NERD WARNING: This post is somewhat nerdy, but I tried to spare you from the technical details. Read at your own risk!
I've been playing around with Ubuntu today and I realized that I like AmaroK so much more than any of the Winamp style players. AmaroK is kind of like iTunes, only a Hell of a lot cooler. It interfaces seamlessly with Wikipedia to get artist information and it pulls down lyrics from some place or another. It also works with last.fm, but I'll get to that later. AmaroK has some other really nice features too, but I don't want to bore you too much.
I don't know if anyone else uses last.fm, but it seems like a really cool idea. It's a social site that tracks the music you listen to and can match you up with other people and that kind of thing. I'm confused on a lot of the details though, because the FAQ is really vague. If someone could explain it to me in some detail, that would be great. Of course, I could always just figure it out by playing around with it more. If anyone wants to add me, here's my profile. I'll add a link to my sidebar too if I get around to it.
I was going to stargaze this summer. Jason was going to join me one day, but neither of us ever got around to it. Actually, I completely forgot about it until I installed KDE today. Immediately afterwards I installed KStars so I could download some starmaps to my PDA like I did before. That reminded me that I need to find a good ActiveSync alternative so I don't have to constantly reboot into Windows. And then I need to get my Geforce card working better. Sigh, that'll just have to wait until another day.
In other news, I get to spend some quality time with Jason tomorrow. I'm excited. He just started school today and he's bummed out about it. I hope he had a good day because he really hates driving all that way. I'm sure something good must have happened today though.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Will You Be My Quinn?
I got my camera back today and it works again. I've been waiting 3 weeks to get it back and now that it's here I have nothing to film. I just hit a huge block.I was going to do this project and that project, but now I just don't feel like it. And I don't have anything to say to anyone who would listen. I do, however, have a more than a few things to say to people who I can't get across to. It's such a pity.
I've been thinking of doing a word of the day/week type of thing. I'd talk about words like: asshole, bigot, conservative, that sort of thing. I don't really want to rant even though people do tend to like that sort of thing. I was also thinking of making a series called How NOT to Raise Children. Guess what I'd discuss. Then of course I do have a few parodies in mind.
Which brings me to my fanfilm. When I finish the first scene I'm going to post it here to get some feedback. I'm sure a few people who read this watch the show. I know one of you who does. I'm excited about it even thought I have nowhere near as many resources as I need. Namely: actors who would be good representations of their characters. I have a Quinn in mind, and Jason or I could be Trent. I might be bringing Tom back (maybe to date Quinn...) and I need a Brittany and Kevin. And of course I need a good Daria.
I also realized why Ubuntu won't boot. My USB hard drive was causing a problem, I unplugged it, and everything works great now. I'm going to try to get things as close to the way they were as possible, down to every little detail in the theme. I think I lost my XMMS skin though. I probably deleted it when I decided not to use XMMS because it kind of sucks, but I found a great replacement app. I could always just plop one of my Winamp skins on it, but I really like my old skin.
And, oh yeah, I feel better now.
I've been thinking of doing a word of the day/week type of thing. I'd talk about words like: asshole, bigot, conservative, that sort of thing. I don't really want to rant even though people do tend to like that sort of thing. I was also thinking of making a series called How NOT to Raise Children. Guess what I'd discuss. Then of course I do have a few parodies in mind.
Which brings me to my fanfilm. When I finish the first scene I'm going to post it here to get some feedback. I'm sure a few people who read this watch the show. I know one of you who does. I'm excited about it even thought I have nowhere near as many resources as I need. Namely: actors who would be good representations of their characters. I have a Quinn in mind, and Jason or I could be Trent. I might be bringing Tom back (maybe to date Quinn...) and I need a Brittany and Kevin. And of course I need a good Daria.
I also realized why Ubuntu won't boot. My USB hard drive was causing a problem, I unplugged it, and everything works great now. I'm going to try to get things as close to the way they were as possible, down to every little detail in the theme. I think I lost my XMMS skin though. I probably deleted it when I decided not to use XMMS because it kind of sucks, but I found a great replacement app. I could always just plop one of my Winamp skins on it, but I really like my old skin.
And, oh yeah, I feel better now.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Raindrops Keep Falling In My Window
I don't know why I gave my blog the URL that I did. I haven't run Slackware in years, and I could never do it very well. I should have called ubuntugeek.blogspot.com. Oh. Nevermind that then. How about coffeegeek.blogspot.com? July 1, 2003? WTF? Delete your account and let your URL go. I guess I could have always taken windowsgeek.blogspot.com, but there's something just not right about that.
There's a carnival going on in my town right now called Maratime Days. I forgot about it until the fireworks show distracted me from building a house in The Sims 2. That's weird because I was going to walk by there today and I was a couple times within viewing (and hearing) distance, but I didn't pay any attention. I did go in my front yard and watch the show in the rain. The whole time I thought about Jason and how we should have been together. But I think he's probably at work right now.
Our gutters are clogged right above my window. Not only does water rush over the edge, directly into my window, but it makes this really irritating sound as well. It keeps me up some nights. I really need to clean them out before it rains again, but I'll probably forget. We don't have a ladder either. I did however cut Julie's lawn today. Heidi was home, but I didn't go in and talk to her for two reasons: 1) I didn't want her to ask why I was 2 days late and 2) I didn't really have anything to say.
I wrote a moderately good teaser for my fanfilm today. It's not that great and it's way too short, but there's a bigger problem on the horizon. The original show didn't have a teaser, so I'll have to move it up a little bit and turn it into a scene instead. Okay, I have to retype 2 lines in the scene header. That's all. Oh, and I have to find a reason for them to be poor, but I think I mentioned that before.
In case you didn't notice, I don't really have much to say about anything. Nothing interesting has happened in my life for a while. I hung out at Oakland University while Jason was in a meeting. That place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be and it has a pretty nice campus (at least the part I saw). Stephanie called me today and all I said was hi. I realy didn't have anything to say and now I feel bad for not saying anything.
There's a carnival going on in my town right now called Maratime Days. I forgot about it until the fireworks show distracted me from building a house in The Sims 2. That's weird because I was going to walk by there today and I was a couple times within viewing (and hearing) distance, but I didn't pay any attention. I did go in my front yard and watch the show in the rain. The whole time I thought about Jason and how we should have been together. But I think he's probably at work right now.
Our gutters are clogged right above my window. Not only does water rush over the edge, directly into my window, but it makes this really irritating sound as well. It keeps me up some nights. I really need to clean them out before it rains again, but I'll probably forget. We don't have a ladder either. I did however cut Julie's lawn today. Heidi was home, but I didn't go in and talk to her for two reasons: 1) I didn't want her to ask why I was 2 days late and 2) I didn't really have anything to say.
I wrote a moderately good teaser for my fanfilm today. It's not that great and it's way too short, but there's a bigger problem on the horizon. The original show didn't have a teaser, so I'll have to move it up a little bit and turn it into a scene instead. Okay, I have to retype 2 lines in the scene header. That's all. Oh, and I have to find a reason for them to be poor, but I think I mentioned that before.
