A lot of things have been going on recently. I’ve been hanging out with friends a lot lately. In fact, I’m at a friend’s house right now. Tuesday we finally finished filming thanks to Stephanie who helped out so much. I feel a lot better now that everything’s done. Everyone did a great job, except for Joe of course. Now I have to edit it all together and figure out what music I’m going to use. But that’ll be pretty easy.
Wednesday I hung out with Mike all day and we ended up walking to Big Boy around 3. I ended up watching Superman Returns, which is a great movie, at around 7:30. In the meantime we walked around Kmart and watched some Batman movie on a TV in the electronics department. That was fun. We also went in the Dollar Treasure and Tobacco Barn.
Yesterday I ended up going to Mike’s house in the morning and hanging out most of the day. Erica and I discovered ip-relay and learned a cool new way to prank call people. Then these guys came over and tried to get us to help him join his team and sell energy drinks. It looked good on paper and didn’t seem like too much of a pyramid scheme, in fact it looked like a really good idea. There was however a $500 start up cost and it’s not really something I’m interested in anyway.
Right now I’m hanging out with Steph watching Harry Potter 2, which I’m not a huge fan of, but at least we get to hang out one last time before she goes to Tennessee. She’s going to be gone until December and she’s one of the only people I really talk to a lot anymore. But it’ll be a change of pace for her and she’ll have a great time. I’m sure of it. I’m going to miss her though.
That’s really all I have to day. My mom was pissed off that I didn’t cook dinner tonight even though I thought she’d be working late. Then Jason and I ate the last of the cookies and apparently I should have made brownies to compensate for it. But I cleaned the whole house today. There was an entire week’s worth of garbage, dust, and dirty dishes, and I cleaned it all up. But I still should have done so much more.
Oh, but I also worked on the profile for Orange Ninja Films today. People are really starting to get excited about it, and I am too. I’ll add a link to the sidebar too. I’m ready to make another film, but I probably should finish this one up first. Now that’s all I have to say. Goodnight everyone and have a great few days until I post again.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Go Christopher Walken
A lot of things have been going on recently. First, I just saw the movie Click. I wasn't expecting a whole lot out of it, but it was actually really good (Christopher Walken makes a great Angel of Death). This is the only movie I've watched in the last ten years that has actually made me cry. I didn't say anything because I felt like a pansy, but I'm the kind of person Adam Sandler plays. Then it made me start to think about my relationship with Jason and all my friends and how I'm always afraid to go out and have a good time because it never gets anything done. Also, yesterday I found a friend's myspace music profile and he had a song that was about this same sort of thing and I'm starting to wonder if I'm wasting my life being so reclusive.
The movie I'm making. First, after repeatedly telling me he had Wednesday off and would be there, Joe canceled. I vaguely remember something about him owing his dad $30 and having to go to Belle Tire. I knew it was going to happen. Someone always cancels. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was only Joe, but he too Erika with him. I ended up taking over Joe's character, which was a nightmare because I didn't know the lines and I'm not an actor by any means. I had to completely remove Erika's character from the movie because we (that means Steph) couldn't find someone to play her. That pisses me off because even though it was a last minute addition, she was an important character because she helped convey just how much of an asshole the Joe's character is.
I've been having equipment problems. The microphone built into my camera is crap. The sound quality is subpar and it picks up the slight sound of the disc spinning. I need at least a boom mic for now, but a nice set of wireless clip-ons would be good too. The only thing is that I don't have any money and I already owe all sorts of people. My camera also crashed and ate one of my discs. Apparently there was a scratch on the disc I put in, so it got mad, came up with some error message, attempted to recover the data, and rebooted. Then I put in another disc, but I guess I didn't push down hard enough to lock it in place, even though it clicked, and the camera carved a nice semicircular gouge into it. Looking back, the disc that made it crash had an identical gouge, so it's not the first time it's happened.
I also never realized how horrible the dialogue was (honestly) until reading lines with Jason and hearing people say them aloud. And I don't know how to direct, so I'm really bad at it. I'm also bad at getting all the shots I want because I can see what I want in my head, but I can't get the camera to do it. While I'm at it, I'm a bad editor too. My hard cuts look really strange and I don't have a good shot of me punching Jason. I still need to get Jake to confirm he'll play Gordon and I need to film the rest of the movie on Tuesday.
I ran out of things to say and I forgot if there's anything else because now I'm multitasking and that's not good. Good night everyone and have a great tomorrow.
EDIT: I also learned that I can use the hosts file to block ads today. I never really thought about it, but it works great.
The movie I'm making. First, after repeatedly telling me he had Wednesday off and would be there, Joe canceled. I vaguely remember something about him owing his dad $30 and having to go to Belle Tire. I knew it was going to happen. Someone always cancels. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was only Joe, but he too Erika with him. I ended up taking over Joe's character, which was a nightmare because I didn't know the lines and I'm not an actor by any means. I had to completely remove Erika's character from the movie because we (that means Steph) couldn't find someone to play her. That pisses me off because even though it was a last minute addition, she was an important character because she helped convey just how much of an asshole the Joe's character is.
I've been having equipment problems. The microphone built into my camera is crap. The sound quality is subpar and it picks up the slight sound of the disc spinning. I need at least a boom mic for now, but a nice set of wireless clip-ons would be good too. The only thing is that I don't have any money and I already owe all sorts of people. My camera also crashed and ate one of my discs. Apparently there was a scratch on the disc I put in, so it got mad, came up with some error message, attempted to recover the data, and rebooted. Then I put in another disc, but I guess I didn't push down hard enough to lock it in place, even though it clicked, and the camera carved a nice semicircular gouge into it. Looking back, the disc that made it crash had an identical gouge, so it's not the first time it's happened.
I also never realized how horrible the dialogue was (honestly) until reading lines with Jason and hearing people say them aloud. And I don't know how to direct, so I'm really bad at it. I'm also bad at getting all the shots I want because I can see what I want in my head, but I can't get the camera to do it. While I'm at it, I'm a bad editor too. My hard cuts look really strange and I don't have a good shot of me punching Jason. I still need to get Jake to confirm he'll play Gordon and I need to film the rest of the movie on Tuesday.
I ran out of things to say and I forgot if there's anything else because now I'm multitasking and that's not good. Good night everyone and have a great tomorrow.
EDIT: I also learned that I can use the hosts file to block ads today. I never really thought about it, but it works great.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Wish Me Luck
So tomorrow is the big day. The schedule is set and the shots are planned. I've gathered all the props I'll need for tomorrow's shoot, but there are a few more I'll need for Friday.
First I'm going to Stephanie's house to film two scenes. On the way I'm picking up Marie and making a few last minute decisions. Then we're all heading off to East China Park to film two more scenes. If it rains, we'll just film one and I'll use the rain to bring out the gloominess of the main character's mood. After that we're all going to Water Street to find a place to film in front of a cafe. I'm pretty nervous.
I take that back. I'm extremely nervous. I've never gotten this far before. I've never even gotten a script finished before, so this is a huge leap. But I'm confident in the abilities of my cast, crew, and equipment. I just need to stop drinking coffee and relax. I think maybe I'll play some Toejam and Earl. What I'd really like to play is some Katamari, but I don't own it. Maybe I'll listen to the Katamari soundtrack as I play T&E.
I still have to do some hardcore work to do on the profile, but that can wait for a bit. I've been thinking about it and have a general idea of the details I want to include, but I can't seem to get it out. But I am excited about doing this. It's something I've wanted to do for four years and it's finally going to happen. I'd be even more excited if I was the one who got the ball rolling, but I'll take what I can get.
First I'm going to Stephanie's house to film two scenes. On the way I'm picking up Marie and making a few last minute decisions. Then we're all heading off to East China Park to film two more scenes. If it rains, we'll just film one and I'll use the rain to bring out the gloominess of the main character's mood. After that we're all going to Water Street to find a place to film in front of a cafe. I'm pretty nervous.
I take that back. I'm extremely nervous. I've never gotten this far before. I've never even gotten a script finished before, so this is a huge leap. But I'm confident in the abilities of my cast, crew, and equipment. I just need to stop drinking coffee and relax. I think maybe I'll play some Toejam and Earl. What I'd really like to play is some Katamari, but I don't own it. Maybe I'll listen to the Katamari soundtrack as I play T&E.
