Easter '09

I'm not blogging on holidays anymore. It's not fair to everyone who enjoys them. If you want to know how I'm feeling, just look back to a previous holiday. Like Christmas 2006. I will continue bitching on Twitter and Myspace, though. Sorry about that.

Hooray for Monday

I've been working a lot of hours since I last blogged. We've got ridiculous new policies at work, and some of them are really starting to be cumbersome. I've also been doing a lot for other people, especially on my days off, which has really been wearing me down. By the time I do everything for everyone else and relax a little, I don't have time to do any of the things I need to do, like start writing for Script Frenzy.

I replaced all the light bulbs in our house with CFLs. That cost a lot with them being $3.50 a bulb, needing to buy 2 toggle switches (to replace dimmers), and a faceplate, but it was something I just wanted to do. I also had to buy a hooded litter box for my cat, food and bedding for my rats, and a waste rake for my mom's dog, who shits all over our driveway. That was realy annoying, considering I've been paying $400 a month on my credit cards since I moved back in, but am still less than $100 from my limit. Gotta love living with cheap motherfuckers.

I really want to pay off my balance before I go back to school this year. I've already applied for financial aid, but I'm going to need to submit the correction form because my dad apparently didn't do his taxes yet this year. If they don't give me anything again his year, I'm going to take out a loan at Chase. I heard they have low requirements, and I'm pretty sure I'll qualify on my own merits. I'm going to use a small portion of the money to buy a computer and put the rest of it in a student checking account at my bank, where I won't be tempted to spend any more of it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Nothing New

I really have nothing new to say. I feel like I did 2 years ago at this time: trapped in a place with people who I can't get close to. That's not a pleasant experience. I'm perfectly comfortable with myself now, but none of the people around me are (with the exception of a few close friends). My mom still makes mean spirited comments and I keep pretending everything is okay. The only difference is now I don't blog about it as much because it's not what people want to hear.

I'll blog again as soon as I think of something to say.

On Eating Healthy

Since I moved back into my mom's house I've been eating healthier. I stopped eating fast food and started buying more fruits, vegetables, and chicken. I stopped eating pizza rolls on my lunch break, in favor of fruit and yogurt. Ever since then I've felt like shit. I'm tired all the time and I keep getting sick. Who would have figured?

February

I've been working a lot of hours at work, so I really haven't had a whole lot of time to blog. I still wish I was getting about 10 more hours, just so I could finally pay off my bills, but I think 30 is good enough for now. I also think the new manager quit. I didn't like her, but I feel bad that she quit/got fired/whatever.

I'm getting behind in my reading. I still haven't finished The Tipping Point or The Ultimate Guide to Video Game Writing and Design, both of which I got last year. For my birthday Jason gave me The Black Hole war (quantum physics), and The Drunkard's Walk (mathematics). They're both really interesting books that I had considered purchasing, but never had the money. Then my parents gave me a gift certificate and membership card at Barnes and Noble, so I picked up four more books: The Zombie Survival Guide, Book of Lies, The Web Designer's Idea Book, and a nice coffee table book about graffiti. I think I'll be set on reading materials for a while.

I still haven't fixed the wipers in my car. I bought a wiper motor and thought it would be a pretty straightforward installation, but I was wrong. It looks like I'm going to have to remove the mounting bracket along with the motor (because it bolts in from the side that's inaccessible), but I'm not really sure how to do it. I've been trying to get it in to the local mechanic for two weeks, but he keeps telling me to come back the next day. That's kind of bullshit when I work every day and can't otherwise get there. I'm not paying another $80 for him to install it when he can't do it when I need it, so I ordered the repair manual for my car from the Port Huron library so I can do it myself.

I've been playing a lot of new games, namely Age of Empires 3. For the time being I'm stuck with PC games because I don't have a TV to use with my PS2 (which is on it's last legs anyway). The problem with playing a lot of PC games is that they take up a lot of hard drive space, and 70 gigs runs out pretty quickly, especially when I need to download a lot of other files and play multiple neighborhoods in The Sims. I'd really like to get a 500 gig IDE drive, which are pretty cheap, but I don't really have the money available.

There was a point (just after my tax return came in) that I did have the money and planned on buying the drive, but Fred and George were quickly outgrowing their cage, so I bought them a new one. It's 30" tall, has 3 platforms with ramps between them, a built in water bowl (so they don't spill it and don't have to drink from the bottle), and a hammock. I also picked up some new treats, but like the rest of their treats, they don't like them. They do like dog toys, though.