In case you didn't notice, I don't really have much to say about anything. Nothing interesting has happened in my life for a while. I hung out at Oakland University while Jason was in a meeting. That place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be and it has a pretty nice campus (at least the part I saw). Stephanie called me today and all I said was hi. I realy didn't have anything to say and now I feel bad for not saying anything.
Monday, August 21, 2006
What Have I Done?
I haven't blogged in a few days because I feel horrible. I did something extremely stupid last Thursday, which I'll regret for the rest of my life. I came out to my mom. Don't ask me why. I guess I just got tired of pretending I'm something I'm not, and I though it would give me someone to talk to when there's no one else. Boy, was I wrong.
Today I found out that she's not going to church anymore. Guess why. Ever since I told her I've felt absolutely horrible. And I feel really strange just being around. She's still occasionally making comments (in front of my dad). Somehow I feel like I've ruined her life or something. I don't know exactly how I feel. I just know I want to get out of this house more than ever. I need a job and I need to move.
That's another thing that's getting me down. All of my friends have jobs, some of them even have two. A lot of my friends are out on their own, moving on with their lives. Stephanie is going to attend Tennessee University, which is really cool and a great opportunity, but it means she won't be coming back to Michigan for a while. Jason, of course is going to New York for a few weeks, which is also a really good opportunity, and I'm really glad for him, but I'm terrified of being alone.
In other news I finally got GAIM to work on my computer. I was going to show my mom how to use Yahoo! Messenger and the software didn't work. But the good news is that I got it to work (along with my AIM account) using my existing Yahoo user account under AIM. I don't know why I'm so excited about this. I just needed something to get all worked up about in a good way.
I haven't done anything constructive for about a week. I need to finish working on that short that I started so long ago. I need to write something new to make. I need to do something. I gave up on the podcast yet again, and I can't think of a single thing I actually want to do. I just know that I need to do something because I feel so lazy and worthless right now.
Today I found out that she's not going to church anymore. Guess why. Ever since I told her I've felt absolutely horrible. And I feel really strange just being around. She's still occasionally making comments (in front of my dad). Somehow I feel like I've ruined her life or something. I don't know exactly how I feel. I just know I want to get out of this house more than ever. I need a job and I need to move.
That's another thing that's getting me down. All of my friends have jobs, some of them even have two. A lot of my friends are out on their own, moving on with their lives. Stephanie is going to attend Tennessee University, which is really cool and a great opportunity, but it means she won't be coming back to Michigan for a while. Jason, of course is going to New York for a few weeks, which is also a really good opportunity, and I'm really glad for him, but I'm terrified of being alone.
In other news I finally got GAIM to work on my computer. I was going to show my mom how to use Yahoo! Messenger and the software didn't work. But the good news is that I got it to work (along with my AIM account) using my existing Yahoo user account under AIM. I don't know why I'm so excited about this. I just needed something to get all worked up about in a good way.
I haven't done anything constructive for about a week. I need to finish working on that short that I started so long ago. I need to write something new to make. I need to do something. I gave up on the podcast yet again, and I can't think of a single thing I actually want to do. I just know that I need to do something because I feel so lazy and worthless right now.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
From Highland to Lawndale to This?
Today I was scolded for not being an asshole. My parents dragged me to my uncle's house and they were making fun of Mexicans. I didn't join in because I thought it was a stupid conversation that shouldn't have been taking place to begin with. My mom must have been embarrassed because she defended my silence by saying "Oh, he's just at that tender age where he's not prejudice." That really pissed me off because first, she's in no position to tell anyone a godamn thing about me, and second I don't go around hating people because it's the cool thing to do.
I take that back. I hate Christians. They're all the same. They preach about love and then participate in every form of discrimination there is. They're mean, vindictive, back stabbing, and horribly boring. They try to convert people to their ways all the time, even against their will. They have all these bizarre rules they all claim to live by even though most Christians ignore them anyway.
For a few days I've been wanting to write a parody of one of the best television shows ever: Daria. But I didn't really know what I wanted to write about and I don't have access to any school facilities, so then I had an even better idea. While I was looking at some fanfiction I though how great it'd be to make a fanfilm instead. So I decided that would be my next big project.
The show is going to take place after the official series ends and after Daria graduates from college. Daria and Jane are going to room in a small house (because that's what I have access to) in yet another crappy town when Quinn (gasp!) gets kicked out of her house and is forced to bunk with them. It'll be a lot more exciting than it sounds. I'm going to try to involve as many of the characters as I can, but it is a completely new town, so they might not all be there.
Other than that I've been feeling really lousy the last few days. I was better yesterday, but today I'm starting to feel...resentment. I keep remembering all these fights my parents had. Most of the fights were about me and how they don't want to do this or that. I've also remembered many occasions where either one of them would attempt to buy my love with their cheap crap. I just get the feeling that I was never really wanted and it's starting to get to me.
I take that back. I hate Christians. They're all the same. They preach about love and then participate in every form of discrimination there is. They're mean, vindictive, back stabbing, and horribly boring. They try to convert people to their ways all the time, even against their will. They have all these bizarre rules they all claim to live by even though most Christians ignore them anyway.
For a few days I've been wanting to write a parody of one of the best television shows ever: Daria. But I didn't really know what I wanted to write about and I don't have access to any school facilities, so then I had an even better idea. While I was looking at some fanfiction I though how great it'd be to make a fanfilm instead. So I decided that would be my next big project.
The show is going to take place after the official series ends and after Daria graduates from college. Daria and Jane are going to room in a small house (because that's what I have access to) in yet another crappy town when Quinn (gasp!) gets kicked out of her house and is forced to bunk with them. It'll be a lot more exciting than it sounds. I'm going to try to involve as many of the characters as I can, but it is a completely new town, so they might not all be there.
Other than that I've been feeling really lousy the last few days. I was better yesterday, but today I'm starting to feel...resentment. I keep remembering all these fights my parents had. Most of the fights were about me and how they don't want to do this or that. I've also remembered many occasions where either one of them would attempt to buy my love with their cheap crap. I just get the feeling that I was never really wanted and it's starting to get to me.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Lately I've really felt like a failure. Not as a filmmaker, although that has a lot to do with it, but as a human being. I'm 20 and I'm in the exact situation that I told myself I'd never be in. I rely on two people who hate me and who I hate for everything I have. I'm also more socially confused than I have been in a long time. I just don't know what I want. And on top of that, all my friends have bigger problems than I do, so I can't really talk to anyone.
I've been talking to a lot of people who have had employment problems, but they all solved them. Either by moving, or just waiting until they finally did get a job, they all got jobs. I'm the only one of my friends who is still unemployed. To know how that makes me feel you'd have to know exactly how big of losers a lot of my friends are. It's not their fault though. I don't have the personality to hold the kind of job I'm qualified for. I guess it's my fault.