I still have to do some hardcore work to do on the profile, but that can wait for a bit. I've been thinking about it and have a general idea of the details I want to include, but I can't seem to get it out. But I am excited about doing this. It's something I've wanted to do for four years and it's finally going to happen. I'd be even more excited if I was the one who got the ball rolling, but I'll take what I can get.
Monday, June 19, 2006
It's Been a While
I've been putting a lot of work into the movie recently. I got the schedule all sorted out and confirmed almost everyone for Wednesday. I got my camera to work and dumped all the previously existing footage onto my hard drive. I even got one of my friends to play Gordon. I've been working on getting some really nice editing software, but it's got to be for Windows because my sound still won't work under Ubuntu.
I still have a lot to do though. I need to plan my shots and make a springboard. I need to make sure everyone's on the same page, and make sure everyone knows their part. I need to copy all my contacts and information from my sheet to my PDA. (I can never get any work done at all on a computer or electronic device, i know it's really weird) I need to gather up some music from local musicians who'd be willing to let me use their works. I need to make sure I have all the props I need and get an alarm clock I can break.
And after all that, I need to actually make the film. (I no longer consider this a movie, but film does imply that film was used during the process. But if George Lucas can shoot digital for the silver screen then so can I) That's going to be a pain. But an even bigger pain will be editing it because I'm a perfectionist. And I still don't know what to put on the filmmaker profile, but you can find it here anyway: www.myspace.com/orangeninjafilms. It's obviously not done, but it will be soon because I'm going to do it tonight (hopefully).
I posted another poem the other day too, but it wasn't nearly as controversial as the other ones. I've been looking at a lot of Jack Thompson quotes recently too. For some reason I just seem be drawn to all that is controversial (piracy, violent video games, sexuality issues, religion, that kind of thing). It's kind of fun but I always get into arguments with people because I always think I'm right. But so do they, and we argue about it.
On a lighter note, I think I just offended someone Swedish. Actually, the guy lives in the UK and he may have just been making fun of me. I'm just not sure.
I still have a lot to do though. I need to plan my shots and make a springboard. I need to make sure everyone's on the same page, and make sure everyone knows their part. I need to copy all my contacts and information from my sheet to my PDA. (I can never get any work done at all on a computer or electronic device, i know it's really weird) I need to gather up some music from local musicians who'd be willing to let me use their works. I need to make sure I have all the props I need and get an alarm clock I can break.
And after all that, I need to actually make the film. (I no longer consider this a movie, but film does imply that film was used during the process. But if George Lucas can shoot digital for the silver screen then so can I) That's going to be a pain. But an even bigger pain will be editing it because I'm a perfectionist. And I still don't know what to put on the filmmaker profile, but you can find it here anyway: www.myspace.com/orangeninjafilms. It's obviously not done, but it will be soon because I'm going to do it tonight (hopefully).
I posted another poem the other day too, but it wasn't nearly as controversial as the other ones. I've been looking at a lot of Jack Thompson quotes recently too. For some reason I just seem be drawn to all that is controversial (piracy, violent video games, sexuality issues, religion, that kind of thing). It's kind of fun but I always get into arguments with people because I always think I'm right. But so do they, and we argue about it.
On a lighter note, I think I just offended someone Swedish. Actually, the guy lives in the UK and he may have just been making fun of me. I'm just not sure.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Motivated Again
I'm going to start jogging today. I'm about to go out, so wish me luck. I'm also going to start working on my Rich Magazine website when I get back and hopefully have a basic page ready by tomorrow night. I'm motivated at the momeny, and I don't know how long it's going to last, so I'm starting right now.
EDIT: Fuck that. I'm going to play Resident Evil 4.
EDIT: Fuck that. I'm going to play Resident Evil 4.
I Hate My Friends (Some of Them)
One of my friends totally pulled a Danielle today. I can't go into any great detail here, but I'm pissed. I was looking forward to doing this one thing on the weekend. We've been planning it for 2 months, but suddenly it's not going to happen. I was even almost forced to break plans with Stephanie because I thought the two events were on the same day. Then I would have felt really bad because I would have been pulling a Danielle and it would have been even worse because I asked her to go.
I don't know what it is about me. There's just something that makes people avoid me. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about being the way I am. (I didn't even consider that until Jason brought it up) I don't know. All I know is that if all my actors back out over the next week, I'm going to be fucked. It's happened both of the other times I've tried to make a movie, why shouldn't it happen now?
I guess some of the actors are replaceable, but I only have a few possible options. People keep telling me that I have been productive, writing the script and all. But if I never film it, or if no one ever sees it, what's the point? I don't really call writing a hollow, mellow-dramatic, predictable script being productive. I know that there are going to be people standing there laughing and saying "I told you so." Or, at least one person. And we all know who that is.
I don't know what it is about me. There's just something that makes people avoid me. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about being the way I am. (I didn't even consider that until Jason brought it up) I don't know. All I know is that if all my actors back out over the next week, I'm going to be fucked. It's happened both of the other times I've tried to make a movie, why shouldn't it happen now?
I guess some of the actors are replaceable, but I only have a few possible options. People keep telling me that I have been productive, writing the script and all. But if I never film it, or if no one ever sees it, what's the point? I don't really call writing a hollow, mellow-dramatic, predictable script being productive. I know that there are going to be people standing there laughing and saying "I told you so." Or, at least one person. And we all know who that is.
Monday, June 12, 2006
I Want to Do Something!
I'm feeling really unproductive. I haven't really done anything since I got out of high school. I want to do something, I just don't know what.
I always wanted to help people. It makes me feel good and I just like it. The problem is I don't know how. I don't want to volunteer at the hospital because it freaks me out. I can't help people with their computers because I can't even fix my own (good thing I have three years of education toward it). I just don't know how to help anyone with anything.
I've been joking around about building a go cart. But who knows, I think it would be kind of fun. If only I had that kind of money. It wouldn't be all that expensive, but I'm flat broke. I'd definitely like to learn how that kind of stuff works though. I mean I can describe the workings of the internal combustion engine in detail, but I couldn't build one.
I also want to build a web site. I don't know what to make it about and I'm horrible with HTML, but it's still sitting on my list of things I want to do. Maybe I could make a web site to help people, but I still don't know about what. I'd have to be passionate about it and there are very few things I'm passionate about. And on top of that I don't have the money to buy a domain or pay for hosting. But I could host it on my spare computer and have people access it through my IP address. But that would be inconvenient.
I don't know what else to say. I think I have the flu or something, but my mom keeps telling me I'm fine and should be doing things. That's kind of irritating. But other than that, it's been an uneventful day. I rolled over on Schrodinger and sat on him twice because he keeps hiding under my covers. My mom kept telling me it's not funny. It really pisses me off when she does that.
But if anyone has any ideas as to what I could build, feel more than welcome to leave a comment!
I always wanted to help people. It makes me feel good and I just like it. The problem is I don't know how. I don't want to volunteer at the hospital because it freaks me out. I can't help people with their computers because I can't even fix my own (good thing I have three years of education toward it). I just don't know how to help anyone with anything.
I've been joking around about building a go cart. But who knows, I think it would be kind of fun. If only I had that kind of money. It wouldn't be all that expensive, but I'm flat broke. I'd definitely like to learn how that kind of stuff works though. I mean I can describe the workings of the internal combustion engine in detail, but I couldn't build one.
I also want to build a web site. I don't know what to make it about and I'm horrible with HTML, but it's still sitting on my list of things I want to do. Maybe I could make a web site to help people, but I still don't know about what. I'd have to be passionate about it and there are very few things I'm passionate about. And on top of that I don't have the money to buy a domain or pay for hosting. But I could host it on my spare computer and have people access it through my IP address. But that would be inconvenient.
I don't know what else to say. I think I have the flu or something, but my mom keeps telling me I'm fine and should be doing things. That's kind of irritating. But other than that, it's been an uneventful day. I rolled over on Schrodinger and sat on him twice because he keeps hiding under my covers. My mom kept telling me it's not funny. It really pisses me off when she does that.
But if anyone has any ideas as to what I could build, feel more than welcome to leave a comment!