Home Again

Maybe if my mom didn't fuck me every chance she got I'd trust her enough to tell her I'm in a committed relationship with Jason. Maybe if she cared more about how I feel than what her family says behind MY back I'd respect her enough to be honest. But, no. It's the same old shit. I've moved back in yesterday and things are already back to the way they were before.

Fuck this shit. I'm going to look for a full time job so I can afford to rent some shitty apartment in a shady area somewhere. I'll be worn out, overworked, and miserable, but at least I won't have to deal with as many personal attacks all the time. Fucking wonderful.

Something in 2009

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me!

My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

* What I create will be with you in mind.

* It'll be done sometime this year (2009)

* You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be something written, some physical thing made, could be anything at all, but I will make it myself. It's entirely my choice what it is. No quibbles, no refunds.

* I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch?

Oh, the catch is that you put this in your blog as well. If you don't.. You don't get anything.

Will Someone Please Fucking Shoot Me Already?

We have a new operations manager (second in command) at work. I don't think she likes me much. On Monday she announced that some of the oscar tanks were dirty, which apparently means 'clean them now.' I would have cleaned them if I wasn't already swamped doing stuff like, I don't know, my fucking job. It's bad enough that I was opening birds, with extra instructions because of mites, but I was also working with Anne who doesn't get her shit done on Mondays because she takes fucking forever filling out paperwork.

On Wednesday, she asked me if I was going to clean them before our DM came in. I told her it was the next thing on my list, which it was, after I finished what I was working on (again, my fucking job). It's exactly what I did when I finished opening that morning - spot clean the first 142 tanks. Apparently, she didn't believe me.

She didn't say anything to me, though. She told Jonathan something to the effect that I have an attitude problem. That really pisses me off because I've worked there for a year longer than she has, and she has the balls to come in and badmouth me. I work my ass off at this job fixing shit other people fuck up and doing everyone else's work so they can slack off. I work up to 12 hour shifts because everyone in my department calls in sick. I take on extra days whenever people need me to. I do work that's not even on the list because I know it won't get done otherwise. I don't need some new bitch to come in and tell me I'm not doing my mother fucking job.

I spent the last 3 days at my mom's house trying to build her shed. The one that I put on a credit card. The one that she's going to put her shit in so I can have a fucking place to sleep when I move back in. She promised she'd have it cleared out by the time I needed to move stuff, but I guess she still doesn't keep her promises. Sheds generally need to be built somewhere flat and level. Our shed is built on neither, and it's no longer square. That makes the holes in the roof panels not line up. Awesome, now I have to go back again this week to fix the fucker and try to finish it before I move out next week.

I also still haven't told her about Jason and me. I don't know how to bring it up, and she stopped asking. I feel really horrible about lying and don't want to fucking hide it all the time. I want to be able to put up the picture of us he gave me for out anniversary. I want to not have to minimize my email when someone walks in the room. I want to just be happy as myself, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to.

So I bought an 1998 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It's a nice roomy car, which I really like, but I've been having some problems with it.

First, the ABS is a little hyperactive. Every time I drive in the snow (every day since the day after I bought the car) the brakes make the most obnoxious clanking noise when I brake. Apparently, that's normal anti-lock brake behavior, to an extent. I don't have money to get them checked out, but I've been reading a lot on the Internet. It wasn't the noise that made me nervous, as much as the inability to stop. The solution: Pull the ABS fuse. Now I can control my speed in the snow without the brakes going retarded.

My wipers work on and off. Sometimes they seem to work fine unless it's snowing or raining. That's fine for really short trips, like home to work and back, but I'm about to move 18 miles from my job. That's not so fine. I replaced the fuse when I pulled the other one, and they seem to work again, but I'm not sure if it will last or not since it was an intermittent problem to begin with. The fuse I pulled didn't look blown, but it had some weird burn marks on it, which may be indicative of a much bigger problem.

The last thing is that my interior lights don't work. The door lights, the overheads, the gauge cluster back light, even the radio and gear selector/odometer light (when the headlights are on). I think the gauge cluster faintly glows, but it could just be my eyes. Either way it's kind of annoying. Also, I don't know how to fix that one.