The other night I remembered that when I was a kid my parents would argue over who had to spend time with me. I don't remember exactly why I remembered this, I just know that it made me feel even worse than I already did. It's not exactly a good feeling to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on for anything would rather you not be there. It would have been so much better if they just both ignored me because then I'd have nothing to complain about right now.
I also have reason to believe that I'm a very unprofessional filmmaker. I was talking recently to someone (I'm sorry for this) about a project he wanted to do. We were talking about cameras and he said it was too unprofessional to shoot high-def digital on a $15,000 camera. I shoot standard definition, compressed video on a $500 (current price) consumer grade camera with no extra equipment, other than my tripod. I also couldn't get people to do what I, as a director, asked and people even laughed at me. The same person also told me I was very professional and I don't know what to think anymore.
I have so much more to say, I just can't say anything because I don't know how. There is just so much crap going on right now that I don't know where to begin or even what to write about. So I'm going to just wait for another day when I actually feel like going into it or something.
I've been talking to a lot of people who have had employment problems, but they all solved them. Either by moving, or just waiting until they finally did get a job, they all got jobs. I'm the only one of my friends who is still unemployed. To know how that makes me feel you'd have to know exactly how big of losers a lot of my friends are. It's not their fault though. I don't have the personality to hold the kind of job I'm qualified for. I guess it's my fault.
The other night I remembered that when I was a kid my parents would argue over who had to spend time with me. I don't remember exactly why I remembered this, I just know that it made me feel even worse than I already did. It's not exactly a good feeling to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on for anything would rather you not be there. It would have been so much better if they just both ignored me because then I'd have nothing to complain about right now.
I also have reason to believe that I'm a very unprofessional filmmaker. I was talking recently to someone (I'm sorry for this) about a project he wanted to do. We were talking about cameras and he said it was too unprofessional to shoot high-def digital on a $15,000 camera. I shoot standard definition, compressed video on a $500 (current price) consumer grade camera with no extra equipment, other than my tripod. I also couldn't get people to do what I, as a director, asked and people even laughed at me. The same person also told me I was very professional and I don't know what to think anymore.
I have so much more to say, I just can't say anything because I don't know how. There is just so much crap going on right now that I don't know where to begin or even what to write about. So I'm going to just wait for another day when I actually feel like going into it or something.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
A News Update
Remember how I said my mom made me drink at the reception? Well now she's mad because I didn't want to. I just got lectured for not being an alcoholic. How many people can say that? If I would have just gotten drunk without her knowing she would have been pissed, but apparently I have to drink whenever she's around.
Note that I wouldn't be complaining at all if I wasn't a recovering alcoholic.
Note that I wouldn't be complaining at all if I wasn't a recovering alcoholic.
What's My Serial Now?
Sony finally got back to me after I contacted them yesterday. It turns out the it was in fact the CCD chip that was the problem. The good news is that it's a well known problem with this type of camera and that Sony will fix it for free. That means I don't have to go to Best Buy or anything. I just have to send it in. I do forsee a problem arising though.
When I first got my camera I removed all those little stickers that came on it. Apparently that was a mistake because the serial number was on one of them. Now I could be wrong but I thought the point of a serial number was to give a piece of hardware a unique identifying mark. One that can't be removed. What if I send it to them and they get mad because I removed the sticker and they refuse to send it back. Then I'll be really screwed.
But there is an upside. I have been wanting to look into photography for a while. With my (mom's) new digital camera I can do that. But I'm not sure where to start. Do I just go outside and start snapping shots? Or is there some method to it? Maybe I'll make a photography blog. Look forward to that if you're interested. Also, if you're looking for a good digital camera, the Canon Powershot A430 is a great choice. And if you feel that you really need that extra millions pixels, try the A530.
But right now I'm going to finish listening to TWIT, do my laundry, put on some better clothes, and go for a nice long walk. Enjoy your day everyone.
When I first got my camera I removed all those little stickers that came on it. Apparently that was a mistake because the serial number was on one of them. Now I could be wrong but I thought the point of a serial number was to give a piece of hardware a unique identifying mark. One that can't be removed. What if I send it to them and they get mad because I removed the sticker and they refuse to send it back. Then I'll be really screwed.
But there is an upside. I have been wanting to look into photography for a while. With my (mom's) new digital camera I can do that. But I'm not sure where to start. Do I just go outside and start snapping shots? Or is there some method to it? Maybe I'll make a photography blog. Look forward to that if you're interested. Also, if you're looking for a good digital camera, the Canon Powershot A430 is a great choice. And if you feel that you really need that extra millions pixels, try the A530.
But right now I'm going to finish listening to TWIT, do my laundry, put on some better clothes, and go for a nice long walk. Enjoy your day everyone.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Sony Can Kiss My Ass
As many of you know my Sony MiniDVD Handycam stopped functioning recently. I played around with it Friday evening and everything seemed alright, but Saturday morning when I was supposed to be filming my cousin's wedding that wasn't the case. It no longer picks up a video image, only audio. And before you ask, yes I removed the lenscap, yes the exposure was all the way up, and no it wasn't a low light situation. It just stopped working. I think it's probably the CCD chip, but I'm no expert. I contacted Sony's customer service a few hours ago and I'm waiting for a response.
Other than that, nothing is happening in my life. The reception was a disaster for me. My mom forced me to drink cheap beer so her family wouldn't think I'm a pansy. Apparently being white trash is way better than being gay. Also she insinuated that I like anal sex. Fortunately that wasn't in front of her family. I got slightly drunk but not enough to really enjoy it.
I think I'll work on something for youtube today. Oh yeah, I can't. I probably wouldn't have anyway. I've had every opportunity to do something but I never get around to it. That's just me. Like the movie. I haven't worked on it in a few days and I don't know why. I'm also thinking of starting a blog just about filmmaking to go alongside my personal blog. But I don't know if that'll work because so much of my personal life is filmmaking. I got another book the other day. I don't know if I mentioned it yet but it's about screenwiring.
On a more positive note, I've been watching a lot of Daria lately. In case you don't remember it's a spinoff of Bevis and Buthead that aired on MTV in the early 90's. It's really funny because I can really relate to Daria's personality and how everyone around her is extremely shallow. Ah, good old animated television. Is it weird that all my favorite shows are animated? Daria, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Home Movies, and ATHF. Oh, and of course FLCL, but that's classified as anime, which I've never been a huge fan of.
I'm bored. I want to do something creative, but I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like playing any games either. I helped a lady with her computer today. It took 2 hours to explain how to transfer a picture from her digital camera to her computer and then email it. Argh. It's so frustrating when people don't know what they're doing. And she was trying to 'teach' me how to shop at some online warehouse store because it's oh so difficult. I think I'll cruise around youtube some more and talk to Steph. Hi Steph!