Friday, June 09, 2006
Feelings, Friends, and Filesystems
I don't know why I let my mom get to me. I'm surrounded by people who care about me and out of all of them I listen to her. I'm just thankful I have my friends. Even thought most of them don't know it, they really mean a lot to me. They always comfort me and let me know I'm loved. And that is a really good feeling.
I do feel comfortable with myself again. I am who I am. I know that now and I'm not letting anyone tell me otherwise. I am still contemplating coming out to a few of my friends. They should know and they will eventually anyway. I just want to be able to be myself and not hide who I am. I deserve that and so do they. Most of them are pretty cool even if they do make a lot of derogatory comments.
If Denny (his name's actually Dan, I don't know why I gave him an alias before because he's out) can be their friend, then so can I. Also they're friends with this other guy named Brian who I'm pretty sure is gay too. So I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it's that once I do it, I can't take it back and it frightens me. This could be a huge mistake, and once I make it there are no do overs. But I think it'll all be okay. And just to be safe, I'll wait until after filming the movie to say anything.
But enough about that. It seems like that's all I ever think about anymore so here's something new: I was working on my computers today. I'm going to set up a Windows 2000 file and print server on my old computer because my external hard drive is formated with NTFS. And I just want to keep things simple and I know my way around Windows much better than Linux. But the second a better NTFS Linux driver binary comes out, I'm totally switching.
I upgraded from Breezy Badger to Dapper Drake (Versions of Ubuntu) yesterday and I'm not at all pleased. Sure it runs faster and looks better, but my sound stopped working. I think I have to reinstall the ALSA binary like I did when I ran Slackware, but it's a pain in the ass. (not the installation, just finding the damn thing) I'm also having a problem with my monitor's refresh rate. 60hz at 1600X1200 is completely unacceptable! And my CD burner won't work, but oddly, my new DVD burner will. (thanks again, Stephanie) Dapper did however come with the latest version of Firefox which is awesome because 1.0.3 kind of sucked.
Oh, but I have great news. I have a 10 year old Compaq Ipaq (MP3 player) that I've been having a problem with lately. It doesn't work like a removable hard drive, so I always had to install the driver and then Musicmatch Jukebox to get music on it. I tried just writing to the MMC, but the device uses a proprietary filesystem that I was unable to locate a windows driver for until today! It's a tiny little application that mounts the card and makes it a breeze to add and remove files. No more wasted batteries, songs that won't play, crashes, or reaching around to find the USB port. And most importantly: I can finally uninstall Musicmatch!
Once again I would like to thank my four best friends for being there for me when I was down. You know who you are. I really love you guys.
I do feel comfortable with myself again. I am who I am. I know that now and I'm not letting anyone tell me otherwise. I am still contemplating coming out to a few of my friends. They should know and they will eventually anyway. I just want to be able to be myself and not hide who I am. I deserve that and so do they. Most of them are pretty cool even if they do make a lot of derogatory comments.
If Denny (his name's actually Dan, I don't know why I gave him an alias before because he's out) can be their friend, then so can I. Also they're friends with this other guy named Brian who I'm pretty sure is gay too. So I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it's that once I do it, I can't take it back and it frightens me. This could be a huge mistake, and once I make it there are no do overs. But I think it'll all be okay. And just to be safe, I'll wait until after filming the movie to say anything.
But enough about that. It seems like that's all I ever think about anymore so here's something new: I was working on my computers today. I'm going to set up a Windows 2000 file and print server on my old computer because my external hard drive is formated with NTFS. And I just want to keep things simple and I know my way around Windows much better than Linux. But the second a better NTFS Linux driver binary comes out, I'm totally switching.
I upgraded from Breezy Badger to Dapper Drake (Versions of Ubuntu) yesterday and I'm not at all pleased. Sure it runs faster and looks better, but my sound stopped working. I think I have to reinstall the ALSA binary like I did when I ran Slackware, but it's a pain in the ass. (not the installation, just finding the damn thing) I'm also having a problem with my monitor's refresh rate. 60hz at 1600X1200 is completely unacceptable! And my CD burner won't work, but oddly, my new DVD burner will. (thanks again, Stephanie) Dapper did however come with the latest version of Firefox which is awesome because 1.0.3 kind of sucked.
Oh, but I have great news. I have a 10 year old Compaq Ipaq (MP3 player) that I've been having a problem with lately. It doesn't work like a removable hard drive, so I always had to install the driver and then Musicmatch Jukebox to get music on it. I tried just writing to the MMC, but the device uses a proprietary filesystem that I was unable to locate a windows driver for until today! It's a tiny little application that mounts the card and makes it a breeze to add and remove files. No more wasted batteries, songs that won't play, crashes, or reaching around to find the USB port. And most importantly: I can finally uninstall Musicmatch!
Once again I would like to thank my four best friends for being there for me when I was down. You know who you are. I really love you guys.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
I Fucking Hate Thursdays
Every Thursday my mom drags me to Port Huron with her.It's nice for the first few minutes, but it all goes downhill from there. She always asks why I don't have a girlfriend and suggests I date this girl or that one. She never does it in quite a nice way either.
She always says something along the lines of "You're not gay or anything are you?" It's really starting to piss me off because I feel like I have to jump through hoops to please the bitch. Today she asked me why I named the kittens the way I did and then she asked me "Why don't you like girls' names?" When I refused to show her my fortune cookie she said "What, does it say you're going to marry a pretty boy?" It really makes me want to die sometimes.
I swear she does it just to hurt me. It's pretty obvious that I'm gay. I'm not flamboyant or anything, I just show absolutely no interest in girls. I dated a girl once, but it never went anywhere. I don't talk about girls, I never have any girls over, I never look at straight porn on the Internet, and once she even caught me with gay porn. I denied it of course because I was a lot younger. I really thinks she suspects something and she's just fucking with me.
I don't take this shit from my friends, and I'm not going to take it from her. If one of my friends would have made the comment about marrying a pretty boy, I would have knocked him the fuck out. At least if he was being mean. I would laugh if it was a joke. But the point is that why should I listen to her go on and on about something that I can't control? Like I chose it? Like I just decided one day that I want everyone in the world to hate me and be the scapegoat for bombings and diseases that I'm not part of. That's what I want out of life!
EDIT: I forgot to mention that yesterday I felt completely comfortable with myself for the first time in my life and was even contemplating coming out to some of my friends. I don't want to lose them but I can't go on lying to people like this. I've been talking to some people about it and I decided it might not be such a terrible idea. But now I hate myself again. Thanks mom.
But on an upbeat note, I'm finally finished writing that damn script. All the revisions are in, they've been merged, and it's been distributed. I was getting so sick of it, and now it's done. But here comes the hard part: scheduling and location scouting!
She always says something along the lines of "You're not gay or anything are you?" It's really starting to piss me off because I feel like I have to jump through hoops to please the bitch. Today she asked me why I named the kittens the way I did and then she asked me "Why don't you like girls' names?" When I refused to show her my fortune cookie she said "What, does it say you're going to marry a pretty boy?" It really makes me want to die sometimes.
I swear she does it just to hurt me. It's pretty obvious that I'm gay. I'm not flamboyant or anything, I just show absolutely no interest in girls. I dated a girl once, but it never went anywhere. I don't talk about girls, I never have any girls over, I never look at straight porn on the Internet, and once she even caught me with gay porn. I denied it of course because I was a lot younger. I really thinks she suspects something and she's just fucking with me.
I don't take this shit from my friends, and I'm not going to take it from her. If one of my friends would have made the comment about marrying a pretty boy, I would have knocked him the fuck out. At least if he was being mean. I would laugh if it was a joke. But the point is that why should I listen to her go on and on about something that I can't control? Like I chose it? Like I just decided one day that I want everyone in the world to hate me and be the scapegoat for bombings and diseases that I'm not part of. That's what I want out of life!
EDIT: I forgot to mention that yesterday I felt completely comfortable with myself for the first time in my life and was even contemplating coming out to some of my friends. I don't want to lose them but I can't go on lying to people like this. I've been talking to some people about it and I decided it might not be such a terrible idea. But now I hate myself again. Thanks mom.
But on an upbeat note, I'm finally finished writing that damn script. All the revisions are in, they've been merged, and it's been distributed. I was getting so sick of it, and now it's done. But here comes the hard part: scheduling and location scouting!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Kinda Bored Today
My last post was probably a little melodramatic. I got a lot of feedback on it, which I'm really thankful for. I never intended to make people feel bad. I even made one of my firneds cry when she read the poem I posted on myspace. I do feel a lot better now that I've gotten it off my chest.
