. They're all the same. They preach about love and then participate in every form of discrimination there is. They're mean, vindictive, back stabbing, and horribly boring. They try to convert people to their ways all the time, even against their will. They have all these bizarre rules they all claim to live by even though most Christians ignore them anyway.

For a few days I've been wanting to write a parody of one of the best television shows ever: Daria. But I didn't really know what I wanted to write about and I don't have access to any school facilities, so then I had an even better idea. While I was looking at some fanfiction I though how great it'd be to make a fanfilm instead. So I decided that would be my next big project.

The show is going to take place after the official series ends and after Daria graduates from college. Daria and Jane are going to room in a small house (because that's what I have access to) in yet another crappy town when Quinn (gasp!) gets kicked out of her house and is forced to bunk with them. It'll be a lot more exciting than it sounds. I'm going to try to involve as many of the characters as I can, but it is a completely new town, so they might not all be there.

Other than that I've been feeling really lousy the last few days. I was better yesterday, but today I'm starting to feel...resentment. I keep remembering all these fights my parents had. Most of the fights were about me and how they don't want to do this or that. I've also remembered many occasions where either one of them would attempt to buy my love with their cheap crap. I just get the feeling that I was never really wanted and it's starting to get to me.

Lately I've really felt like a failure. Not as a filmmaker, although that has a lot to do with it, but as a human being. I'm 20 and I'm in the exact situation that I told myself I'd never be in. I rely on two people who hate me and who I hate for everything I have. I'm also more socially confused than I have been in a long time. I just don't know what I want. And on top of that, all my friends have bigger problems than I do, so I can't really talk to anyone.

I've been talking to a lot of people who have had employment problems, but they all solved them. Either by moving, or just waiting until they finally did get a job, they all got jobs. I'm the only one of my friends who is still unemployed. To know how that makes me feel you'd have to know exactly how big of losers a lot of my friends are. It's not their fault though. I don't have the personality to hold the kind of job I'm qualified for. I guess it's my fault.

The other night I remembered that when I was a kid my parents would argue over who had to spend time with me. I don't remember exactly why I remembered this, I just know that it made me feel even worse than I already did. It's not exactly a good feeling to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on for anything would rather you not be there. It would have been so much better if they just both ignored me because then I'd have nothing to complain about right now.

I also have reason to believe that I'm a very unprofessional filmmaker. I was talking recently to someone (I'm sorry for this) about a project he wanted to do. We were talking about cameras and he said it was too unprofessional to shoot high-def digital on a $15,000 camera. I shoot standard definition, compressed video on a $500 (current price) consumer grade camera with no extra equipment, other than my tripod. I also couldn't get people to do what I, as a director, asked and people even laughed at me. The same person also told me I was very professional and I don't know what to think anymore.

I have so much more to say, I just can't say anything because I don't know how. There is just so much crap going on right now that I don't know where to begin or even what to write about. So I'm going to just wait for another day when I actually feel like going into it or something.

A News Update

Remember how I said my mom made me drink at the reception? Well now she's mad because I didn't want to. I just got lectured for not being an alcoholic. How many people can say that? If I would have just gotten drunk without her knowing she would have been pissed, but apparently I have to drink whenever she's around.

Note that I wouldn't be complaining at all if I wasn't a recovering alcoholic.

What's My Serial Now?

Sony finally got back to me after I contacted them yesterday. It turns out the it was in fact the CCD chip that was the problem. The good news is that it's a well known problem with this type of camera and that Sony will fix it for free. That means I don't have to go to Best Buy or anything. I just have to send it in. I do forsee a problem arising though.

When I first got my camera I removed all those little stickers that came on it. Apparently that was a mistake because the serial number was on one of them. Now I could be wrong but I thought the point of a serial number was to give a piece of hardware a unique identifying mark. One that can't be removed. What if I send it to them and they get mad because I removed the sticker and they refuse to send it back. Then I'll be really screwed.

But there is an upside. I have been wanting to look into photography for a while. With my (mom's) new digital camera I can do that. But I'm not sure where to start. Do I just go outside and start snapping shots? Or is there some method to it? Maybe I'll make a photography blog. Look forward to that if you're interested. Also, if you're looking for a good digital camera, the Canon Powershot A430 is a great choice. And if you feel that you really need that extra millions pixels, try the A530.