It's also costing me more money than I really have, even though I got a pretty good deal and didn't have to pay sales tax (because the dealership was desperate to make a sale). My insurance only comes up to $147, which is a Hell of a lot less than I was expecting. Gas is another concern. Since it's such a big car, it doesn't really handle fuel very well, people also weren't really worried about fuel economy in the 90's either. I wonder how much it would cost to convert to biodesiel.

I decided I don't need to purchase a particularly nice car. I've been looking at an '04 Impala for about $6,500 in Port Huron. I really want it because it's reliable, powerful, comfortable, and comes with some nice features. It's all around a great car. But it's not the car I'm going to get.

A lot in Marine City has a '95 Cavalier for about $1600. It's not as powerful or comfortable, and it's got 170,000 miles. But at $160 a month I could have it paid off in a year and still afford my insurance and credit card payments. That's what I need right now, so that's what I'm leaning toward. That is, of course, if they give me financing with no money down.

2009

So, my resolutions are as follows:

To be more proactive to my happiness.
To eat less junk food.
To exercise more.

That's it. Happy New Years everyone.

On Second Thoguht

I totally changed my mind about what I want for Christmas this year.

What I'd really like is to finally be done with the transition of being completely comfortable with myself. All this time I was hoping for the people around me to get over it, but I realized something: I'm always going to be around new people, and I can't spend my entire life wishing for everyone else to be okay with who I am. I think if I was comfortable with who I am, I would care a lot less what other people think of me.

So I don't need my mom to accept me, Jason's parents to like me, any of my friends or family to accept me. I just need to accept myself and everything will start getting better.

That is the only thing I really want to come out of this year.

I Need to Start Getting More Sleep

I just applied for a small car loan at my bank which I would rather have done in person than online, but I'm running out of time and don't know how long it will take to process. I've been putting it off for a while because I'm afraid I won't get it. Without it, I won't have a vehicle and I'm moving 22 miles away from PetSmart in a little over a month. I know it's going to cost a lot to insure, fuel, and pay for, but I don't really have many viable alternatives right now.

I could try to find a super cheap apartment that's withing walking distance from my job, but that's not really likely. The cheapest I recall seeing was $600 a month, which is way too much. That doesn't include utilities and Internet access, either. Of course, I might be able to find something cheaper more toward the Mt. Clemens area, but there are two problems with that: I don't want to live in an area that's any less safe than where I live now, and I'd have to find a job that will pay me enough to live on right away.

I'm just in kind of a shitty situation right now and I don't know what to do so I stay up most of the night worrying about it. That makes it hard to work 6 to noon without feeling run down by the time I leave. And that makes it hard to create the illusion that everything is okay. And that makes me feel bad for making everyone else feel worse.

Just Another Average Post

I feel like I always let everyone down. My mom needs me to help her move all the shit from her garage by Friday (which we had been doing before her car broke down), but I don't really have a way to get there. I feel like it's sort of my fault because I've been putting off some of the bigger things and now that it needs to get done, I still don't have a car. I don't even know if I'll be able to make it there for Christmas because work might be retarded and schedule me at 6AM the day after.

That's just one of the ways the holidays have me run down. Of course, I've been working extra hours at work, taking on peoples' hours when I can, and getting a lot less sleep (which is really something considering how little sleep I normally get). But, all that doesn't really matter. I've spent all the money I have available to me. That keeps me up at night, worrying about how big of a dent my week in Tennessee is going to make on January's rent and my Mastercard. On top of that, I still don't know if I'm going to be able to get a loan for a car or find a really crappy one for the amount of money I still have in my savings.

But Christmas is wonderful, so I'm not supposed to be unhappy.

Christmas 2008

Since Black Friday marks the first day of Christmas I thought I'd share what I would really like this year. Some of them are pretty selfish, I know. My list is as follows:

1. To be free of debt

2. To be appreciated

3. To be surrounded by fewer idiots

4. To be loved for who I really am

5. For all my friends to get along together

6. Some kind of purpose for life

7. A little confidence

8. The ability to focus

9. For my parents to accept me

10. To live in a world with less conflict

I Think I Need a Vacation from Life

I paid Connie a visit yesterday. There was a network problem with her husband's computer (which Jason and I couldn't figure out), and she needed to copy a large amount of data between two USB hard drives. 375 gigs is a lot of data to move between two drives on the same interface, so I think it'll take a few days. She gave me a printer though, which I've been needing for some time. Of course, now that I have it I don't remember what I needed to print.