I've been taking the lsat couple days off because I've been doing a lot of stuff with my friends lately and I'm not used to it. It's hard to suddenly have a social life after years of being a recluse. I went to a boat race the other day and got completely sunburned, but I was there with Jason so it was ok.
I've been working with some people on Rich Magazine. I'm enjoying having other peoples' input and working with them on something constructive. But I'm the only one with a scanner, and I'm stubborn and insist on nothing but hand drawn art. It gives the magazine a special feel.
I'm also running out of time to work on my movie. I start filming in 2 weeks, and I still have to finish the script, distribute it, get the schedule sorted out, and figure out where I'm going to be filming. But other than that, it's coming along great.
That's it. I don't really have a whole lot to say, I just didn't want to not post anything for a few days. If you want to read the poem, it's on my myspace blog, but I'm to lazt to post the link. Just go to my profile and you'll find it.
I've been taking the lsat couple days off because I've been doing a lot of stuff with my friends lately and I'm not used to it. It's hard to suddenly have a social life after years of being a recluse. I went to a boat race the other day and got completely sunburned, but I was there with Jason so it was ok.
I've been working with some people on Rich Magazine. I'm enjoying having other peoples' input and working with them on something constructive. But I'm the only one with a scanner, and I'm stubborn and insist on nothing but hand drawn art. It gives the magazine a special feel.
I'm also running out of time to work on my movie. I start filming in 2 weeks, and I still have to finish the script, distribute it, get the schedule sorted out, and figure out where I'm going to be filming. But other than that, it's coming along great.
That's it. I don't really have a whole lot to say, I just didn't want to not post anything for a few days. If you want to read the poem, it's on my myspace blog, but I'm to lazt to post the link. Just go to my profile and you'll find it.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
My Monthly Rant
Why is it that every time I want something everyone has something negative to say about it? If I want to be a filmmaker it's stupid and a waste of time. If I want to use the firepit that's already in our back yard, it's too dangerous and I'm not smart enough not to burn the house down. If I want to have friends over, they have no business in our house. If I want to crash at someone's house for the night, only fags do that. If I want to make Rich Magazine, it's stupid and it'll get me in trouble. If I want to be an author, I'm not smart enough and I don't have anything worth saying. If I want to buy a 4 wheeler, I get asked why do I want to do that?
I think that's probably my most common heard phrase. I don't know why people think there's always an ulterior motive behind everything I want to do. Why can't people just accept that I have my own opinions. I like the things I like and if you don't that's fine. I don't care. I don't tell people going to church is a waste of time. I don't go around saying straight people should die. I don't tell people what to do or not to do because it's none of my business.
All I'm really saying is that there are a lot of people in my life and I'm trying to please them all. It's not working. Not even close. Why can't I just be who I am because it's who I want to be? Why should I have to be a million different things to a million different people? Frankly, I'm sick of it. If you don't like me, don't talk to me. I think I'll manage.
Before anyone thinks this is directed at them, let me assure you, if you're reading this because I gave you the URL, it's not. Honestly. All my good friends, all my real friends are great. I don't know what I'd do without them. I owe them a lot and yet I can never give them anything they need. I'm sorry. I really am.
I think that's probably my most common heard phrase. I don't know why people think there's always an ulterior motive behind everything I want to do. Why can't people just accept that I have my own opinions. I like the things I like and if you don't that's fine. I don't care. I don't tell people going to church is a waste of time. I don't go around saying straight people should die. I don't tell people what to do or not to do because it's none of my business.
All I'm really saying is that there are a lot of people in my life and I'm trying to please them all. It's not working. Not even close. Why can't I just be who I am because it's who I want to be? Why should I have to be a million different things to a million different people? Frankly, I'm sick of it. If you don't like me, don't talk to me. I think I'll manage.
Before anyone thinks this is directed at them, let me assure you, if you're reading this because I gave you the URL, it's not. Honestly. All my good friends, all my real friends are great. I don't know what I'd do without them. I owe them a lot and yet I can never give them anything they need. I'm sorry. I really am.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Mmmm Free Pizza
The other day I let my friend Stephanie read my blog because she gave me her URL and I already came out to her. It's a funny story because my myspace profile made her suspicious. I've told people that when people leave their orientation blank, it usually means they're gay. Jason's friend who turned out to be gay left his blank, and both Jason and I left ours blank. Jason keeps saying 'no, that's not what it means.' But it is. Reading that led Stephanie to ask in a roundabout way.
First she asked who I was dating. I asked her why she wanted to know and she said she saw me with a girl at Dairy Queen. We went back and forth for a little bit before I just told her. It turns out she felt like an ass for asking. She thought I was, which was really funny. Stephanie's great though. She's fun to hang out with and we have similar taste in music. Well, she listens to everything, including rock which is what I usually listen to.
But anyway, she was reading my blog and something I wrote hurt her feelings. When I said that I should have been spending time with Jason I didn't mean that she was bothering us. I just meant that I didn't want to ignore Jason, but I didn't want to ignore Stephanie either. See, I can never do or say anything without hurting someone's feelings. I also said in one of my past entries that I needed a DVD burner, so Stephanie just gave me her DVD burner. She wouldn't take any money for it and she even spent all night finding the power cable. All this after I hurt her feelings.
Then yesterday we were hanging out at the mall. We went to Spencer's and then to Hot Topic, but I made her got back to Spencer's so I could get one of those necklaces they have. I was going to get one of the brown twine ones, but Jason has one like that so I got a cool blue steel one. But it turns out Jason has one like it too. But when I went up to the counter to pay Stephanie pulled out her debit card and told the cashier to charge the money to that. I told her she didn't have to, but she did anyway.
I tried to pay at Taco Bell too. Stephanie says she just like spending money on people, but I don't know. I hope she doesn't feel like she has to pay for my friendship. She's really cool and I like her. It's really weird because I can talk to her about things that I don't normally talk to people about. We talk about me being gay and dating Jason like it's just normal. I'm not saying it's not normal, I'm just saying most people don't look at it that way. I'm really glad we became friends again though.
Other than that, not much is going on. I still feel like an ass for flipping the go-cart. I got a coupon in the mail for a free small pizza for being new to the neighborhood.. My old house is only like five minutes away. It's right by Hungry Howie's, but I still get a free pizza, which is always good. I also started a group on myspace for fans of Rich Magazine, but I'm getting very little feedback. I'm going to keep at it though.
First she asked who I was dating. I asked her why she wanted to know and she said she saw me with a girl at Dairy Queen. We went back and forth for a little bit before I just told her. It turns out she felt like an ass for asking. She thought I was, which was really funny. Stephanie's great though. She's fun to hang out with and we have similar taste in music. Well, she listens to everything, including rock which is what I usually listen to.
But anyway, she was reading my blog and something I wrote hurt her feelings. When I said that I should have been spending time with Jason I didn't mean that she was bothering us. I just meant that I didn't want to ignore Jason, but I didn't want to ignore Stephanie either. See, I can never do or say anything without hurting someone's feelings. I also said in one of my past entries that I needed a DVD burner, so Stephanie just gave me her DVD burner. She wouldn't take any money for it and she even spent all night finding the power cable. All this after I hurt her feelings.
Then yesterday we were hanging out at the mall. We went to Spencer's and then to Hot Topic, but I made her got back to Spencer's so I could get one of those necklaces they have. I was going to get one of the brown twine ones, but Jason has one like that so I got a cool blue steel one. But it turns out Jason has one like it too. But when I went up to the counter to pay Stephanie pulled out her debit card and told the cashier to charge the money to that. I told her she didn't have to, but she did anyway.
I tried to pay at Taco Bell too. Stephanie says she just like spending money on people, but I don't know. I hope she doesn't feel like she has to pay for my friendship. She's really cool and I like her. It's really weird because I can talk to her about things that I don't normally talk to people about. We talk about me being gay and dating Jason like it's just normal. I'm not saying it's not normal, I'm just saying most people don't look at it that way. I'm really glad we became friends again though.