But right now I'm going to finish listening to TWIT, do my laundry, put on some better clothes, and go for a nice long walk. Enjoy your day everyone.

Sony Can Kiss My Ass

As many of you know my Sony MiniDVD Handycam stopped functioning recently. I played around with it Friday evening and everything seemed alright, but Saturday morning when I was supposed to be filming my cousin's wedding that wasn't the case. It no longer picks up a video image, only audio. And before you ask, yes I removed the lenscap, yes the exposure was all the way up, and no it wasn't a low light situation. It just stopped working. I think it's probably the CCD chip, but I'm no expert. I contacted Sony's customer service a few hours ago and I'm waiting for a response.

Other than that, nothing is happening in my life. The reception was a disaster for me. My mom forced me to drink cheap beer so her family wouldn't think I'm a pansy. Apparently being white trash is way better than being gay. Also she insinuated that I like anal sex. Fortunately that wasn't in front of her family. I got slightly drunk but not enough to really enjoy it.

I think I'll work on something for youtube today. Oh yeah, I can't. I probably wouldn't have anyway. I've had every opportunity to do something but I never get around to it. That's just me. Like the movie. I haven't worked on it in a few days and I don't know why. I'm also thinking of starting a blog just about filmmaking to go alongside my personal blog. But I don't know if that'll work because so much of my personal life is filmmaking. I got another book the other day. I don't know if I mentioned it yet but it's about screenwiring.

On a more positive note, I've been watching a lot of Daria lately. In case you don't remember it's a spinoff of Bevis and Buthead that aired on MTV in the early 90's. It's really funny because I can really relate to Daria's personality and how everyone around her is extremely shallow. Ah, good old animated television. Is it weird that all my favorite shows are animated? Daria, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Home Movies, and ATHF. Oh, and of course FLCL, but that's classified as anime, which I've never been a huge fan of.

I'm bored. I want to do something creative, but I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like playing any games either. I helped a lady with her computer today. It took 2 hours to explain how to transfer a picture from her digital camera to her computer and then email it. Argh. It's so frustrating when people don't know what they're doing. And she was trying to 'teach' me how to shop at some online warehouse store because it's oh so difficult. I think I'll cruise around youtube some more and talk to Steph. Hi Steph!

Can't Break What's Broken

Isn't it great when you live with a person who barges in on you while you're about to take a shower and then actually makes you feel guilty for locking the door? I think it is. Especially after spending 3 hours working your ass off because the said person refuses to clean their own godamn kitchen. It's too hot here to walk to the kitchen, but there I was running the vacuum cleaner, because the broom just wasn't good enough. The whole while someone was bitching and whining about nothing at all.

I also have some serious doubts about the movie I'm making. No, it's a short. I have to start calling it a short. Argh. We've already planned a screening and I'm nervous because there are 30 people on the invite list. I know only half (if that) of them will show, but I'm still worried people will get their hopes up. I don't want anyone to be disappointed and lose faith in me. I don't even know why they have faith to begin with.

I've also been having trouble finding out how to clean up the audio. As we know, my mic sucks. And I'm trying to make it visually interesting, but all I have are jump cuts. What was I thinking? Also, I need to get some establishing shots. That won't take long, but I really need to do it. I still have to figure out the best way to burn it, and I only have 1 DVD, so I'll have to get it right the first time. It's gotten to the point where I'm physically sick just thinking about the finished product. And the screening is still more than a month away.

I'm also not sure how to do the commentary, but that has to come after the screening because if the actors all watch it to do the commentary then it won't be new to them at the screening and they won't come. Marie already can't make it because she's in school in Arizona and all. I have to throw a bunch of outtakes together too, but that won't take long at all. My junk bin already has a ton of stuff in it.

But today hasn't been all bad. I did think of a quick little video project I can do tomorrow, so if I don't post anything by midnight you can all yell at me.

Rich Says: Chill Out Everyone

After watching the Simpsons for a couple hours, eating a sandwich (onions and cheese, yum) I feel a lot better. I don't know why I always do this to myself. I've just been trying to do so many things recently and I haven't ended up doing anything. Like that side project I'm considering doing. I've had every chance to do it, but I just don't.