Other than that, nothing is happening in my life. The reception was a disaster for me. My mom forced me to drink cheap beer so her family wouldn't think I'm a pansy. Apparently being white trash is way better than being gay. Also she insinuated that I like anal sex. Fortunately that wasn't in front of her family. I got slightly drunk but not enough to really enjoy it.
I think I'll work on something for youtube today. Oh yeah, I can't. I probably wouldn't have anyway. I've had every opportunity to do something but I never get around to it. That's just me. Like the movie. I haven't worked on it in a few days and I don't know why. I'm also thinking of starting a blog just about filmmaking to go alongside my personal blog. But I don't know if that'll work because so much of my personal life is filmmaking. I got another book the other day. I don't know if I mentioned it yet but it's about screenwiring.
On a more positive note, I've been watching a lot of Daria lately. In case you don't remember it's a spinoff of Bevis and Buthead that aired on MTV in the early 90's. It's really funny because I can really relate to Daria's personality and how everyone around her is extremely shallow. Ah, good old animated television. Is it weird that all my favorite shows are animated? Daria, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Home Movies, and ATHF. Oh, and of course FLCL, but that's classified as anime, which I've never been a huge fan of.
I'm bored. I want to do something creative, but I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like playing any games either. I helped a lady with her computer today. It took 2 hours to explain how to transfer a picture from her digital camera to her computer and then email it. Argh. It's so frustrating when people don't know what they're doing. And she was trying to 'teach' me how to shop at some online warehouse store because it's oh so difficult. I think I'll cruise around youtube some more and talk to Steph. Hi Steph!
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Can't Break What's Broken
Isn't it great when you live with a person who barges in on you while you're about to take a shower and then actually makes you feel guilty for locking the door? I think it is. Especially after spending 3 hours working your ass off because the said person refuses to clean their own godamn kitchen. It's too hot here to walk to the kitchen, but there I was running the vacuum cleaner, because the broom just wasn't good enough. The whole while someone was bitching and whining about nothing at all.
I also have some serious doubts about the movie I'm making. No, it's a short. I have to start calling it a short. Argh. We've already planned a screening and I'm nervous because there are 30 people on the invite list. I know only half (if that) of them will show, but I'm still worried people will get their hopes up. I don't want anyone to be disappointed and lose faith in me. I don't even know why they have faith to begin with.
I've also been having trouble finding out how to clean up the audio. As we know, my mic sucks. And I'm trying to make it visually interesting, but all I have are jump cuts. What was I thinking? Also, I need to get some establishing shots. That won't take long, but I really need to do it. I still have to figure out the best way to burn it, and I only have 1 DVD, so I'll have to get it right the first time. It's gotten to the point where I'm physically sick just thinking about the finished product. And the screening is still more than a month away.
I'm also not sure how to do the commentary, but that has to come after the screening because if the actors all watch it to do the commentary then it won't be new to them at the screening and they won't come. Marie already can't make it because she's in school in Arizona and all. I have to throw a bunch of outtakes together too, but that won't take long at all. My junk bin already has a ton of stuff in it.
But today hasn't been all bad. I did think of a quick little video project I can do tomorrow, so if I don't post anything by midnight you can all yell at me.
I also have some serious doubts about the movie I'm making. No, it's a short. I have to start calling it a short. Argh. We've already planned a screening and I'm nervous because there are 30 people on the invite list. I know only half (if that) of them will show, but I'm still worried people will get their hopes up. I don't want anyone to be disappointed and lose faith in me. I don't even know why they have faith to begin with.
I've also been having trouble finding out how to clean up the audio. As we know, my mic sucks. And I'm trying to make it visually interesting, but all I have are jump cuts. What was I thinking? Also, I need to get some establishing shots. That won't take long, but I really need to do it. I still have to figure out the best way to burn it, and I only have 1 DVD, so I'll have to get it right the first time. It's gotten to the point where I'm physically sick just thinking about the finished product. And the screening is still more than a month away.
I'm also not sure how to do the commentary, but that has to come after the screening because if the actors all watch it to do the commentary then it won't be new to them at the screening and they won't come. Marie already can't make it because she's in school in Arizona and all. I have to throw a bunch of outtakes together too, but that won't take long at all. My junk bin already has a ton of stuff in it.
But today hasn't been all bad. I did think of a quick little video project I can do tomorrow, so if I don't post anything by midnight you can all yell at me.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Rich Says: Chill Out Everyone
After watching the Simpsons for a couple hours, eating a sandwich (onions and cheese, yum) I feel a lot better. I don't know why I always do this to myself. I've just been trying to do so many things recently and I haven't ended up doing anything. Like that side project I'm considering doing. I've had every chance to do it, but I just don't.
The truth is, I'm afraid. But I don't know of what. Yes I do. I'm afraid of people knowing who I am. I'm afraid of letting people get too close. The only reason I feel comfortable enough to write in this blog is because I'm pretty sure only 2 people read it. I'm not complaining. That's the way I like it.
But Youtube works drastically different. The system is designed to get the content out there. It forces new videos on people, and I don't know if I want that. Do I really want to talk to the 12 million whatever people watch Youtube everyday? No. Well, yes. Maybe. I'm confused.
I don't know what I want. I think the idea of my family getting a hold of something of mine has been scaring me away. I'm already worried about my two cousins that are my friends on Myspace. I don't want either of my parents to see anything either. That's why I like this blog. My name's not attached to it. Yes, it has my picture off to the side, but you can't search using a picture...yet. I'm terrified of my friends getting closer to me only to disassociate themselves with me later.
But at the same time I need this. I want the social interaction. Look at all my personal links. It was my idea to join Myspace, Flickr, Youtube, and DeviantArt. It was my idea to start this blog. I want to communicate with people. I'm just not sure who. I hate having to keep things from people, but right now I need to do it and it's tearing me apart inside.
You have no idea how confused I am right now. Not even about being gay. That's not an issue anymore. It's being afraid to talk to people because they might find out and tell my parents. People keep telling me I need to tell everyone, but you don't know the situation. Are you gay 20 year old men with an entire extended family consisting of bigots and assholes? Wow, I never knew we had so much in common.
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm just frustrated with myself at the moment. I was really looking forward to seeing Jason because he always makes me feel better, so I allowed myself to get worked up just enough to still be in control. But Jason's sick so he's at home in bed. I'm not complaining and I'm not mad. I hope Jason gets over his food poisoning (it sounds like the Flu to me). I really hope he feels better soon.
Also, people have been taking my blog way too seriously. I'm not trying to make anyone mad or feel guilty or anything like that. Relax. If you do something that offends me, pisses me off, or hurts my feelings, I'll let you know personally. So quit reading so much into everything I say. Please? Or else I'm going to have to start another blog or something, but what kind of weirdo would do that? (I don't think you're weird "Mrs. W" I just don't want to have to do that.
Does any of this make any sense? I'm so tired right now, but I'm too strung out to sleep. I think I'll cruise around Youtube for a little bit.