Other than that, not much is going on. I still feel like an ass for flipping the go-cart. I got a coupon in the mail for a free small pizza for being new to the neighborhood.. My old house is only like five minutes away. It's right by Hungry Howie's, but I still get a free pizza, which is always good. I also started a group on myspace for fans of Rich Magazine, but I'm getting very little feedback. I'm going to keep at it though.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
So That's Why I Don't Drive
It's been am eventful few days and I'm exhausted. But here goes a long one:
Yesterday my mom was starting shit about the house never being clean. Her friend cams over for a visit, which is very unusual at our house. My mom claims that they had to go outside because house is too dirty to entertain people in the dining room. Her solution: cleaning the living room. As soon as 9:30 PM rolled around and my dad went to work, she started yelling about everything she could think of. At first, she told me I didn't have to help her and she could do it on her own, but then she got mad about me taking care of the kittens she brought into the house instead of helping.
It was all okay, because Jason made an unexpected visit later that night. We spent most of the night chatting with my friend Stephanie, which I feel bad for because I should have been spending that time with him. Apparently, one of his friends turned out to be gay., which is surprising because you wouldn't expect it. He's really popular and all that. This almost gave Jason the courage to come out to his myspace friends, and really anyone who looked at his profile. He asked my opinion and I told him it wouldn't bother me if people made the connection between us.
That got me thinking, why should I be ashamed of who I am? I know I've said this before and it's nothing unusual for someone in my opinion, but I made a revelation. Why should I define who I am around being gay? It's not that big a deal. I have interests and a personality too. Why should I just think of myself as that gay guy who happens to like this or that? The solution is obviously that I shouldn't. That was the original intent of this blog, but I got distracted.
With that mentality I woke up this morning ready to return to work on Rich Magazine. It's this simple double sided half fold satirical magazine that I used to make in high school. I copied the old issues to the hard drive in my bedroom to use as a reference and installed Photoshop on my computer because GIMP can run kind of slow. That's when my mom started in. I'll leave out the details, but she thinks I sit around all day playing games.
Anyway, after dinner Mike called me to come over and work on my script. I went over there and we kind of talked it over for a while. Then we went to Talon's house to drive a go cart. I didn't really want to drive it, but I did anyway. I shouldn't have. I was driving with Joe as my passenger and I've never driven a go cart before. I rolled it over. I'm not saying it wasn't my fault, but the thing didn't have brakes. Or seatbelts for that matter. I made it to the end of the field and there is this turn, but immediatly before it there's a dip and I just kind of lost control. I was going too fast too, only because it didn't slow down as fast as I thought it would.
Joe and I are okay, of course. Joe scraped his elbow and bumped his head. I landed on Joe so all I got was bent glasses and a little scrape on my eye brow. I'm more worried about the go cart. It was somewhat dinged up and the rollcage was bent into the steering wheel. Of all the people who could have wrecked it, it was me, less than 20 seconds into the trip. And people wonder why I don't drive. But Joe said it's okay that I almost killed him. I still feel bad about wrecking it though.
After that we had a bonfire and went back to Mike's apartment. I saw a guy I haven't seen since high school which was weird because he's a lot taller now. It was really cool though. And I also did something today that I don't normally do, which is smoke a cigar. Actually, it was half of Mike's cigar, but it was still something. Now I have that burnt kind of flavor in my mouth and I remember why I quit smoking in the first place. I didn't have anything to drink though. I contemplated it, but I didn't want to come home drunk. I don't drink anymore anyway, but it is Memorial Day and all. Or at least it was an hour ago.
I did hear a lot of gay bashing today though. Maybe that's not the right term, it was just people using the term gay in a negative was. A lot. A whole fucking lot. That made me much less willing to come out to any of my friends. But that's okay because I'm happy not using it to define myself. If anyone asks I'll tell them, but only if they ask. My friends are friends with this other gay guy I went to school with named Denny. I don't know what to think or do, so I choose to do nothing,.
So to recap: I didn't get any work done, I'm a bit sore and bruised (I just noticed), I almost killed one of my best friends, I'm not coming out any time soon, I still don't get along with my mom, I'm motivated to do something I want instead of pleasing a bunch of assholes, I smell like smoke, and I am exhausted. But I had a great day.
Yesterday my mom was starting shit about the house never being clean. Her friend cams over for a visit, which is very unusual at our house. My mom claims that they had to go outside because house is too dirty to entertain people in the dining room. Her solution: cleaning the living room. As soon as 9:30 PM rolled around and my dad went to work, she started yelling about everything she could think of. At first, she told me I didn't have to help her and she could do it on her own, but then she got mad about me taking care of the kittens she brought into the house instead of helping.
It was all okay, because Jason made an unexpected visit later that night. We spent most of the night chatting with my friend Stephanie, which I feel bad for because I should have been spending that time with him. Apparently, one of his friends turned out to be gay., which is surprising because you wouldn't expect it. He's really popular and all that. This almost gave Jason the courage to come out to his myspace friends, and really anyone who looked at his profile. He asked my opinion and I told him it wouldn't bother me if people made the connection between us.
That got me thinking, why should I be ashamed of who I am? I know I've said this before and it's nothing unusual for someone in my opinion, but I made a revelation. Why should I define who I am around being gay? It's not that big a deal. I have interests and a personality too. Why should I just think of myself as that gay guy who happens to like this or that? The solution is obviously that I shouldn't. That was the original intent of this blog, but I got distracted.
With that mentality I woke up this morning ready to return to work on Rich Magazine. It's this simple double sided half fold satirical magazine that I used to make in high school. I copied the old issues to the hard drive in my bedroom to use as a reference and installed Photoshop on my computer because GIMP can run kind of slow. That's when my mom started in. I'll leave out the details, but she thinks I sit around all day playing games.
Anyway, after dinner Mike called me to come over and work on my script. I went over there and we kind of talked it over for a while. Then we went to Talon's house to drive a go cart. I didn't really want to drive it, but I did anyway. I shouldn't have. I was driving with Joe as my passenger and I've never driven a go cart before. I rolled it over. I'm not saying it wasn't my fault, but the thing didn't have brakes. Or seatbelts for that matter. I made it to the end of the field and there is this turn, but immediatly before it there's a dip and I just kind of lost control. I was going too fast too, only because it didn't slow down as fast as I thought it would.
Joe and I are okay, of course. Joe scraped his elbow and bumped his head. I landed on Joe so all I got was bent glasses and a little scrape on my eye brow. I'm more worried about the go cart. It was somewhat dinged up and the rollcage was bent into the steering wheel. Of all the people who could have wrecked it, it was me, less than 20 seconds into the trip. And people wonder why I don't drive. But Joe said it's okay that I almost killed him. I still feel bad about wrecking it though.
After that we had a bonfire and went back to Mike's apartment. I saw a guy I haven't seen since high school which was weird because he's a lot taller now. It was really cool though. And I also did something today that I don't normally do, which is smoke a cigar. Actually, it was half of Mike's cigar, but it was still something. Now I have that burnt kind of flavor in my mouth and I remember why I quit smoking in the first place. I didn't have anything to drink though. I contemplated it, but I didn't want to come home drunk. I don't drink anymore anyway, but it is Memorial Day and all. Or at least it was an hour ago.
I did hear a lot of gay bashing today though. Maybe that's not the right term, it was just people using the term gay in a negative was. A lot. A whole fucking lot. That made me much less willing to come out to any of my friends. But that's okay because I'm happy not using it to define myself. If anyone asks I'll tell them, but only if they ask. My friends are friends with this other gay guy I went to school with named Denny. I don't know what to think or do, so I choose to do nothing,.
So to recap: I didn't get any work done, I'm a bit sore and bruised (I just noticed), I almost killed one of my best friends, I'm not coming out any time soon, I still don't get along with my mom, I'm motivated to do something I want instead of pleasing a bunch of assholes, I smell like smoke, and I am exhausted. But I had a great day.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Schrodinger's Kittens (and the search for reality)
I've been trying all day to get KNOPPIX to boot on the computer in my bedroom. My friend Joe has been having problems with his D-Link wifi card and KNOPPIX worked for him, so I thought I'd try it. I downloaded and burned the ISO last night and went to sleep. This morning I popped the CD-RW in, but it wouldn't boot. I checked the BIOS setting and it was fine. I couldn't find a bootdisk on the CD or the Internet, so I downloaded a program called SmartBoot and installed it to a floppy. The next problem was that SmartBoot won't work with my USB keyboard, and my motherboard won't work with a normal PS/2 keyboard so I had to hunt through all my boxes for my serial keyboard. It only took an hour, but I finally found it. After all that work, the CD still wouldn't work. I should have known, I need to burn KNOPPIX to a CD-R before this computer will boot it, but I don't have the cash to go out and get some.