The truth is, I'm afraid. But I don't know of what. Yes I do. I'm afraid of people knowing who I am. I'm afraid of letting people get too close. The only reason I feel comfortable enough to write in this blog is because I'm pretty sure only 2 people read it. I'm not complaining. That's the way I like it.

But Youtube works drastically different. The system is designed to get the content out there. It forces new videos on people, and I don't know if I want that. Do I really want to talk to the 12 million whatever people watch Youtube everyday? No. Well, yes. Maybe. I'm confused.

I don't know what I want. I think the idea of my family getting a hold of something of mine has been scaring me away. I'm already worried about my two cousins that are my friends on Myspace. I don't want either of my parents to see anything either. That's why I like this blog. My name's not attached to it. Yes, it has my picture off to the side, but you can't search using a picture...yet. I'm terrified of my friends getting closer to me only to disassociate themselves with me later.

But at the same time I need this. I want the social interaction. Look at all my personal links. It was my idea to join Myspace, Flickr, Youtube, and DeviantArt. It was my idea to start this blog. I want to communicate with people. I'm just not sure who. I hate having to keep things from people, but right now I need to do it and it's tearing me apart inside.

You have no idea how confused I am right now. Not even about being gay. That's not an issue anymore. It's being afraid to talk to people because they might find out and tell my parents. People keep telling me I need to tell everyone, but you don't know the situation. Are you gay 20 year old men with an entire extended family consisting of bigots and assholes? Wow, I never knew we had so much in common.

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm just frustrated with myself at the moment. I was really looking forward to seeing Jason because he always makes me feel better, so I allowed myself to get worked up just enough to still be in control. But Jason's sick so he's at home in bed. I'm not complaining and I'm not mad. I hope Jason gets over his food poisoning (it sounds like the Flu to me). I really hope he feels better soon.

Also, people have been taking my blog way too seriously. I'm not trying to make anyone mad or feel guilty or anything like that. Relax. If you do something that offends me, pisses me off, or hurts my feelings, I'll let you know personally. So quit reading so much into everything I say. Please? Or else I'm going to have to start another blog or something, but what kind of weirdo would do that? (I don't think you're weird "Mrs. W" I just don't want to have to do that.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm so tired right now, but I'm too strung out to sleep. I think I'll cruise around Youtube for a little bit.

One Month to Go

I'm having a screening of our movie at Stephanie's house. It was half way her idea to have it there, so now I don't have to ask Joe and Mike, which I was dreading. We might even have some wood for a bonfire. That'll be cool. I might even have a celebratory drink, I'm just not sure. I'd be more excited about his if I was having a better day.

I take that back. I had a GREAT day until just a few seconds ago. I really hate that bitch I live with. But we all know that already. I misaligned my door more than it already was today by slamming it. That was awesome.

I was also going to make a video blog entry despite not wanting to, but I couldn't think of anything to say and it was too hot and I just got fed up. I did do some major editing of the movie today and have been thinking about some bonus features. I don't really feel like doing anything now though. Maybe in the morning?

I Need a Mac

I was going to try something new on my blog today, but I've been talking to a few people about it and they didn't exactly react warmly. You've all heard me go on about how I want to make a podcast and I thought a videoblog would be sort of cool until I decided what I want to podcast about and if I want to continue doing video. I also wanted to make a show and stick it on Youtube. It would be sort of like I used to do when I would borrow Mrs. Coverdill's camcorder. I thought it would have been fun and it would have given me something to do.

It didn't work. It took me 40 minutes to film 4 minutes of decent video because I'm retarded and can't do anything right. Then it took me 3 hours of trying to get my damn camera to work with my HP. I reinstalled the software and driver so many times it's not funny. Finally I hooked my camera up to my 300 Mhz PC and it took forever to transfer the 4 minute clip. Then I had to stick it on my external hard drive, which also took forever, and then copy it to my other computer. I was going to use Vegas to edit it, but the program is slow as Hell, so I used Windows Movie Maker and it still took 20 minutes to crop 3 seconds off the beginning and end of the footage. And after all that I can't get a decent looking video out of it.

Did I mention I hate my camera? Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of hardware. I hate how it won't interface directly with my video apps. I hate how I need to use Pixela ImageMixer. I hate how even though it records in "video mode" the disc won't play back on any of my devices. I hate how I can't just stick the disc in the DVD drive and download the raw data.