The truth is, I'm afraid. But I don't know of what. Yes I do. I'm afraid of people knowing who I am. I'm afraid of letting people get too close. The only reason I feel comfortable enough to write in this blog is because I'm pretty sure only 2 people read it. I'm not complaining. That's the way I like it.
But Youtube works drastically different. The system is designed to get the content out there. It forces new videos on people, and I don't know if I want that. Do I really want to talk to the 12 million whatever people watch Youtube everyday? No. Well, yes. Maybe. I'm confused.
I don't know what I want. I think the idea of my family getting a hold of something of mine has been scaring me away. I'm already worried about my two cousins that are my friends on Myspace. I don't want either of my parents to see anything either. That's why I like this blog. My name's not attached to it. Yes, it has my picture off to the side, but you can't search using a picture...yet. I'm terrified of my friends getting closer to me only to disassociate themselves with me later.
But at the same time I need this. I want the social interaction. Look at all my personal links. It was my idea to join Myspace, Flickr, Youtube, and DeviantArt. It was my idea to start this blog. I want to communicate with people. I'm just not sure who. I hate having to keep things from people, but right now I need to do it and it's tearing me apart inside.
You have no idea how confused I am right now. Not even about being gay. That's not an issue anymore. It's being afraid to talk to people because they might find out and tell my parents. People keep telling me I need to tell everyone, but you don't know the situation. Are you gay 20 year old men with an entire extended family consisting of bigots and assholes? Wow, I never knew we had so much in common.
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm just frustrated with myself at the moment. I was really looking forward to seeing Jason because he always makes me feel better, so I allowed myself to get worked up just enough to still be in control. But Jason's sick so he's at home in bed. I'm not complaining and I'm not mad. I hope Jason gets over his food poisoning (it sounds like the Flu to me). I really hope he feels better soon.
Also, people have been taking my blog way too seriously. I'm not trying to make anyone mad or feel guilty or anything like that. Relax. If you do something that offends me, pisses me off, or hurts my feelings, I'll let you know personally. So quit reading so much into everything I say. Please? Or else I'm going to have to start another blog or something, but what kind of weirdo would do that? (I don't think you're weird "Mrs. W" I just don't want to have to do that.
Does any of this make any sense? I'm so tired right now, but I'm too strung out to sleep. I think I'll cruise around Youtube for a little bit.
Monday, July 31, 2006
One Month to Go
I'm having a screening of our movie at Stephanie's house. It was half way her idea to have it there, so now I don't have to ask Joe and Mike, which I was dreading. We might even have some wood for a bonfire. That'll be cool. I might even have a celebratory drink, I'm just not sure. I'd be more excited about his if I was having a better day.
I take that back. I had a GREAT day until just a few seconds ago. I really hate that bitch I live with. But we all know that already. I misaligned my door more than it already was today by slamming it. That was awesome.
I was also going to make a video blog entry despite not wanting to, but I couldn't think of anything to say and it was too hot and I just got fed up. I did do some major editing of the movie today and have been thinking about some bonus features. I don't really feel like doing anything now though. Maybe in the morning?
I take that back. I had a GREAT day until just a few seconds ago. I really hate that bitch I live with. But we all know that already. I misaligned my door more than it already was today by slamming it. That was awesome.
I was also going to make a video blog entry despite not wanting to, but I couldn't think of anything to say and it was too hot and I just got fed up. I did do some major editing of the movie today and have been thinking about some bonus features. I don't really feel like doing anything now though. Maybe in the morning?
Friday, July 28, 2006
I Need a Mac
I was going to try something new on my blog today, but I've been talking to a few people about it and they didn't exactly react warmly. You've all heard me go on about how I want to make a podcast and I thought a videoblog would be sort of cool until I decided what I want to podcast about and if I want to continue doing video. I also wanted to make a show and stick it on Youtube. It would be sort of like I used to do when I would borrow Mrs. Coverdill's camcorder. I thought it would have been fun and it would have given me something to do.
It didn't work. It took me 40 minutes to film 4 minutes of decent video because I'm retarded and can't do anything right. Then it took me 3 hours of trying to get my damn camera to work with my HP. I reinstalled the software and driver so many times it's not funny. Finally I hooked my camera up to my 300 Mhz PC and it took forever to transfer the 4 minute clip. Then I had to stick it on my external hard drive, which also took forever, and then copy it to my other computer. I was going to use Vegas to edit it, but the program is slow as Hell, so I used Windows Movie Maker and it still took 20 minutes to crop 3 seconds off the beginning and end of the footage. And after all that I can't get a decent looking video out of it.
Did I mention I hate my camera? Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of hardware. I hate how it won't interface directly with my video apps. I hate how I need to use Pixela ImageMixer. I hate how even though it records in "video mode" the disc won't play back on any of my devices. I hate how I can't just stick the disc in the DVD drive and download the raw data.
I also hate every one of my computers. I don't know what's going on, but recently I've been losing touch with them. I can never get anything to work anymore and I don't know why. If it was just Linux I was having problems with I'd understand. But Windows 2000 on this computer keeps dragging ass all the time, especially when people come over and open a bunch of shit that doesn't need to be open and then complain about how slow it is. And the family computer, which I get almost no time on, hardly does anything anymore. I can't get my camcorder's software to work even thought I haven't changed a single thing since the last time I uploaded video from it. I guess it's just time to reinstall Windows.
This just seems like a lot of effort to put into something that people are going to think is stupid. Unoriginal is also a word that pops up a lot. Just because a million people post video on Youtube means that if I do it it's all of a sudden unoriginal. I'm sorry I can't afford a fancy host that doesn't have such a horrible stigma. No matter what I do I can't get it right anyway, so why bother? I don't want to put this much energy into something if people are going to think it's stupid and unoriginal. So I'm not.
It didn't work. It took me 40 minutes to film 4 minutes of decent video because I'm retarded and can't do anything right. Then it took me 3 hours of trying to get my damn camera to work with my HP. I reinstalled the software and driver so many times it's not funny. Finally I hooked my camera up to my 300 Mhz PC and it took forever to transfer the 4 minute clip. Then I had to stick it on my external hard drive, which also took forever, and then copy it to my other computer. I was going to use Vegas to edit it, but the program is slow as Hell, so I used Windows Movie Maker and it still took 20 minutes to crop 3 seconds off the beginning and end of the footage. And after all that I can't get a decent looking video out of it.
Did I mention I hate my camera? Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of hardware. I hate how it won't interface directly with my video apps. I hate how I need to use Pixela ImageMixer. I hate how even though it records in "video mode" the disc won't play back on any of my devices. I hate how I can't just stick the disc in the DVD drive and download the raw data.
I also hate every one of my computers. I don't know what's going on, but recently I've been losing touch with them. I can never get anything to work anymore and I don't know why. If it was just Linux I was having problems with I'd understand. But Windows 2000 on this computer keeps dragging ass all the time, especially when people come over and open a bunch of shit that doesn't need to be open and then complain about how slow it is. And the family computer, which I get almost no time on, hardly does anything anymore. I can't get my camcorder's software to work even thought I haven't changed a single thing since the last time I uploaded video from it. I guess it's just time to reinstall Windows.