I saw Julie too, but she didn't really say much. Luke asked me to build some space ships out of Lego's for him, which was really fun. I don't really get to build much stuff anymore. Which reminds me, I've been working on a new theme for my blog and myspace, but I'm kind of rusty at Photoshop, so it's been taking a while.

I've also been doing some (possibly the bulk) Christmas and birthday shopping. It was mostly books, but I got my mom some nice candles at Meijer. There's not much else I can say there. I checked out the Biggby Coffee chain, which was kind of pricey, but so much better than Starbucks. I just wish there was a location a little closer than Garfield and Hall.

Coming Out Part 42

When Heather (my manager) pestered me about my personal life a week ago, I realized just how tired I really am of lying to everyone. When I added her to myspace, I also sent a request to some of the people I work with who weren't already on my list. Doug, Jonathan, Rebecca. The people I see all the time and would consider friends (I don't dislike Jonathan like I did when I started working there). Myspace probably isn't the best way to come out, but I couldn't think of a better plan.

I'm glad that everyone took it well, even though it's really sad that the phrase 'took it well' is needed in the first place. Heather obviously didn't care and we still have conversations about Jason. Looking further into it, Rebecca hasn't logged into her myspace in a few months, but that's fine. It turns out Jonathan is gay too, so it's all good. Apparently he never would have guessed because I don't 'act gay.' That made me smile.

I went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno yesterday. The entire movie made me laugh. I would defiantly recommend it to anyone who laughs at dirty jokes. I've also been playing Spore. Even though I have a legitimate purchased copy (not necessarily by me) that had presumably been installed on less than 5 computers, I couldn't use it and had to acquire the game by other means. Nevertheless, it's still a very fun game worth picking up.

That's it for today on my hapy, happy, blog.

A Smashing Good Time

Yesterday I got to vote for the first time. That went well, except I had to get up at 7 am to do so. That wasn't so fun. Proposal 8, (rebanning gay marriage in California) went through, which is really retarded. @.@

While we were driving to Connie's house Jason turned down Rattle Run instead of Wadhams, which didn't really make that big of a difference because we would have gotten to our destination eventually. But then Jason made a right onto Palms (by my request) and turned around as soon as it turned into a dirt road. After that, Wadahms was closed, but Jason insisted that the sign was a lie. It wasn't, so we turned around again. Good times.

I spent this afternoon at Connie's, eating a nice dinner, fixing a few computers, and breaking some shit. She had a really old computer that she wanted to get rid of, but was worried about someone getting the information from her hard drive. The solution: a crowbar and an axe. Fun stuff. Dinner was really good, too. Dinosaur. Like Thanksgiving, only more pleasant.

Familiar Faces

Halloween was good. I stayed home with Steph and Jason and watched Halloween H20. I picked up some cheap vodka and some sort of cherry rum that didn't mix well with the Dr. Pepper. There were also 2 large party subs involved. The evening before I helped Steph's little cousin carve a pumpkin in exchange for some seeds. They were pretty good.

One of my managers has started asking me questions about my 'girlfriend' the other day. She first asked me how long I had a girlfriend a few weeks ago, after a particular event. Jonathan was standing directly behind me, so I didn't really say anything about it. The other day she asked me a number of questions that caught me off guard and again, I didn't correct her. I felt really awful about not saying anything, so I added her to my myspace. This morning she asked me about my boyfriend and we had a nice little conversation. Happy ending.

That's all that's really been going on. :)

I've Got a Funny Feeling We're All Born to Lose

I haven't done anything constructive since the last time I posted, hence there was no need to blog. I've been suffering severe bouts of on and off depression for the last few weeks. That's always fantastic. Last week I injured my arm in a horrific skateboarding accident. It still hurts when I rotate my lower arm, but it feels so much better than a week ago.

Sometimes I just want to be someone else. I don't care who, just anyone. I'm really dissatisfied with myself and my life. Maybe if I got out more and tried to do more constructive things I'd feel better. I don't know where to start, though.

There is nowhere I can apply myself, or I haven't found a place to. I want to do all these things with my life, but I have nowhere to start. I want to be a chef (not a short order cook), but I have neither the money to buy ingredients nor anyone to really cook for. I want to be a graphic designer, working on posters and similar media, but I don't have a subject. I want to be a filmmaker, but I have nowhere to just gather some people, pick up a camera and start shooting. I want to be a game designer, but I don't have a platform on which I could create something halfway decent without starting from scratch.