I also hate every one of my computers. I don't know what's going on, but recently I've been losing touch with them. I can never get anything to work anymore and I don't know why. If it was just Linux I was having problems with I'd understand. But Windows 2000 on this computer keeps dragging ass all the time, especially when people come over and open a bunch of shit that doesn't need to be open and then complain about how slow it is. And the family computer, which I get almost no time on, hardly does anything anymore. I can't get my camcorder's software to work even thought I haven't changed a single thing since the last time I uploaded video from it. I guess it's just time to reinstall Windows.

This just seems like a lot of effort to put into something that people are going to think is stupid. Unoriginal is also a word that pops up a lot. Just because a million people post video on Youtube means that if I do it it's all of a sudden unoriginal. I'm sorry I can't afford a fancy host that doesn't have such a horrible stigma. No matter what I do I can't get it right anyway, so why bother? I don't want to put this much energy into something if people are going to think it's stupid and unoriginal. So I'm not.

Ibuprophen and Acetaminophen

I wrote a little bit today about two guys dealing with their lives together. It's a script I probably won't be producing for a very long time, but it has some really good potential. I like the concept and now I know how to write more natural dialogue, so hopefully it'll turn out better than my last film. I also talked to a few people on myspace, but nothing really important. I also hurt my back today moving a stupid box to try to get some more space in my room.

I've been listening to a really good podcast today called Linux Reality, and I really like it. I was thinking of making a Linux podcast, but I want to do something more original, which is really hard because I'm not an idea person. But I'll think of something eventually and when I do, this is the first place I'll post a link.

I beat Aria of Sorrow today. The ending was ho-hum, but I always find Castlevania endings a little dull. I'm almost finished replaying in hard mode (continuing with all my collected items and souls) and after that, I'll replay as Julius Belmont on hard mode. I played a little as Julius earlier and it's really freaking hard. It's just like the SNES games, only on a smaller screen. But the good news is that he can super jump from the beginning, so a lot of the map can be skipped, at least at the beginning. I'm curious to see how the cutscenes are going to work out and how the endings will play out.

I still can't figure out my file server, but I think I'm going about the problem wrong. At first I thought I had to add permission to the folder itself, but the Everyone group has full access to it. Instead I need to allow the other machines access to the server, but I have no idea how to do that in a workgroup environment. And I'm NOT setting up an Active Directory server for 4 computers. That would be a Hell of a lot of work and it would greatly degrade my network performance.

That's it. Nothing really interesting. I've been feeling better about things, but I do feel strange. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything no matter what I do. It's kind of annoying.

What's Up With All These Damn Browsers?

Right now I'm using a web browser called Flock to write this. It's kind of cool because it interfaces directly with photo sites, blogging software, and a ton of news sites. I used it to upload a few photos on flickr and it worked really well. Normally flickr is a pain in the ass because you have to go through a lot of steps to upload a single picture, but with Flock you can just drag and drop the photo into the top bar that contains your photostream. That is really cool.

I'm pretty sure Flock is built from Firefox because all my Firefox extensions work. It seems to run a little bit quicker than Firefox as well, but the interface isn't quite as clean as I'd like it to be. I'm not leaving Firebox for Flock, especially if someone makes a plugin to make flickr work so well. I'm just trying it out to see what's so great.

I also took a picture of a raccoon today because I thought it was cool. I'm used to living in the city where the only wild animals I ever saw were possums. Now I see all sorts of birds, cats (unfortunately, they're homeless), and other kinds of cool stuff. The picture didn't turn out so well though. It was a low light environment and I didn't use the flash because I didn't want Fuzzums to run away. Yes I named him (or her) Fuzzums. Note that the possum's name was Fuzzy.

I also did some gardening today, against my will. I'm not feeling that great and I've been slightly dizzy today. I hurt the ball of my foot on my mom's cheap Martha Stewart shovel and I twisted my ankle getting her a chair from the garage. Then after all the work I did, even though I was very dizzy and tired I took a shower, also against my will. I almost slipped and hit my head. That would have sucked.

Since then I've been drinking tea which isn't the greatest idea because now I'm all hyper. But I'm having a good time cuddling up with my pillow, imagining it's someone very important to me, and relaxing. Oddly enough, it's been a long time since I've just relaxed and not done anything at all. It's nice.