This just seems like a lot of effort to put into something that people are going to think is stupid. Unoriginal is also a word that pops up a lot. Just because a million people post video on Youtube means that if I do it it's all of a sudden unoriginal. I'm sorry I can't afford a fancy host that doesn't have such a horrible stigma. No matter what I do I can't get it right anyway, so why bother? I don't want to put this much energy into something if people are going to think it's stupid and unoriginal. So I'm not.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Ibuprophen and Acetaminophen
I wrote a little bit today about two guys dealing with their lives together. It's a script I probably won't be producing for a very long time, but it has some really good potential. I like the concept and now I know how to write more natural dialogue, so hopefully it'll turn out better than my last film. I also talked to a few people on myspace, but nothing really important. I also hurt my back today moving a stupid box to try to get some more space in my room.
I've been listening to a really good podcast today called Linux Reality, and I really like it. I was thinking of making a Linux podcast, but I want to do something more original, which is really hard because I'm not an idea person. But I'll think of something eventually and when I do, this is the first place I'll post a link.
I beat Aria of Sorrow today. The ending was ho-hum, but I always find Castlevania endings a little dull. I'm almost finished replaying in hard mode (continuing with all my collected items and souls) and after that, I'll replay as Julius Belmont on hard mode. I played a little as Julius earlier and it's really freaking hard. It's just like the SNES games, only on a smaller screen. But the good news is that he can super jump from the beginning, so a lot of the map can be skipped, at least at the beginning. I'm curious to see how the cutscenes are going to work out and how the endings will play out.
I still can't figure out my file server, but I think I'm going about the problem wrong. At first I thought I had to add permission to the folder itself, but the Everyone group has full access to it. Instead I need to allow the other machines access to the server, but I have no idea how to do that in a workgroup environment. And I'm NOT setting up an Active Directory server for 4 computers. That would be a Hell of a lot of work and it would greatly degrade my network performance.
That's it. Nothing really interesting. I've been feeling better about things, but I do feel strange. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything no matter what I do. It's kind of annoying.
I've been listening to a really good podcast today called Linux Reality, and I really like it. I was thinking of making a Linux podcast, but I want to do something more original, which is really hard because I'm not an idea person. But I'll think of something eventually and when I do, this is the first place I'll post a link.
I beat Aria of Sorrow today. The ending was ho-hum, but I always find Castlevania endings a little dull. I'm almost finished replaying in hard mode (continuing with all my collected items and souls) and after that, I'll replay as Julius Belmont on hard mode. I played a little as Julius earlier and it's really freaking hard. It's just like the SNES games, only on a smaller screen. But the good news is that he can super jump from the beginning, so a lot of the map can be skipped, at least at the beginning. I'm curious to see how the cutscenes are going to work out and how the endings will play out.
I still can't figure out my file server, but I think I'm going about the problem wrong. At first I thought I had to add permission to the folder itself, but the Everyone group has full access to it. Instead I need to allow the other machines access to the server, but I have no idea how to do that in a workgroup environment. And I'm NOT setting up an Active Directory server for 4 computers. That would be a Hell of a lot of work and it would greatly degrade my network performance.
That's it. Nothing really interesting. I've been feeling better about things, but I do feel strange. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything no matter what I do. It's kind of annoying.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
What's Up With All These Damn Browsers?
Right now I'm using a web browser called Flock to write this. It's kind of cool because it interfaces directly with photo sites, blogging software, and a ton of news sites. I used it to upload a few photos on flickr and it worked really well. Normally flickr is a pain in the ass because you have to go through a lot of steps to upload a single picture, but with Flock you can just drag and drop the photo into the top bar that contains your photostream. That is really cool.
I'm pretty sure Flock is built from Firefox because all my Firefox extensions work. It seems to run a little bit quicker than Firefox as well, but the interface isn't quite as clean as I'd like it to be. I'm not leaving Firebox for Flock, especially if someone makes a plugin to make flickr work so well. I'm just trying it out to see what's so great.
I also took a picture of a raccoon today because I thought it was cool. I'm used to living in the city where the only wild animals I ever saw were possums. Now I see all sorts of birds, cats (unfortunately, they're homeless), and other kinds of cool stuff. The picture didn't turn out so well though. It was a low light environment and I didn't use the flash because I didn't want Fuzzums to run away. Yes I named him (or her) Fuzzums. Note that the possum's name was Fuzzy.
I also did some gardening today, against my will. I'm not feeling that great and I've been slightly dizzy today. I hurt the ball of my foot on my mom's cheap Martha Stewart shovel and I twisted my ankle getting her a chair from the garage. Then after all the work I did, even though I was very dizzy and tired I took a shower, also against my will. I almost slipped and hit my head. That would have sucked.
Since then I've been drinking tea which isn't the greatest idea because now I'm all hyper. But I'm having a good time cuddling up with my pillow, imagining it's someone very important to me, and relaxing. Oddly enough, it's been a long time since I've just relaxed and not done anything at all. It's nice.
Friday, July 21, 2006
It's Friday and I'm Bored
I haven't updated in a while because I don't have a whole lot to say. I still don't know what to podcast about, I still haven't finished editing the movie, and I'm still unemployed. I did get a new digital camera today, and I posted a few pics of my animals on my flickr page. That's about it.
Oh, I've been playing Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow a lot. It's a great game, but there's a lot to do, at least for this type of game. First, there's the 100% of the map that's a huge pain to explore. Some of it consists of being imaginative and finding a way around a problem, and some of it simply requires attacking the wall until it crumbles. There are also souls to collect from enemies you've killed, which is an even bigger pain because your chance of absorbing the souls is completely random as far as I can tell. But nevertheless, it's a great game.
This made me briefly consider making a vampire movie. But then I realized I don't know all that much about vampires and I don't want to make three horror movies back to back. Not that a vampire movie (or a zombie movie for that matter) really has to be scary, but still. I really would like to make this kind of a movie, but I'm not sure what people would think of it. And I know I should be writing for myself, but I really do need to take the audience into consideration here.
I'm really happy with my new digicam. Technically it's my mom's, but I doubt she'll ever actually use it. It's a great camera. The pictures are really crisp and clear. I've never seen this kind of clarity from a digital camera, let alone one in this price range. By the way, it's a Canon PowerShot A340. Great camera.
So all in all, I'm having a good time. I have new gadgets to play with and I'm doing things (kind of). Did I mention I can't figure out Windows file sharing? I went to college for this for 2 years and I can't set up a simple file server. Well, I can set it up, but I can't get the other computers to connect to it. And I don't know why. I think I might go back to making it a Linux (Slackware, of course) box and learn Apache or something. But then I'll have to format my HD with NTFS and I don't have a place to dump the data. Maybe I'll just buy an internal drive for the server and use my good one as a backup like I originally planned. Why do all my files have to be so damn big?