We had to adopt those kittens I found behind my garage. The mother cat died and they would have starved. We've been feeding them milk from the pet store and keeping them in my warm room at night. I don't want any more animals. They're all just going to die anyway, and if I don't get attached I'll still feel bad, just not as bad. They are kind of cute and I do like cats, I just don't want any more. I may keep the little white one I named Copenhagen, though. Yes I named them. Copenhagen, Schrodinger, Steve, and Doug, all after physicists, except for Doug who is named after Douglas Adams.
I rewrote my script last night. I got bored, so I just did it. I got tired of waiting for people to send me in their revisions, so I figured I'd get the ball rolling and ditch some of the lousy dialogue. I talked to Marie (the leading lady) today and by the sound of it, she wants to butcher the whole thing and change everything but the premise, which somehow managed to stay firmly in place. I don't really have a problem with that. This is a group effort and I'm not going to prevent people from participating. People have really been helpful recently and I appreciate it a lot.
I also talked to Amanda today. It started out as a normal conversation, until I mentioned watching Advent Children today. She started talking about how all the guys in the movie are hot and she likes Kadaj the best and all that kind of stuff. Then she asked me who I preferred (I came out to her a few weeks ago). I didn't want to answer because it made me feel weird, but she made me. It just makes me uncomfortable talking to anyone about guys. I don't even talk to Jason about guys, mostly because we're together and I don't have any reason to look at other guys. I love Jason. Everyone may get tired of hearing it, but I never get tired of saying it. I love Jason.
We had to adopt those kittens I found behind my garage. The mother cat died and they would have starved. We've been feeding them milk from the pet store and keeping them in my warm room at night. I don't want any more animals. They're all just going to die anyway, and if I don't get attached I'll still feel bad, just not as bad. They are kind of cute and I do like cats, I just don't want any more. I may keep the little white one I named Copenhagen, though. Yes I named them. Copenhagen, Schrodinger, Steve, and Doug, all after physicists, except for Doug who is named after Douglas Adams.
I rewrote my script last night. I got bored, so I just did it. I got tired of waiting for people to send me in their revisions, so I figured I'd get the ball rolling and ditch some of the lousy dialogue. I talked to Marie (the leading lady) today and by the sound of it, she wants to butcher the whole thing and change everything but the premise, which somehow managed to stay firmly in place. I don't really have a problem with that. This is a group effort and I'm not going to prevent people from participating. People have really been helpful recently and I appreciate it a lot.
I also talked to Amanda today. It started out as a normal conversation, until I mentioned watching Advent Children today. She started talking about how all the guys in the movie are hot and she likes Kadaj the best and all that kind of stuff. Then she asked me who I preferred (I came out to her a few weeks ago). I didn't want to answer because it made me feel weird, but she made me. It just makes me uncomfortable talking to anyone about guys. I don't even talk to Jason about guys, mostly because we're together and I don't have any reason to look at other guys. I love Jason. Everyone may get tired of hearing it, but I never get tired of saying it. I love Jason.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Feeling Burned Out
It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm tired and all, but I just feel so burned out. It started two days ago when I worked all day on my script and scheduling and never actually got anything accomplished. I got up at 11, went to my friend's house at noon and bounced around some ideas for a few hours. We did do other things here and there, namely playing 12 rounds of Fight Night, but it was mostly work. I think I was there until around 7, when I came home and e-mailed some people details about the script. Then Jason came over and we worked on it, and when he left I e-mailed some more people. I didn't end up going to bed until about two that night.
Then yesterday I found out that we had a family of cats behind our shed. The kittens are only a few days old, but I kept going out to feed the mother cat. Then I found an old computer in my garage that I tried to get going. It was missing a hard drive and there were rust shavings on the motherboard, so I had to get some compressed air. I completely took it apart, sprayed it and put it back together and after all that, it won't boot. I think the power supply is bad, but it might be something else and I don't feel like messing with it. On top of this I was tired all day because the doorbell kept waking me up, but I didn't realize it was the doorbell until a few hours later because it sounds like this clock I used to have in Oklahoma.
Then today was just a disaster. I didn't have any clothes to wear, so I immediately had to do laundry. By the time I ended up taking a shower my parents were in and they both wanted the bathroom. Then I was expecting someone to send me a revision of the script like she promised, but she didn't. A bunch of glass objects fell off a shelf today, and I had to explain to my mom how it happened. The mother cat died, and we took in the kittens, feeding them with an ear syringe. Then Jason came over and we went to Meijer. On the way we got pulled over and the cop kept asking for my middle name and my birth-date. This was especially irritating because I don't have any form of state endorsed identification; all I have is my old college ID.
I don't know if I want to be a filmmaker anymore. I really don't. If it's this hard to get six people organized, how am I going to work on a more ambitious project? I'm too impatient and I want to see a result now, not some time a month or two away. I'm just not good at this, but I've wanted to do it for so long. And people tell me I should do it.
I'm going to bed and when I get up I'm going to do something for myself. Maybe. I still have to feed those damn kittens every two hours, which wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take such a long time. I just want some time to be alone (or with Jason) and have fun. Is that too much to ask for?
Then yesterday I found out that we had a family of cats behind our shed. The kittens are only a few days old, but I kept going out to feed the mother cat. Then I found an old computer in my garage that I tried to get going. It was missing a hard drive and there were rust shavings on the motherboard, so I had to get some compressed air. I completely took it apart, sprayed it and put it back together and after all that, it won't boot. I think the power supply is bad, but it might be something else and I don't feel like messing with it. On top of this I was tired all day because the doorbell kept waking me up, but I didn't realize it was the doorbell until a few hours later because it sounds like this clock I used to have in Oklahoma.
Then today was just a disaster. I didn't have any clothes to wear, so I immediately had to do laundry. By the time I ended up taking a shower my parents were in and they both wanted the bathroom. Then I was expecting someone to send me a revision of the script like she promised, but she didn't. A bunch of glass objects fell off a shelf today, and I had to explain to my mom how it happened. The mother cat died, and we took in the kittens, feeding them with an ear syringe. Then Jason came over and we went to Meijer. On the way we got pulled over and the cop kept asking for my middle name and my birth-date. This was especially irritating because I don't have any form of state endorsed identification; all I have is my old college ID.
I don't know if I want to be a filmmaker anymore. I really don't. If it's this hard to get six people organized, how am I going to work on a more ambitious project? I'm too impatient and I want to see a result now, not some time a month or two away. I'm just not good at this, but I've wanted to do it for so long. And people tell me I should do it.
I'm going to bed and when I get up I'm going to do something for myself. Maybe. I still have to feed those damn kittens every two hours, which wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take such a long time. I just want some time to be alone (or with Jason) and have fun. Is that too much to ask for?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Unlucky Number 13
Ahh, after not having Internet access for three days, I can finally get some work done. I'm currently in the process of producing a romance story and I need to be able to communicate with my potential cast and crew. Which is why I panicked when my router wouldn't connect to my ISP. It turns out they really were down because of a storm, and that my dad had paid the bill. I was told it would come back up yesterday afternoon, but it didn't so I got nervous. I thought I'd never have access again. It turned out my password somehow got lost. I didn't write it down, and I didn't change it, but somehow, it was wrong. It was still entered into the settings, but it just wasn't the right password. After battling the ISP support monstrosity for an hour, I finally got the password reset and on the Internet.
After that, I had kind of a slow start. I listened t a few podcasts I missed and IMed a friend until early afternoon. (talking a bit about the movie) Then I had some business to take care of, so I left my computer for four hours. But when I came back, I finished my script, buttered up some potential cast and crew, got some details taken care of, and passed on the script for further revision. I even got to watch the newest episode of systm. It was about the Maker Fair in California and it rekindled my interest in hardware hacking and electronics. I even had time to make an entry in my blog. And to visit some other peoples' blogs.