Oh, I've been playing Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow a lot. It's a great game, but there's a lot to do, at least for this type of game. First, there's the 100% of the map that's a huge pain to explore. Some of it consists of being imaginative and finding a way around a problem, and some of it simply requires attacking the wall until it crumbles. There are also souls to collect from enemies you've killed, which is an even bigger pain because your chance of absorbing the souls is completely random as far as I can tell. But nevertheless, it's a great game.
This made me briefly consider making a vampire movie. But then I realized I don't know all that much about vampires and I don't want to make three horror movies back to back. Not that a vampire movie (or a zombie movie for that matter) really has to be scary, but still. I really would like to make this kind of a movie, but I'm not sure what people would think of it. And I know I should be writing for myself, but I really do need to take the audience into consideration here.
I'm really happy with my new digicam. Technically it's my mom's, but I doubt she'll ever actually use it. It's a great camera. The pictures are really crisp and clear. I've never seen this kind of clarity from a digital camera, let alone one in this price range. By the way, it's a Canon PowerShot A340. Great camera.
So all in all, I'm having a good time. I have new gadgets to play with and I'm doing things (kind of). Did I mention I can't figure out Windows file sharing? I went to college for this for 2 years and I can't set up a simple file server. Well, I can set it up, but I can't get the other computers to connect to it. And I don't know why. I think I might go back to making it a Linux (Slackware, of course) box and learn Apache or something. But then I'll have to format my HD with NTFS and I don't have a place to dump the data. Maybe I'll just buy an internal drive for the server and use my good one as a backup like I originally planned. Why do all my files have to be so damn big?
Monday, July 17, 2006
Yet Another New Project
Since I'm already in front of my computer talking to people, I figured I'd post something. First of all, see the below post. Second, I'm not going to talk about anything negative today. Third, I added a link to my Deviantart Gallery.
I'm thinking of making a podcast. I don't really know what I want the content to be about, but I'm putting some serious thought into it.I'm thinking either technology (i.e. computers), filmmaking (how not to make all the mistakes I do), current events (which I know nothing about), or just general (like the Rich Show). At the moment I'm kind of leaning toward technology because it's something I'm really interested in. That is why I originally started this blog, and labeled it slackgeek.
I guess I just want to give a new medium (to me) a chance. I've published a magazine, written more than my share of poetry and short stories, written a short comic book, produced a hour long show, and made a movie. I guess I just like to push my boundaries and contaminate a new venue. But I don't know. Everything I ever worked on had no more than a cult following (even my blog *wink*). I may be a bit selfish, but I want something more than that now.
Yes, I listened to quite a few podcasts today. I love Leo Laporte! And Kevin and Alex of course. I could do without that Heather girl, but she's funny. Patrick Norton's pretty cool too and Steve Gibson always has really good advice. I hope that someday I can be that popular and influential. But right now I'm just looking for something to do.
If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to comment. Don't be shy. Come on, now.
I'm thinking of making a podcast. I don't really know what I want the content to be about, but I'm putting some serious thought into it.I'm thinking either technology (i.e. computers), filmmaking (how not to make all the mistakes I do), current events (which I know nothing about), or just general (like the Rich Show). At the moment I'm kind of leaning toward technology because it's something I'm really interested in. That is why I originally started this blog, and labeled it slackgeek.
I guess I just want to give a new medium (to me) a chance. I've published a magazine, written more than my share of poetry and short stories, written a short comic book, produced a hour long show, and made a movie. I guess I just like to push my boundaries and contaminate a new venue. But I don't know. Everything I ever worked on had no more than a cult following (even my blog *wink*). I may be a bit selfish, but I want something more than that now.
Yes, I listened to quite a few podcasts today. I love Leo Laporte! And Kevin and Alex of course. I could do without that Heather girl, but she's funny. Patrick Norton's pretty cool too and Steve Gibson always has really good advice. I hope that someday I can be that popular and influential. But right now I'm just looking for something to do.
If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to comment. Don't be shy. Come on, now.
Dude looking for donations... willing to destroy his Xbox for them.
Hey everybody, do Kevin a little favor and donate a little bit to his 360 fund. He's a really cool guy and he just needs a break. If not for him, then do it for me (it'll make me feel like I acomplished something today). Thanks
This dude's birthday is in 2 weeks and he can't afford an Xbox 360. With each donation he gets, he is willing to do a website plug on 2 sites and destroy his old Xbox and provide a movie of him doing so.
read more | digg story
This dude's birthday is in 2 weeks and he can't afford an Xbox 360. With each donation he gets, he is willing to do a website plug on 2 sites and destroy his old Xbox and provide a movie of him doing so.
read more | digg story
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
:(
I haven't posted anything in a while because I've been feeling really lousy. CVS still hasn't called, and I don't think they're going to. I really, really needed that job. I need to get out of this house, away from that stupid bitch I live with, and move on with my life, but it just isn't happening. I never really wanted anything other than to just be out on my own where no one can tell me what to do. I don't need a lot of money because even though I have expensive tastes, I know I don't need all that shit. I just need to pay off what I already owe and then maybe invest whatever little bit would be left over from my checks after the bills get paid. That would be more than enough for me.
But no. I know I'd be disappointing everyone in my life. Not just my mom her retarded fucking family, but all my friends who expect so much out of me. Everyone seems to think I should just go back to Baker and get a job in computers, sitting at a desk all day answering tech support calls and reinstalling Windows five times a day. What people don't realize is that I do that every day. I don't like it, but I should do it anyway. It's the 'right' thing to do.
No one cares what I want to do. Everyone thinks I should go marry some bimbo (no disrespect to women) and get some shitty job that I'm never going to be happy in. I'd be sure to make lots of money, and that's all that matters to most people. And why shouldn't it? I mean, with everything cool being so expensive nowadays, why shouldn't money make me happy? I guess I'm just kind of sick hearing people tell me I should go back to college and that filmmaking is a waste of time.
But the thing is, they're probably right. I can't make a coherent short that lasts more than 15 minutes, let alone a feature film worth being paid for. I mean, even if I did get good enough to be a freelance director or an indie filmmaker, I'll never have enough confidence to actually go out and do it. Hell, I can't even deal with a small group of my friends. How the Hell am I supposed to actually make something that anyone would ever pay to watch?
And I'm sick of hearing about my cousin's stupid wedding. So he fucked some girl and now they have no choice but to get married. Good for him. I don't fucking care. I swear, my mom just uses it as an excuse to make me feel bad for being the way I am. She always does this right when I'm starting to feel good about myself. She just kicks me in the balls and shoves me in the road to be knocked around by whatever comes along. It makes me hate her and myself so fucking much.
I used to always blame me being this way for my depression, but I've seen pictures of people like me being happy. Now I don't have anything to blame and I'm all out of excuses. I'm just sick of being me. I don't know how to explain it very well because I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that it's not good because between the tears I have urges to break everything around me. But I do feel somewhat better since I sat down here, so I guess it's all okay.