But I'm a bit worried about scheduling my movie. There are only six actors total, possibly including me. Even though it may seem easy to say 'okay, let's film this day,' it's not. This is where my first movie fell apart. That and people kept dropping out. I hope I can get it right this time. I also have a lot of locations. I need four house sets. I figured I could rearrange furniture and use only two locations, but it's going to be sketchy. I also want to include as many people as I can, but some people aren't sure if they want to participate or not. I was just talking to someone this morning who can't decide what she wants to do, but she definitely wants to be a part of it.
I want to get some more equipment too. First, a clapboard would be kind of cool to have. I looked it up on ebay and saw some for as little as $4, but I don't have an ebay account. Of course, I'm going to need a DVD burner. People all want copies of something that's not even done yet, and VHS tapes are expensive (at least relatively), they record slowly, and they take up too much damn space. I understand some people don't have DVD players. I'll fire up my VCR for them, but no one else. I also need some more mini DVDs. But I have enough for now. The first thing I want to get though, is a set of wireless lapel microphones. They're pretty expensive, so I could do with a boom mic or even a shotgun mic. Thank Sony for the versatility of the accessory shoe.
Most importantly I want people to have fun. I don't make movies for profit. I do it because I'm bored and have no better way to use my time. I also like entertaining people, and I love attention. But it's mostly to have fun. That's why it bugs me that I'm making people nervous about filming. I don't know what to say to make them just have fun. If they're not having fun, I'm not having fun. And if I'm not having fun, why am I making this movie?
After that, I had kind of a slow start. I listened t a few podcasts I missed and IMed a friend until early afternoon. (talking a bit about the movie) Then I had some business to take care of, so I left my computer for four hours. But when I came back, I finished my script, buttered up some potential cast and crew, got some details taken care of, and passed on the script for further revision. I even got to watch the newest episode of systm. It was about the Maker Fair in California and it rekindled my interest in hardware hacking and electronics. I even had time to make an entry in my blog. And to visit some other peoples' blogs.
But I'm a bit worried about scheduling my movie. There are only six actors total, possibly including me. Even though it may seem easy to say 'okay, let's film this day,' it's not. This is where my first movie fell apart. That and people kept dropping out. I hope I can get it right this time. I also have a lot of locations. I need four house sets. I figured I could rearrange furniture and use only two locations, but it's going to be sketchy. I also want to include as many people as I can, but some people aren't sure if they want to participate or not. I was just talking to someone this morning who can't decide what she wants to do, but she definitely wants to be a part of it.
I want to get some more equipment too. First, a clapboard would be kind of cool to have. I looked it up on ebay and saw some for as little as $4, but I don't have an ebay account. Of course, I'm going to need a DVD burner. People all want copies of something that's not even done yet, and VHS tapes are expensive (at least relatively), they record slowly, and they take up too much damn space. I understand some people don't have DVD players. I'll fire up my VCR for them, but no one else. I also need some more mini DVDs. But I have enough for now. The first thing I want to get though, is a set of wireless lapel microphones. They're pretty expensive, so I could do with a boom mic or even a shotgun mic. Thank Sony for the versatility of the accessory shoe.
Most importantly I want people to have fun. I don't make movies for profit. I do it because I'm bored and have no better way to use my time. I also like entertaining people, and I love attention. But it's mostly to have fun. That's why it bugs me that I'm making people nervous about filming. I don't know what to say to make them just have fun. If they're not having fun, I'm not having fun. And if I'm not having fun, why am I making this movie?
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Mother's Day is Stupid!
Mother's Day is the dumbest holiday ever. It's dumber than Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, Cinco De Mayo, Thanksgiving, and all those presidents' birthdays. Why should I drive around all night buying my mom a gift that's supposed to thank her for all she's done for me? Why should I be grateful that she makes me hate myself and want to die? Why should I thank her for 20 years of emotional abuse and hurt feelings? Why do I have to thank her for trying to turn me into someone I'm not and never will be?
Today my dad and I took her out to Big Boy for the morning buffet. I didn't feel particularly good and wanted to go back to bed, but I went to lunch anyway. The food was horrible and nothing had any flavor at all, not even the macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up fucking macaroni and cheese? But that's not the worst of it. My dad gave my mom a necklace. It was a nice expensive necklace, not a cheap one from Kmart or something. She said she liked it and she wore it to church and all, but in the middle of the meal she asked what kind of stone it was. When she found out it was an opal she was pissed.
Apparently, opals are bad luck and my dad is a horrible person for not knowing and blah blah blah. She wanted mother of pearl and she never wore an opal in her life. While she was making her little scene I saw some people I know. A friend or two and this guy I used to know in high school. Needless to say, I was embarrassed and I'm never going anywhere with her again. Oh, and I guess I'm not supposed to drink coffee because only 'adults' do it. I really hate her.
Now Valentines Day is a great holiday. It gives us a chance to be with the person we love and just be together. We get to eat candy too, which is never a bad thing. I wish it was Valentines Day right now because it would give me an excuse to be with Jason all day instead of just the nighttime hours (he goes home in the early morning). Not that there's anything wrong with him coming over after work, I just miss him so much. I know if he was here he would make all my problems and disappointments go away and I would be having a great day.
Today my dad and I took her out to Big Boy for the morning buffet. I didn't feel particularly good and wanted to go back to bed, but I went to lunch anyway. The food was horrible and nothing had any flavor at all, not even the macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up fucking macaroni and cheese? But that's not the worst of it. My dad gave my mom a necklace. It was a nice expensive necklace, not a cheap one from Kmart or something. She said she liked it and she wore it to church and all, but in the middle of the meal she asked what kind of stone it was. When she found out it was an opal she was pissed.
Apparently, opals are bad luck and my dad is a horrible person for not knowing and blah blah blah. She wanted mother of pearl and she never wore an opal in her life. While she was making her little scene I saw some people I know. A friend or two and this guy I used to know in high school. Needless to say, I was embarrassed and I'm never going anywhere with her again. Oh, and I guess I'm not supposed to drink coffee because only 'adults' do it. I really hate her.
Now Valentines Day is a great holiday. It gives us a chance to be with the person we love and just be together. We get to eat candy too, which is never a bad thing. I wish it was Valentines Day right now because it would give me an excuse to be with Jason all day instead of just the nighttime hours (he goes home in the early morning). Not that there's anything wrong with him coming over after work, I just miss him so much. I know if he was here he would make all my problems and disappointments go away and I would be having a great day.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
It's My Damn Life!
I don't have loving parents. My mom hates everything I do and my dad lets her get away with anything she wants. Occasionally my mom asks if I'm gay. She doesn't do it in a nice 'it's okay if you are and I love you anyway' way. She'll say something like 'you DO like girls, right?' I don't know why, but I always let it get to me. I know she's never going to accept who I am anyway, but I just can't tell her. But I can't keep up this stupid charade anymore either. I don't know what to do.
It's not only that that makes me feel unloved. Today I spilled some coffee in her car. The first thing out of her mouth was 'now I'm going to have to clean the seat.' It's okay that I have a burn on my hand that hurts like Hell, but what will people think when they see the stain? What will god think when he sees it? We all know that people with a coffee stain the size of a dime go to Hell immediately, and it's all my fault. How will I ever live with myself?
Another time when I was in elementary school (I think second grade) there was a bomb threat and we had to evacuate the building. I left my coat inside because we were all in a hurry to stand in the field. My mom drove by on the way to get me and pulled me into the car without even telling the teacher and started yelling at me about leaving my coat inside. I got in trouble with the teacher the next day too.
I've always let the things she says and does get to me, but not any more. I now realize that I have friends who care about me. What the fuck do I need her for? As soon as I get a job I'm getting the Hell out of here and never turning back. Right now I'm going to start living my life the way without worrying about what that mean hateful bitch thinks. I don't care what anyone else thinks either. Why should I try to please her or other people by being everything I hate?
And no, I'm not coming out to her. Some of my friends, yes. But not to her.
It's not only that that makes me feel unloved. Today I spilled some coffee in her car. The first thing out of her mouth was 'now I'm going to have to clean the seat.' It's okay that I have a burn on my hand that hurts like Hell, but what will people think when they see the stain? What will god think when he sees it? We all know that people with a coffee stain the size of a dime go to Hell immediately, and it's all my fault. How will I ever live with myself?