Also, Jason had a bad day today too. I feel really bad because he's been having a rough time at work and he's all stressed out. I really hope things start to work out better for him because I hate to see him like this. It makes me really sad because he feels bad for feeling bad and then he just gets worse and worse.
So Jason, have a really good night and try to relax. I love you more than words can even begin to describe. Have a good day tomorrow and try not to let work get to you.
But no. I know I'd be disappointing everyone in my life. Not just my mom her retarded fucking family, but all my friends who expect so much out of me. Everyone seems to think I should just go back to Baker and get a job in computers, sitting at a desk all day answering tech support calls and reinstalling Windows five times a day. What people don't realize is that I do that every day. I don't like it, but I should do it anyway. It's the 'right' thing to do.
No one cares what I want to do. Everyone thinks I should go marry some bimbo (no disrespect to women) and get some shitty job that I'm never going to be happy in. I'd be sure to make lots of money, and that's all that matters to most people. And why shouldn't it? I mean, with everything cool being so expensive nowadays, why shouldn't money make me happy? I guess I'm just kind of sick hearing people tell me I should go back to college and that filmmaking is a waste of time.
But the thing is, they're probably right. I can't make a coherent short that lasts more than 15 minutes, let alone a feature film worth being paid for. I mean, even if I did get good enough to be a freelance director or an indie filmmaker, I'll never have enough confidence to actually go out and do it. Hell, I can't even deal with a small group of my friends. How the Hell am I supposed to actually make something that anyone would ever pay to watch?
And I'm sick of hearing about my cousin's stupid wedding. So he fucked some girl and now they have no choice but to get married. Good for him. I don't fucking care. I swear, my mom just uses it as an excuse to make me feel bad for being the way I am. She always does this right when I'm starting to feel good about myself. She just kicks me in the balls and shoves me in the road to be knocked around by whatever comes along. It makes me hate her and myself so fucking much.
I used to always blame me being this way for my depression, but I've seen pictures of people like me being happy. Now I don't have anything to blame and I'm all out of excuses. I'm just sick of being me. I don't know how to explain it very well because I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that it's not good because between the tears I have urges to break everything around me. But I do feel somewhat better since I sat down here, so I guess it's all okay.
Also, Jason had a bad day today too. I feel really bad because he's been having a rough time at work and he's all stressed out. I really hope things start to work out better for him because I hate to see him like this. It makes me really sad because he feels bad for feeling bad and then he just gets worse and worse.
So Jason, have a really good night and try to relax. I love you more than words can even begin to describe. Have a good day tomorrow and try not to let work get to you.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Sony is Ruining my Life
So, CVS hasn't called back yet. People keep telling me not to worry because it takes time, but Debby (the woman who interviewed me) said she'd call in a couple days. This is exactly why I never told anyone about my interview. Now if I don't get the job everyone is going to be disappointed. But I don't think anyone can be as disappointed as me. I really needed this job and somehow I fucked it up. Story of my life.
I got an email from Julie yesterday telling me how it's adorable being the way I am. I wake up every morning hating myself for that brief moment before I remember all the good things in my life. Every time I see my family they ask about my life and I can't tell them anything about it. Every day I hear at least one horrible thing about 'people like me' and it makes me doubt the value of my life. But apparently that's pretty damn cute.
It also seems that everyone I know is doing a Hell of a lot better than me. All my friends have jobs, some of them even have really good jobs. They're graduating from their colleges and going on to nice universities. (Neither of these things are directed toward you Jason) They're moving here and there. They're getting married and starting families. They're buying cars, and doing this, and joining that. And the only little piece of my life that I actually enjoy and am proud of, I have to keep hidden from everyone. That makes me feel like even more of a failure that I already did.
None of the above paragraphs reflect how I really feel, only my current mind set. I just tried to edit the beginning of my film. Let's just say it didn't go so great. I can't make a continuous stream of video out of the footage I have. No one is in remotely the same position consistently, no one gets their lines right, I don't have any of the shots I wanted (including close-ups), and the constant sound of the camcorder drives me crazy. I guess it's kind of my fault for not being a good actor. But if Joe would have just shown up and not been such an asshole, he could have done it himself. Oh, and it was his birthday. I wished him well because I would have felt bad if I didn't, though he probably never would have noticed.
And on top of that Sony Vegas is so slow! I switched from Adobe Premier because I thought it'd be a lot faster, but it takes forever to load a saved project. No kidding, it takes like five minutes. I really need either a 64-bit processor or a Mac. I'm hoping for a Mac, but at this point I'm lucky to have my AMD 2800+. Bummer, huh? Joe did offer to help with the editing, but I don't really trust him to do it, not that he'd ever get around to it. And I can't use his computer, but he has all these security measures (like a BIOS password and Windows and Ubuntu passwords) that I'm too lazy to circumvent.
But on the plus side....I bought a book yesterday. It cost the remainder of the little bit of cash I had, but it's about filmmaking.
I got an email from Julie yesterday telling me how it's adorable being the way I am. I wake up every morning hating myself for that brief moment before I remember all the good things in my life. Every time I see my family they ask about my life and I can't tell them anything about it. Every day I hear at least one horrible thing about 'people like me' and it makes me doubt the value of my life. But apparently that's pretty damn cute.
It also seems that everyone I know is doing a Hell of a lot better than me. All my friends have jobs, some of them even have really good jobs. They're graduating from their colleges and going on to nice universities. (Neither of these things are directed toward you Jason) They're moving here and there. They're getting married and starting families. They're buying cars, and doing this, and joining that. And the only little piece of my life that I actually enjoy and am proud of, I have to keep hidden from everyone. That makes me feel like even more of a failure that I already did.
None of the above paragraphs reflect how I really feel, only my current mind set. I just tried to edit the beginning of my film. Let's just say it didn't go so great. I can't make a continuous stream of video out of the footage I have. No one is in remotely the same position consistently, no one gets their lines right, I don't have any of the shots I wanted (including close-ups), and the constant sound of the camcorder drives me crazy. I guess it's kind of my fault for not being a good actor. But if Joe would have just shown up and not been such an asshole, he could have done it himself. Oh, and it was his birthday. I wished him well because I would have felt bad if I didn't, though he probably never would have noticed.
And on top of that Sony Vegas is so slow! I switched from Adobe Premier because I thought it'd be a lot faster, but it takes forever to load a saved project. No kidding, it takes like five minutes. I really need either a 64-bit processor or a Mac. I'm hoping for a Mac, but at this point I'm lucky to have my AMD 2800+. Bummer, huh? Joe did offer to help with the editing, but I don't really trust him to do it, not that he'd ever get around to it. And I can't use his computer, but he has all these security measures (like a BIOS password and Windows and Ubuntu passwords) that I'm too lazy to circumvent.
But on the plus side....I bought a book yesterday. It cost the remainder of the little bit of cash I had, but it's about filmmaking.
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