Another time when I was in elementary school (I think second grade) there was a bomb threat and we had to evacuate the building. I left my coat inside because we were all in a hurry to stand in the field. My mom drove by on the way to get me and pulled me into the car without even telling the teacher and started yelling at me about leaving my coat inside. I got in trouble with the teacher the next day too.
I've always let the things she says and does get to me, but not any more. I now realize that I have friends who care about me. What the fuck do I need her for? As soon as I get a job I'm getting the Hell out of here and never turning back. Right now I'm going to start living my life the way without worrying about what that mean hateful bitch thinks. I don't care what anyone else thinks either. Why should I try to please her or other people by being everything I hate?
And no, I'm not coming out to her. Some of my friends, yes. But not to her.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
You want to meet my girlfriend?
I have a friend coming up from Arizona next month on vacation who wants to hang out. She asked me in an email today if she was going to meet my girlfriend at that time. (my myspace profile declares I'm in a relationship, but not that I'm gay) My first thought was: oh shit, what am I going to do. I contemplated lying, saying my girlfriend skipped out on us to go to a funeral of some relative or another that I doubt the exitance of and making a big deal out of how she makes me hang out with her friends, but never hangs out with mine. I could have been pretty convincing.
But I decided not to lie. This isn't as simple as it sounds because my friend shares and apartment with my ex-girlfriend, and I don't want to hurt her. I did email her today coming out and apologizing. I reassured her I wasn't jerking her around and that I really enjoyed being with her. I feel really bad and I never planned on telling her, but if my friend is going to find out, my ex will know anyway. So I thought it would be best for her to ear it from me first. I mean, she wants to move to LA and I want to move to LA, and if she ever bumped into Jason and me it would be really weird.
So why do I feel so strange right now? I've been waiting for my ex to send me a message for a while just so I can stop worrying about if she hates me or not and I'm stick to my stomach. I don't know why. I've come out to people I know before. Okay, I came out to one person I know before and I'm not sure if he even remembers. I added him to my myspace friends, but I don't know what he thinks about me and I don't want to ask because it would be really weird. Maybe I just don't really want to come out.
But I don't feel like hiding anymore. Why should I be ashamed of myself for something that's not my fault? Are all redheads ashamed of themselves? This is stupid. I'm afraid of my friends, who have never been there for me in my life, won't accept me for who I am. If they don't like me, they can go fuck themselves. It's that simple. No, it's not. If all my friends hate me, I'll have no volunteers for my movies. And it'll be just Jason, his friends, and me.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. I think I'll just take a nap and sort things out when I get up.
UPDATE:
Amanda (my ex) doesn't hate me, I feel better, my nap went well, I like myself more, and the world can continue!
But I decided not to lie. This isn't as simple as it sounds because my friend shares and apartment with my ex-girlfriend, and I don't want to hurt her. I did email her today coming out and apologizing. I reassured her I wasn't jerking her around and that I really enjoyed being with her. I feel really bad and I never planned on telling her, but if my friend is going to find out, my ex will know anyway. So I thought it would be best for her to ear it from me first. I mean, she wants to move to LA and I want to move to LA, and if she ever bumped into Jason and me it would be really weird.
So why do I feel so strange right now? I've been waiting for my ex to send me a message for a while just so I can stop worrying about if she hates me or not and I'm stick to my stomach. I don't know why. I've come out to people I know before. Okay, I came out to one person I know before and I'm not sure if he even remembers. I added him to my myspace friends, but I don't know what he thinks about me and I don't want to ask because it would be really weird. Maybe I just don't really want to come out.
But I don't feel like hiding anymore. Why should I be ashamed of myself for something that's not my fault? Are all redheads ashamed of themselves? This is stupid. I'm afraid of my friends, who have never been there for me in my life, won't accept me for who I am. If they don't like me, they can go fuck themselves. It's that simple. No, it's not. If all my friends hate me, I'll have no volunteers for my movies. And it'll be just Jason, his friends, and me.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. I think I'll just take a nap and sort things out when I get up.
UPDATE:
Amanda (my ex) doesn't hate me, I feel better, my nap went well, I like myself more, and the world can continue!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
I got my computer put back together and it doesn't crash. As much. I'm not blaming it on airflow anymore because there are now a total of seven fans in the computer. (front, back, power supply, video card, CPU, and two on the side) Now I'm thinking it's a power supply problem again. I ruled it out earlier because I switched out the unit, but I might need a more powerful one. I'm looking at one on newegg for $70. That's the cheapest that one that would suit my needs, but it doesn't have PFC (power factor conditioning), which some sources say is an absolute requirement. It did get three good reviews, though.
After that, I want to get more RAM. I have 512, but a gig would be better. 2 gigs would be great, but I'm not sure my motherboard would support that. Then I want to get a faster CPU because Jason has a 2.53 and I only have a 2.08. But it's an AMD 2800+ and is supposed to effectively run at about 2.8 Ghz for some reason. Then I need a DVD burner if I ever want to really get into filmmaking. VHS just doesn't cut it. Then I want a 10,000 RPM hard drive, but I think I'd have to get a mobo that supports SATA first, and then I'd need to replace all my drives.
But I don't have the money to get all those things because I'm still unemployed. I filled out that application on Tuesday and Al still hasn't called me. I don't if he got it or not, but I don't want to fuck around with it anymore. I'm sick of being jerked around like this. If there is a job in a place I know the location to, I'll take it. There was a help wanted sign in a cafe across town the other day, but I wanted to see if I would get this job first. The sign is gone now, and I'm screwed because instead of having one of two potential jobs, I have none.
And it's getting harder than ever to live with my parents. This house is filled with nothing but hate and anger and it's all directed toward me. It's like a laser beam focused directly at my forehead. And I don't even know why. If I did something wrong, I wish someone would tell me because I'm really sorry for it. But I've been trying not to let things like that get to me. It's not really working, so I just stay locked up in my room until everyone is gone. Then I feel worse because it reminds me that the only person I really ever talk to is Jason. I talk to my other friends on myspace and all, but I never really see any of them.
But I have been working on my computers recently and I've decided to set up a file server. I have a 166 just sitting there that I think could get the job done. I know 166 may not seem like a lot, but I'll only be sharing files with 3 other computers, and probably not that often. I'm installing Linux on it right now and then I'm going to learn how Samba works. Then I'll never have a reason to leave my room at all. Unless I want to play SimCity or something like that. Hmm, I also want to get a NIC for my PS2 because I've heard of people doing some really cool things with it.
After that, I want to get more RAM. I have 512, but a gig would be better. 2 gigs would be great, but I'm not sure my motherboard would support that. Then I want to get a faster CPU because Jason has a 2.53 and I only have a 2.08. But it's an AMD 2800+ and is supposed to effectively run at about 2.8 Ghz for some reason. Then I need a DVD burner if I ever want to really get into filmmaking. VHS just doesn't cut it. Then I want a 10,000 RPM hard drive, but I think I'd have to get a mobo that supports SATA first, and then I'd need to replace all my drives.
But I don't have the money to get all those things because I'm still unemployed. I filled out that application on Tuesday and Al still hasn't called me. I don't if he got it or not, but I don't want to fuck around with it anymore. I'm sick of being jerked around like this. If there is a job in a place I know the location to, I'll take it. There was a help wanted sign in a cafe across town the other day, but I wanted to see if I would get this job first. The sign is gone now, and I'm screwed because instead of having one of two potential jobs, I have none.
And it's getting harder than ever to live with my parents. This house is filled with nothing but hate and anger and it's all directed toward me. It's like a laser beam focused directly at my forehead. And I don't even know why. If I did something wrong, I wish someone would tell me because I'm really sorry for it. But I've been trying not to let things like that get to me. It's not really working, so I just stay locked up in my room until everyone is gone. Then I feel worse because it reminds me that the only person I really ever talk to is Jason. I talk to my other friends on myspace and all, but I never really see any of them.
But I have been working on my computers recently and I've decided to set up a file server. I have a 166 just sitting there that I think could get the job done. I know 166 may not seem like a lot, but I'll only be sharing files with 3 other computers, and probably not that often. I'm installing Linux on it right now and then I'm going to learn how Samba works. Then I'll never have a reason to leave my room at all. Unless I want to play SimCity or something like that. Hmm, I also want to get a NIC for my PS2 because I've heard of people doing some really cool things with it.
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